96 [S5] Becca
/Transcript
Full show notes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/96
Episode Transcription by Fayelle Ewuakye. Find her on Twitter at @FayelleEwuakye
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(intro music)
Haley - You’re listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is episode 96, Becca. I’m your host, Haley Radke. Today we continue on in the Adoptees On Addiction series. I’m excited to introduce you to Becca who was adopted in-family, and if you’re an avid listener, you’re going to recognize some of the sisters we chat about in Becca’s story! And even her voice is familiar, to me anyway!Becca struggled with some early losses and shares about her troubled actions while in active addiction to meth. And how her family, including her biological mother, supported her all the way to a place of recovery for 15 years now. We wrap up with some recommended resources and as always links to everything we’ll be talking about today are over at adoptees.com. Let’s listen in.
(upbeat music)
Haley – I’m so pleased to welcome to Adoptees On, Becca! Welcome, Becca!
Becca – Hi! Thanks for having me.
Haley - And your voice sounds a little familiar, I was already teasing you a little bit about that, because we have actually talked to two of your sisters before on the show. But, without spoiling any of that for you, I would love to hear your story.
Becca – Okay. Well, I am one of 7 siblings, 4 of which were put up for adoption when they were born. I’m one of the 3 older siblings who grew up with our biological family. And even though I did grow up with my biological family for the most part, I grew up with my biological mother’s parents. They actually ended up adopting my older sister and I when I was 8 years old. And so, even though I grew up with my biological family, I’m still, I was adopted by a family member and didn’t grow up with my actual parents. And living with my mom’s parents, I didn’t really get to see my biological parents a lot. For various reasons, my mother couldn’t really afford to travel a whole lot. She did come out a few times during my childhood, but like, once we went to my mom’s parents, we didn't really spend any time with my biological father after that. But like I said, I do have 4 younger sisters who were adopted by other families. And when they turned 18, we were able to reconnect. And now all 7 of us know each other, we have like, group texts things that we text each other on all the time and we’re definitely very much a part of each other’s lives now.
Haley - Yes, I love the reunion stories when, Mary Anna and your other sister Rebecca, recounted reunion after reunion after reunion. Because there’s so many of you and some of you were present for maybe 2 of you were meeting this one, and then 2 of you were meeting… I just, oh my goodness, it’s just so many to keep track of. But you grew up with Mary Anna.
Becca – Yes.
Haley - And so, why don't you talk about that a little bit. Just your growing up years, and being an in family adoption. Was there anything that was different for you, relocating when you were 8 years old and to a different state, is that right?
Becca – Yes, the thing that was a little different for me, so Mary Anna and our older brother grew up for the first few years of their life with our biological parents. But when I was 3 months old, I had a lot of health issues that my biological parents couldn’t really afford to take care of. So when I was 3 months old, that’s actually the first time I went out to Oklahoma to live with my biological mother’s parents. Because they were in a much better financial position to help address my medical issues.
Haley - Okay. So it was basically from when you were a baby.
Becca – My grandparents basically raised me since I was an infant.
Haley - Okay.
Becca – I didn’t go back out to New Jersey until I was 5. My biological parents were trying to work things out and they had thought it was time to bring me back to New Jersey and be reunited with the whole family. And that lasted for maybe about 5 months. And then that was when my brother and Mary Anna and I went back to Oklahoma.
Haley - And so what did growing up in Oklahoma look like for you?
Becca – Well for me, growing up in Oklahoma, like that was always kind of more my home anyway. Like that was what I had known since I was a child. But not having Mary and Jacob there, it was better. I’d grown up as an only child for the first part of my life, so it was really awesome having my brother and sister with me. But I know it was a lot, it was a more difficult transition for them, which I completely understood. Because I knew the feeling of what that was like when I went back to New Jersey. You know, it feels like your world is completely flipped upside down, nothing is familiar. So I know it was a much harder adjustment for them than it was for me.
Haley - So you’re just getting bonus older siblings coming out and you have people to play with you.
Becca – Exactly, exactly. Like I said, it was definitely a much harder transition for my brother and sister, and I think it was definitely a much more difficult transition for my grandparents as well. They had gotten, you know, kind of used to having at least one kid that they were responsible for and all of a sudden they had three. And I think you know, it was, my grandparents didn't know about the other 4 girls, 4 younger sisters who were put up for adoption. And that didn’t really come out until one night at dinner. My brother just asked like, what about my other sisters. And my grandparents were like what are you even talking about? And so you know, at that point, the cat was out of the bag, and you know, my grandfather had a very, I’m sure, interesting conversation with my mother about what my brother could possibly be talking about. And yeah, so that was how they found out. Because my mother had kept it from them the whole time before that.
Haley - Oh my goodness. Do you remember how old-ish you were then?
Becca – I think I was about 6 or 7.
Haley - Wow alright, well, we are in the middle of the addiction series on the show. So do you wanna tell us a little bit of your story with regards to that?
Becca – It kinda started off when I was about 9. That was, my brother just didn’t really adjust very well to living in Oklahoma and being separated from our parents. And he and my grandparents butted heads a lot. And when I was 9 years old, that was when he went back to New Jersey. Mary and I stayed in Oklahoma and he left. And that really devastated me. Like he, and I had gotten really close. Like I was always really more of a tomboy. So I was way more interested in what he had going on than what my sister. And you know, he had all the cool toys and the like, I felt like we had much more in common because I was always down for like, let’s go outside, let’s climb some trees. My sister was more interested in playing house and I wanted nothing to do with any of that. And so, you know, my brother and I had grown very close. My sister and I grew close too, but, you know, my brother was like my partner in crime for a while. And having him gone, just really devastated me. And as a kid you can't completely understand everything that’s going on. I just knew the adults had made the decisions and that we couldn’t really do anything about it. And that’s it really hit home that as a kid, you really don't have any sense of control or you know, any decision making power in what happens in your own life. And kind of shuffling back and forth, between my biological parents and my grandparents and then having Jacob sent back and knowing that I had 4 younger sisters that I had never even met that all these adult decisions had affected how my experience was. And whether I would ever know my siblings or not. And so after Jacob left, I started acting out a lot. And my grandparents sent me to a psychiatrist. And the first psychiatrist I think kind of was trying to be a little bit more organic with the therapy and I don't remember exactly why, but I stopped seeing her and my grandparents wanted me to see somebody else. And the second psychiatrist I went to, he was basically just a pill pusher. I was on, he prescribed Zoloft and Buspar and this was before there was a lo. of regulation on these drugs. And I think my dosage at the time was 500 milligrams, twice a day of both of those. And my understanding is now, even for an adult, you can’t take more than like 150 milligrams in one day of either of those.
Haley - Oh my goodness, and you’re young, you’re quite young then. Is this, how old were you?
Becca – I think I was about 11 when I first was medicated.
Haley - Oh my goodness.
Becca – And I was medicated up until, I think they finally had me stop seeing the psychiatrist when I was 16, but I think I had stopped taking the pills on my own when I was about 14 or 15. Because I just couldn’t feel anything. Like, for a good, I don't have a lot of memory of that time of my life. I just remember being really numb and I mean, like nothing was bad, but nothing was great either. It was just kind of this, vanilla, emotionless, nothing, I guess. And I think having somebody that young on these very strong medications, before they're even going through puberty, I think is really irresponsible. And I don't really blame, you know, my grandparents for that. I don't necessarily blame the psychiatrist for that either, that’s just how things were at the time. And my grandparents were placing their trust in a medical professional who thought he knew what he was doing, you know? But I definitely do think that, that is kinda the catalyst that led to my future substance abuse problems.
Haley – Well, your poor, developing brain. I mean, oh my goodness. All that stuff, ugh. Goodness. Yeah, that’s not good. And so what’s the future then? So you stopped taking around age 14, and you stopped seeing the psychiatrist around age 16. What happens next?
Becca – So at that point, it wasn’t until I was about 17, my sister went to, she got accepted to a college that was halfway across the country. So she left to go to college in New York. And then that was also around the time that my grandmother got really sick. And she was in the hospital basically, my entire senior year of high school. And I had had a pretty significant knee injury when I was, I think, about a sophomore or junior in high school. And I had been pretty involved in sports up until then. But that was basically a sports ending injury to my knee. And I couldn’t play competitive sports anymore. And you know, with my grandmother’s declining health, and my sister leaving, and my grandfather and I were butting heads a lot. Like, I was not the easiest kid. I’m not saying my grandparents were necessarily the easiest either, but I didn't help the situation much sometimes either. I definitely had the attitude of, I knew everything, and I always had a smart aleck remark to anything my grandfather would try to tell me. And we just, we really argued a lot. And I just kind of fell in with a bad crowd. And that’s when I really started doing, drinking more, and you know smoking a little weed. Which that was never really a problem but it was when I first started doing like harder drugs like cocaine and ecstasy and stuff like that. I just kind of dabbled in that when I was in high school, that didn’t really start til my senior year. And it wasn’t a whole lot. But when I graduated, and went to college, for my first year, initially I wanted to take a year off because I was just really overwhelmed. Like I was the kid in high school who was in all the honors classes and who would do theater programs and also had a job outside of school. And I was the president of our literary magazine and I was the vice president in like 3 other clubs. So I was like, running around all the time. ‘Cause you know, you wanna do all these awesome things in high school to make yourself look as attractive as possible to potential colleges.
Haley – Right.
Becca – And you know, there was a lot of pressure on me to do that. especially from my grandparents. Like I just felt like there was this pressure all the time. So initially wanted to take a year off after graduating high school but my grandfather was not very interested in that at all. So I went to college right after, at Oklahoma State University. Which is a good school, but is also a very big party school. And I definitely became much more interested in partying than going to class.
Haley - And were you living on campus? Like had you moved?
Becca – I was. I was living in the dorms and it was just so easy to find you know, other people who had access to lots of things. And so you know, on the weekends I would be going to raves and doing all sorts of crazy drugs and then like, that would just bleed into, it stopped being a weekend thing and started bleeding more into the week. And then it just kind of felt like for a while, it was just an everyday thing.
Haley - So when did you realize, oh, maybe this is not, maybe this is a problem?
Becca – Oh man, that. So all of the other drugs, like I could kind of take or leave. They were never a real big problem for me. after my first year of college, I lost my academic scholarship, surprise, surprise. I couldn’t afford to go back to college. So I decided to move out of my grandparent’s house. I spent the summer after my first year of college back at home and then my grandfather and I were just fighting so much. And I knew it was really affecting my grandmother’s health, constantly fighting all the time. So I decided to move out. And that was when I was 19. And at first I went to live with a friend in Stillwater. And he was a coke dealer. So it was there all the time. Honestly, I did not know that that was he was into before I moved in. And it wasn’t until after and I was like, oh well, I guess this is a thing.
Haley - Oh my gosh. That’s wow, that’s a surprise.
Becca – Yeah. So things got a little crazy and I ended up moving down to Lawton because I just you know, couldn’t deal with living with a coke dealer. So I moved down to Lawton. Things were okay, I started dating a girl and things were going kind of well and then the relationship ended and my poor little heart was broken. And I became friends with a couple of guys who lived in the same apartment complex. They lived in an apartment about 4, 5 doors down from mine. And we were partying one night. And I had tried pretty much every drug except for meth. That was the one that I always wanted to stay from. You know, with other drugs I would always do my research like, like I hit erowid.com all the time, because I wanted to know like, what are these drugs made of, what is their chemical composition, how are they going to affect me, what are the short term and long term side effects going to be. Like I kind of prided myself on being a intellectually aware drug user. But at this particular point, I was at a lower point in my life and pretty depressed and really down on myself and I felt like nothing in my life was working out. And so I was at this party at my neighbor’s and they passed over a pipe and I just hit it not caring what was in it. And that was the beginning of my affair with methamphetamines. And that’s when things really kinda went off the rails. Like I had never been the type of person to like, pawn my personal possessions for drugs until then. And there were some pretty dark times. I definitely did some things that I never thought that I would be capable of doing. And it was, I think at the point where it was right around St. Patrick’s Day, it had been, at this point I’d been pretty heavily using for about 5 or 6 months. And I just saw myself in the mirror one day, like my gums were bleeding, I was maybe 90 pounds. And I could count all of my ribs. I looked like I had been starving myself forever. And I had pawned my, I’m a musician, I play guitar. And various other instruments. And I had saved up some money to buy this really, really awesome electric guitar that I was super proud of. And I pawned it for drugs. And didn’t even think twice at the time about it. This was like one of my most prized possessions. And it was kind of at that moment, that you know, seeing myself in the mirror and what I had become, that I was like, I can’t do this anymore, I don't want this to be my life. And I ended up moving in with my mom in New Jersey for almost a year after that. She, I didn’t want my grandparents to see what had happened to me. And I wanted to get as far away from anyone I knew in Oklahoma because it was just too easy for me to get drugs that I wanted. And so going to New Jersey was basically my rehab. I went back east, and my mom had a studio apartment at the time. Her and her now husband had kind of been on the outs for a little bit. And right before I moved back, they had actually reconciled and she had moved back in, but she still had about a month and a half on the lease for the studio apartment that she had been living in. So while they were getting their apartment ready, and like getting my room there ready, I stayed at her studio apartment. And I basically detoxed there on my own. And I haven’t touched any of that kind of stuff since.
Haley – So you just had like, this moment of, what am I doing here to myself. And then you just moved across the country and cold turkey? Wow, wow.
Becca – It wasn’t easy.
Haley - Yeah, no kidding.
Becca – It certainly wasn’t easy. And going through withdrawals is one of the worst experiences. It sucked.
Haley - And were you on your own then? Or was your mom helping take care of you? I don't know what that looks like, really.
Becca – I mean, like my mom, like so she worked. She had a full time job. My stepdad had a full time job too. But when she wasn’t at work, she would come over and see me. And make sure that I was eating that I had food. And you know, hang out with me in the evenings and stuff like that. So I wasn’t completely left to my own devices or anything like that. But I started putting on some more weight and getting healthier and I got a job at Target where my mom worked. And you know, really just put my energy into getting away from the past and everything that I had done to myself. And trying to be a better, be a better, healthier me. And put all my focus into kind of leaving that behind and understanding that the past is the past. And you can’t change it, but you can change what you’re doing to do that day. And you can change what you want your goals to be. And you can change what the future is.
Haley – And what did that, like going back to your biological mother, because I know you said you had limited contact her through your childhood. But it’s almost like a reunion as an adult of sorts. And yet in a very, like crisis kind of situation for you.
Becca – Yeah, it definitely was. You know, if you’d told me years before that that would be a thing, I would have been like no way, there’s, no way. But my biological mother and I, we had a pretty good relationship. Like even though she couldn’t come out physically to Oklahoma all the time, when we were growing up, she was definitely very attentive. Like we talked at least once a month. And she always called on the important holidays, she always made sure, even if she couldn’t afford to send us Christmas presents or something like that, she would always make sure to like, at least send a card. And you know, a nice hand written letter or something to let us know that we were loved and that even though we couldn’t be physically together, in the same spot, that she would always be there for us. And that she loved us and cared about us. And she tried to be as present as she could in the situation that we were in.
Haley – So you did really have still a relationship and this wasn’t like a, going to visit a stranger. This was still someone that was present in your life and felt safe enough obviously for you to go there.
Becca – Yeah. And I kind of saw it also a chance to I mean, kind of make up for lost time I guess. I never really was able to have like a face to face relationship with my mother for most of my life up to that point. And that, you know, I wanted that. At least for a little bit, to know what it would have been like to live with her and kind of grow with her, I guess.
Haley - Wow. So how long did you stay in New Jersey? And what did your life look like once you had detoxed?
Becca – So, I stayed there for most of a year. I moved out there in March and I moved back to Oklahoma, November of that year.
Haley - Back to your grandparents’?
Becca – Not back to my grandparents. There was an unfortunate boy who decided that he wanted to try and have a relationship with me. and even though my sister tried to talk him out of it because she said, I think something to the extent of, I quote like, you really don't know my sister the way you think you do, and she’s going to eat you alive. And, which was a pretty honest prediction on her part. With New Jersey, like it was a great place for me to go and detox and to be around, you know, to have a better relationship with my mother and to be around, in a place where I didn’t know anybody. Even though I was born in New Jersey and had spent some time there, I didn’t really like grow up there, I didn’t have many friends there. Or anything like that. And for a while, that was perfect. Because that’s what I needed to get clean. But I’m also very social person. And not having those close relationships with people that were my peers really started to wear on me a lot. So that’s when I'd gone back to Oklahoma a couple of times to visit. I didn't go back to Lawton, but I did go to Oklahoma city where I’d grown up. And ultimately, decided to move back and try this relationship with this boy. I’d originally planned to move back and I had money saved up to get my own apartment. And everything like that. But the trip back was pretty ridiculous. My friend, Morgan, had come out to help me move back. And my little junker station wagon that was towing my U-Haul trailer putzed out in the middle of Pennsylvania. So it did not make it very far. And I had to spend all the money that I had saved, upgrading form a U-Haul trailer to a full U-Haul truck. Which even back then, is real expensive for a one way rental, halfway across the country. So I ended up having to spend, instead of like having to spend just like $200 for a trailer, like almost $1800 for a truck.
Haley – Oh no.
Becca – Yep. So, I, once I got to Oklahoma, this guy was like, well let’s just, why don't you stay with me, we’ll just go ahead and move in together. And that, at the time seemed great, it ended up being a very terrible idea for both of us.
Haley - Just as your sister predicted?
Becca – Yes. Just as my sister predicted.
Haley - How was being back there? Did you see any of your old friends or other people that you knew that you were trying to get away from in the first place? What was that like?
Becca – I definitely saw some of my old friends, but not the ones that were the you know, the influences and the ones who were using meth with me at the time. So I was able to stay away from that. And I mean, in some of the circles, like I said, you know, musician, and played quite a few shows and was in a few bands and was kind of in the music scene, there’s definitely a lot of different things floating around, especially at parties and after parties and stuff like that. But at that point I was able to, you know, I wouldn’t necessarily go out of my way to be around it. But if I was at a party and it happened to show up there, I had the strength to stay away from it. Or leave, or not be around it.
Haley - How did you do that? You had the strength? What is that, it just seems like it would be so tempting. Or was it? Or was it not tempting? Were you like--
Becca – It was very tempting. I mean there’s still some days where I still crave it. Like it’s not something that completely ever goes away. But—
Haley - ‘Cause how old are you now? How many years has this been?
Becca – So when I first stopped using, I was 20. And I’m 35 now.
Haley - Okay.
Becca - So it’s been 15 years.
Haley - Congratulations.
Becca – Mostly like, and it’s not the same for everybody. Some people really need a program. Some people really need that structure and you know, that community and that, the whole program in various ways, whether it’s NA, or any other kind of rehab program. Like some people really need that in order to get clean. For me, it’s more just a mental willpower. Just knowing what my life was like and knowing what I want my life to be. And that those two things cannot coexist. And that I don't ever wanna get myself back to that rock bottom spot. That my, how much I hated myself back then is much stronger than any urge to start doing meth again.
Haley - And have you just sworn off everything? I don't know, is that too personal to ask you?
Becca – I mean, I never had a problem with alcohol or anything like that. So I’ll still go out and have some drinks socially, or have a couple of beers with dinner and stuff. Because those were never a problem for me. So like, I can be, go out, have a few beers with some friends on then go right back to work, the next week. If I have a drink, I have a drink, if I don't I don't. Like, I have a bottle of whisky that’s been sitting in my liquor cabinet for the better part of a year that I’ve been slowly making my way through. So I think it’s not, those kinds of substances aren’t a problem for me. the only thing that really ever was a problem was the speed-y things.
Haley - Wow, well that is, I don't know if you think of it this way, but it’s quite an accomplishment I think, what you have done to heal yourself from that and even, I just picture you going back to Oklahoma and the people that you knew there. And being a musician and all those things. Like you’re a pretty strong person to be able to just decide that that’s not what you wanted for your life.
Becca – Well it wasn’t just on my own. I mean, I appreciate that, but I can't completely take the credit. Because I do have, you know very good friends and very supportive family that have always been there to really help reinforce, I guess, the better behavior of not doing a lot of substances.
Haley - Well that’s a good question. Like, who knew, did people know that you were using? Like how much did you hide it from your family?
Becca – My sister knew, like I didn’t come out right and tell her. I actually didn’t really confess to her until, so the night that she graduated from college. So when she was graduating, my mother and I drove up from New Jersey, because I was living in New Jersey at the time when she graduated. So my mother and I drove up to upstate New York. And my grandparents had flown, I don't remember if they remember if they flew in or they drove in. I think they drove in. which is a very long drive from Oklahoma. But anyway, so we all drove in to be there for Mary’s graduation. And Mary wanted me to come like, meet her roommate and her friends. We went out drinking and I taught them how to shotgun a beer. Because apparently if you go to a really elite college in upstate New York, you don't get the full like, college experience of shotgunning beers. That was a fun moment. But at one point in the night, we’d gotten back to her apartment on campus. And her roommates had gone to bed. And we had a very long conversation. And I kinda came clean to her about a lot of things that had happened. And why I ultimately had moved out to New Jersey. And she knew a little bit about it. Like she’s the one who kinda helped facilitate me moving in with our mother and everything. But she didn’t really know the full extent of everything. And so we had a very deep and personal conversation and I came clean to her about a lot of things that had happened. And since then, she’s been really great support to help reinforce not going back and doing those again. And you know, she's always been there for me. That if I was struggling, she was always just a phone call away and would help talk me down basically. And you know, help keep me clean.
Haley – Was she surprised when you told her? Or was she like, yeah, I already knew that?
Becca – She was surprised at some of the things, but as far as me using a lot and being an addict, that she definitely knew. She just didn't know the full extent.
Haley - Wow. So, well that’s, you know, thanks for correcting me on that. ‘Cause you kinda forget about, you do have more people in your life and hopefully they're helping you and not hindering you. And also it’s so great that you were able to share that with her and some of your other family and friends and not hide it.
Becca – Yeah, and you know, recovery, regardless of how you do it, it’s a group effort regardless of which path you decide to take for recovery. That, you know, it’s not anything you ever have to do alone and that having your own like, mental strength and willpower is important but it’s also important to know when to ask for help.
Haley - Yeah. Is there anything that I didn't ask you about, that you wanna make sure that we cover before we talk about recommended resources?
Becca – One thing that really helped me when I was going through recovery, was that, the toughest person is gonna be how tough you are on yourself. That you know, I have done like, things that I thought were unforgivable. Like, I stole money from my family. I stole things in general. I was a terrible friend sometimes. I was a terrible daughter. And a terrible sibling. And I put my family and some of my friends through a lot. But once I was going through recovery and when I was getting myself clean, those were the people who were the first ones to support me, and the first ones to welcome me back, and the ones who I could really count on and lean on when I was bettering myself. And you know, I thought that some of these people I would never get back and that some of these people would never want to have anything to do with me again. And you know, I know what’s like to be in that position and to have those thoughts and to think that there’s’ no possible way, after all the crappy things that I’ve done, that anyone would ever want anything to do with me. And it’s just not true. And that the people that you think are completely gone from your life, will probably be the ones that will be your biggest allies when you get clean.
Haley - Okay, well, I teared up a little bit. That was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for sharing some of your wisdom with us. I really appreciate that. And for recommended resources, I was looking around today and of course I was on Facebook, you know, as you do. It just, it just happens. And I don't think I’ve recommended this yet, there is a Facebook page that I follow called Adoption News and Events. And it’s facebook.com/adoptionnews. And everything they share on there, and there’s a lot of content, so you have to want to see lots of stuff from this page. Everything they share is adoption related. So anything that is reported in the news, or sometimes they’re sharing blog posts from people, stuff lots of my audience would probably be following. Adoption blogs from first mothers or adoptees, and lots of news coverage for adoption reunions. And also, ethical violation stories of which, there are so many right now. If you’re listening as we’re recording this, we’re seeing some really sketchy stories come out of South America about child trafficking. An. a horrible, horrible woman was just arrested in the states for brokering, just basically pretend babies. And stealing prospective adoptive families’ money. And yeah, just really ugly stuff. But this Facebook page has links to all of those news stories and especially if you really like the adoption reunion stories, they're coming up all the time, right? DNA reunions and things. They’re constant. I myself find it a little much. It’s always feels like that happy, sappy coverage. Which doesn’t tell the full picture, as you know, Becca. But if you just wanna know what’s happening right now and stay current on adoptee land and reunions and those kinds of things, this is a great Facebook page for you to follow. So again it’s called Adoption News and Events, and you can find it on Facebook, facebook.com/adoptionnews and I’ll have that linked in the show notes. Becca, what did you wanna share with us?
Becca – Well I have a couple of things that I would like to share. One, there is an organization I think they’re still around, Kindred Adoption. It’s an organization that was costarted, if you guys remember the show Glee, the, Samantha? She was the Asian character that was on there. And she is an adoptee. And she and a fellow adoptee have founded an organization called Kindred, the Foundation for Adoption. And it is to help adopted families, especially siblings, that have been separated, to have reunions and to be able to reunite with each other. Because we know that it can definitely be a very expensive undertaking. Especially if people are all across the country. And they try and help fund that and facilitate that, to make it an easier process.
Haley – Oh that’s so cool! I have not heard of that, that’s awesome. And especially you know, I was thinking about when your sisters were on and they were talking about the one time you guys were all together and how you guys were able to crowd fund that, but I know, I can’t imagine the costs of flying everybody in from all corners of the country. And something you don't think about necessarily.
Becca – Yeah, it’s crazy. We definitely set up a GoFundMe and there would not have been any way that we would have been able to reunite for my sister’s book release which is the other resource that it will bring up.
Haley - Oh you gotta give her a plug, perfect! You’re a natural!
Becca – But the first time that all 7 of us were together, was for Mary’s book release. We had all reunited at this point, just we could never get all 7 of us in one place at one time. And it’s expensive. It’s expensive to try and fly 7 people from all across the country, because we’re everywhere. We’re spread out across the entire United States. I don't think there’s one of us that lives in the same state as another one. So it’s definitely an expensive undertaking. And then also to have room and board for 7 people for, I think we were out there for about 4 days. So that’s not cheap either. And of course, Mary at the time, was living in Los Angeles and nothing in Los Angeles is cheap. So you know, thankfully, due to the generosity of many family and friends and people who had just seen the story and decided to donate, thankfully due to their generosity, we were able to all come together and be in the same spot at the same time, finally. And it was for my sister’s book, it’s called Bastards, it’s by Mary A. King. And it is a memoir that kind of recounts her, our experience through her eyes of what it was like growing up and having our 4 younger sisters be put up for adoption and to kind of be shuffled around from family member to family member for a little bit. And to kind of come to terms with everything that goes along with that.
Haley - And of course, she tells a bit of your story in the book as well.
Becca – She does.
Haley - You’re mentioned, you’re in there, a character on the page. How was that? Was that like, what was like when Mary Anna was like, hey, can I write about x, y, z about you? Did she do that, did she have a conversation with you?
Becca – Yes, she did. Anything that was in the book about any of us, she always made sure to make sure that she had our blessing to do. And I read a lot of the drafts that she was making and did a bit of the editing for her. obviously her main editor at her publisher did all of the heavy lifting, but there were some excerpts, especially the ones that could be a little touchy for me, she definitely had me proofread first. And make sure that she had my approval. And honestly, I was okay with her publishing that and you know, being as honest as possible about my part of the story. Because you know, at that point, I was in a much healthier place. And I thought, you know, what if there’s somebody who’s reading this who’s in the spot that I was? And I think it would be really great to be able to see that yes, you know, this experience and being an adopted person and just everything that kind of goes along with that whole narrative can be very overwhelming and can lead you to a path where the, you use these substances to cope with the feelings and the emotions that you have. But that it doesn’t always have to be that way. And that you can get past it. And that you can get better and that you can be in a better place and kind of rewrite your own story.
Haley - I love that, rewrite your own story. Thank you, that’s such a hopeful thought to end on. So where can we connect with you online?
Becca – They can find me on Facebook. My Facebook name is Becca Joking. Joking is one word. My middle name is Jo, and my last name is King, and I always thought that was real funny.
Haley - It is funny!
Becca – Well there is actually a funny story to that. So when Mary and I were being adopted and our last name was changing to King, Mary did not like the original middle name that she had. It was a very flattering middle name. and she never liked it. She found out from I think it was, from the adoption attorney, that since we were already changing our last name, that she could change her middle name too. Like, it wasn’t gonna cost any extra or anything like that. So that if she didn’t want her current middle name, she could change it. So of course, I wanted to change my middle name too. And my middle name originally was Joan. Which was after both of my biological grandmothers on both my mother and my father’s side. And my grandfather’s name is Joseph. And my grandmother’s name was Joanne. And so I wanted to be more all encompassing of all of the grandparents. And I was also reading Little Women at the time and was very inspired by the character Josephine.
Haley - Perfect, yep.
Becca – And again, thought it would be hilarious to be Becca Jo King. Forever. And honestly my sense of humor hasn’t really changed that much since then.
Haley - Well that’s good, that’s good. 8 year old Becca knew, she knew. Well thanks so much, Becca. It was so good chatting with you.
Becca – It was wonderful chatting with you as well. And thank you so much for having me on here. It was really a great experience.
Haley - My honor!
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Haley - Next week we are wrapping up the Adoptees On Addiction series and there’s a fantastic interview I can’t wait to share with you. We talk to you Sara-Jayne King, radio host and author of Killing Karoline. She has some amazing insights and you won't wanna miss it, I promise. So make sure you’re subscribed to Adoptees On in your favorite podcast app! I like to use Overcast but if you have an iPhone or an android and you’re looking to find what’s the best place to listen, go over to adopteeson.com/subscribe and there’s a bunch of different links there you can try out. And I just wanna say a big thank you as always to my monthly Patreon supporters. I couldn’t keep doing this show without your support. So I'm so thankful for you. If you wanna stand with us and make sure adoptee voices are heard all around the world, head over to adoptees.com/partner and signup! Thanks so much for listening, let’s talk again next Friday.
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