46 Kristen - Acting Adopted
/Transcript
Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/46
Haley Radke: [00:00:00] You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Season 3, Episode 7, Kristen. I'm your host, Haley Radke. Today, I welcome Kristen Garaffo to share her story. Kristen discovered adoption had a deeper impact on her life than she originally realized.
She shares some incredible moments of clarity she's had along the way, and about the impact acting, singing and yoga have had on her healing journey. We wrap up with some recommended resources, and, as always, links to all of the things we'll be talking about today are on the website adopteeson.com Let's listen in.
I am so pleased to welcome to Adoptees On, Kristen Garaffo. Welcome!
Kristen Garaffo: Hey. I'm so excited.
Haley Radke: Did I get [00:01:00] it? Did I get it right?
Kristen Garaffo: You did. You totally got it right.
Haley Radke: Oh, Kristen, I'm so happy to have you here. We actually met at the Indiana Adoptee Network conference in person. And we were in a little support group together where I said some very inappropriate things to an adoptive parent. I'll never forget that. I'm not going to share that here, but that is my shame I have carried for a while.
Anyway, that's an aside, but I am glad I got to meet you in person. So that was really fun. And I'd love it if you would just start off by sharing your story with us.
Kristen Garaffo: Yeah. So I am an international adoptee. I was born in Asunción, Paraguay. I was adopted when I was six months old. Growing up, I never really thought [00:02:00] a ton about my adoption.
It's something that I've always known. There was never a time I didn't know. And I was busy as a kid. I did theater. I sang in choir and I was really into it. Really into it. I went to college, I have a musical theater degree. And that had been my focus. That has been my focus, I would say for a majority of my life. Honestly, like I had blinders on, I wanted to be on Broadway.
And I had a ton of support doing all of those things. And it wasn't until I was in college I was not getting cast in the shows at school. And I had a professor who told me that I could write my own stuff. If I was unhappy not performing, I should just create my own performance [00:03:00] opportunities.
And she said, It needs to be something that is uniquely you, like what makes you uniquely you? And at the time I was like, Well, I'm adopted. I guess I could write about that. And that opened a whole world of stuff, a world of things. And I was really into writing a piece that I didn't even really know what it was at the time.
And I ended up getting busy with school so it fell to the back burner. And this piece has continued to flow in and out of my life every year since. Since 2008 was when I had this idea and when I really became aware of all of my just adoption stuff. And then here I am.
Haley Radke: What do you mean by all your adoption stuff?
Kristen Garaffo: So growing up not thinking about adoption at all. Not really. It was just something that wasn't on my mind. I would say [00:04:00] that my stuff is just thinking about it and spending time with this part of my life and just like thoughts of my birth mother, thoughts of Paraguay, thoughts of what would life have been like, all of those things.
Yeah, and also just learning in college, learning about different adoption communities and that they were even a thing because I grew up not knowing that there are adoption support groups and communities of people. Yeah, so it was like a whole world opened up to me
Haley Radke: So have you ever gone back to Paraguay?
Kristen Garaffo: I have not. No. I have not.
Haley Radke: And what about the culture and those kind of things? Were you exposed to that by your adoptive parents?
Kristen Garaffo: Yeah, a little bit. So I remember in my room growing up, I had some art on the wall that was from Paraguay and I had certain, [00:05:00] I don't even know what you call them, like they were all art things.
I think my parents went to a market when they were there and they just bought little souvenir-type things. And that kind of went with what I've always known, there were things on the wall there. I was surrounded by these things. Honestly, I don't really know a ton about the culture and the country.
And that has been sad for me. Paraguay is a pretty small country in the middle of South America. It's landlocked. When I've looked up information about it it's limited. And that is something that I want to learn more about. Definitely, just like the culture in the country, and I do want to go back one day very soon.
Haley Radke: What did realizing there was some “adoption stuff” mean to you for next steps? Like you talked about you wrote this thing, but you put it to the side.
Kristen Garaffo: The play that [00:06:00] I was writing for the first couple of years, really I didn't know what it was, I just knew that there would be little instances that happened every once in a while that would make me feel very specific things like hurt or sadness or just like numb feelings.
And when those experiences would happen, I would write about them and they would happen maybe once or twice a year. And I ended up having a bunch of really random scenes that didn't necessarily go together, but I knew I had something and I really think I came face to face with the hurt and trauma and my shadow in a yoga class.
Actually, I [00:07:00] was in a yoga class, really one of my first ever yoga classes that I ever took. And we went into a pose called half pigeon pose, which is a deep hip opener. And I ended up crying a lot in the middle of this yoga class on my mat.
And at the time I had recently graduated from college. I was so stressed out. I was exhausted. College was really crazy for me. And it was like all of this emotion came out of me and looking back at that moment, I think it went beyond just the exhaustion and the stress of being a college graduate. I really think I tapped into something deeper, which I believe is my primal wound.
Haley Radke: You said the hurt and trauma and shadow. Can you talk about that?
Kristen Garaffo: Yeah. Shadow. So I'm a yoga teacher and a life [00:08:00] coach, and I think a lot about light and shadow within ourselves. I think that I am a pretty up person, like my essence is joy. And I feel confident saying that. I think maybe at one point I would be not owning that part of myself, but I do think that my natural energy is light and buoyant and joyful.
And at the same time, there is this deep shadow I call a shadow. Which is the hurt and the pain of my adoption. And it is really scary to go to those places. And at the same time, it's a part of who I am, and I think about valuing the light and the dark within myself and within all of us.
Like I value that shadow even though it's hard and scary and I [00:09:00] feel so many complex things about being adopted and what that means to be adopted and I'm still navigating all of my feelings.
Haley Radke: So have you looked into why you were available for adoption?
Kristen Garaffo: The story that I've been told is that my birth mother was 19. She already had a little girl, so I have a birth sister who's three years older than I was. And the story was just that she couldn't take care of me. And that it was, you know, her life. I think she was cleaning houses. Already having a three year old, having another one would just be too much.
Haley Radke: So when you know that, what are you believing about yourself?
Kristen Garaffo: An initial thought is like, Why? And also at the same time, like I get it. I get it, like two kids is [00:10:00] more than one. I don't even really know if I've taken the time to sit with that. What does that actually feel like?
Haley Radke: Feelings are so fun, aren't they? You had this moment on the yoga mat of feelings and we're opened up to thinking about maybe there's more to this adoption thing. You've all these scenes written, but they're disjointed. Let's go back to that.
Kristen Garaffo: Yeah. Yeah. And I would love to talk about an experience that I had that made me take my place seriously. I think before it was just a thing that I was doing that was maybe going to be something but I didn't really know. And it wasn't until I took a trip to Costa Rica. I traveled to Costa Rica for a yoga leadership retreat and it was the prerequisite to my life coach [00:11:00] certification and I was going to do yoga and to go.
It wasn't really a retreat 'cause we were doing really deep soul work and we were there for two weeks. And what I was not expecting was be being in Central America, even though it wasn't South America, had a huge impact on me. And my cells. When I try to explain what it was like, I can explain it as feelings in my body from immediately getting off of the plane and feeling the hot air and seeing the palm trees and just being in a place that is closer to the equator.
I started getting teary eyed. My heart started pounding and I felt like I [00:12:00] was vibrating and I was like, What is happening? This is crazy. And not thinking about adoption at all. And I just felt, I felt feelings. I felt feelings and I didn't know where they were coming from.
And I had another moment. I think it was the second day that I was there at the retreat center. So our morning practice was silent. So we had silent breakfast and we could journal, we could meditate, we could do whatever we wanted to do before breakfast and before the first session of the day at this leadership retreat.
And I woke up and went into the kitchen and at this retreat center everything was open so we could see the jungle and there were monkeys and there were lots and lots of sounds even though we were being silent. And there were two women who worked at the retreat center [00:13:00] who were making us breakfast and the silent breakfast didn't apply to them.
So they were speaking Spanish to one another as they were cutting up fruit. They were cutting up fruit. And I remember sitting and looking out into the jungle and hearing all of these monkeys and nature sounds and hearing these two women speaking Spanish to one another chopping fruit and hearing the knife on the table and just kitchen sounds. And I started weeping and it was another moment of sensory overload and, again, I didn't know why I was feeling all of this.
And I was just sitting at this kitchen table crying. And it wasn't until I talked to my teacher and I was [00:14:00] like, I don't know why I'm feeling so emotional for no reason. And she said, Well, you don't know yet. And when I actually figured out why I was feeling all of this stuff is we ended up doing a meditation on being in the womb.
And I had never thought about that. I had never thought about my time in the womb. And I was like, Oh. Oh, okay. It's this. This is it. And coming back to the play, like why, and also just like life, all of it came together and I realized that my story and this part of my life is so important and is part of who I am.
And also, I think of myself as a storyteller and as an actor, that's also a part of who I am. And how I started on my own healing journey with my adoption was, actually, like the end of that retreat. I was like, I am writing this play. I'm writing it. I am getting resources to help me write this play [00:15:00] and I am doing it.
And I did.
Haley Radke: You're telling that story about the women cutting fruit and I have goosebumps. Like something about it was familiar to you.
Kristen Garaffo: Yes, and I know that now. At the time I didn't understand, but now I can look back at it and, yeah, it's like an unconscious memory. It's like a knowing without knowing but knowing. It's so confusing, but I know you know what I mean.
Haley Radke: Preverbal memories.
Kristen Garaffo: Exactly. Yeah, so after my Costa Rica trip, I decided to really buckle down and write this piece. So I ended up falling down a Google rabbit hole, just like googling one-woman shows. And I ended up finding a woman named Tanya Taylor Rubinstein. And Tanya Taylor Rubinstein is in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
And she [00:16:00] is a coach. She's a healer. She helps people write and tell their stories. And she had a solo show bootcamp. And I found this. Again, I didn't know this was a thing, but I was like, Holy moly, I have to hire this woman. So I ended up calling her and I flew to Santa Fe, New Mexico. I spent a couple of days with Tanya and that was the first time where I was able to take all of these scenes that I had written and I actually tossed them out the window, since I had been in Santa Fe and we started over, and it was really amazing because we didn't even write. I don't remember, I think it was four days, it was three or four days that I was there, and I didn't write at all, I was on my feet and storytelling the whole time.
Tanya would ask questions and she would guide me through and [00:17:00] I just started telling stories about my life. And we recorded everything so I ended up going home with hours of content of me just sharing stories. And once I got home, I was able to transcribe some of those stories and put them together with a beginning, a middle and an end. And ultimately what the play has turned into.
It's called Hi, My Name is Kristen. And it is my story from birth to my early twenties, like right after college. And it is my life as a series of auditions. And, yeah, it explores my life as a performer who is also adopted. It explores my feelings with rejection, with acceptance, with my strong desire to [00:18:00] please as a performer. And also as an adoptee, and all of those things are heightened because of my adoption. And that's the piece.
Haley Radke: That's amazing. And I'm just thinking about adoptees as performers, can you talk a little bit more about that?
Kristen Garaffo: I was actually inspired. What brought the play together for me was reading The Primal Wound for the first time.
And honestly, as I was reading it, we all know that's a pretty tough read. It's a pretty tough read. And as I was reading it, I was like, I don't really know if this applies to me. Like I don't know, but I kept reading and until I got to a point and it was a small little paragraph and it said something like, if your child isn't showing, [00:19:00] anger, loneliness, or I'm not sure exactly what it said, but it's the opposite, like if your kid is perfect and follows the rules and in general seems very happy and eager to please, the wound is still there. It's just showing up in a different way. And it's an unconscious fear of being rejected.
And I read that and my heart stopped and I was like, I get it. I was like, that's me. That's me. And just thinking about adoptees as performers, it's wanting to please, it's wanting to be perfect. It's wanting to not upset. It's wanting to not offend because we don't want to be rejected again.
Haley Radke: It was an interesting career path that you chose. Always having to audition. I know you've shifted [00:20:00]
Kristen Garaffo: I didn't pick it. I remember, especially growing up, I love to sing. I love to sing and the first musical that I was ever in was Snow White and the Seven Dwarves in fourth grade. And that was it. I did it and I was like, Done, I'm doing this forever. I loved it so much.
And as I got older, and this is what happens in the play, it gets more serious and I put so much pressure on myself to do well and to succeed. And I think it was not only me but hearing adults say, You're so talented. You're so great. We love you and all of that, and hearing that and being like, Yes, I need that. I need that to be worthy.
This is totally random, but I played Annie [00:21:00] in eighth grade. I totally didn't put the two and two together until I was writing my piece, until I was writing Hi, My Name is Kristen. I played Annie in eighth grade, and I don't know, it's so silly.
Haley Radke: I don't know. I said what a career you chose, or whatever, you just loved it. That's who you are and you want to sing and perform. And so what has that led you to? Tell me more about that.
Kristen Garaffo: Yes. I live outside of Washington D.C. And I've been a professional actor here in D.C. since 2010-ish. And it's interesting because living the actor lifestyle is hard. It's hard because you have to audition all of the time. There is no real job security. It's going from show to show. And honestly as I have lived that life, but also at the same time I was teaching yoga, I got my life coach certification and the [00:22:00] more that I leaned into that world and taking care of my body, taking care of my heart, I realized that the actor lifestyle is hard and maybe not for me, at least at this point in my life.
And at the same time, that doesn't take away my love of performing, my love of storytelling, my love of singing and music. And what it means to me now is I am still performing, I'm still creating music, just on my own terms. I don't think I ever want to audition again. I just want to be empowered to create my own stuff.
Haley Radke: Yes. I had written down when you very first said that one of your teachers said, Create your own opportunities. And so you've written your one-woman show for you. For you to [00:23:00] perform. Can we talk a little bit about plays, theater and what it's like for an audience member to experience these things?
So when I was in Indiana with you, Brian Stanton performed Blank and I basically was dead because it was so amazing. I went to the C.U.B. retreat, the Concerned United Birthparents Retreat. And they had a performance, it was a reading of Lord of the Underworld's Home for Unwed Mothers by Louisa Hill.
I sat through both of those performances and I was riveted and I cried and I felt all of the empathy for the characters and experienced this crazy ride of emotions, the sadness and anger, and I [00:24:00] shared with a couple of my friends who missed out. They didn't come to the play.
They were doing something else. And I was like, it was so powerful. I can't believe you missed it. And they didn't get why it was so important, and I don't know how to put that into words. What it's like to experience that with a room full of other audience members who are going on the same ride as you, and do you have words for that?
What does that mean for you?
Kristen Garaffo: Yeah and before I jump in, I also want to share with you that I went to the conference in Indiana to see Brian's play. I had just met Ridghaus, who I know you've talked to. Like two weeks before that conference at another conference, he was like, You should come see this show.
Because he knew I had written a play. And I was like, Okay. I booked a ticket and it was so [00:25:00] incredible. It was so huge for me because my play has been just in my brain for a really long time. And to actually see Brian perform his piece was validation for me that it's possible and seeing it was so powerful because his piece was so powerful and it empowered me to keep going with my play.
I think that storytelling is magic. I think stories touch us in a way that is different than hearing a talk. I'm touching my heart right now. I think stories touch us in a way that's different. And I think specifically with theater and being in a room with other people and having other real life human beings in front of you telling a story that [00:26:00] that kind of intimacy is rare.
I think now with technology and with other mediums, like film and TV, and not that there's anything wrong with film or TV, I love film and TV, but I think that theater in particular is its own art form and is beautiful and intimate. And I also know as a performer that, again, it's magic, and I cry.
The last show that I was in was three years ago. And it's a part of me being able to tell my story in my way. My way as an actor, as a musician, as a singer. Saying my own words, telling my own [00:27:00] story in front of a group of people in the present moment is so amazing. It's so amazing. And I'm just so honored and excited to share my piece.
And I believe it's an honor to be in a space with other human beings in real time and hearing a story, and being able to sit and watch. And I also think that because I've been performing for so long, I know what it takes to put on a play or a musical, and it takes a village. It takes a village.
There's a whole team of people who are working to make it happen. And I think that's pretty special.
Haley Radke: Have you seen the one I mentioned? Lord of the Underworld's Home for Unwed Mothers.
Kristen Garaffo: Oh, I've never seen that one.
Haley Radke: Okay, so it's actually not written by an adoptee or a birth mother. It's written by the playwright Louisa Hill. And I actually was messaging with her because I was telling her how incredible I [00:28:00] thought it was. And I was like, Are you an adoptee? And she said, No, but I have a few friends who are adopted and I read the Primal Wound and some other books about adoption. Because she nails it. It's incredible. The first act is all from the birth mother's perspective.
And it's the Baby Scoop Era, where they sent the mothers away to a home and they had no choice. They had to give their babies away and when they hesitate and they want to keep the baby they're like, Okay, here's your bill. So their hands are tied basically. And then the second half is the adoptee perspective.
So during the first act, there were two older ladies sitting next to me and they were birth mothers and the one would nudge the other one: That's what they said to me! And they, when they're experiencing the unwed mother's home, they were just so moved. And I [00:29:00] was too, right?
There is something magic, as you say, about being in person and experiencing it together. What other words can you say about that?
Kristen Garaffo: Yeah, and you can see and hear your story and someone else's story. And I think that is also magic. Because that means you were not alone. We're not alone. And who doesn't need that reminder?
Haley Radke: Yeah. That's a big part of why I created the podcast, this platform for people to share their stories. Exactly, so that people can listen and think, Oh my goodness, I'm not the only one who has weird and crazy thoughts that I've never said out loud before.
Kristen Garaffo: Yes. Yes. Totally. I think writing my play has been immensely healing. Telling my story has been [00:30:00] really healing, because I think, like what you just said, it's like having these thoughts that we've never really said out loud. I think there is power in owning our stories.
There is power in being able to speak these things out loud. And, my time with Tanya in Santa Fe was hugely healing. And it was the first time. We did some crazy stuff. Talking about the primal wound, I turned the wound into a character. And it was like, what does the wound sound like? What does the wound say? How does the wound move? What does it look like? And being able to embody that was crazy and amazing and scary and all of these things.
Using your body and using your voice and telling your story is healing is super healing. My healing continues as I share this piece with more [00:31:00] and more people, which is happening. And, you know, my piece has taken its time to be birthed out into the world and I think there was a time where I thought that it was happening too slowly, but now I understand why it's taken this long, because I think if I had performed it when I had finished writing it, that I just wouldn't have been ready emotionally to share and to speak my story.
So I've taken my time, and other things that I have done there is an adult adoptee support group that I go to. I should say once a month, I don't go once a month though. But knowing that it's there, and going to support group therapy is good. Also, I have a life coach.
I would consider my yoga practice as part of my healing. I am also a CrossFit athlete. Really moving my body, I think, [00:32:00] is part of it. Because our emotions and our thoughts can get stuck in our bodies, I believe, and I think that our trauma lives in our muscles, it lives in our bones, and we can only talk so much about it and stay in our brains.
Moving and being in our bodies touches on our wounds in a different way than just talking about it. Not to say that talking about it isn't helpful as well because, holy moly, that's super valuable to be able to voice these thoughts that we may be afraid to say out loud, but then adding a movement practice into it, at least in my own experience, it's been huge for me.
Haley Radke: Thank you for sharing that. We have been talking about how creativity and different forms in visual arts and music and in all of these different pieces helps us to express the nonverbal, right? And so movement is just another layer of that.
Kristen Garaffo: Totally.
Haley Radke: So well [00:33:00] said. Thank you. Okay. So for recommended resources, as you said, you are a musician as well, so you have a couple of songs up on, I found them on YouTube, on Spotify, and where else can we find them?
Kristen Garaffo: Yeah, I think they're YouTube, Spotify, iTunes, as well. I have one song out called “I Am” and it was written for meditation and it's positive affirmations and you can stream that on Spotify and iTunes. And then I have a forgiveness meditation called “Ho'oponopono.” It is a Hawaiian forgiveness practice and that is on YouTube.
There's more music to come. So songwriting is new for me and I am excited to just dig more into that. And there's also original music in my play Hi, My Name is Kristen. So I have my [00:34:00] ukulele, the ukulele makes an entrance in the show. Singing is, music is in my heart.
Haley Radke: It's so beautiful and I keep saying this word, but it's so moving as well. And your one-woman show. So tell us, are we able to see this, like what's happening?
Kristen Garaffo: Yes, there's a reading of Hi, My Name is Kristen happening on November 5th at 5:30 at a place called Rhizome DC.
It's a community art space in the Takoma neighborhood of Washington D.C. and tickets are free. So that reading is happening very soon and I want to take this show where it’s needed. I have a goal to perform this piece all over the country, where it's needed. So I'm taking this show on the road. And if you're interested, holler at me.
Haley Radke: It would be a great addition to another Adoptee conference, right? Target market. [00:35:00] So good. Thank you. Okay. And now what did you want to recommend to us?
Kristen Garaffo: Yeah, Tanya Taylor Rubenstein. If you are interested in telling your story, whether it's a memoir or if you want to create a talk, like a TED Talk, or a one-woman or a one-man show, Tanya will help you out.
She'll help you get your story out into the world. She helped me out and I am so grateful for her. And also, if you have never taken a yoga class or a meditation class, I recommend it. I recommend it. It makes you feel good.
Haley Radke: Wonderful, I will put links to all of those things, to your show and to your recommendation in the show notes so people can find those. And where can we connect with you online, Kristen?
Kristen Garaffo: So I am on Facebook. I'm on Instagram. You can just look up Kristen Garaffo. That's my Instagram handle and on Facebook [00:36:00] as well. And my website, KristenGaraffo.com.
Haley Radke: Thank you so much for chatting with me and sharing your story.
Kristen Garaffo: You're so welcome. I'm so happy and grateful to be here. Thank you.
Haley Radke: It's November and that means it's National Adoption Awareness Month. Did you know that this month was supposed to highlight the need for homes for older children in foster care? But instead, in these past few years, it has turned into this heavy month of promoting and celebrating adoption in every form.
So if you're feeling feisty and would like to have some say in the conversation, head over to any social media outlet and share what adoption has meant to you and tell some adoptee truth, because believe me, there is not enough out [00:37:00] there. And there's a ton of hashtags out there. Flip The Script is one great one to follow and join in on.
Alternately, if you are feeling sensitive and like you don't have it in you to read post after post about how amazing adoption is, November is the perfect month for a social media break and some self care, which I am more in that camp for today.
Anyway, this show is brought to you by my incredibly generous Patreon supporters of which there are now, listen to this you guys, 36! Thank you so very much. When I get to 50 supporters, I will be able to hire an editor to help with my workload and my dear husband and my tiny kids will be delighted to have some time back with me again.
So, if you would like to stand with me and these amazing 36 partners that I have, Patreon [00:38:00] is this crowdfunding website that takes monthly pledges and it helps me sustain the podcast. All the details and how to sign up are on adopteeson.com/partner.
Last thing, I always ask you to share the show. My husband just got us a Google home speaker. And did you know, if you say, Google play the podcast Adoptees On, it will. Isn't that cool? Try it out! And if you're at a friend's house and they have a smart speaker, maybe you can show them how it works to play a podcast.
Thanks for listening, friends, and take good care, especially this month. And let me know if you go check out Kristen's one-woman show. I would love to hear how it is. I wish I could go.
Let's talk again next Friday.
