62 Doug - Digital Relationships
/Transcript
Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/62
Haley Radke: This show is listener supported.
You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Season Four, Episode Four: Doug. I'm your host, Haley Radke.
I am honored to introduce you to Doug Umberger today. Doug has spent hours and hours interviewing adoptees to find out how digital media has impacted their search and, eventually, their relationships with biological families.
He shares his personal journey of searching for his birth mother through digital media channels and how, ultimately, what convinced him to press pause on his search for now. Doug recounts a few of his participants' experiences for us, and I want you to listen with me for both the benefits that relationships via digital connections have brought, and also some of the relational pitfalls.
We wrap up with some recommended resources and make sure you stick around to the end of the show to hear details of our upcoming San Francisco Podcast Meetup. And if you are a Canadian adoptee, I also have one more recommended resource for you. Let's listen in.
I'm so pleased to welcome to Adoptees On, Doug Umberger. Welcome, Doug.
Doug Umberger: Thank you, Haley. It's my pleasure.
Haley Radke: Well, I am so excited to talk to you because you have done some really interesting research about adoptees and you have spent many hours talking to adoptees just like I have. But first, before we get to that, I'd love it if you would share part of your story with us.
Doug Umberger: Certainly. It's so nice speaking to you, first and foremost. I mean, I'm kinda starstruck at the moment being able to listen. We were just talking about the fact that I have been in your shoes for like sixteen hours, just interviewing adoptees. And you have this angelic voice, so pleasant to hear. And I have this goofy elephant sound, so I apologize for the sharp juxtaposition to your viewers. [they both laugh]
Haley Radke: I'm gonna have to cut all of this. No, that's so funny.
Doug Umberger: That's good.
So my story, I guess. As a SparkNotes, bird's eye view, I was born in 1990 in New Jersey. I was born out of Catholic Charities, which was an interesting perspective as an adoptee, because my adoptive mother worked at Catholic Charities for which I was adopted from. So she adopted along with my dad, my sister, and myself.
My sister's five years my senior, so she's five years older. And for whatever the reason, I have always gravitated towards my adoption story. I was always just acutely interested from the start. And it's always been because both of us were adopted, sort of this transparent part of the household. It was nothing to be ashamed about. It was embraced. It was celebrated and it was a proud part of my identity.
And it's funny in hindsight, because I'm thinking about, you know, some of my adopted friends (which are few and far between). But I have one in particular, as I was vetting through the college search process, I asked her, I was like, “Are you writing your college essay on being adopted?” And if she did, and she said something anecdotally and, you know, our conversation sort of just shooting the breeze. And she was like, you know, “Being adopted is unique, but it doesn't make us any more special than anyone else.” And as I continue to hear your podcast, I hear that perspective, you know, sort of sporadically through a few different adoptees. But, just something I was always really proud of.
And I had a unique adoption story. Again, nothing too far off the beaten path or out of the ordinary, but my biological mother was a twin. She was adopted herself, so there was kind of a foundation there. And I always felt this tenacity from a very young age to connect in some way, shape, or form. So I knew it was going to be this very long term, strategic plan over the course of my life, that in due time I would love to meet with Linda and sit down and just to have a conversation.
Over time– I went through just one foster care before I was adopted, and I was very young, I think about six weeks or so. But nevertheless, the foster mom shared a story by way of Catholic Charities. And I heard those stories that are passed along–these sort of fairytale fantasies of sorts, they sort of snowball out of effect. So I just, for whatever the reason, I remember being told that my mother was sort of a groupie of sorts. She met my father, who was a musician of sorts. They had a fling and they were too young, so they put me up for adoption, and that is the fullest extent of what I knew.
I'm going into it. So there was a lot of ambiguity and just mystery that really piqued my interest from as far as I could remember (a very, very early age). In 2008, perhaps 2009, I was perhaps a senior in high school or so, I decided to move forward, once I was a legal, consenting adult, to move forward (with the paperwork, to start the adoption search process). And just, I recall (almost as if it was yesterday), sitting down with my mom and, you know, going through all the paperwork and just having these conversations of, “Are you emotionally stable? Are you ready for something as momentous and grandiose as what you're about to embark on?”
So we submitted the obligatory paperwork and I guess in a matter of time we got something in response saying that it would've been a little costly to move forward in the search. So we kind of tabled it (and appropriately so– I was about to enter college). So I figured, why not just revisit this in a couple of years, when I have a better head on my shoulders and perhaps a little bit of a better mindset.
So college happened, and then I sort of forgot about it for a little while. I got a job professionally (just took a couple years). And then in 2016, something came about, where my mom passed along (by way of Facebook or some sort of social media). She was like, “Hey, just so you know, New Jersey is officially passing the law for adoptees to receive the original birth certificates.” And I was like, “Oh, wow!”
After all of that time, you know, back in 2008/2009, when we went through everything that we went through and all the money that it was going to cost for it to be as seemingly trivial as for me to submit an application fee and a paper application or just a request form to—I think it was Vital Statistics (the name of the office in Jersey).
It just seemed such a sharp contrast for everything that I could have gone through at such an extenuating rate. And for me to just submit a paper application was really, really jarring to me. So near the tail end of 2016, it was passed. In the beginning of 2016 in December, giving biological parents a full year to sort of redact their information. And I submitted and, you know, sent along the application and sort of concurrent to that process (and on the other side of the same coin), I decided to submit an AncestryDNA. Which was fun. I didn't expect too much to come out of it, because I had non-identifying information (but just very brief, just hiccups into my biological parents' life). First name, last name, know where they were born. That's pretty much the fullest extent of what I knew.
So, you know, the AncestryDNA–I submitted the saliva sample or whatever I had to send along in the vial and it came back. And I had a 98% match with somebody. And I'm gonna revisit that story in particular, because in a matter of just a couple of weeks (I think it was two or three weeks), I got this piece of paper in the mail. And, you know, I opened it up and I figured it was like a confirmation of receipt or something along those lines. It was something, in hindsight, I did not emotionally prepare for it because I just opened it up. It was a thin envelope. It wasn't anything too out of the ordinary of your everyday typical bill, but it was in fact my original birth certificate. It was a scanned version, but nevertheless, all of the information was disclosed: my mom and dad's full names. Their entire stories were just listed there on paper.
And so all of this was sort of culminating. It came about while I was in the process of finalizing my master's degree at Louisville University, which is where I work, and just received the degree. Shameless plug: Go Greyhounds! I was receiving a master's degree in Digital and Emerging Media, so it was part of the Communication Department. And the majority of my portfolio (my academic portfolio) was actually catered to higher education and international recruitment, for which I work. But, you know, sort of the capstone thesis and the big final project is a 70 page thesis on the topic of your choice, but it has to be within the scope and in the general realm of digital media.
So I said, “Oh boy, I do not know the language of adoption psychology. I am not an expert in this field in any way, shape, or form.” But I felt some sort of calling (almost) to write my thesis on how adoptees and closed adoptions use social media to find their biological parents and did that through the search process. So as I sort of perused Google Scholars, and Google Books, and EBSCOHost, and just such a wide array of different online databases, and virtual libraries, I didn't really find much.
I was not necessarily perturbed, but I remember being frustrated with how little research and how scant information was out there in this industry, for something that is so vital to so many individuals. And being at the cusp of digital technology, as the Baby Boomers sort of transition over to Millennials, and as digital technology and social media sort of is drawn to the forefront of just being an invaluable tool and resource for millions of people around the world (regardless of the circumstance). But for adoption in particular, I felt the need to move forward with it and I certainly decided to do so.
So that's sort of the foundation. And there's a lot of context there, and there's a lot of moving pieces, and a lot of ways to pivot. I don't want to put the ball in your court, Haley, but…
Haley Radke: Can you tell me, did you end up finding your biological family? You said you had a 98% match. Is that something that you want to talk about?
Doug Umberger: It was, and to this day, remains perhaps the most eerie coincidence that I have ever had in my entire life. So this 98% match via AncestryDNA. I don't even remember her name. She was a pleasure to chat with and sort of shoot the breeze. And we were bantering and going back and forth. And as soon as I received the information from Vital Statistics, I immediately rounded back to her and I was like, “Hey, I have all the information.”
So I disclosed it, I laid it all out there for her, and I'm like, “We have a 98% match. What are the odds? Do you know, you know these people's names?” And, and she responded (and I kid you not here). She was like, “Well, while I do not know either your father's full name, your mother's maiden name (or any variations of those names), I do, however, live in the same town for which you were born and directly across the street from the hospital that you were born in.”
So, here I had this match via AncestryDNA, who (well, inadvertently) was just a part of every nook and cranny at the very early and beginning stages of my search process, which was really difficult for me to come to terms with. I sort of just squashed it and I was taken aback, obviously, but I moved on.
So that was very fascinating for me to understand. But then I sort of just brushed it aside and I erased it, because I was in the process of trying to meet with all of these participants that I was gathering information from. And I was in the heart of my own research that I was sort of spearheading at the time. So it was sort of a parenthesis and just a punctuation that really just took me by surprise. So I left that sort of as face value. It was kind of unfortunate, but just again, a very strange coincidence that continues to keep me up at night at some points in time.
Haley Radke: Okay. So just to clarify, she's told you that she just knows your town, and the hospital where you were born, and stuff, but that she's not necessarily related to you? I don't understand.
Doug Umberger: Yeah. She had no—Something that I learned, Haley, to be frank with you… Throughout, you know, all of my discussions that I had with so many people and the hours that I've spent just diving headfirst into the research, is that everyone and their mother apparently is a genealogist. Everybody in the adoption circuit has this innate sense of being a genealogist, and she some way, somehow, was also one.
She had records going back to the early 1900s on her genealogy and nothing showed my parents' names within that family tree of sorts. So she was pretty confident in her analysis. And I just took that as is and decided to move forward. So I sort of, again, pivoted over to social media and just Google and basic search browsers on the Internet to continue with my search.
Haley Radke: Using the names on the OBC?
Doug Umberger: Correct. So my dad was an easy way to start. I mean, I just Googled his name with quotations around. So it sort of simplified it into that term. So I guess, qualified the search a little bit or expedited it a little bit further. But it immediately came up to public records, you know, Whitepages and the like. I never had any interest in moving forward with meeting my biological father. I can't quite tell you why. I just never had as much of a connection as I did with my mom.
And I don't know if that's the backstory. I don't know if it's just the fact that I never really had an image or a persona for him. So with my original adoption records, I received just one photo, and it was actually a photo of my mom (who, to reiterate, was an identical twin). So it was kind of, kind of interesting on the envelope it said, I think, “Doug's mom is the one on the right or the left,” (whatever they notated).
But they're practically wearing the same thing. They had big, blonde, curly hair. So it was just a comedy of errors and kind of a farce (in a way), just to be in that situation as a 7-year-old, and to revisit it as an 18-year-old, and now in my late twenties, also to have the same photo.
But I never had a photo of my dad. And, likewise, as I sort of delved into social media, he never had any form of Facebook or Twitter–not that I would foresee him to have a blog or Instagram. But there was no trace of him. There were just a few points as to where he lived in North Carolina, which was fine. I sort of just closed off that part of the search process.
And I diverted and spent the majority of my time and attention on what I had ultimately sought, which was finding, and meeting, and establishing, and cultivating a relationship with my mother (which I knew was going to be incredibly more challenging than almost effortlessly finding my dad). Because it was still the maiden name, she was a twin.
So I looked in online yearbooks, and online newspaper clippings, and (obviously) social media. And for both my mom and what would be my biological aunt, for both of their names, I didn't really find much. There wasn't anything on the surface. There were some leads, but nothing that was concrete or gave me solace or the confidence I needed in order to initiate communication or have a further conversation.
Mind you, I had viewed, initially, 2017 to be this short term strategic plan of sorts being like, “Okay, in December I will submit the paperwork. I will move on with my life. Maybe after six months they'll round back and they'll say, ‘Oh, we found your records (or whatever the circumstance).” I did not expect the turnaround to be as rapid as it was, so that took me off guard a little bit.
So we're still in early January. This is the beginning of 2017. It is the new year. It has only been a week since I've received this grounding information that has forever warped the trajectory of my life. So I'm just casually and recreationally between work, and my other activities that I'm part of, and a part-time job, I'm just sort of scouring the Internet for whatever I can find. And then one night (again, sort of inadvertently), I landed upon what was my biological aunt (so my mom's twin’s wedding photo clipping, with her maiden name… (Was it her maiden name? I'm trying to think about this….)
It was her new married name. I know that much, but I guess the maiden [name] was in conjunction with her married [name]? So it was enough to move to the first five pages of a Google search, theoretically. And I, of course, had to open and sort of investigate every single one of them in order to find anything that I needed.
So I ended up seeing this clipping. And just by the look, this hauntingly similar facial structure– Because myself and my mom, we look very much alike (and naturally, based on the process of elimination of being an identical twin, my aunt does as well). So I felt pretty confident. I knew it was her. So I had a better understanding, now that I had my aunt's married name. And I used that information to leverage as much additional identifying information as I could possibly gather.
So, just taking copious notes and using it to my advantage. I ended up finding an online obituary (which would've been for my grandfather). Not biological—this would be just paternal adopted grandfather (because, remember, they were adopted themselves).
Haley Radke: Mm-hmm.
Doug Umberger: But nevertheless, I found the information that I needed (which was my mom's new married name). So I used that, and I Googled and used social media. So I just tried to cast my net as far and wide as I possibly could. And I found the information for which I saw, and it led to a turbulent past (which is fine and completely understandable). And, you know, there was something so sobering about the experience and finding everything and having it fully come to fruition, some decade and change later (after initially submitting the paperwork).
But it was sort of at that time that I decided I have what I needed. And I was pleased with the methods, and the calculus, and sort of the strategy that I took in order to receive it. And now I am going to put all of my eggs into the basket of my master's degree. And I'm going to pick the brains of 16 adoptees with radically different perspectives, and stories, and ways that they found (or perhaps took a similar approach in finding) their biological parents.
So I ended it quite there. And again, an incredibly long-winded response as to my personal timeline. But this is all context as to why I decided to write about this as much as I did and to research as deeply as I did.
Haley Radke: Yeah, absolutely. Well, and I don't want to go forward without just saying I'm sorry to hear that you found this troubled past and, you know, that's tough. It's sort of a period—
Doug Umberger: It’s enough.
Haley Radke: Well, you know, if you're not comfortable reaching out because of that, it's kind of like—it's just, I don't know. Yeah.
Doug Umberger: It's totally fair. That's valid. In full honesty, Haley, I have more interest (and this is what the utmost respect for saying what I'm about to say) of actually reaching out to my biological aunt.
Haley Radke: Oh…
Doug Umberger: Who is incredibly successful and has a family. And this is not to bring too much to the surface, but once I received her married name and I had much more omnipresent information that sort of spanned the Internet, I did find her Facebook. And I saw her kids and I remember showing my mom. I was like, “Oh my goodness, her kids look identical to me and looked just like I did as a kid.”
So that was something that, again, was just spectacular (all the same), but also doubly more convoluted. And almost equally (if not more) hurtful, because I should be reaching out to my biological mother. She has been through so much; she doesn't have any kids. So, you know, needless to say, it's kind of a precarious circumstance.
But there's no way of telling that far down in the next chapter or leg of my personal and professional life, [whether I] will not reach out to my biological mother. I still might one day, but I just wanted to be really cautious and trod very carefully into the territory that was presented to me. I needed to be really strategic there.
So that was, you know, my grounded philosophy and I decided to confidently just stop it in its tracks and to move on with my life. And, you know, looking back in retrospect, I'm really proud of that decision. I don't think I give myself as much credit as I probably should.
Haley Radke: You just sound so wise about that. And I think this is a good spot to transition into talking about your thesis, because you talk about people searching and the impact social media has had on that—how, you know, it's changed the way we search and then subsequently connect.
We find people so fast, it's so immediate. And there is no room for this space to process or even (used to be) write letters back and forth, you know?
Doug Umberger: Mm-hmm.
Haley Radke: And you slowly build that relationship? So I think it's really putting a strain on reunions, this fast, fast, instant kind of connection. But I don't want to put words in your mouth. Why don't you tell us about your thesis and some of the things that you've discovered?
Doug Umberger: So truly, in the same breath, it's worth acknowledging that I saw, and found, and spoke to two sides to the same coin. Thankfully, there were individuals who used either, a DNA provider (through AncestryDNA or 23andMe), and there are 10 (plus) different providers like that. But those are the two perhaps most notable or credible in the industry. But there are people who found their biological parents (or a parent, for that matter). And decided, albeit beneficial, that they used and utilized technology to sort of expedite the search process, which they should deem successful and reap the benefits thereof.
There were a lot of individuals sort of on the borderline of being a Baby Boomer and I guess transitioning to the Millennial Era (that sort of odd purgatory, if you will, or in between that), they are in a situation where they know that their first move needs to be consistent over a finite period of time (but a time no less). There were so many different anecdotes of people saying, “Yes, I have a Facebook. I have a series of different social media platforms. I'm glued to my accounts, but I do not want to initiate communication in any form of digital fashion with my biological parents.” And I found that totally valid and fair.
Haley Radke: Oh, can you unpack that a little bit? What were their hesitancies for connecting on social media?
Doug Umberger: I guess too much of a good thing, you know? They didn't want it to spiral out of control or for things to move too fast. And I think that's just, and I think that was a sound approach.
And to the complete contrary, there were people who immediately took to social media. And, in turn, their search processes eventually turned to a reunion. And before you knew it, you know, (two circumstances within just a couple of weeks of receiving their non-identifying information and finding their biological parents in some way, shape or form), they were practically at a family reunion with them.
So I just saw this smorgasbord of different methods and strategies. Because my focus going into this thesis was, of course, what media was used in the search and in addition to what media (of course, how, when, where, why did they use that particular one)? So like all those intangibles. But you know, did it bolster or inhibit their search or their relationship after the fact? How much of the relationship was sort of contingent upon social media?
So I had all these different questions that I got to piggyback off of, but I did not expect for the themes to emerge as quickly as they did (not only dovetailing adoption law and state to state different resources). I ended up getting really in the weeds on that and I regret putting as much time as I did in that. But also just adoption psychology and the focus of this was digital media, but it was inevitable.
And I should have seen it coming where all these thematic elements of, you know, finding one's identity, and curiosity, and jealousy, and nature versus nurture and naivete. All of these intangibles were so quickly brought to the surface. So it was tough to sort of qualify it all and just to compartmentalize them. And that was the part where I realized that this is going to be an emotional rollercoaster.
And for, you know, nine months of my life, I was just—I woke up winded. And some of these conversations, they gave me life and my heart grew three sizes. And it was just a delight and a pleasure. And I'm still connected to some of my users and participants to this day. But also there were some that just kept me up. And the heartbreak, and the trauma, and what they had to undergo in order to get to this point in their life...
There was one person in particular; Cheyenne is her pseudonym in my paper. I think she alludes to something to the tune of like 10 hours a night for months on end, searching for her biological parents. She was, Haley, I kid you not, I think a member of—I think she said over 10 different DNA providers. So Ancestry, 23…I list them all in my thesis. But she was nothing, if not relentless. And she did this for decades. She spent to the tune of thousands of dollars back in the day to sort of vet the search process and to find this information. And nothing ever came to it. And in the process she actually cut ties and unfortunately, I guess, sort of conjured this distrust in her adoptive family (her adoptive mother and her father). I believe her brother was a part of that equation, as well. But in all of this effort that she put forth in finding her parents, she ended up almost completely eliminating communication and their relationship. So, you know, that was heartbreaking in and of itself.
All this, suffice it to say, she ends up finding her biological mother. And I think she put a restraining order on her within a moment's notice, or she contacted the FBI saying, “You know, if you ever contact me again, I'll have you sued.” (That's for lack of a much better term. I don't remember the exact language, but again, that was one of my first discussions that I had). And for it to be such an arduous, grueling…just to drag your feet through this search and for technology to be a silver lining, honestly, and a saving grace. And hopefully she finds some comfort. But, you know, that is one of about 15 different examples that I had to sort of undergo through this.
Haley Radke: Can you talk a little bit about just what differences you sort of observed, just talking in particular about digital relationships versus connecting with family members outside of social media? I don't know. Were people like phoning people? I don't know.
Doug Umberger: So, I have an interesting one. I have–-And I guess I would consider him like a faux friend, if you will. We are Facebook friends. I do have a pulse and sort of a beat on his life (and it will be interesting sort of at the tail end of this particular anecdote). But his name in the thesis is Scott and he's exactly my age. He lives in the heart of Manhattan. He was adopted from the Ukraine, which is sort of the foundation here.
But he, too, sort of on a whim—I think it was like an AncestryDNA sale... You know, those cookies in the sidebar and you see them all the time, I feel like the whole adoption circuit has this sort of plastered onto their digital screens in some fashion...
Haley Radke: Oh, they are targeting us hardcore. Yeah. Yeah. [they laugh]
Doug Umberger: That's another conversation for another day.
But in any event, he (this is sort of akin to my own experiences) he found through AncestryDNA, this very high match who he, I guess, qualified to be a cousin of some way? But in any event, he did not have any non-identifying information. He didn't really have anything, but he wanted to find his biological parents (as much as possible). So this was a very unique case. This was very much an anomaly, an outlier from the whole other portfolio that I sort of formed here in these adopted users.
But he decided, because international search processes were very costly (and certainly something that he didn't want to take out a loan for,necessarily), he decided to create a GoFundMe page. He and his cousin came up with that idea, or lack of cousin (whomever that individual was, through AncestryDNA). The two were like, “Huh, maybe GoFundMe. We'll throw it out there just for kicks. We'll see what happens.”
And he woke up, he said, a couple days later, and he had more than adequate and sufficient funds to, you know, get the search. He just posted something onto Facebook, and his friends and his family members were so quick to contribute and to give back and to be a voice and a champion of his search process (which he found very endearing, and understandably so).
So he hired, for lack of a better term—what is the term? He reached out to a search person who focused particularly within the realm of Ukraine. And within it just a sort of a moment's notice—I think it was maybe just a week or a couple weeks or so, he ended up having all of the identifying information for both of his mother and his father.
So again, in a very interesting turn of events, because they were still in Russia or Ukraine, they were still abroad, and certainly overseas. So he decided to create an account with–I know the shorthand is “OK,” and “VK” (those are two separate social media platforms over there that are sort of similar to our Facebook, for instance).
Haley Radke: Okay.
Doug Umberger: Yes. “OK,” exactly is one of them.
Haley Radke: Oh no, I'm just saying, Oh, that's interesting. “OK.” I've never heard of that.
Doug Umberger: I haven't either. But he used those accounts and Google Translate to reach out to his parents. Just on a quick (and rather funny) aside—I will never forget this, but I remember for both of his parents (because he reached out to his biological mother first and his father soon thereafter), both of which were no longer together. But he reached out to his mother with this, I think what he compares to be something along the lines of like a LinkedIn or like a professional cover letter.
He said he was so formal in his prose and everything was so eloquent and, you know, he stayed up for nights just to write this passage and he sent it along through this foreign social media site by way of Google Translate and the mother almost instantaneously just responded with like, “Oh. Hi, Scott! How have you been? I missed you.” (Or something like, so tough for him to understand and to conceptualize.)
He just thought it was so goofy to—he considered it like the typical goofy parent just for them to be like, “Oh, hey! How have you been?” Like, just by and large, the most fascinating response. And they continued to communicate through Google Translate and through these social media platforms, and they cultivated this amazing relationship over time.
And eventually he and his biological mother had formed such a strong digital bond that she decided to disclose the father's information, which he (Scott) had mentioned again (just very sort of jokingly). He was like, “Oh yeah, my mom just basically said, ‘Oh yeah, he's Facebook friends with me. Just look for this name and my friends, and you'll find him. That's your biological father.’” So again, just trying to come to terms with how strange the international barriers are for the adoption process and adoption communication and those parameters and sort of that ethical insight that we (domestically) have. And again, these situations, they're so different, but his were hysterical. He was just cracking me up. So eventually, over a couple months, they all started communicating with one another. And just recently, I think a couple months ago, I saw on his Facebook that he actually flew over there and he met with everyone over the course of like two weeks.
And he was just trying to understand how he would go about the communication process, because everything thus far has been through a translation service and provider. So he was like, “How am I gonna say, ‘Pass the salt’ in Ukrainian or Russian?” He was like, “I can, you know, brush up on Rosetta Stone…” But in the grand scheme of this conversation, he was like, “I just can only imagine how just terrifyingly funny it's going to be with just a basic communication platform.” So that is just one small example of a digital relationship that sort of spirals itself out of control.
Haley Radke: I'm just picturing—what do you do? Like, do you bring your phone along and type in what you want to say to them? And then you like… [they laugh]
Doug Umberger: I don't know what he did. I give him all the credit in the world, though. Like what insurmountable opportunity.
Haley Radke: Wow.
**Doug Umberger:**And he took full advantage of it. And thankfully, everybody was, you know—They had such a good rapport and everybody was on good terms, so there were no regrets, whatsoever (which is so inspiring, on so many different levels).
Haley Radke: That's incredible in just a digital, a true digital relationship. I mean, what would've happened had this been, you know, 30 years ago? That's it. Like he doesn't find them. Right? [they laugh]
Doug Umberger: Exactly. That is exactly the case. I had another, he had searched, I think for like 20 years for his biological parents, and then— This was one of those that was a little easier to understand, because he (or a little more serendipitous, allow me to say). His name, I think, was Wayne (in my thesis), but he submitted an AncestryDNA, received his biological parents or a biological brother. Somebody in his intermediate family immediately decided to initiate conversation and has had a flourishing and blossoming relationship ever since.
So that is, again, something in sharp contrast. Whereas 20 years ago, he did not succeed; he picked himself up, and certainly tried again.
Haley Radke: Hmm. What are your thoughts in the end after doing this research? And, you know, when I started asking you about it, I was like, “Well, you know, it's good for you to have made the decision to put the brakes on.” Because I thought…I mean, social media can make things go so fast and it can be so challenging then, to build a deep relationship really quickly. I understand the challenges it brought into my life.
Do you have some concluding thoughts on it? Advice for people if they're searching and they're using social media to reach out? Anything about that.
Doug Umberger: In addition to sort of casting your net far and wide, it is important to understand, I think, how the calculus and the strategy of where to start and how it could potentially end. And that timeline is contingent upon a few different things. So the way that I perceived this from the get go was: there are two sides to it. There is the digital technology side, Facebook media, Google searches, and the like. And then there's a route, perhaps a little more scientific. So AncestryDNA, 23andMe. Again, I thought those were going to be two sort of autonomous paths, and they inevitably sort of intersected very quickly (and early on).
And I've noticed that as a recurring theme and thread across my participants was, you know, the vast majority of them it seems dipped their toes and tested the waters of a lot of different resources that are available for anyone. And I think that is the power and the necessity of just basic anonymity when it comes to being who we are and where we are in 2018, in this global village and digital universe.
We are not using a platform that is specifically catered to adopted people. We are using the same one that your grandmother decided to create an account on the other day and now likes all of your photos (or whatever the circumstance). That was an ode, by the way, to Scott (the one from the Ukraine). Because both of his parents, as soon as they found out that their biological son reached out to them, they decided to go onto his Facebook and they liked every single photo that he had ever posted in the history of his account. Which, he just woke up and he was like, “I had like 817 notifications, because my biological parents from across the globe decided to go on and just like all of my stuff.” So in any event, I digress. That's just a quick aside.
But yeah, as we envision the future of digital technology (and I don't wanna fall down that rabbit hole of thoughts of where we are going), but just to take stock and inventory of what we have (and, you know, perhaps it can save you a little bit of money). And it can be the necessary mask and facade that some people need in order to comfortably move forward in their own identity, but also to create new relationships digitally (in person or otherwise).
You know, this research that I took a year out of my life (and at times was so trying and taxing on my psyche), it revolutionized the way that I treat social media, but also the way that I view social media. Because again, this is something at the expense of anybody. It's just so tough sometimes to put to terms and hopefully that is but a notion of where I came from.
Haley Radke: Hmm. Thank you. So my last question for you, before we go to recommended resources, is: Thinking back to the fact that your bio mom is a twin, and she herself is adopted, is there a chance that that connection on Ancestry truly is related to her? And that she's not searched, she's not connected with them?
Doug Umberger: To answer your question, yes. But I don't want to position myself to be the bearer of that news.
Haley Radke: Mm-hmm.
Doug Umberger: Something that I noticed, and this is somewhat similar and in the same line of thought, but one recurring and quite fascinating underpinning to my research, was the fact that there were so many adoptive mothers (in particular) who were the ones to sort of spearhead the search process for their children.
And once the search sort of came to fruition, and once the adoptee met up in person (or met, rather, digitally) with their biological parents, the adoptive mother felt very much threatened and regretful of making that decision. It has led, from what I could tell, I think about four (maybe three?) very dissonant relationships over the course of years. So I have learned to be cautious and very tactful in that approach.
And biographically and scientifically looking at it, certainly there's probably some sort of bloodline there? But I don't feel the need to be the one to push in the event that it doesn't pan out as anticipated or expected.
Haley Radke: Okay. That is so fascinating that you say so many adoptive mothers led some of those searches. That is really interesting to me. I have not heard that before. I've heard from a few people that, you know, their mothers maybe ask them, or whatever, if they want to search, but…
Doug Umberger: I think, yeah, I think they were sort of just a muse. In some cases, they had a voice in the situation or they sought their good counsel, perhaps? But, you know, my mom is a prime example of just a glowing resource and just a wealth of knowledge and insight and…
You know, I did find it very perplexing that those who I interviewed had those similar storylines, and that was a very unfortunate ending. But thankfully that's not a universal concept or approach nowadays. It's literally just a flip of a coin, so it can pan out in either way.
Haley Radke: Well, thank you so much for sharing that. That's so interesting. And I am really so much more curious about your research and I could talk about this a lot longer with you, but you know, we're running out of time.
But I really do want to recommend that people go and check out your thesis, because in addition to seeing all of the research, and you've got descriptions of your interviews, you've got brief vignettes of each person's story and experience (as you related a couple of theirs to us in this interview). Thank you.
And also, of course (just like any academic paper), you've got multiple sources. And some of the statistics that you bring forward (just in the very beginning), these two studies… Let me think here. One is in the 80s and then one is just a couple years old, about the percentages of adoptees that search.
All of those things are just so interesting to me. And even as we started, you were talking about how little academic research there is, and I mean, I think that still holds true today. But you have gathered some very valuable research in your paper, so thank you for that.
I really think people would find it very valuable to not only just read your thesis, but also to check out some of the sources that you've brought together here.
Doug Umberger: I really appreciate that. Thank you, Haley.
Haley Radke: Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
Doug Umberger: Yeah, I was gonna say, I certainly hope to continue as an advocate in the adoption circuit in some capacity. And whether that's just something as simple as presenting at a conference or just continuing these conversations in some form, I do not want this to just sort of meet its end. I want to continue just sharing in people's experiences and these 16 participants that I spent (meeting in person and by phone and via email) and spent, I think it was—
We were chatting about this earlier, (what was it like?) 20 to 24 hours of my life was spent just sitting and talking to people about their adoption stories and the tactics and methods that they use to sort of leverage success, or failure, or some weird merge of those two. And some 70 pages later, I mean, the statistics are steep. There's a lot there.
But I really enjoyed being qualitative in this and not getting too lost in the weeds on numbers. But more so, just hearing out and simply picking the brains of these stories and the people that matter most. So, I'm glad I got to put it on paper. I cannot be prouder of what is out there.
Haley Radke: Yeah. Well, I mean, you know what my job is, right? So, I totally get it. [they laugh]
Okay. So here's a question for you. How do you feel that doing this and connecting with these people has changed you?
Doug Umberger: I feel as if it validated some of my experience, or some of my decision making to stop my personal search process. I think that's the most simplistic answer in response to that question, other than the fact that I did find genuine interest in learning everybody's stories. And there are still some times where I'm just, you know, chatting with someone and out of nowhere one of their experiences or one of their stories is unearthed.
Then I sort of just think about it and it resonates for a little bit further, but it changed me in a lot of ways. And it's funny because I'm at times a wordsmith. I mean, I was a speech major in college and I teach as an adjunct for speech (part-time, after work). But through this process, I cannot emphasize enough how just speechless I was throughout every single conversation that I had, albeit digital, or over the phone, or otherwise.
I had never been to a point where I did not know the right words to say, and there were countless occasions where I was just mute. And that continued for hours, and in some cases, days on end. And that's something that I was never used to or exposed to in my life. So that changed me. I don't know for the better or worse, but it brought a very different and invaluable perspective to my life that I never would've received otherwise.
Haley Radke: Well, I'll confess to you now, you know, these shows are edited. I have been struck dumb on more than one occasion myself during interviews, but that doesn't play well on a podcast. So those get edited out, those big giant silences where my jaw is open. So… [they laugh]
Doug Umberger: Oh, goodness.
Haley Radke: So you're not alone. Okay. What do you want to recommend to us?
Doug Umberger: I am actually going to pay homage (or perhaps an ode, whatever you want to consider this) to one of my participants who recommended to me a book called Three Little Words by Ashley Rhodes-Courter. I, to be frank, only bought it recently, and I'm still in the process of reading it. But it, nevertheless, provides a pretty stark perspective of foster care.
And I have listened to your podcasts of, you know, individuals who have been through so many different types of foster care systems. But just to be in a situation where you are cognizant and you cognitively are able to sort of understand what you are going through, but to toggle between so many different locations and meeting different people. But all the same in the process, sort of finding your voice.
I'm a champion and advocate for speech. After I was adopted, actually I think I had a hernia or something like that. I was just a little toddler (it was right after my adoption), but I ended up having a little bit of a speech issue, so I had to go through speech therapy. So I am very much a proponent of finding your voice in any capacity.
And I think adoption is a very unique example to bring into speaking up, and making your voice heard, and just thus far what I'm reading in Three Little Words, which by the way are, “You are adopted.” Three Little Words, I think that have been very powerful, and moving, and endearing, and inspirational. So I look forward to how it is going to sort of pan out, but that is certainly my recommended resource.
Haley Radke: Great. Thank you so much. I am excited to check that out. I love memoirs, especially. And so that sounds really good. I will link to where you can get Doug's thesis online, so that will be in the show notes.
And Doug, where can we connect with you?
Doug Umberger: That's a loaded question, Haley. So for just receiving a master's in Digital Media, you would expect for me to be glued to the digital universe. But I have a Twitter. I have an Instagram. My Instagram is fun, @Doug Umberger, U-M-B-E-R-G-E-R. So I'm a hobbyist photographer, but that has absolutely nothing to do with adoption. My Twitter is the same handle, Doug Umberger.
Haley Radke: Well, wonderful. We will see you on social media, but not all the time.
Doug Umberger: I'll see you there. Drop a line from time to time.
Haley Radke: Yes. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and also your research. I just found it so fascinating. So, thank you.
Doug Umberger: It has been lovely, Haley. I really appreciate this opportunity. Thank you so much.
Haley Radke: I promised details on the upcoming San Francisco Podcast Meetup and a one more bonus recommended resource for Canadian adoptees. On Sunday, May 20th, I will be in San Francisco and my friend Anne Heffron will be offering a Write or Die class that I will be taking from her with some of you. So that's Sunday, May 20th in San Francisco.
And following the Write or Die class, we are going to have a Listener Meetup with myself, Anne Heffron, and also one of my favorite therapists that has been on the show multiple times, Pamela Cordano. So come and meet me, and Anne, and Pam hang out. I know there's already some of you traveling from out of state to get there, so that's pretty amazing. I'm very excited. I'm gonna have details for that on adopteeson.com/events. And it's also on our Facebook page, on the events tab.
Okay. For Canadian adoptees, and Australian adoptees, and anyone who's interested in the political advocacy area. As I'm recording this, it's March, 2018 and that's when the show will be released. This week in Canada, there have been Senate hearings on the Adoption Mandate for Unmarried Mothers in Post-War Canada. I learned about this from Valerie Andrews. She's the executive director of Origins Canada. I was able to watch a two hour Senate committee hearing on this topic. So that's what I want to recommend to you.
If you're like, Well, that sounds really boring. I know. I know. It does, but I want to encourage you to watch it anyway. It was not boring. In fact, it was so powerful and moving. So, Valerie Andrews and four other women all testified before this Senate committee. It's a standing Senate committee on Social Affairs, Science and Technology. They each got seven minutes to share their personal story as well as their professional and volunteer experience working with first mothers and adopted people. Talking about supporting them through a reunion and adoption issues in general.
I have to tell you, these women are so strong. Their speeches were so good, succinct, and clever, and exactly what we want to say about adoption in the public eye. They were thorough. Their wisdom showed through. Their years and years of experience; they were excellent. So if you want to learn how to craft your story in a way that is meaningful and powerful, all of these testimonies are things that you could learn from. Also, they were able to respond to questions from the senators.
To me, it seemed like they were really listening, they were really understanding. And I think that you'll learn a lot from watching it, as I did. And of course, I cried. I cried a lot, because some of the stories were so moving, and so sad, and some just made me very, very angry. The injustice, the absolute injustice for women who were forced to give away their babies. So, I'm going to set up a link to that in the show notes for you.
The other thing that was mentioned several times was what Australia has gone through similarly in hearings about adoption and ultimately resulted in an apology from the Australian government. So, that's what this is moving towards, an apology from the Canadian government. And they're also talking about interacting with several of the churches represented in Canada: Catholic Church, United Church, et cetera. And so there was a little bit of discussion about that, too. So I really recommend going and watching that, setting aside time to learn from these women.
There, that's my bonus recommended resource for you. I am so grateful that I'm able to do this podcast for you. And I just want to say a big thank you to each and every one of you who listens, those of you that share this show on social media and with your friends and with your support groups, that means so much to me. And also those of you who are donating financially towards the production costs, I appreciate that so much. If you want to partner with the show, you can go to adopteeson.com/partner to hear about the details.
Okay, one last thing. The show is going to be on a break for next weekend because it's Easter weekend, and we are going to be away with my husband's family. But we'll be back on April 6th with a special episode, a healing episode with Pamela Cordano, that you don't want to miss. Make sure you're subscribed in your favorite podcast app.
Thank you for listening. Let's talk again, soon.
