61 Paige - In the Workplace
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Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/61
Haley Radke: This show is listener supported. You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Season Four, episode 3: Paige. I'm your host, Haley Radke. Paige Strickland shares with us today about the complexity of building relationships in the workplace as an adopted person many years into her career.
Paige has a unique vantage point to give us an overview of what it was like 30 years ago, if you even broached the subject of adoption reunion with a colleague all the way to present day and what it's like for her now. We talk jobs, the difficulty some of us have building friendships, and the extra layer of feeling inadequate that some of us contend with daily.
We wrap up with some recommended resources, including a chance for you to connect with Paige in person coming up, and as always, links to all of the things we'll be talking about today are on the website, adopteeson.com. Let's listen in.
I am so pleased to welcome to Adoptees On, Paige Strickland. Welcome, Paige.
Paige Adams Strickland: Thank you.
Haley Radke: I think we met in person, is that right?
Paige Adams Strickland: I think we did a year ago at the… You were at the Indiana…?
Haley Radke: Indiana Adoptee Network
Paige Adams Strickland: Indiana Adoptee Network Conference a year ago. The one in Bloomington?
Haley Radke: Yes. Okay. I thought we met there. Yes. So good.
Well, I'm so pleased to talk with you today, and I'm gonna ask you a question I've never asked anyone that I've had on the show before (so I'm kind of excited).
But let's start out with, why don't you share some of your story with us?
Paige Adams Strickland: I was adopted in Ohio in the United States in ‘61. I was placed in 1962. I was 13 months old when I was placed. I'm assuming the adoption went through within six months of that. I grew up in the same town, lived in the same town my entire life (except for a three year stint in Florida. Then I came back). In ‘87, I started my search, because I realized I could (because I was born before that cutoff date in Ohio).
Haley Radke: Oh, say more about that. What's the cutoff date in Ohio?
Paige Adams Strickland: Well, there isn't one anymore. Yay! Because in 2015, they changed the law back. But prior to that it was, you had to be born and adopted in the state of Ohio before January 1st, ‘64. And since I was ‘61/’62, I was in the open records era. Now, my parents that adopted me never realized that.
I think at the time, the only thing that went through their mind was getting a baby, you know. And they didn't think about laws; they didn't keep up with anything. They saw what they wanted to see. They heard what they wanted to hear, and they got what they wanted. And it was a “closed” adoption, so they just went on with life after that.
But the law said, “Yes, but…” You know, and so I found out from watching a TV talk show back in the eighties, “Oh yeah. I could find my birth family if I wrote to Columbus and sent them this, the registered check or whatever (for 20 bucks or whatever it was),” and found my birth family. So they sent me a birth certificate and with all the information my name change document, my decree of adoption, you know, everything matched up and it was all, you know, correct information that I got from the state.
And so then I started searching, and I found everybody. And so that was pre-internet, of course (because it was the late eighties). You know, it's been good. It's been successful. Not everybody gets as lucky as I got, but I got lucky. So that's the really fast version of history. [they laugh]
And my sisters (my birth mother's other daughters), my sisters there, we're planning a 30 year reunion/get together something or other this summer. Because in July, it'll be our 30 year anniversary.
Haley Radke: Wow.
Paige Adams Strickland: Yeah. So I don't know what we're gonna do yet. You know, there's talk of going to Disneyland. There's talk of maybe just hanging out at somebody's house for a week and just hanging out. I don't know how it'll work out. I said (I told my one sister), “The most important thing is just us being together. I don't care where it is, how we do it.”
Haley Radke: That's amazing.
Okay, well here's the question that I never ask anyone and–
Paige Adams Strickland: Alright. Bring it on. Bring it on.
Haley Radke: And I do it on purpose, because people come on to talk about their adoption story and their experiences with adoption. So I never ask: So, what do you do for work?
Paige Adams Strickland: Yeah. Technically, I am licensed as a Spanish teacher (7-12), in Ohio. So you know, if you go legally by that, that's my answer. Right now, I'm working as a special needs aide for high school kids. I've got junior high through high school kids in a special ed classroom. They're semi-contained, meaning we don't contain anybody and shut the door anymore, you know. They are integrated in other classrooms as well. So sometimes we're aides in other classrooms with other teachers, with our students, supporting them as needed.
We collaborate with our main teacher in our classroom and we can collaborate with the other teachers of the main subject areas. And we all work together, and it's great. And I love what I do. Every day is different. And even though I'm an aide and not a “teacher teacher,” it's the best of all worlds. I just love it.
Haley Radke: Hmm. So you trained to be a teacher?
Paige Adams Strickland: Mm-hmm.
Haley Radke: And you sent me sort of, it was almost like your resume. So I saw some of your past jobs. Because what we're talking about today is relationships with our coworkers, and just living in the workforce as an adoptee. And how that is different than someone who's not adopted.
Paige Adams Strickland: Yeah. Sending you a resume was kind of like, “Well, here's my work history and here's what happened to me.” And you know, I'm sure there are non-adopted people that can also relate to some things that go on, but you know, I know how it worked for me. That's all I can say there. And still works for me. It's not like I'm retired! [they laugh] I'll be working till I'm 80 or 90, I'm sure.
Haley Radke: Well, when you love what you do, right?
Paige Adams Strickland: Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It's really great in that way, in that I am happy with all the work I do. I started out (aside from weekend jobs and babysitting and all the other little small job things that people do), my first real “professional” job after college, I got a job teaching Spanish. And I was very fortunate, really, to be able to get a job in my city.
And I have to give my husband some credit here–we were honeys at the time and he was new on the computer (at the time). And he helped me crank out a bunch of application letters and thank you letters to interviewers and things like that. I basically sent out 50 applications all over town, got a few callbacks for some interviews, got hired with a job offer at one place. I mean, that's how tight the job market really has been.
It was in a private Catholic school. And I've actually worked in two private Catholic schools, because the first one I was at, I was laid off after four years (because they had declining enrollment and some money issues). I got reabsorbed into the system in another Catholic high school in the same city here (we're in Cincinnati). Pretty much, I've got 20 years in the archdiocese. That's what I've done as a main job to start with, until this aide job with special needs kids came around.
Yeah, I was a Spanish teacher. It was a great job. But I never fully felt like I fit in. And part of that might've been because I'm not a Catholic. I remember my first boss said, “Oh, well we hire people from all walks of life.” It was kinda like, Oh, I'm the token non-Catholic from all walks of life that you're hiring. Okay, well I'll take it. You know? I'll deal with it. It's a job. I don't care about anything else. It's a job, you know, it's a nice school, nice people, nice place. You know? And that's the job that only lasted four years because the enrollment declined.
And then I got hired somewhere else, fortunately, because somebody knew somebody who knew somebody. And that's how I kind of got hired there. But again, I went through–it was almost harder there. I don't know why, but it was even harder there to feel accepted and feel like I was one of them. And I was just as qualified and just as good as any of them.
I'm sure the adoptee part of that played into it. Some of it was, again, I'm not of that faith, so there was always sort of a dividing line between “me” and “them.” And some of it was, I just questioned myself. I think adopted people in the general sense have a lower self-esteem and they question themselves. They question what they do, they question how well they do it. They worry all the time that, Something's gonna go wrong, somebody's gonna reject me. And so I kind of had that weight on me all the time when I went to work.
I loved the kids, I loved what I was teaching. Most of the people I worked with, I loved them. But there were a few, you know, but then that's true in every workplace. There's always a few turkeys everywhere you go. It doesn't matter who you are. It's just how it is.
Haley Radke: So what's it like, just being in the staff room and chatting with your peers or in a staff meeting? What are sort of the day-to-day interactions when you're a teacher with your colleagues?
Paige Adams Strickland: I learned real early on, “Keep your mouth shut and listen.” There are a lot of people (and I don't have a master's degree, so I always felt, too, that maybe I was lesser because I don't have that master's degree). So maybe what I had to say didn't hold as much weight as somebody with a higher degree.
And I don't know if that's true or not. I do not work in a setting like that now, but at the time where I felt like, I'm not worthy enough. Yet here I am because I am the token Protestant. [they laugh] I just kept my mouth shut a lot, let other people talk (whether it was good stuff, negative stuff). There was a lot of negative stuff, a lot of complaining about kids, a lot of judgment about people, and I just—I'm not into that. I'm just not into that. I'm not into confrontation, I'm not into the negativity, especially when it comes to kids learning.
It was hard for me in school. I certainly wasn't gonna be “that woman” for anybody else. The thing I learned– When I was a kid in school (and I wanted to be a teacher my whole life), to not be “that person,” “that teacher,” or that one that makes a kid cry. You know, I never wanted to have a kid in my classroom that went home and cried to the parents or somebody because they had the meanest Spanish teacher in the whole world, or something. You know? I just, I didn't want that. I don't care how easy or nice I have to be. I am not gonna be that person to somebody.
Haley Radke: Yeah. You said it's like, “you gotta keep your mouth shut” kind of thing. Were there any events or circumstances where you felt like you needed to speak up about something?
Paige Adams Strickland: Oh, definitely. Yeah. As an adopted person going through my search and reunion… Okay. I knew where the church stood on that kind of activity (which pretty much wasn't in line with what I was doing), which was— Even though I didn't even have a Catholic Social Services adoption. My parents that raised me went through Hamilton County Social Services or Welfare Department. It was totally public. It had nothing to do with the church, but knowing that I was still doing something that their church would never have really approved of or liked (because I was beating a system in a way), I had to keep my mouth shut about that.
And that was kind of awkward. I had a couple of coworkers that I could trust, but I still really felt limited in what I could share. So, and because I didn't wanna… I was a rebel. I was a questioner, I was a rebel. I was, you know, not like the rest of them in that kind of way. And I remember, there was one year we had a pregnant student in the building. And again, back in the eighties this was still like, “Ooh….,” you know? And in the eighties in a private girls school (not like public schools today, where you have like 12 of them, you know)... Back then, when it was still very conservative and very like, “We don't talk about these things” kind of setting and her locker was really close to my room.
But I didn't know her. I didn't teach her. I had no dealings with her at all. I only knew who she was because she was the pregnant kid. And you know, out of like 450 kids, she kind of stood out, and so I knew which kid she was, even though I didn't really have any kind of a relationship with her. So I never knew if I could say anything to her. And I knew she was giving her baby up for adoption. I didn't know what resource she was going through, whether it was Catholic Social Services, or whether it was through county welfare. I just couldn't ask too many questions, because I just didn't know this kid and I didn't wanna impose my opinions or beliefs on her. But, you know, I think about her a lot still. I wonder what happened to her.
Haley Radke: Paige, can you tell me, did you ever have any conversations with colleagues about your reunion or just being adopted? Did that ever come up?
Paige Adams Strickland: I have now. At the time, when I was going through it, there was one colleague I could discuss it with. I still kept it to a minimum, but I could discuss it a little bit. And you know, she was pretty accepting about it, but even she was like, “Well. Just lay low. It's really cool what you're doing, but we gotta lay low.” And so that was how we dealt with it.
But now, I work in a workplace where I don't– It came up Friday. I was talking with somebody I work with and I was saying, “What are you doing this weekend? Well, I'm having dinner with my sister tonight. And my other sisters, we're planning this 30 year reunion and, you know, we might end up in Disneyland. I don't know. We have to plan it and we've gotta figure out where we wanna be and how much we wanna spend and all that kind of stuff.” She was like, “Oh, that is so cool.”
So, yeah, now I can talk about it very freely. And another really nice thing— At the start of the school year (last tail end of August), we had a little seminar day before actual back to school day. This little session we had, we had some students volunteer to come in and it was a “What is it like for a day through the eyes of a teenager at this school”? And we had a panel of like six kids come in (very diverse panel). They pretty much had a sampling of every type of kid you think of that would be in a high school. It's like putting the cast of Glee together, you know? If you will?
They all asked us, too (at the start of the little workshop thing), everybody sitting in the room, “Whether you were a student or whether you were an adult in the room, share one “special” thing about yourself that other people probably don't know.” And so I shared that, “I'm an adopted person and I found my birth family, and I'm in reunion, and it's awesome.” And the kids on the panel were like, “Whoa, that's so awesome. That's so cool. What's it like?” You know, I mean, the response was wonderful. You know, that's what everybody should be saying: “What's it like?” Not like, “Oh, well, what's wrong with the family you have?” You know, I mean, the kids— This is the thing, the kids get it. The kids understand.
Haley Radke: Mm-hmm. Well, and as you say, over time, you know, reunion has become more normalized. So you were saying, talking to your peers now, it's sort of (I don't know), “normal.” It's just sort of part of life.
Paige Adams Strickland: Right, yeah. Thirty years now. Yeah. I've watched the sort of—what do you wanna call that—transformation maybe is the word? Of,“Oh, we don't talk about those things. We might be breaking rules if we talk about those things. Somebody might not approve if we talk about those things.” All the way to, “Cool. Tell me more. Tell me all about it.” It's kind of nice. I'm seeing that change.
Haley Radke: Have you ever had to navigate a really awkward conversation about your views on adoption that may be different than some of your colleagues? For example?
Paige Adams Strickland: You know, I haven't had anything much with the people I work with, and mainly because years ago I just kept my mouth shut.
Haley Radke: Right?
Paige Adams Strickland: I know when I got “zip my lip" here and just like “fake it till I make it.” And if I wanna keep my job, if I want people to get along with me, and I want to get along with them, and I don't want people to see me in some sort of a different awkward way, keep my mouth shut and blend in.
I had a job (this was again, back in the eighties), it was a retail job. Of course, no teacher makes enough money, right? So we all moonlight and do extra jobs. And I had a mall job (right in the eighties that was the thing). Everybody had mall jobs, because if you had a mall job, then you got a mall discount.
Oh, I worked in a little clothing shop. They sold cutesy, little preppy men's and ladies clothes and it was great, because it was stuff I could wear to work. It was stuff I could wear out socially. So, I mean, I loved the clothes in the store. You know, when I was a kid, I'd see the store and I could never afford anything in there.
And then I got a job in that store. It was like, “Oh, I get a discount! Yes!” So, and I was there three years and I loved that job. I was with coworkers where we all felt like family, you know? And it's like they can pay you crap, but if you are working with people you love, you'll do it because it's just such a nice environment.
Right. And I came to find out over time as I was working there, it was a little mom and pop family owned business. My manager was a good buddy of the owner, so that's how he got placed in the management position in the store I was at. I found out he was an adoptive father. He and his wife (obviously, then was an adoptive mother), and their kids, when it was summer vacation or spring break, would work in the store with us. Sometimes the rest of the time they were in school. But again, it was like, I better keep my mouth shut here, because he's an adoptive parent. The mom, she's an adoptive mom. You know, the kids are still teenagers working here. I don't know if I should share anything. They might not want me “corrupting” their kids or putting ideas in their kids' heads.
I couldn't share that part of myself because I didn't know how it would be received here. I was in Ohio with an open record going, I'm gonna find my birth family because I got an open record. You know? So I didn't want the kids to feel bad because I could do something they couldn't do. I didn't want the parents to feel bad, because I was doing something kind of rebellious, and maybe they didn't want me putting ideas in their kids' heads.
Again, that was the eighties. It's not now. If I were to take a job at a mall now, I don't think it would matter. You know? Yeah. It's different now. It's so different. So it's so much better. And you know, some of that's because of what we see on TV and what we see in the news. People are better about acceptance, tolerance, and diversity. You know, it's a good thing.
I have a student now who's a mentally challenged person, but she's lovely. She really is, but she is a part of a kinship adoption, so a much older second cousin adopted her (so her adoptive mother is actually a second cousin). Her birth mother kind of plays the role of a cousin, although it's really her birth mother. She does have contact with them because it's all the same family, at least on the one side of the family. I don't know about the birth father. I don't know anything there, but the birth mother (because she's actually a cousin), you know, they're all in touch. The birth mother also had some mental challenges and psychological challenges, which is why she couldn't take care of the daughter.
And so this goes with that modern thinking of, you know, if an adoption has to happen, can you go the kinship route and keep the child, at least in the family? With the blood relatives, give them an authentic history, be able to be honest and open about who's who and what's really going on? And you know, with this kid a couple of years ago, she had to turn in that project with the family tree, which many adopted people are like [barf,] right? I don't…
Haley Radke: The dreaded like
Paige Adams Strickland: triggering
Haley Radke: project. Yes.
Paige Adams Strickland: Yeah. And I wasn't working with her at the time that this happened. Another instructor was with her. But I heard about it and I just kind of kept my mouth shut. And Let's see how this turns out. This is gonna be interesting. You know, I have other students that I need to tend to. Let's see… But I’m just watching. Let's wait and see. Well, this girl, she rocked the world. She turned in the biggest, fattest, blown up family tree you could ever imagine that any typical, any kid could have turned in. It was gorgeous. It had everything on there. It had more than the teacher ever dreamed would have turned up on any kid's project. She really kind of blew it out of the water. You know, like in the way that she could redefine, “What is family?” and, “Who's related to whom?” And what that looks like. And it's not the same for everybody.
Haley Radke: I love that.
Paige Adams Strickland: It was a special needs kid of all kids that could do something like that and get up there, kind of like with pride, you know, waving her fist in the air, saying, “This is me, this is where I fit into it. Any questions?” And yeah, she had the best project of anybody. Out of probably 75 kids that turned in a project that day.
Haley Radke: Yeah. What a testament to her kinship adoption and her situation.
Paige Adams Strickland: Yeah. And it was just so unique and so eye-opening for other people. I'm looking at it going, Hmm, I know all about that stuff. Hmm. But you know, other students and other teachers looked at that and they were like, “Wow.”
Yeah, and I'm over on the side going, “Yes, yes, yes, yes!”
Haley Radke: I love that story. So good.
Paige Adams Strickland: Yeah.
Haley Radke: Okay, so Paige, what would you say just about this conversation in general, like is there a place for us to be talking about adoption in the workplace? I mean, you just gave a really great example of how you've got this connection with this student and you were talking about interacting with those kids on the panel previously.
Paige Adams Strickland: Mm-hmm.
Haley Radke: And having those kind of discussions. How about with peers? And I'm just kind of talking in a broad sense (not necessarily in your situation), but broadly, you know, we can feel that reunion and maybe our adoptee issues are so intensely personal. We only kind of share them with a few of our inner circle.
So can you speak to that a little bit?
Paige Adams Strickland: Again, now I share with everybody. I don't hold it back. I mean, that's part of who I am. It's part of how I live my life. This is part of my family. It's part of my circle of people. For example, when my birth father passed away and I needed to take a bereavement day, no big deal. He was my birth father, you know? He wasn't my “father father,” but he was my birth father. I got to take my bereavement day. Same as if he were anybody else. It's different now. One point I might have been afraid to speak up about that, but I work in a setting where it's not a problem anymore.
But yeah, and I work with people now. I'm very fortunate, you know, they're all…they wanna hear about it, you know, they're excited, and they're curious, and they ask questions, and they don't think of me as some sort of goofy rebel that's breaking a bunch of rules or doing things we shouldn't talk about. So it's really nice. I have freedom now.
Haley Radke: That is so good. I guess my other question for you is: Do you feel like being adopted has impacted your work in any way, maybe even your decision for a career that you've gravitated towards? Do you feel that it's impacted how you work, how you live as an employee?
Paige Adams Strickland: Well, I know I was raised with a good work ethic. So, I mean, I had to work for stuff if I wanted it, you know, if it was a new bike, I had to work for it. If it was a privilege, I had to do something to earn that privilege (that kind of thing). You know, after having done all my search and finding my family, it's wired into me as well, to be a worker, to work hard for the things you want, and do a good job.
Don't stop. Mediocrity, because everybody that I work with in my family, or everybody in my family that I know, we're all kind of the same about our jobs. And you know, that's an important thing. I mean, that's our livelihood. It's part of how we define ourselves.
I will say this, it's real interesting. I started out as an educator and now I'm working as an education aide with special needs people. I have one sister who is an education aide, but she went the tech route and she's in the library, but she's still an aide like me. And then I have two sisters that work with mentally challenged adults, so they get the people that I have in high school a few years later, when they're adults. My one sister that lives here in town, we've actually had some of the same people. It's just, I get them first and then she gets them next.
Haley Radke: So are you saying careers are genetic? Whoa.
Paige Adams Strickland: I think there could be, in some ways, a link if you're drawn to some similar things and it's just temperaments It's, yeah…We have similar callings in that way.
Haley Radke: Wow.
Paige Adams Strickland: Similar, the way we just look at people, and things, and what's important. And three of my sisters, that we've all kind of gone in very similar paths as far as who we work with, and the way we work, and what we like, you know? And what we get out of our workday. I think that's kind of cool.
Haley Radke: Yeah. That's so cool.
Paige Adams Strickland: Yeah, I think it definitely has made me more understanding of kids that have unique needs, if not always special needs (like the way we think of special needs with learning challenges, or problems, or something). But just kids that aren't—they don't fit the typical mold, you know? Because I never saw myself as a kid that fit the typical mold, because I knew I had a different start from 99.99% of the kids I ever went to school with. I was kind of drawn to, “That's the kind of people I wanna work with,” you know? And even going into Spanish education, Okay!” (I'm gonna go in and study something that people might see differently now. But at the time, Well, this is a unique thing. This is kind of an exotic thing. There aren't that many people in my area that speak Spanish.
Now, of course, now you'd laugh at that because there are a lot of Spanish speakers and yeah, I was just drawn to things in people that were like not the norm. So in that sense, I'm thinking, Yeah, maybe adoption could have had something to do with that. You know, if I wasn't an adopted kid, what would I have done? I don't know. Maybe I would've, you know—My dad was in sales with the phone company. Maybe I would've been more of a sales and marketing kind of person. I don't know.
Haley Radke: Is there anything else you want to say to us on this topic about just navigating relationships with colleagues, navigating life just in the workforce?
Paige Adams Strickland: As an adopted person, I know for a long time (I don't think this way now)--- But for a long time, especially when I was first out of school and not that experienced yet with work and stuff, I kind of saw myself as the help and not as an equal with other workers and I think that goes with that low self-esteem thing that a lot of adopted people go through.
I'm not saying every adopted person goes through that, but a lot of them do. They question things about themselves and their existence and their worthiness (and I know I did). That may have held me back a little bit and messed with my confidence level, my self-esteem level. It was–(I don't feel that way now), but I felt that way then and now.
I'm glad to be where I'm at doing what I do. And I think a lot of adoptive people, too, they have a hard time making friends and thinking that the friendships they do have are secure, that people won't just up and leave them or move on (and that kind of thing). And it was hard to make work friends when I was starting out.
I think some of it, too, was I was in a very intense environment (and it had nothing to do with me), but I was too inexperienced at the time to know that. And when that bell rang and kids left and you got to leave, like, I don't know, seven minutes after the buses left (or whatever your contract said), people just left. It was not social. People were kind and nice, and you sat with them at lunch or you passed them in the hall and people would say, “Hi.” But man, when it was time to go, you were done. You know? And there weren't a lot of friendships outside of work.
You know, what do you do when you're young and you're trying to make friends and you're done with college and you're not living with your college friends anymore? How do you make friends? You know, you try to find some maybe at work, and I wasn't finding that for a long time. And I thought that was me. Maybe something's wrong with me, you know? And I think adopted people are very prone to that thinking. But I think also now looking back, I go, Oh, it was the environment I was in, too, where people were fried and they just wanted to go home and go on to the next thing until they had to come back the next day and put their work game face back on. I didn't understand that at the time, so it was like a rejection feeling even though it maybe wasn't. I think we're prone to thinking we're being rejected when we aren't, but it sure feels like it. You know, if you apply for jobs somewhere and you're lucky to get an interview after like 50 applications. And you get two or three interviews and you're like, Well, what's so wrong with me? You know, the odds are with 50 or 100 applications and all I get is three interviews.
You kidding me? Well, you know, the economy's bad, too. I mean it, times are what they are and then you get the interviews you get and then you hope you get the one job offer out of all that, you know? So it's very hard, I think, when you're, you know, applying and trying to go through that process and (literally) being accepted by other people. Again, authority figure people, all over again, and this time it's not like I'm hoping they'll pick me as a worker, is what you're going through, instead of as a kid. I think that's a hard thing for adopted people to be able to separate business from social. Business from just non-business.
Haley Radke: Well, and your personal worth as a human.
Paige Adams Strickland: Right. Right. It's already been messed with a little bit. And then you add this element on top, which all people go through, (unless you're maybe self-employed). But still sometimes self-employed people have to go out there and find clients, and still you have to deal with, “Does this client want me or do I have to go find some other client?” I think that just adds an extra level of complication, you know, for workers, for adopted people who are in the workforce, trying to make connections, meet people, network, be accepted, be hired somewhere because of your worthiness. Because it's a job, and money, and your life, and your independence, and your bills, and your everything.
Other than being adopted, is the other thing you define yourself as all hinges on whether somebody there in a suit, in an office is gonna accept you. So that's hard, I think. So, it's hard, anyway. I'm not saying it's not hard for other people, because it is. You know, I've seen what my own kids have gone through going to get jobs and things, but you know, when you're adopted, you add that layer to it of, Here I have to go through this again, of somebody thinking they want me. How can I convince them, am I good enough?
Yeah, and you know, my best advice would be: You do the best you can. You go to work every day, you do all the things you're supposed to do, and you just keep plugging along and have that determination. And reward yourself (if you get a chance, you know, buy something for yourself. Go out, do something for yourself on Friday or something, you know, to get yourself through that). To affirm to yourself sometimes that you don't get that affirmation from the employer or from the coworkers, and you know it has to come from within, that intrinsic thing. Reward yourself and take care of yourself, if you can't get it from the workplace. Even though you still have to go to work, just keep at it.
I work (again), multiple jobs, too, because I tutor, I teach fitness, I do other little things on the side like that. And so I know if one job, for some reason— And that's the other thing, we deal with the loss thing. If we lose a job, I think it hits us like a bus. You know, not just because of the money, but because it's a loss. It's a void in our lives and it's like, Here we go again. Crap. You know? And, and I can think of worse things to say, but we're gonna be on the air. Right? [they laugh] So, but yeah, fill in the blank with your own favorite word.
Haley Radke: Right. Well, thank you. I appreciate those thoughts.
Paige Adams Strickland: Sure.
Haley Radke: There's so many of us that are in the workforce and are just, that's sort of your life, and then adding on as an adopted person, the layer of complexity to that. That was really interesting. I really appreciated that perspective. Thank you.
Okay, so we mentioned right at the beginning that you and I met in Indiana, and so for recommended resources, let's move into that segment. You are actually presenting at the Indiana Adoptee Network Conference, which is coming up in April. So, it's April 20th and 21st, 2018.
Yeah, can you tell us a little bit about your session? And you're doing it with Lynn?
Paige Adams Strickland: I think I'm doing it with Lynn Grubb. So, I don't know if you've interviewed her before, possibly? Maybe?
Haley Radke: I haven't, but I talked to her extensively in Indiana last year.
Paige Adams Strickland: Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, she and I are presenting and— it's funny the way I met her. I'd written a book. I googled and found Lost Daughters online, and I was looking for sources of people where I could promote my first book to. And somebody there at Lost Daughters said, “Well, talk to Lynn Grubb. She lives not in the same state as you. I'm gonna have her review your book.” Turns out Lynn lives maybe 55 miles away from me. It was like, Wow. It's like almost like we grew up in the same region together and everything and never knew one another. And then she got a copy of my book to review and that's how we met. And it was great.
Haley Radke: Hey, it's Haley butting in from the future. I know the recording gets a little sketchy right now, so I just wanna come in and make sure you have the exact details and dates here before Paige tells us about her specific session.
Again, it's Indiana Adoptee Network Conference. It's called Racing to Records, The Final Lap. It's going to be in Indianapolis, Indiana. That was hard to record. Just so you know, that's not my first time trying to say that. It's a Friday and Saturday, April 20th and 21st, 2018.
And in addition to Paige and Lynn's session, you can hear from past guests of Adoptees On, like Becky Drinnen, Shannon Peck, Ridghaus, and Anne Heffron. We'll all be presenting different workshops and a myriad of other guests. So go on over to their website, indianaadopteenetwork.org to check out all the details for registration, who's coming, who's gonna be there, where you need to book your hotel, all of that.
Okay. I wanna let Paige explain what her session is going to be with Lynn. And it's called, “I Have my OBC, Now What?”
Paige Adams Strickland: And, Lynn Grubb and I will be co-presenting on “You have your OBC, now what?” (your original birth certificate). We're going to talk about all the things that potentially could happen in the thought processes as an adoptee, you might go through. What to maybe think ahead about and anticipate before you contact people, what to say to people when you are contacting them, try to troubleshoot before you open a can of worms... You know? Because they could be good worms, they could be not good worms, but think it all through, is pretty much it.
Haley Radke: Yeah. Very good. And you have a lifetime of experience with reunions, so…
Paige Adams Strickland: Right. Yeah.
Haley Radke: You are an expert in that. Lynn as well.
Paige Adams Strickland: We both have gone through it and, yeah. Of course, we both went through it really before there was a lot of technology. And you had to find people the old school way, through phone calls, and public records, and courthouses, and things like that. And I mean, now what happens when you find somebody in 10 minutes because you found them on—you googled their name and found them on Facebook, you know, and…
Haley Radke: Like I did with my dad, yes.
Paige Adams Strickland: I couldn't imagine. I mean, yeah, if I hadn't found my sisters when I did, eventually we obviously would've found each other on Facebook by a certain point. Some people are open to that. My sisters knew I was out there. My sisters on my birth mother's side, they knew I was out there, so they were totally game for it.
So it would've been a, “Oh my God, there you are, oh my God, there you are… Oh pictures. Oh!,” you know. But then there are other people that would be. “Wait a minute. What? What my mom did, what my dad did what? Real what? You know, my grandparents never said a what?” It's a really fast shock, I would imagine, for people that find other people that fast or get found that fast.
Haley Radke: Yeah. A lot to navigate. That's, yeah... Very complicated.
Also, you have written a couple of memoirs, isn't that right? Can you tell us about…?
Paige Adams Strickland: I have, yes.
Haley Radke: Tell us about your books.
Paige Adams Strickland: The first one I wrote was called Akin to the Truth. My husband thought up the name, so I've gotta give him credit for that. So, Akin to the Truth.
Haley Radke: Yes.
Paige Adams Strickland: Yes. And we're punny people. We like little word play, things like that if we can get away with it. And it was about growing up as an adopted person and what that felt like as a kid and a teenager. And you know, of course there's sometimes when you don't think about it, and times when you think about it all the time. And you know, it was how I dealt with it. And then going through the search process and getting my birth certificate and what that was like, and finding my original family.
The second book is a sequel to that. It's called After the Truth, because it's after I found people, and after I knew a lot of what the truth was about what happened to me, and what happened to my family, what it's like to be in reunion (but as a parent, as a spouse, as a friend, as a worker, you know what that was like). You know, I'd go to my job, but then I'd had this “secret life" thing going on. What it was like, just…yeah.
As a mom with my kids, with my birth father–He was in my life. Then he exited my life and then he re-entered my life. And my kids as tween-aged kids got to experience that “re-reunion” with me. And so they met cousins for the very first time. And so it was really cool for them, too. And I raised them telling them everything that was going on from the get go (as much as I could, you know), so that they'd be prepared. Because I was hoping for the day when he'd come back around.
Haley Radke: The less surprises, right?
Paige Adams Strickland: Right. Yeah. Because who's gonna pick up the phone when you get that phone call?
Haley Radke: Yeah.
Paige Adams Strickland: You know, and watch it be a 10-year-old, you know, and not you. So I wanted my kids to be prepared for what might happen someday and what to do if you got a phone call like that. Or you have these “mystery people” out there somewhere. [They laugh.]
Haley Radke: Oh my goodness.
So, okay, well, so how can we find them?
Paige Adams Strickland: They're on Amazon.
Haley Radke: Okay.
Paige Adams Strickland: So yeah, that's the easiest answer is just to say on Amazon. Okay. Yeah, I keep books in the back of my car, but unless you know me in person, it's really hard to hook up with me and just buy a book out of the back of my car.
Haley Radke: Oh my gosh, that’s amazing.
Paige Adams Strickland: They’re on Amazon, on Kindle and print. You can get 'em that way, so…
Haley Radke: Okay, cool. Yeah. Well, I'll link to them in the show notes as well.
Paige Adams Strickland: Yeah. Okay. And I will probably have some at the conference too, so…
Haley Radke: So you can get an autographed copy.
Paige Adams Strickland: Perfect. I'll sign them there.
Haley Radke: Yes, yes, yes. Okay.
Paige, what did you want to recommend to us today?
Paige Adams Strickland: Yeah, I recommend watching This is Us if you want to see a realistic portrayal of what an adopted person is like, and what they go through (especially in adulthood). They do show, because the show is done in flashbacks. Sometimes you see what the adopted person may have gone through in their childhood. But the adulthood portrayal is really spot on. I can tell you that. I know there's some people that still don't like it, because they don't think it's real enough. I mean, it is what it is. It's TV, but it's so well done and it's so– I love that show. I really do. And I love everything about it, not just the adoption story.
I think it's just so well done in general, you know, there are many aspects to it that–the whole thing, the whole family dynamic story of the entire thing. But I think the adoption in that story has been portrayed as realistically as it gets for a TV show.
Haley Radke: Mm-hmm. And can you just tell us the thing you emailed me about Randall in the workplace?
Paige Adams Strickland: He's kind of like a perfectionist guy, right? Wanting everything to go really well and not have–He’s a character. Again, it's not a real person, but he's a character wanting acceptance so bad and wanting approval so bad, and he's a super achiever in that kind of a way. I think that fits really well with (a lot of times) the adoptee personality, even if you're not in a job where you're making super mega bucks. But whatever it is you do, you want to be accepted and you want things to go well, and if things go wrong, you feel like it's because of you for some reason. And the character Randall plays–that's it. I mean, he has got it nailed.
Haley Radke: I am not caught up. I watched almost all of Season One and there were a couple things that just made me really emotional and I was like, I don't know if I can handle it. So I paused for a bit, but I do intend to go back and, and watch it as it goes on.
But, well, thank you so much for talking with me today, Paige. And can you tell us how can we connect with you online?
Paige Adams Strickland: I am mostly on Facebook. That's probably my biggest hangout of all of them. I'll be under Paige L. Adams Strickland. I do have a blog. It's on WordPress. It'll be under stricklandp.wordpress.com. That would be the way to find me there. It'll say Akin to the Truth. If you see big old sunflowers, then you know you hit the right button.
Haley Radke: Oh, perfect. Thank you. Thanks for sharing your story with us, and thanks for navigating this sort of tricky topic.
Paige Adams Strickland: Thank you, Haley.
Haley Radke: Oh my goodness. We're having a meet up. I'm so excited. I am coming to San Francisco with my husband in May, and so we have added one extra day onto our vacation so we can do an Adoptees On Listener Meet Up. I also asked Anne Heffron if she would teach her Write or Die class to me and to you, and she said yes. So on Sunday, May 20th, from 2-5, you have the opportunity to take Write or Die from Anne Heffron in downtown San Francisco. And following that, from 6-8, we are going do a Listener Meet Up. So that's going to be just hanging out, chatting together. So if you are interested in connecting in real life with other Adoptees On listeners, please—I would love it if you would come.
So if you'd like to find out more details, you can go to adopteeson.com/newsletter, and sign up for the newsletter. I'll be sending out details right away with that info. And also on our Facebook page, there's an Events tab, so you can find out how to register for Anne’s class. If you RSVP there, then I can let you know the location of the Meet Up. And of course, both of those will be in downtown San Francisco and location TBD (when I have a better idea of how many of you there's going to be). So please come. Please come. I'd love to meet you in person and there's already a few of you signed up, so I'm so pumped. I love it.
Speaking of listeners, you're so awesome. You're so awesome. Did you know this show is totally listener supported, and it's because of you that I'm able to do this weekly? And I literally couldn't do it without your help. Whether you choose to donate monthly or maybe do a one-time donation, you are saying you believe this show is a valuable resource for adoptees. That you want it to continue, and you are paying it forward to other adoptees who will find the show in the future and get connected into community. So important. If you'd like to stand with me, with other adoptees and support the show, head over to adopteeson.com/partner and all the details are there. Thank you. Thank you so much for your generosity. I sincerely appreciate it.
I've been thinking a lot about the conversation I had with Paige and at the very end when she was describing her session that she's gonna be giving in Indiana and she talked a little bit about finding your biological family in this new digital age. And so next week, we are literally talking about that. How awesome—digital relationships. I'm interviewing someone who has done thesis work and a qualitative study of various adoptees who have searched and found their biological family through social media. And so we talk about that and it's so interesting.
So I hope that you are subscribed to the show, so you won't miss that episode. You can find the show in any podcast app that you love, and I'd love to have you as a subscriber. Thanks for listening. Let's talk again, next Friday.
