158 Amanda Medina
/Transcript
Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/158
Haley Radke [00:00:00] This show is listener supported. You can join us and help our show grow to support more adoptees by going to adopteeson.com/partner.
You're listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is episode 158, Amanda Medina. I'm your host, Haley Radke. Today we are talking with Amanda Medina, creator of This Adoptee Life. Amanda and I talk about how she came out of the adoption fog in the past few years. She shares what adoption separation from our ancestors looks like via a beautiful and heartbreaking symbol of a broken legacy, and we discuss her commitment to building community among adoptees. We wrap up with some recommended resources, and as always, links to everything we'll be talking about today are on the website, adopteeson.com. Let's listen in.
I'm so pleased to welcome to Adoptees On, [00:01:00] Amanda Medina. Welcome, Amanda.
Amanda Medina Thank you, Haley. I'm so happy to be here. It's such an honor.
Haley Radke Oh, I'm so excited to be chatting with you. I'd love it if you would start and would you share your story with us?
Amanda Medina Absolutely. So I was born in Columbia and the story that is in my adoption papers is that in November of 1984, an unknown woman came to a police station in Medellín and she handed me over, saying she had found me in the streets and couldn't find my mother. She claimed to have had me for about a month, and at the time I would've been about four months, and the police takes me to the Colombian Family Welfare Institute. I'm placed in an orphanage/transit home and my photo is published in the newspaper. It says I am an unknown baby. Name unknown, parents unknown. There's an address [00:02:00] where if somebody would like to come claim me, they can, but nobody comes. So this way the authorities in Columbia can claim that they have tried to locate family, and now they can label me abandoned and I can be entered into the adoption program. Also around this time I was examined by doctors that estimated my age, 'cause again, they didn't know. So they say I'm about six to eight months and they give me my birthdate and I don't know where in this process or by whom I'm given my name. That's not mentioned in the papers. I'm placed in a foster family where it says that I catch up developmentally and physically, and there's also a note saying that I'm doing so well because this is an emotionally stable environment for me. Before it had said that I was exhibiting the typical signs of an [00:03:00] abandoned or institutionalized child, the biggest one being that I was not attaching or really accepting any adults to come close. In October of ‘85 (so now we're about a year after I was handed over to the police) I am matched with a Swedish couple for adoption. They fly to Columbia from Sweden. They adopt me. The papers are signed. The civil registry in Columbia is changed so that my last name becomes the name of my adoptive parents. And with that, all the legal ties to any first family that I have is essentially done, broken and cut. Then I am taken to Sweden and that's where I grew up. Until I'm about nine, I would say I had a very happy childhood. I always knew I was adopted. I never thought about it. It was almost something I was a little proud of, made me unique [00:04:00] and made me special. But when I'm about nine, my parents were starting to have marital problems and with that everything shifted for me. I started feeling less safe emotionally. I almost felt like this wall coming up and I was like, okay, I need to protect myself here. I can't attach too much to this. I lost trust in our home and in us as a family and I decided to distance myself mentally, emotionally, and even physically. At a young age, I decided I was gonna leave Sweden and I was just gonna go and live my own life, and I did. When I was 20, I moved to the US and I've lived here since. And, yeah, that's the adoption story.
Haley Radke So you can look back at age nine and already feel like this is the time I made a plan that I'm not even gonna be in [00:05:00] Sweden anymore.
Amanda Medina Yeah, it was. For many years I wouldn't feel comfortable saying that it was because I realized my parents had problems in their marriage, but I definitely have come to terms with that's just a fact. I don't have to feel guilty about that. I don't have to feel ashamed over that. But for many years I did and I think that's a thing for us adoptees. Many of us carry this guilt because we have these feelings, these thoughts, questions, emotions that we don't know where they come from. We don't know that it makes sense, the trauma we've been through and all of that. So that's very much what was happening to me for many years.
Haley Radke What was it like growing up in Sweden? I'm Canadian, so I don't know. I feel like we have a few things in common with the Nordic countries temperature wise-
Amanda Medina Yeah, I grew up very much the [00:06:00] compliant adoptee, deep in the fog. I would tell you well into adulthood, “Oh, I'm like the success story of adoption.” Meaning it hasn't affected me. “I'm totally fine. Sure, whatever questions you have, no problem.” I'm gonna answer them. Search for family? “No. Why would I wanna do that?” All those kinds of standard phrases that we tell ourselves, or at least that's how it was for me.
Haley Radke Did you know anyone else from Columbia when you were there? Like was adopting from Columbia common there? Did you know other adoptees growing up?
Amanda Medina There was my brother, my adopted brother. We never talked about the adoption experience. His was more tumultuous, I would say. He was acting out more, and I was just keeping myself in check, which I think it's in The Primal Wound, Nancy Verrier, she talks about how a lot of times if you have two adopted children in the same family, they can take opposite roles. And that's very much what [00:07:00] happened for us and we just never fully connected. I would say with my adoptive family, all in all, it's not bad relationships, it's just very shallow and I'm okay with that today. It just is what it is. But growing up it was hard. And you asked if I knew other Colombian adoptees? No, I did not. There was one kid in a different high school that I knew of. We did have mutual friends at some point, but there was never a thing where, “Oh, you're adopted. Oh, me too. Oh, cool. How's that for you? How do you feel?” No, it was more like, oh, you're adopted. Oh, okay. Yeah, let's not talk about that because that's just too heavy. That's too uncomfortable or whatever the case was at the time. I don't even really know.
Haley Radke Okay. What's it like coming to the States at age 20 on your own?
Amanda Medina Yes, well the first time I was here, I was 18. So to backtrack a little, I lived in Spain for a year when I was 16. [00:08:00] There was a Swedish school where my parents let me attend for a year and live with the Spanish family. So like a guest student with the purpose of learning Spanish. And while there I met this guy and we became really good friends and then he moved to the States and I went back to Sweden and then we reconnected later. And so I went to visit him and you know-
Haley Radke Oh, the rest is history.
Amanda Medina The rest is history. We are today married with two kids and it all worked out pretty well.
Haley Radke Okay. Interesting. So how many languages do you speak?
Amanda Medina Fluently, comfortably: three.
Haley Radke Okay.
Amanda Medina Yeah, I just did a podcast that released yesterday in Spanish. That was the first. But Swedish was the language I learned, like that's my native tongue.
Haley Radke Yes.
Amanda Medina In the sense that's the first one, that's my first language. And then English and Spanish.
Haley Radke So were you learning Spanish even as a child or was that something that you [00:09:00] learned as a teenager?
Amanda Medina Yeah, as a teenager. I did not know any Spanish growing up, and in the beginning I would speak like a Spaniard, not like a Colombian at all. And to this day, I don't really have the Colombian accent. So yeah, I got the language, but I still wouldn't fit in. If I went to Columbia, I would be made on spot as soon as I open my mouth.
Haley Radke Oh my word. I'm just picturing in Canada, we have a province, Quebec, and they speak French there. And so when they go to France, it's like, well this isn't French. This is not right. There's that barrier. So that's so interesting. Wow. Sweden. Okay. But you were outta there. Now, I've seen a photo that was shared on a blog post, and it's the photo of you as a baby in the newspaper.
Amanda Medina Yeah.
Haley Radke Where did you get that and what's it like for you when you see that? [00:10:00]
Amanda Medina My adoptive mom, or my mom, gave it to me. She gave it to me, so now I have it. But she had the original newspaper, like the actual page, and then it's also copied into the adoption papers that I've been given. Since I asked for it. They gave it all, so they're very supportive in that sense that my adoption papers were always available to me. I just never wanted to look at them. I never wanted to read them until I was starting to dig into it. But yeah, when I see that picture, I look very sad. There's two girls sitting next to me and I think they look neutral or I don't think any of us are smiling, but I definitely look very sad, like ready to cry. And in other pictures too, from that time, I feel like there's this serious face and then I try to look at it and I wonder what I was thinking 'cause I was obviously going through a lot in that period.
Haley Radke It's quite a stark, shocking image. [00:11:00]
Amanda Medina Yeah.
Haley Radke There's two adult hands.
Amanda Medina Yeah.
Haley Radke Propping you guys up 'cause you're babies.
Amanda Medina Yeah.
Haley Radke You can't even sit up. So yeah, it's quite a shocking photo. So you said something there. What does that mean when you're starting to unpack things, starting to look at what's happening for you?
Amanda Medina Yeah, so like I said, well into adulthood I was very fine with everything. And then, as is true, I think for many of us adoptees, once we have our own biological children, something happens, there's a little switch. At least it was for me, where all of a sudden, this is the first time I can feel and really understand the importance of a biological bond. That it is truly unbreakable. Like it doesn't matter if we have a fight, it doesn't matter if we say we will never speak again. That bond is there and it will never, [00:12:00] it cannot be physically broken in a way. Just seeing so clearly my daughters. Like this she got from me, that she got from her father. And just over time realizing there are people out there, there are people in Columbia with whom I share that. And then I never shared it with my adoptive family, obviously. And so that contradiction and that kind of just weird place to realize that. And then also I think what really bothered me was not being able to provide medical history for my daughters. That's where I realized that my story isn't just mine. I can reject it for myself. I can say I don't have an interest in knowing, but in doing so, they won't have access to half of their story. And I'm not sure still to this day exactly what I will do, whether I'm going to go full mode searching one day. I haven't yet. If it will be enough that we reconnect with just learning about food and music culture, [00:13:00] going to Columbia. That's still a decision in the making, but just realizing that. And then my husband had around the same time started saying, “There are these DNA tests coming out. Would you want one?” And I said, “No, absolutely not.” And he could not wrap his head around how I would not wanna know. “There are people out there. You don't wanna find them?” And said, “No, don't even ask me anymore.” And he didn't. He respected that. But then little by little, like I said. And there was a specific interaction in a text message with a person who I was connecting with on Facebook over something completely different, but I told her I was from Medellín. I told her my last name in Medellín and she says, “My best friend is from Medellín and that's her last name.” And we're leaving Ikea as I get this message. I'm in the parking lot about to load my kids and all this stuff in, and it just clicks. I go, “Oh, I have real biological [00:14:00] family.” There are people in Medellín that have my last name, whether it was my last name for real or not. But just in that moment and I go home and I say to my husband, “Okay, buy the DNA test. Let's do this and also-
Haley Radke Can I just stop you?
Amanda Medina Yeah, for sure.
Haley Radke It had to happen in the IKEA parking lot. That’s just very-
Amanda Medina Oh yeah, that is funny. I never even thought of that. But yeah, that is definitely a funny point to the whole situation. And then, yeah, in the same process, I found a group on Facebook. So I was like, you know what? There must be other adoptees out there. I looked for a group on Facebook, adopted people from Columbia or something, and I found one and there were 1500 members and this is where I was introduced to adoption with language like trauma, corruption, first mothers. I heard stories of fellow adoptees that had reunited with their family [00:15:00] in Columbia and found out that the mothers were lied to. The baby was either kidnapped, the mother was lied to in the hospital, told that it was a stillborn girl, and then it turned out it was a boy, and that was said just to erase traces and make it harder to look and all that stuff. And reading my own adoption papers, realizing there were no names in there, and starting to doubt is this actually my story? How come they didn't bother to put details? It's a very generic story hearing from others having very similar, if not the same story. And so, Pandora's box flew open.
Haley Radke Once you see that stuff, you can't unsee it right? Can you make broad sweeping generalizations, sorry to put you on the spot there, but I know you are connected with a lot of adoptees that are adopted from Columbia and I'm curious if you've seen a pattern. How does searching happen over there? I've heard [00:16:00] both DNA stories and I've heard like hiring a private investigator kind of stories. Just curious, if you did wanna search and you wanted to go that route, just in generic kind of terms, what do you see most people having success with?
Amanda Medina Depending a little bit on which era you were adopted in, so seventies, eighties, there will be more stories like mine where there's no identification of a mother. There might be a very generic story, lacking details, and so for us it would be DNA, possibly a private investigator. I know a lot of people do that and combine the two. They might find somebody and it seems okay, the story matches, let's do the DNA test to confirm. If you were maybe adopted later, like in the nineties and on, I think they did put stricter laws, stricter regulations on needing to have signatures or at least like it's called cédula, which is the identification number of a person [00:17:00] for the mother. There tends to be more information and some people have even been able to just find via social media relatives and then confirm with a DNA test. Yeah, seventies and eighties, it's, for us it's harder. It's definitely harder. And it was a time in Columbia without going into politics or history, it was a time in Columbia where things were tumultuous and there was a lot of corruption. And then Sweden has one of the biggest adoption agencies in the world, I think it's the second largest that they facilitate. Sweden is the country with the highest number, from what I've heard, the highest number of international adoptions per capita. And they didn't necessarily do their jobs, so you can't just blame the first country. So there's definitely, there's a lot there to unpack, but yeah.
Haley Radke Oh yeah. Oh yeah. What a tangled web we weave. Okay. So going back to you, your personal story. Did you buy the DNA kit?
Amanda Medina Yeah, we did, but I have not been able to [00:18:00] find any close matches. The closest is second to fourth cousins, which, once you find that, if you've never had that before, that is, I have a cousin, I'll take it. I don't care if you're like 1%, but it's that one little percent of drop of blood that we share. We're cousins, we're primas, we're primos. So yeah, I connected with a few and stay in touch with some of them.
Haley Radke Okay. I wanna ask you about another part of your story that you mentioned, that you were literally guesstimated how old you were and given a birth date.
Amanda Medina Yeah, so that I always knew. I can't say how or when, but that was always just a matter of fact. And I think it's one of the things my parents did do right because it meant that I actually got to claim that day. So I [00:19:00] never wondered, oh, is it that day? Is it not? I didn't have that. Some adoptees, once they read their papers, having thought their birthday was a set date and then they realized it might not have been that date, or in fact it wasn't. And then that's adding to the identity crisis of coming out of the fog and the grieving. Now it's yet another thing to grieve. I didn't have to go through that. So for me, it's worked out in my favor in the end. But yeah, it's definitely growing up and being a teenager and everybody's reading horoscopes and, oh, what sign are you? And it was still there. It was still something that on some levels, a reminder or something that bothered me a little bit, but not so much adding to the coming out of the fog dilemma. And in that sense that other adoptees, I know many struggle, really struggle with their birthday.
Haley Radke I don't know why I'm just stuck on it, like just knowing that oh yeah, the date on my driver's license, it's just like an estimate of [00:20:00] my birth date. Like it's just kind of like, I don't know-
Amanda Medina Yeah. If even that, because honestly, at this point I don't trust a thing, a single thing in my papers. It's just, that's the story I was given and that's why I always, I've started adding that when I introduce myself and when I tell the story it's like, “In my papers it says-”
Haley Radke I noticed that. And interestingly, sadly, I guess you're not the only person to share their story that way now. Just because of what you mentioned, all the corruption and things that now we've come to learn about how they were doing things. I shouldn't say were. How things are sometimes done.
Amanda Medina Yeah.
Haley Radke Okay. So you have this kind of epiphany like, okay, there's things happening. I am connecting with other adoptees online, and oh my goodness, there's trauma and all this stuff. What led you to starting your blog and actually talking publicly about adoptee issues and sharing your story and other adoptee [00:21:00] stories?
Amanda Medina I had always wanted to, I had always written my entire life. Poems, letters, diaries, song lyrics, like I've always been writing. That's how I process, that's how I make sense of everything. I write. And so I always knew I wanted to, for many years I said, I wanna write a blog. I wanna share my story, but I didn't know what my story was until that adoption piece came in. I wrote my first piece on adoption that was shared on Dear Adoption. I think that's now two years ago, two/three years ago.
Haley Radke Oh, I love Dear Adoption. One of my very best friends runs that. Hi, Reshma.
Amanda Medina Yeah. Oh, she's awesome. Yeah. Hi. I think I wrote that before I even had started the blog, and the things that I shared in the group were received very well. People were saying, ”Wow, you express yourself so clearly in ways that you're validating what I felt like. Thank you for putting words to my feelings.” And I just [00:22:00] decided to go ahead and see what would happen if I just started sharing my story in a blog. I didn't share my name at first. I was hiding behind This Adoptee Life because I didn't know where it was gonna go. But then I realized quickly that by sharing my story, by telling my own story, I got to own it. And I realized how empowering that was to do that. To get to choose the words. To get to decide from which angle. And there was, like I said, so much empowerment in that, that I wanted to give the same opportunity to fellow adoptees. So that's when I started inviting fellow adoptees to share their story on the blog as well. And then I shared some of my writing as I processed coming out of the fog and all of that. And that's how that went. And I think at some point it also became, because I grew up feeling so alone, never talking to anybody about what I felt, always [00:23:00] feeling very guilty for wondering why was I adopted to this family and not another, feeling guilty for not feeling connected to my family, but never feeling like I could talk about that with anyone because nobody would understand that there was probably something wrong with me for feeling that way, but then realizing later on that that made perfect sense. Once I knew what I had been through, and then just wanting to say to other adoptees like, you're not alone. I'll share my story so that if you are reading it, you know at least one other person out there who feels like you, who has been through the same. And that's really it. Just none of us should have to feel alone. Whatever it is you're going through, adoption or not, but specifically because I'm an adoptee, that's what I can speak on.
Haley Radke You glossed over this and I don't want it to get missed. You really do give other adoptees the opportunity to share their stories, and I'm curious why that part of blogging also is so important to you because there's so many [00:24:00] adoptees that their blog is specifically about them and their specific story, and it's very focused on just the one individual. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. Why did you want to give others the opportunity to share your space?
Amanda Medina Because I grew up feeling like I didn't have space to express myself in. Because again, I felt like I was alone. So in a way, not in a selfish way, but it's like I am giving others what I needed, what I would have wanted. So I'm trying to validate, support, and give that space, be it on the blog where you share your story or on social media where you can come in and comment. And if you are an adoptee, I got your back. If you're contacting me and you're an adoptee, I prioritize replying to you before non-adoptees and that kind of thing. Because having pushed our feelings aside for years and years, feeling like either we're gaslit or we're not validated, or we're told to just feel differently, [00:25:00] I'm here to say, “No, you don't have to feel pressured for anything and I got you.” Basically. That's what I try to do.
Haley Radke That's wonderful. I've also seen you share that family preservation is very important to you.
Amanda Medina Yeah.
Haley Radke Can you talk a little bit about that? Why things shifted for you there?
Amanda Medina I think a lot of us, adoptees and society, we cling to this positive narrative of adoption, not realizing that a lot of times adoption is not the only, if even a necessary, alternative for children who find themselves, be it in foster care or whatever it may be. Adoption is, what is it they usually say? Adoption is a permanent solution to a [00:26:00] temporary problem. A lot of times there might not be a need to cut ties to your actual family or your first family. I try to put into question and really let's examine adoption, the concept, how it's carried out. Is it really such a good thing? How can it be harmful? Because it can be, what's the support that's needed out there? And so family preservation was presented to me, and now later on, legal guardianship I've heard about where a lot of adoptees will say, when people ask what's the alternative? Well, legal guardianship can be an alternative. I have to look into it more. I can't really speak on it, but that's come up a lot of times.
Haley Radke When people connect with you to write on your blog, I'm curious if you have any adoptees that you might say, “I think you're still processing a little bit of foggy things.” What are your thoughts on sharing [00:27:00] space for all the adoptee voices? Because, we do sometimes talk in generalizations about, oh, most adoptees feel this way, or most adoptees feel, but really everyone has had a completely individual unique experience and has thoughts and opinions in all kinds of matters that are different.
Amanda Medina Yeah, no, for sure. And that's why I am actually very careful not to use absolute language. I don't say, “Adoption is-” I do use language like, “Many times.” It may very well be, “Many of us,” or I'll base it on my own personal experience and just say, “Hey, but I know I'm not the exception here. I know there are others like me.” So that's one thing. And then most adoptees that have shared, I haven’t not shared anyone who has reached out, obviously, because I stand by my word that it's for all and every adoptee. But so far I think I am very clear in where I [00:28:00] stand. And so it's been adoptees who feel like, okay, here's someone who will listen to me, validate me, and will share my story. This is a space where I can, and I've had some say this is the first time I share my story and that they've read the blog or seen my social media posts and say, “You've helped me feel like I can tell my story,” which is such an honor and so humbling because that is exactly what I hope to do. So it's a mutual thing where we're in this. That's what I say right in my post, to all my fellow adoptees, “PS we are all in this together.” But yeah, then there are some who contact me and well, you said this and I don't feel like that. And I say, that's okay. I can't ascribe an experience to all. I'm not invalidating your happy story with my struggle. But, there's room for all of us to share our truth. We have to respect each other though, all around. That's how I look at it.
Haley Radke No kidding. I think [00:29:00] some people might need reminding that we should all be respecting each other, especially lately. Whew. Seen some nasty things.
Amanda Medina Yeah, there's a lot going on. All around.
Haley Radke All over. Yes. Yes. I know we're not always gonna all get along, but I do feel some respect is missing occasionally.
Amanda Medina I can just say super quick just what my thing is. 'Cause people have heard, how do you reply so calmly? Or how do you not, and I rarely, if ever, reply in my reaction. I'll read these things and things will trigger me left and right. I'll get upset, I'll get angry. I feel I wanna just throw my phone out the window. That's how angry I get it at what I read sometimes, but that's not when I type my answer. That's not when I reply. Instead I'll process it. I'll think on it. I might write something and then I might go and edit. Not to silence myself, but if I want my message to come across, I don't know [00:30:00] about you, but I don't respond to attacks very well. If somebody comes at me, I won't necessarily be, oh, okay, yeah, sure, we'll do it your way, but if you wanna introduce some ideas, sow some, throw out some seeds and watch the plants grow, that's how I look at it. The change that's gonna happen over a longer period of time. It's not gonna happen overnight as much as we want it to.
Haley Radke I will often ignore that stuff. And that’s-
Amanda Medina That's so great. And that's just what it works for me.
Haley Radke Oh, totally. But that's my method of self preservation to keep me in the work, because from past experience, I have seen that I can put a lot of effort into replying to someone, and I think I am being as gracious as I can summon up and filled with facts and all the things and bring them to the table and be shut down again. And I’m-
Amanda Medina Oh, absolutely. [00:31:00]
Haley Radke I'm, I don't know if you can tell this I'm super sensitive sometimes, a lot of the time, and so that's what works for me, but I do appreciate that you are willing to have those hard conversations, and I've seen that in a lot of adoptees lately that are, especially, we will talk a little bit more about this during recommended resources, but adoptees that are open to having a conversation with adoptive parents or with first parents.
Amanda Medina Yeah.
Haley Radke Prioritizing the adoptive voice, but yet still teaching out of your adoptee experience. And if you're gonna listen, then I'm gonna teach you. And maybe we do have a conversation back and forth. So I appreciate that because not all of us are willing to do that.
Amanda Medina It's been a learning process too because, when I first came out of the fog, having gone through what I had gone through, having realized what I had realized and just essentially having just completely [00:32:00] broken down to, I call it, I had my eat-pray-love moment where I was just on the kitchen floor crying and just ran out of tears. And I was like, I don't know how I will ever come back from this. This is it. Like I'm sitting in this dark hole and I'm gonna be stuck here. I've lost myself, the person I was before, and I don't know how I'm gonna build her back up in any kind of way, but I did eventually. But having gained that strength, at first, that was, you mentioned adoption. I'm ready to give you a two hour lecture on everything that's wrong and just, “You think you know? No, no, no, no. I'm gonna tell you about this and this.” So I've been there too. I definitely have. I've been anything from kicked out of groups to blocked from people and I've gone at it that way and it didn't work. So then I had to reevaluate and I also learned when is it even worth answering? It's not always worth answering. There are comments on my social media that you'll see I actually did not reply because maybe it's, [00:33:00] “Are you really trying to engage in the conversation or do you wanna just tell me that I'm wrong?” And I've had times when I have replied and then no conversation is happening. So you learn as you go what works for you-
Haley Radke Whether or not to take the bait?
Amanda Medina Yeah. Basically.
Haley Radke I don't know. I think there's so many conversations that happen on social media and a lot of the public ones I feel like don't necessarily go places but I know there is a lot of hard work also being done in the DMs where-
Amanda Medina Absolutely.
Haley Radke There's some really amazing conversations and changes of opinion I think happen when it's just that more one-on-one personal connection. And no one else is jumping in to give their 2 cents and I know you're having those conversations, so thank you for serving in that way.
Amanda Medina For sure.
Haley Radke I watched a piece on YouTube that you posted [00:34:00] not too long ago. It's called A Piece Broken Off, and you describe feeling like you were broken off from a chain. You talk about the richness of the history that now your link is broken away from. And you're really talking about the loss of a family legacy of adoption. I thought it was really powerful and-
Amanda Medina Thank you.
Haley Radke I'm wondering if you can share a little bit about that and what led you to the chain metaphor and if you could just speak to that a bit.
Amanda Medina Yeah, for sure. So I had said in one of my early posts, I remember saying that I realized that as the adopted child of a couple who were not able to have biological [00:35:00] children, I will not be carrying on their family line. And also, again, being an adoptive child with no information about my first family, it also falls on me to start a new family like I am now the roots of a new family tree. So feeling very in between there. And then this specific piece that you're referring to came out of, somebody shared in a group that I was in a poem read out loud by two Mexican American girls who had written a poem celebrating the rich heritage of the Latina women before them, their mothers, their grandmothers, and you know how they were these strong women in their Latina culture, in their origin, in all of the ancestry. And I just felt like [00:36:00] that should be mine, right? I was born in Columbia and I know there's so much richness in that country in terms of culture and heritage and ancestry and all of that stuff and I have no access to it. So that's where I felt like I had been just plucked out of the ground and placed somewhere else, somewhere where there is no tree for me to attach to, touch my branch to. So that's where that poem was inspired by and came out of.
Haley Radke Beautiful. Before we do recommended resources, when I ask guests on, and we always have like a few minutes ahead of time before we record, and one of the questions I ask, and I asked you before we started, is do you have preferred adoption language? Because I like to be respectful of the guests and, oh my gosh, first/birth/bio/natural. I don't know, I'm probably missing a few there, but I always do that to be respectful. And one of the things that you had mentioned to me earlier is [00:37:00] that there is a difference between positive adoption language and honest adoption language. And what I said was, do you have preferred adoption language? I'm curious if you would like to share a little bit about that 'cause we've seen some kind of hot button topics on social media in the last few months about positive adoption language.
Amanda Medina Yeah. Yeah. So I love linguistics and I love sociology, and so language is extremely important to me. I say that one of the ultimate ways to control people and shape their reality is via language, right? You tell them what words to use, and that then reflects in their mind. So when people talk about positive adoption language, first of all, we gotta see who is putting out positive adoption language. Who is that for? It's not necessarily for the adoptees. We are not the ones that say, oh, we wanna be called blessed. We wanna be called chosen. We wanna be [00:38:00] called loved. That comes from the agencies, that comes from the adoptive parents because that fits their narrative. That allows them to feel that they're doing a good thing, that everything is to be celebrated, and there are no problems. Meanwhile, I made a post, again early on, on Instagram, saying, no, I was not chosen. My parents were chosen. It even says in the adoption papers, we have the pleasure of informing you that you have been selected to adopt this child. I was available. And I'm okay with that language because that actually reflects the truth. So that's where honest adoption language comes in. This way, I don't have the pressure on me to feel lucky or blessed or fortunate or grateful. So I think it's really important for adoptees because that's where we will find the space to explore our true story, our true experience, and own our feelings. Because we should. We deserve to process [00:39:00] what it is that we've been through. We deserve to know that losing your mother, doesn't matter what the circumstances are, losing your mother at any age is traumatic and that's something that needs to be processed, healed from. However you wanna put that. But so that's where I feel it's so important to talk about honest adoption language. And that's not gonna be easy adoption language, that's just gonna be honest. That's all that I'm saying with that. Truthful and honest. And that's where we will hopefully be able to make change and actually approach the adoptee experience for what it is for many of us, not all, but many of us who need that support, who need to know that it's okay to struggle.
Haley Radke Thank you. Okay, let's move to recommended resources. And we've already mentioned, Amanda, that you have the blog, This Adoptee Life, and I love that you are sharing your own story. You've got like a whole ton of posts sharing your story, going more in depth than we did here today because of [00:40:00] time. What is that? But I've attended some of your lives on Instagram and what I really appreciate about you is what your commitment looks like from the outside to community building and really connecting with other adoptees, bringing them in. There's pockets here and there, we see lots of different Facebook groups and things, especially the really huge groups. It's hard to connect really in person with adoptees. And so I really am thankful that you are building your own community and gathering together adoptees.
Amanda Medina Thank you.
Haley Radke It's really important work. The other thing I wanted to mention is Amanda has a mantra.
Amanda Medina Oh, you got it.
Haley Radke I'm showing it to her on video. You can't see that, but you can hear me crinkling the paper. Maybe not. Maybe my editor's just too good. I'm just gonna take it out. [00:41:00] I'm doing it extra for you, Jen. I'm not gonna read it out 'cause I want you to go to Amanda's Instagram and she's got it there in a couple places and I think it's also on your blog. But the very last thing you say is, “I belong on this earth.” And to me, even as you share it through the interview, and I got stuck on the fact that your birthday is fake, and you have no idea where you were for your first months of life. I just thought, man, to ground yourself in that thought: I belong on this earth, is just so powerful. Is there anything you wanna speak to about the mantra or your blog that you wanna share with us?
Amanda Medina So I could just say about the mantra that there is a video where I introduced it on Instagram and Facebook. But just for anybody who's listening here and hearing about the first time, it's essentially a set of phrases that I've realized so many adoptees struggle with, and I've been one [00:42:00] of them for sure and still do, but it's just realizing that where I have been wanting for other people to tell me, I can tell myself and I can find strength and confidence in just claiming that for myself. And so that's why I wanted to share it with, again, I wanna share it with fellow adoptees so you can order it and I will be so happy to send it. And people have bought it and they send me pictures. It sits on their bathroom mirror or by their bed or some have it in their office and just a daily reminder that you deserve this. You can say that, yes, I exist and yes, I deserve to live happily.
Haley Radke Powerful. What did you wanna recommend to us?
Amanda Medina My recommended resource is a page on Facebook, and they are also on YouTube. They're called Trauma Informed Parent. And while it's not adoption [00:43:00] specific, for me as an adoptee, seeing their posts and what they share, it is definitely relating to the fact that I have been through trauma. And I think a lot of adoptees can find information on there and specifically adoptive parents because adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents need to know about the trauma that the adoptee child has been through.
Haley Radke And I think, you know what I've learned so much from the therapists that have been on the show is that we can re-mother and re-parent ourselves, especially when we have an understanding of trauma. I don't wanna talk down to us, but sometimes it is easier to learn about it from an adult looking at a child's perspective, at first, when we're first learning about it. So I really like this. I'm really excited to check it out. I'm so glad you brought it too. I hadn't heard of it before, but I'm gonna go check that out as well. Thank you. Where can we connect with [00:44:00] you online?
Amanda Medina I have the blog, which is This Adoptee Life, so www.thisadoptteelife.com. And from there you can also find me on Instagram, Facebook. I am intending to become more active on Twitter. I'm still figuring that one out, but I'm on Instagram a lot.
Haley Radke Yes, Twitter is a whole beast and you gotta have the right timing to join Twitter as well. That's an inside joke for if you knew when we were recording this. Yikes. Anyway, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I really appreciate it. And thank you for also making a space for adoptee voices. I think we share that passion. It's so important and we really wanna hear each other's stories.
Amanda Medina Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me. It's been such an honor and a pleasure to speak with you and share my story here. [00:45:00]
Haley Radke One of the things I really appreciate about Amanda and so many other adoptee bloggers is that they are willing to share their platforms with us. And so if writing has been on your heart and you haven't built up a platform for yourself yet, you wanna just dip your toe in and try things out. That's what Amanda did to start. She wrote a piece for Dear Adoption like she shared with us, and there's so many adoptee bloggers who are sharing their space, sharing an opportunity to have your words go to maybe a wider audience than you would have if you did a Facebook post on your own, or there's a lot of places that will let you share anonymously also, if that feels safer. We've got November National Adoption Awareness Month coming up, and I always feel like adoptees are [00:46:00] working their hardest to be louder during November than everyone else. And our voices often get drowned out. So if you've been thinking, maybe I have an idea that I wanna share with the adoptive community, or maybe you just wanna get some feelings out, this is a good time. There's a lot of different people that are accepting guest posters right now, so I'd encourage you to look around, see who's accepting posts, make a connection there and write something. We wanna hear from a variety of adoptee voices and maybe we haven't heard from you yet. So if you want to, I would really encourage you to do something like that. And I've always said that one of my most sad things about making the podcast is that I couldn't possibly interview everyone who listens. I just would run out of weeks and time and so this is a really great opportunity for you to share a part of your story, perhaps. Maybe it's something that you've really wanted to come on the podcast and [00:47:00] weren't able to. This is a great way for you to start out sharing what the adoptee experience has been like for you. So there you go. There's your little push. If you needed a sign, should I write something? Yes. Yes. You should write something.
Okay. I really have enjoyed talking to so many really incredible adoptees lately. It's just been wonderful. Now, our next two episodes coming up are a little bit more of somber topics. We are gonna be talking about Adoptee Remembrance Day with Pamela Karanova, and there's going to be some opportunities for community input. I will be putting some details out on Facebook, Instagram, but my Patreon supporters knew about it first, and some of them have already gotten on and gotten to work on their submissions. So if you want to hear about those things first, you can go to adopteeson.com/partner to find out the details of how you can join Patreon. And there's lots of bonuses over there. There's another weekly [00:48:00] podcast called Adoptees Off Script that is unfiltered-Haley, much to the chagrin of my co-host sometimes. No, we have a lot of fun over there. There's a secret Facebook group just for adoptees. There's other levels with other bonuses, and there's some really fun things coming up. I know I keep saying that. It's coming. It's coming. I promise I'm working on it very hard, but I'd love to have you over there. Adopteeson.com/partner helps sustain the show, helps keep the show going and growing and supporting adoptees around the world. Okay. I thank you so much for listening, and let's talk again next Friday.
