175 [Estrangement Series] Justin Part 2

Transcript

Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/175

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Haley Radke: [00:00:00] You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Episode 175, Justin. I'm your host, Haley Radke. I am honored to be able to bring you Part 2 of Justin's story. So if you did not hear last week's episode, make sure you go and find Episode 174. This is going to be a direct continuation of Part 1.

Justin shares about a desire to add his original surname back, which causes a huge fight. And then ultimately his son's suicide attempts bring extreme clarity to his relationship with his adoptive family. I want to give you a trigger warning. During this episode, we are going to mention death by suicide and also discuss suicide attempts by a child.

So if you know those will be harmful for you to listen to, I want you to honor that nudge your body is giving you to push pause and come back when you're [00:01:00] feeling safe and have supports in place to listen with or find another episode that will be a better fit for you. We are going to wrap up with some recommended resources. And, as always, links to everything we'll be talking about are on the website adopteeson.com. Let's listen in.

Justin: This is where you enter the story.

Haley Radke: Oh, great. This doesn't sound good.

Justin: Yeah, so, sorry to bring you here but you are to blame. I was always a big podcast listener since, whenever. I loaded them on my little iPod shuffle, always been into that. And I guess about five years ago I thought, I wonder if there are any about adoptees or adoption? And so I did that, and yours came up. And I think it was maybe the third episode or something like that, it was very early on, but I remember listening to it and listening to whoever's story it was and just being like, [00:02:00] Holy crap, these are my people! After that therapeutic thing that I'd done as a young person, I'd gone through a lot of therapy and a search for identity and all of this stuff. There was the whole racial component of "Am I Black? Am I not Black? What am I?" And then thinking, Can I find my identity there, or is it that I grew up overseas? And maybe if I'm with those people I'll feel connected. And then I became Muslim, and I was like, maybe that's the tribe that I belong to. It never fully felt comfortable until I started listening more about adoptions and adoptees. And I had read, I think that actually this was when I did my search the social worker might have given me The Primal Wound, and it blew me away at that time. But I think that was the only book I'd read about adoption, and I think like probably a lot of people I could [00:03:00] only read it once, right? It's just so hard to go back into. But I really felt a connection and I realized this is big. That this is big. So it got me thinking about this more in terms of my identity, and it made me want to press my parents a little bit more about my adoption because, like I said, this had always been: "We just adopted you because we always wanted to adopt you." That had always felt like it's not the complete story. That doesn't make sense to me. So I wanted to find out about that. I wanted to find out about more. Like I'm sure everybody who's tried to broach this with their adoptive parents, it's tiny little, baby steps trepidatiously trying to get into this.

So one of the first things I did–and this again comes from [Reshma McClintock] being on your show–was to write a piece for Dear Adoption. I agonized about that in terms of whether or not to use my full name and decided [00:04:00] to and then shared it publicly on Facebook so that my parents would see it. Now, my sister read it and then wrote in the comments of the thing: "I was happy that you were adopted." I mean, if you've read any of those pieces, but certainly if you read my piece, like, That's the message that you got out of it? Oh my God. But my parents didn't say anything, nothing. Nothing at all. They may not have read it but they know it was there. Whatever, but they didn't say anything. But still, this is over years asking little bits, making little steps and finally about two years ago or so, I was texting with my mom about this and she said, The next time we come up why don't we have a conversation about this. So we did. We sat down to have this conversation. And, I mentioned before this face that my mom gets. This shielded-up face of [00:05:00] "Okay, tell me. I'm not gonna share anything. I'm not gonna be vulnerable, but tell me. Go ahead and tell me." So not the greatest, not like a therapeutic environment for deeply sharing your feelings. So I was tapping around the heart of things and kind of getting at it. And, to be fair, it did feel like there was some progress being made. I learned some things. This is where I learned about their choice to adopt from the difficult-to-adopt pool and some other things. There was a period of three or four months of communicating back and forth with my mom via text where it really felt like, okay, we're getting somewhere, or she's understanding. I'm showing understanding of why they were so upset. And this is where I learned more about my dad. He didn't get out of bed for two days. He was, like, catatonic. I mean–

Haley Radke: The nervous breakdown. Wow. Yeah ...

Justin: So I felt like, okay, I'm getting somewhere. And I was so positive about it. I was on [00:06:00] this one chat with both my parents. My father wasn't writing because he wasn't good at texting. But I got off and I was saying to my wife, Oh, this is really great. I feel like we're making a breakthrough. My wife was like, Okay. She's a little bit more skeptical about it. I think she's always been a little bit more clear-eyed about my parents than I was. But I was like, Oh, okay, great. And my dad finally texted. He wrote: "I'm not really good at texting, but let me send you an email tomorrow with my thoughts." And I was like, Oh, okay, great. So I got the email, and it wasn't so much that the email was openly hostile to me, although there were some things in there that were criticisms, veiled criticisms of me and who I was. It was just, it was very... I don't know. It was very much his perspective and why his perspective was his perspective, and [00:07:00] this is his perspective. And I wrote back. I said: "Wow, that was really upsetting. I was really surprised." And he wrote back: "Oh, your mom didn't think there was anything wrong with it. It was sent with the best of intentions." And I waited for a little while thinking, Okay, let me give them the chance to ask what was upsetting about it for me. Because it wasn't a hostile response. I just said: "That was upsetting." And they didn't. So I was like, Maybe they don't know? Maybe they really don't know? So I went through line by line and was like, This is upsetting, this is upsetting, this is a reason, this is a reason, this is a reason. I think it got a little bit angrier as it went along, but they were valid points. And my dad's response was like, "Whoa, It was sent in the best of intentions. Can't we just put this behind us and move on?" And my mom's response was: "I don't know that you know how difficult this was for your father [00:08:00] to write," which I'm sure it was. But it was really hard for me too; all of these things were hard for all of us. "I don't think you really understand how difficult this was. Sounds like you're upset. Maybe we shouldn't come up and visit." There was this planned visit for them to come up. And at that point, I was like, I've got two options. I can say, "Okay, yeah come up," but it was come up, we're not gonna talk about this. But if we come up, the assumption is, you've calmed down, you've gotten over this, and we'll come up as though everything was okay. Or I could say, "Okay. All right. Yeah, maybe you shouldn't come up." And I really just felt like I don't want to play this game. I don't want you to come up and me to have to pretend like things are okay. So I said: “Okay, maybe we should wait and revisit it later." After that was about a year of not any real communication. [00:09:00] There were some birthday cards, some little texts back and forth, but not really any communication and certainly not addressing this. And then I got an email from my dad that had "Reconciliation" as the title of it, and he wrote: "It's been over a year. I think it's time to move on," or something like this. "You need to call your mom" or "You should call your mom and tell her how you feel." I wrote back, I said: “I'm open to reconciliation. I don't think that I'm ready to talk right now. If my mom wants to know how I feel, she's welcome to ask me.” And nothing. No response. Nothing from that.

So then moving on to what sort of led to where we are now. So in the early part of the pandemic, my middle son had a serious suicide attempt. He overdosed on his depression medication. He told us about it right away. We went to the emergency room, and he only ended up spending the night under observation in the emergency room. So the physical [00:10:00] impacts weren't that severe. And then we got him enrolled in a partial health hospitalization, a couple of weeks with that, and it was a positive experience there. After that, it was really a struggle to try and find therapists, psychiatrists, a system of support for him. I think anybody who has gone through trying to find a therapist, especially for a teenager, can appreciate how challenging it is. And we were fortunate in that we had good insurance, we were both educated, we knew how to negotiate. But still, it was just such a trial, and we were actually just starting to get some good foundations, and we'd found him a psychiatrist who he clicked with. Things seemed to be maybe moving in the right direction, and then he had a second attempt. This one was much more serious of an overdose, where that put him in the hospital, in the ICU for about a week. And [00:11:00] suicide is one of those things. You can't be angry at the person who's done it because it's the only choice that they thought was available to them. But I think everybody knows there's ripple-on effects to everyone. This was back in October. And I would say, thankfully, my son is in a much better place today than he was then. I think the thing that I've come to have to accept in it is that…I wanted to say there was recently, relatively recently in the news a US congressman whose son was 25 years old who had committed suicide–my son's younger than that–and I wanted so much for this to be, like, the it. This to be the last. We got it figured. Everything's okay. Everything's going to be okay. And I've realized that there's no guarantees [00:12:00] about anything. That the only thing is that he's okay today, and that has to be enough. That today he's okay, and we have supports in place, and he's working and things are moving in the right direction. But all we really have is today, and I am thankful for that.

So with the first attempt, we hadn't really reached out to family for help because it had been contained. The school knew and stuff, but it was within a smaller group. With the second one, it was just much more serious. There were about two or three days where he was conscious but he doesn't remember any of those days where he was out of it. He had what they call serotonin syndrome, and he was hospitalized. He'd get great care, but you don't know what's going to happen. So my wife has a large extended family. A lot of them are here. We got a lot of support from them. Her parents came down. A [00:13:00] lot of people were offering to help, and this seemed like an opportunity to bring my parents in, in a sort of a crisis situation where, what you always hear about, right? Family comes together in crisis, and that maybe through this we'd be able to overcome that other thing, the other problem. So my wife had actually suggested having them pick up my eldest son, who was in college, and drive him back because he was on the way from there. And so we did that, and then they brought him back.

Now, besides that, the extended family made a lot of offers for help, both financial and food and whatever. There was just a lot of support that was unasked for but was immediately given, including from my biological family as well, and thankfully a lot of prayers too. But in arranging for my parents to come, [00:14:00] they'd have normally stayed at my in-laws place. I told them there's not going to be any room there, so they may have to stay in a hotel. And they said, "Oh, that's okay," or, "We can stay with you." Anyway, I ended up arranging a hotel for them. This is while my son's in the hospital, and I paid for the hotel. And again, this is all during this, and my parents never thanked me for that. Never said, "Oh, don't worry, we can take care of it ourselves." Never paid me back for that in any of this. And again, so it's just little things, right? Little things that build up.

So there's really three events from this, three instances from this that have really led me to the place where I am now, where I really feel comfortable saying: “I don't want to have a relationship with you," or, "I'm not going to actively pursue anything like that." The first was that my wife and I were basically tag teaming at the hospital. She would stay there in the nights, then I would come there, and we were lucky that even though [00:15:00] with COVID protocols in the pediatric ICU, they would allow parents to be there. So we were fortunate that we were even able to be there. So I'd even said to my parents when they came up, "I don't think I'm going to be able to see you during this time." And they said, "Oh, that's fine. We can take care of ourselves." But my wife had come home from there and I was at the hospital. And my mom came by to pick up our kids to take them to the mall. And she just walked in the house without knocking, which for my family, maybe not such a big deal, but certainly for my wife's family. And I think for a lot of people, that's not okay to do. But my wife was standing there in the kitchen and my mom put on that same face, that iron face. And my wife was trying to make small talk and was like, Oh, virtual hug, like COVID protocol. But my mom didn't ask how my wife was, didn't ask how my son was, didn't ask. My [00:16:00] father was just in the car. She didn't call him in to come, she just stood there while my wife tried to make some small talk. And after she left, my wife called and was so, so upset about being treated that way because it's like, what have I done to deserve to be treated that way? And I think, I'm sure you can relate to this, but there's this way in which we'll allow ourselves to be treated in a way and think that it's okay but once it happens to someone that we love, it's not okay. My wife felt so stupid for having suggested my parents come and so hurt in this vulnerable time. But also, I knew that me saying anything to them wasn't going to do anything. I didn't have the energy to have that conversation and it wasn't likely to go anywhere positive anyway.

So the second thing was towards the end of the time when they were going to take my eldest back [00:17:00] to college. I texted them and I'd been in text contact with them this whole time, updating them on what was going on and any developments. And I said: “We're still switching off, back and forth. I don't think I'm going to get the chance to see you while you're here, but thanks so much for what you did and I really appreciate it.” And the text I got back from my mom was: “You don't even have 10 minutes for us?” And I didn't respond. Because what can you say? There's nothing to say. I didn't have the energy for it. I didn't, there's nothing so I just didn't. I didn't respond. They dropped off my son. And then my mom texted me and said they dropped him off. And I think that I maybe communicated a little bit about how my other son was doing via text. And I was in similar communication with my sister, updating her a little bit. But then my son had come home, and it's [00:18:00] this second shift from the crisis of is he going to live to what next? The problem still exists and how are we going to get help? But one weight is taken off and you feel the effect of it. So I was like, I don't have it in me to keep people updated on this thing. There were only a couple of people who I was even talking to, and I'd shared all this information with my biological family. They had been respectful like, When you want to tell us, tell us, but we're not going to push you for this. But my sister was like, Oh, I'm so worried about your son. Can you update me? And I just was like, Yeah, he's doing okay. Thanks for asking. And I haven't heard from my sister since then. I said that, and there was no response back. So anyway, a couple of weeks later, I hadn't been in contact with my parents either, [00:19:00] but I got a similar text from them saying: "Could you update us on your son's status?" Just that. No “How are you doing? How's everything?" No concern for their actual son, right? But just, Could you update us on this? And I didn't respond because, again, it just felt like such a slap in the face and it didn't have any purpose. So it was really from those things where I was like, Okay, I'm done.

So all of this happened at the end of last year, of 2020. I teach at a community college, and through this I finished my semester. But when the next semester was about to start, I just... Anybody who's a teacher in these times, it's stressful and there were a lot of other things going on, and it just seemed overwhelming. But I ended up taking family medical leave and took a 12-week leave of absence. [00:20:00] So this is something in the United States that you can get to take care of a child. You don't get paid. It's not like that, but, at least, you can do that and you can keep your benefits and you can keep your job, so that was fortunate. And during that time I've gone back to therapy. And there's two things really that my therapist has really helped me with in feeling more comfortable about my decision to just pull back. And the one thing was, she talks about the power of “and,” because one of the problems I always struggled with with my parents was that there's good parts to them. There's nice things that they do. There's positive things that they do, and I always felt like when I was upset that either they had to be horrible, awful people or they had to be good people, that it was this choice. And she was saying, get used to using the word “and.” Like my parents are good; they do a lot of good things. And they're horrible in a lot of ways. Both of these two things can [00:21:00] exist. And so in viewing that, the decision that I make is based on both these things exist. Just because they do something nice for me doesn't mean I have to continue having a relationship with them. That the decision is mine to make. The second thing that she said that was really helpful was, think about if someone said this to your children. And I think for those of us with children that resonates immediately. If somebody treated my kids the way that my parents treat me, I wouldn't have it. It's completely unacceptable. There's no question. When it's happening to me, maybe, I don't know. Maybe I deserve it. All of those things that go through your mind. But when you start thinking about whether you would let this happen to someone else, it really changes your perspective. That has helped give me a lot of confidence in being like, "You know what? I need to take care of myself."

One of the things you did in your first estrangement podcast, I think that you [00:22:00] asked a question later on towards the end where you said: "Do you miss them?" And she said, No, I don't feel I miss them. And I forget if she said this, but this is something that I feel: I miss the idea of them, right? And I think that she might have said the same thing. I miss the idea of having parents who are caring and supportive and who care about me and who are concerned about my life. I miss the idea of that, but that's not the nature of the relationship that I have with my parents. It is what it is, but it's not that. Because my wife asked me that same question, too, and it was the same as what I came to with my biological mother. No, I don't miss that. I wasn't getting anything from it. I was giving a lot because I felt responsible, because I felt like I should be doing this. And certainly for those of us who are religious, sometimes that weights us down because religiously, [00:23:00] particularly in Islam, there's this, not deification, but there's this raising of parents of when they get old, don't be angry with them. And you're supposed to be a good son, all of this weight on you. But you get to a point where this is not helpful. This relationship is not a useful relationship. I'm not getting anything out of it, and it's actually harmful for me. And if it's harmful for me, then it's harmful for my family. It's harmful for my wife that she doesn't fully have me because there's this part of me that's trapped worrying about my parents or of that monkey. There's that monkey that's over there grabbing that spiky monkey. And that has helped me, that has helped me a lot in accepting my decision and not worrying about what's going to happen in the future. Are you going to regret this or any of those things? But to just really focus on I don't like the way [00:24:00] you're treating me. The way you're treating me is not acceptable. I don't have to explain it. I don't want to hang out with you. I don't want to be around you. And in a lot of ways, my parents make it easy because they're not proactively reaching out to me. And I'm also lucky in that–your children are a little bit younger than mine–my children are all teenagers in high school. Their relationship with their grandparents has already happened. They have a relationship with their grandparents, and if they choose to cons- continue it, it can go on without me. So I feel like I've done that already, so I don't also have that additional weight that I think especially people who have small children might feel. And especially when you have small children and you need something from your parents in terms of them taking care of your kids. So that, and I haven't actively talked about it with my children but certainly their relationship with my parents is separate from mine, and they can have one if they choose [00:25:00] to, but I just choose not to.

Haley Radke: I'm curious about that for you then. What's it like for you watching them have a relationship with your parents? Or is it so the token kind of maybe phone call on your birthday sort of thing?

Justin: It’s that.

Haley Radke: Okay. Okay.

Justin: Yeah, it's that. There isn't much there. There isn't much there. So the relationship wasn't much more than that beforehand either. A birthday call or the birthday gift and stuff like that. So yeah, the great thing is that they all have their own phones so it doesn't involve me at all.

Haley Radke: So you don't have to see it.

Justin: Yeah.

Haley Radke: Oh, man. Wow. Thank you for sharing. You've gone through a lot of challenging things, and answered questions that I had in my head for you. You just answered. So I appreciate that very much. Something I found fascinating, maybe this will be the question that I wrap us up with and then we do our recommended resources. But you mentioned this actually a couple [00:26:00] times, that we allow ourselves to be treated in a certain way, but we're not going to allow someone we love to be treated that way. It's easier for us to step outside ourselves and see it for someone else and not ourselves. What does that mean to you as an adopted person? And I'll just speak for myself that I've had a couple of different therapists point out to me that maybe you hate yourself. There's some self-loathing. Like, oh, I know it doesn't feel good, but the way we allow ourselves to just be trampled on, but then you see it happen to someone you love and you're like, "Whoa, that's not okay."

What does that mean for you to make that observation about yourself?

Justin: I think that for me as an adoptee there was a point in time that abandonment or the potential of getting in trouble with my parents or with [00:27:00] an authority figure, as well, was tied to a fear of death. So that fear, it wasn't that you were just upsetting this person. It's like the potential is that you could die if these people abandon you. But that would be my connection with the adoption world. And I'd mentioned before that feeling I had when I changed my name and there was all this conflict. Really, it was like an abject terror of I don't know how I will continue to exist if this happens to me. I think there's different levels of that with different people. But for me, it's been really helpful being able to step outside myself and to put other people in my position, rather than myself in other people's position.

Haley Radke: Thank you for sharing your story.

Justin: You're welcome.

Haley Radke: I'm sorry for your losses, your [00:28:00] brother and your father, and thinking of your son and hope he makes a full recovery and finds healing. Is there anything else you want to share with us before we do recommended resources? I know you've listened for a long time. You've gone through the wringer with us. Is there anything you want to say, especially just to adoptees like yourself, that you think they need to hear?

Justin: No. But the thing that I do want to say, and I know a lot of people say this to you, but the resource that you've provided to the adoptee community is invaluable because there's something about hearing another person, an inexpert person telling their story that is so powerful that I don't think that you can get from reading books or research-related things. But that you've created this space and at a cost to yourself in that you put yourself out [00:29:00] there for the bullets, right? For the arrows and the stuff. And not just you, all of the people who are working in the adoptee space. I follow people on Twitter and just hearing of, like, why are you being mean to these people? And just to stand up and say something just gives so many other people courage to say something. And that I've always secretly, like you said, I've been listening since the beginning. I've always secretly wanted to be on the show. But this was an opportunity where I felt like I could give something back, and I feel that for me, you deserve and everybody else deserves– Other people are standing up. If we can stand up a little bit and give back in whatever way we can, I would encourage everybody to do that, particularly to support your show. Because the Patreon group is really a nice community, a safe community [00:30:00] to be a part of. It's a good way to give back. Even if you never go on it, just write it off on your taxes, right? As charity.

Haley Radke: I'm not a charity. So if I was American, I think that would be easier to do that. But thank you so much for those kind words. I agree, there is such power in sharing our stories, and I think my pinned tweet is, I don't know, you can fact-check me on what it is. But it's something to the effect of: Do you really know the adoptee in your life? Do you actually know their story? Because people will, the doubters will always say: “Well, I know so-and-so is adopted, and they're fine.” It's just this offhanded, ridiculous thing people will say to us. It's like, really? Like, how do you actually know their intimate feelings about the impact adoption has had on their life? You couldn't possibly unless you were a safe [00:31:00] enough person for us to share it with.

Justin: Or unless they're ready to share because I think so many of us aren't ready to really analyze ourselves.

Haley Radke: Absolutely. And so there is a huge cost to someone like Justin and my other guests in sharing these very difficult things. So I appreciate it so much that you're willing to share. Okay, what did you want to share as a resource with us today? I was going to just say, Oh my gosh, all that stuff that your therapist said, that's good. Write that down.

Justin: It is good stuff, yeah. The thing that I was going to share, I've gotten a lot of different therapy books over the year, but there's a book called Self-Therapy. I forget the person who wrote it.

Haley Radke: Jay Earley, E-A-R-L-E-Y.

Justin: Yeah. And anyway, I think nothing can really compensate for having a good face-to-face therapist, someone with whom you have a good relationship and who understands you and [00:32:00] what your issues are. I think you're going to talk about Internal Family Systems, but it was something that gives you another way of looking at yourself and working through things and seeing things in a different way. And particularly because of the fact it can be so challenging finding somebody who fits with you, I think that it's a very structured book that you can work through. I didn't finish it. You work through it however much you want. My wife had the physical book. I had the audiobook. I just listened to it, and it was helpful for me. She preferred doing it by hand. But I think both ways are helpful and useful.

Haley Radke: Thank you. It says, Self-Therapy: A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS. And yeah, you mentioned Internal Family Systems therapy. We actually had an IFS therapist on. Actually, she's been on a few times. [00:33:00] But she has a really good description of what IFS is in Episode 69, so you can go back and check that out. And then in Episode 71 she talks about IFS with romantic relationships.

Justin: Oh.

Haley Radke: We were in the Relationships Series way back in the day, which apparently you've listened to for years.

Justin: Yes.

Haley Radke: And then if you want to learn more about IFS, Dr. Richard Schwartz is the creator, and the website's ifs-institute.com. And go do your deep dive. I think it's fascinating. And, we, Justin and I, were just talking about how sometimes we can extend love and protection for someone we love but not necessarily to ourselves. And just a little brief into IFS is if we're looking at ourselves, at different parts that could be different ages, perhaps it's easier for us to extend compassion and love to our younger self, to picture yourself as a [00:34:00] child and to extend compassion that way. That's like a nice easy way in. It's not easy. But like a little bit of an in towards loving ourselves. So I can tell you've done a lot of different work in therapy. So I appreciate you bringing that to us and yeah, I encourage people to, I don't know, like we just can't do this on our own. I just don't think it's possible. And so I hope that you guys are finding supports and if that's adoptee friends or an adoptee- or adoption-competent therapist, or you are actually looking into healing in various ways, like I really hope you're able to do that. I don't usually do this, but I asked Justin before we started recording: "Do you have some words for when we're done?” because this was really hard stuff to talk about. So thank you. Thanks for opening that up and for being willing to share. Now, is there a place we can connect with you online? [00:35:00]

Justin: Yeah, the reason we laugh is, we talked about this before. I've made the decision, I have a very easily findable last name, and just mainly for protection for my parents, I'm choosing not to. But if you would like to connect with me, you can donate to the Patreon and be part of the Facebook group there. Which, again, I encourage anybody to do.

Haley Radke: Thank you. In fact, I discouraged him from saying that.

Justin: Yeah. That is true. That is true.

Haley Radke: But that's very kind of you. And I have found your wisdom through the years– you've been in there from, I think, when I started–to be so encouraging and helpful. So I hope people do find a way to connect with you. I'm sure they can find you other ways too, but that'll be the public way. And so thank you so much. I really appreciate you sharing your story with us. [00:36:00]

Justin: Thank you so much.

Haley Radke: No one ever accused us of not talking about the hard things. I feel so honored that Justin felt safe to share his story with us. When I think about my listeners and how much they've been through, sometimes I don't even know the extent, like, I just couldn't even possibly imagine the extent of things that are happening for you right now. So I'm thankful for real talk. I'm thankful for going there, even though it's hard to listen to, knowing that we're not alone. Perhaps you're listening and you think, Oh my gosh, I can't believe someone else went through the exact same thing I'm going through right now. So I hope you feel seen and [00:37:00] connected.

I also am just blown away by the amount of listeners who have been supporting the podcast. I couldn't do it without people like Justin, people like you supporting the show monthly. There are a lot of costs behind the scenes of making a podcast like this, helping it to sound very nice in your ears, helping it to be easy to understand, easy to find online. So we want to find more adoptees who have never heard of adoptees experiencing the ups and downs of reunion or the challenges of relationships with adoptive parents, or have never heard of an adoptee who's a therapist. What is that? We want to find those adoptees who are feeling lonely and not connected. And with your monthly support, the show can grow and find more and connect more adoptees together into community. So a giant thank you. [00:38:00]

If you want to join them, adopteeson.com/partner has the details of how you can sign up. I'm just so honored to have been able to share this story with you and thankful for those of you who support the show and let me have this as a job. Not in my wildest dreams could I imagine being an adoptee advocate full-time. So thank you.

And thank you for listening. Let's talk again next Friday.

174 [Estrangement Series] Justin Part 1

Transcript

Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/174

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Haley Radke: [00:00:00] You're listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is episode 174, Justin. I'm your host, Haley Radke. I am honored to be able to bring you Justin's story in two parts. Make sure you're subscribed or following the podcast to make sure you catch part two next week.

Justin was labeled difficult to adopt because he was biracial. He tells us he never had an interest in finding his biological family until he attended a very interesting week-long therapeutic workshop. Before we start, I want to give you a trigger warning. During Justin's story, we are going to mention death by suicide and also discuss suicide attempts by a child. So if you know those will be harmful for you to listen to, I want you to honor that nudge your body's giving you to push pause and come back when you're feeling safe and have [00:01:00] supports in place to listen with or find another episode that will be a better fit for you. Stick around till the end because I want to let you know about some important activism work you can participate in today that will make a huge difference for your fellow adoptees.

Let's listen in.

I'm so pleased to welcome to Adoptees On, Justin. Welcome, Justin.

Justin: Thank you. Thanks for having me.

Haley Radke: Would you start out and share a bit of your story with us, please?

Justin: I was adopted at about a month old into a family. I have an older sister who is two and a half years older than I am and she's a biological child of my parents. The story my parents always told about my adoption, it wasn't about inability to conceive or anything like that, and it wasn't religious. But it was just my mom always said, "We always wanted to adopt," and that always [00:02:00] stuck in my craw as not a very satisfying answer for me. And it was something that I pursued on and off talking to my mom to get more clarity on that. And recently, in the past few years, I did get a little bit more clarity on that. I think that literally is the reason why they adopted, that they wanted to adopt, but it was more of a maybe it's a good- thing-for-the-world moral sort of thing. I don't have any confirmation that's really true, but the thing that makes me feel it is that they chose to adopt from the group of difficult-to-adopt children. So that included disabled children, and that included siblings adopted together, and then that also included biracial or Black children. So that was the group that I was in. And I think initially they decided against adopting a disabled child because the plan [00:03:00] was to live overseas and travel to third-world countries, and with the medical issues, they might not be able to do it. And then I know that they were offered a group of siblings and they did turn down that, and then they eventually adopted me. I know that they had some issues, not I think so much with their family, but with adopting outside of their race. I know that at least one person inside the adoption agency or the adoption process said something about whether it was–not ethical– but whether it was a good idea to adopt outside their race. So I always was brought up knowing that I was biracial, knowing I was adopted, but also being made to feel good or positive about that. I always had a positive feeling about my Black self. And my parents, more specifically my mother, made an effort to make me feel positive about that. [00:04:00] The downside was that as a child I didn't really live in the US very much. While there was a lot of ethnic and cultural and social–there's a lot of diversity–there weren't a lot of mirrors so I didn't grow up with a lot of African American people in my life. So then, as a result, I didn't really come to dealing with those issues until I went to college, the issues of race and identity. Because in living overseas, I was a foreigner, so even though my parents and I obviously looked very different and were of a different race it was like you're whatever, you're all weird. And we got to be all categorized together. So it was less of an issue until later.

Haley Radke: So did they end up going to developing countries, like multiple different countries?

Justin: Yeah. My parents were both professors. They both got their PhDs, and one of the first countries that we lived in was [00:05:00] Zambia, in Southern Africa. This is in the mid-'70s. So not a developed place by any means. Then we were in Thailand, and then I ended up in high school in Malaysia, which was much more developed. But I think that they were right that those places really wouldn't have supported having someone with high physical needs or something like that. And there was a lot of moving back to the US in between these countries, so there were touches of home, as well. But as far as interest in adoption or curiosity about my own adoption, I didn't really have an interest in terms of my figuring out who my biological family was. Really, I don't know. It just wasn't something that came up a lot. When I was 16 years old, my mom had gone back to the States [00:06:00] because her mother was sick, and she got some non-identifying information from my birth mother. I guess there was an update, and she'd sent this information to the adoption agency. There wasn't a lot there in the medical information because she was actually adopted too, so she didn't have…

Haley Radke: Your first mother was also adopted?

Justin: Yeah, she was adopted as well. She didn't have a lot there, and there was nothing from my birth father in there. I actually still have those documents; I was looking at them recently. But I remember from the time two things standing out from it: One thing is that she wrote on it is that during her pregnancy she smoked two packs of cigarettes a day, and she wrote next to it, "Sorry." And fortunately, thankfully, I didn't have any health issues associated with that, so that's fortunate. The other thing that she wrote was that she was obese, and I [00:07:00] bring that up–it's something that sort of shames me to say–but I think that was part of... I don't know if things would've been different if she hadn't written that, but it certainly was part of my not being interested in meeting her. Because growing up I'd been a little bit of a chubby kid. It was made a big deal of in my family. And when I go back and I look at photos of that time and what I actually looked like, I'm surprised now that it was such a big deal because I don't look like it was that big of a problem.

Haley Radke: You look like a normal kid.

Justin: Yeah. But as a result, I had a lot of self-esteem issues and body image issues because I associated that with something wrong with me that wasn't acceptable in my family. My adoptive family is not a super fit, super thin group. It's not like that. It was just something that I was singled out for. [00:08:00] So at that time or around that time I never really thought about meeting her. But one thing that I did want to bring up was that in a lot of the adoption stuff that I've read and heard and listened to, the focus is really on the biological mother, so that even when you're hearing an adopted guy talking, a lot of it is like, "Oh, yeah, finding my mother." And I never really had that. I think growing up I had a good relationship with my adoptive mother, and maybe that was part of it. I think my curiosity was always about my biological father. And I think a part of that, again, was because he was the one who was Black, and I was brought up in a white family. So it was this other part of my identity that I was more curious about than him. But the fantasizing was always related to him. And I actually found out, I think when I was in high school or junior high, that... Do you know who Kareem [00:09:00] Abdul-Jabbar is?

Haley Radke: Yes.

Justin: Okay. So he actually played for the Milwaukee Bucks. I was born in Wisconsin. So he played for the Milwaukee Bucks in the '70s before he went to the Los Angeles Lakers. So I thought, you know, maybe that's my father.

Haley Radke: You don’t know. He could be. Sure.

Justin: Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Haley Radke: Were you tall?

Justin: I wanted to be tall. All of this played into it. But no, he wasn't my father.

Haley Radke: Oh.

Justin: But that was like the extent of my sort of fantasy life for that. So I graduated from high school overseas and then came back to the States for college. And then after college, I was adrift, as I think a lot of us are or were. And I was actually staying with some friends of my parents, who enrolled me or recommended that I get enrolled in this therapeutic workshop that they had done, this week-long therapeutic workshop [00:10:00]. I don't know if it still exists. It was called the Hoffman Process at the time. But the focus of it is really on intensively working with issues that you have with your parents to break free and grow. And both of these friends of my parents had done it, and they encouraged me to do it. As part of the process, before you even go, you have these pages and pages of questionnaires that you have to fill out for each parent. So individually, you have to fill out for each parent and send them in before you go. So I did all of that. I went to the workshop, and got assigned a therapist. Each person is assigned a specific therapist to work with them. It's mostly done in groups, but you'd have a therapist who would walk you through it or track you through it. [00:11:00] And I went on the first day, and the therapist said to me, "We need you to fill out all of this paperwork for your biological parents as well." And I said, "I don't know them." And he said, "Yeah, I know. It doesn't matter. Just do the best you can to fill it out. So just completely out of your imagination, fill out this one." And I don't think that this was unique to me. I think this was what they would do whenever someone was adopted, but I was the only adopted one in this group, and there were maybe about 20 of us who were there. So the actual work of this, or a big part of this work, was you would work on individual issues with each parent at a time. And as part of this work, they gave you this plastic baseball bat and a pillow, and you would be smacking that pillow as you worked out these issues. It sounds funny. There's lots of different therapies, and it was effective. A lot of this was done in a group setting, but I was always there longer, right?

Haley Radke: You had four to deal with instead of two.

Justin: Yeah, I had my two other parents that I had to whack away at, these other [00:12:00] issues. And the funny thing was that they actually wanted me to focus more on my biological parents. The second group was working with my adoptive parents, but the real focus was on my biological parents, which was interesting because I'd never thought of it that way.

Haley Radke: Can I tell you, I am stuck on you having to fill out the paperwork for them. And I'm like, did you picture Kareem in your head? Like, how did you? Honestly, I'm still stuck on that.

Justin: Yeah, and this is the '90s, so it was paperwork, right? It wasn't Adobe Acrobat: click, click, click. It's like going through these things. Yeah, no, I just made up things. I don't know, maybe they're like this, maybe they're like that. I don't think I thought of any specific person. I don't think Kareem was in my head at that point in time. But he might have been.

Haley Radke: Okay, so focusing in on them. What did that do for you?

Justin: The process was helpful [00:13:00], but the actual reason I bring it up is that the end of the whole thing, the culminating event once you finish this thing, was that you were supposed to dramatically find a time to meet with each of your parents, individually, and tell them that you love them. That was the culmination that brought it all together, right? And so I was always–still to a lot of extent am–a big rule follower and a big completionist. You give me a task, and I'm like, "I gotta get it done." So I was like, "I guess I have to find my biological parents," Right? Okay. That's part of the thing. And I think that in a way I was lucky in that because in hearing about other people searching for their biological parents and hearing about the people agonizing about writing the letter and what should I say and should I send it and how can I not seem needy. None of that was really on my mind because I was like, I got this job to do. I gotta finish, I gotta finish these things, so we'll see. [00:14:00] But I also had the benefit–

Haley Radke: I'm sorry. I've never heard anyone tell a story like this. I'm just... If you could see my face. Okay? All right. They convinced you. They convinced you to search.

Justin: No, really, a thing I am still working on is that you don't have to follow all the rules. You can cut some corners here and there. But it was beneficial in that I wasn't super emotionally invested in the outcome of it. I also had the benefit of when my bio mother had sent the medical information, something in there said that she wanted to meet me if I ever wanted to meet her. So there was that. So I get done with this and I'm in the city where I was born, so I contact the Catholic social services, where I was adopted through, and say I'm interested in meeting these people and can you help me? And they said, Yeah, we [00:15:00] have to get permission from both of your parents, though, before we can release any information. So you just sit tight and we'll get back to you. I had the expectation that it was going to take a while. A month later I got a letter from them saying both of them want to come and meet you. So we met. We met, and I was actually really fortunate in a way in that I met both of my biological parents at the same time. They were not married to each other, and they probably hadn't seen each other for 20 years or more. But I was staying with these family friends, and then they came there and we met.

Now, my adoptive parents were still overseas, and I kept them abreast of all of what was going on, and they were supportive in that way. But my parents have always been distant in that they weren't people who were good to go to in an emergency [00:16:00] for helping out with things. And there was a sense that you should be independent and take care of things for yourself. And so I didn't ever really think about asking. I involved them, but it was my thing that I was doing. I was doing my thing.

So the reunion with my bio parents was a good experience, overall. So this was in my mid-20s, yeah, early 20s. With my mother, it was always difficult. From the very start, it was difficult. As I mentioned, she was adopted, too, and hadn't met any of her biological family, so I was the only biological family. And she's a very impulsive person and she's also not very good with boundaries. I always felt afraid of being overwhelmed by her. She's also very effusive and loving, but in a way where you need to back up. And [00:17:00] I think that from the beginning to the end it was always really, really hard for me. But I felt a responsibility to be part of her life. And so she came to my wedding. She met my kids. She met my wife. We had a relationship for 20 years or something like that. And then recently, in the past–who can remember time anymore with the pandemic? I don't know, was it last week or five years ago, right? But in the recent past, I was in communication with her, but just via text because talking with her was just hard. It was just emotional and hard for me and whatever. And that was not enough for her. It wasn't satisfying for her, and she felt very frustrated that I wasn't giving her more. And there was a series of drunk texts on her part, not on my part, [00:18:00] to me that said some inappropriate things, including "Oh, your father had wanted an abortion." I think the thing she said when she apologized was, "Oh, we always hurt the people we love," as though that was an excuse. And anyway, basically it came to a head where I said, "I'm done. Don't contact me. Don't contact my family. I'm done." Which has been a good thing. It has been a good thing for me, and it's also been a good thing for my wife because I'd pushed off on my wife a lot of the responsibility of interacting with her because my wife got something out of the interaction which I didn't get.

So with my birth father, it was always a lot easier. We were a lot more similar. I definitely have some similarities, especially the impulsiveness, with my bio mother, but just personality-wise. His family says [00:19:00] this about hand mannerisms, ways of talking, personality. We were just very similar. And he was always really supportive of me but not invasive. And I even pushed him on some things. You know how we do this testing of people, right? And he was always there. He was always there, and he never pushed away through that. He wasn't adopted, and he was married to someone else and had four other kids. He had a son. He had adopted his stepson. His wife had a child when they got married. Then he had two children with his wife, and then he had another son that was a product of an affair, and that son was someone who I ended up comparing myself to a lot because his mother was also white. My two siblings, my two sisters and my stepbrother are Black. Both their parents are Black. And he grew up away. He always knew who our [00:20:00] father was but there were just issues. His mother took him away, and he grew up separate from his father and didn't really reconnect until he was a teenager. And he looked a lot like me. We looked a lot alike. But he had a lot more difficult life than I did. He grew up in different places around the US. He struggled with drug addiction and other issues growing up. And I actually only physically met him about three times, even though I was in contact with him for a long period of time. But because his life was out of order, there wasn't an even playing ground on which we could meet as equals. I always felt that we weren't at the same places in our lives and it was hard to connect in that way. And unfortunately, the times that I did meet him were sort of crisis events. Not crisis events, but my [00:21:00] wedding was the first time I met him. So like the day before I got married, he came and there were other things going on. Unfortunately, a few years ago he succumbed to his depression and committed suicide, which was obviously a very, very sad thing. I wasn't super close to him so it would be different than that kind of experience, but having someone who you compare your life to and then having that happen, them making that choice or feeling that they have to make that choice.

Haley Radke: I'm very sorry.

Justin: It's just sad. It's sad. With my father I had a good relationship. Again, he was at my wedding. He met my kids, and there were interactions and stuff like that. And we had a good relationship, if not super close. It was always there in the background. He was always someone who I could call up if I needed to. Unfortunately, a few years ago he had a stroke. He recovered from the stroke and while he was in the [00:22:00] nursing home–I guess they're supposed to put something on your legs to prevent clots from forming–a clot formed in his leg and went up to his brain and he died even after recovering from the stroke. That was actually before the death of my brother. But I don't regret; I had a lot of time with him and I got a lot out of that experience, but it's certainly something where, now, there's times where I really feel like, yeah, I wish... Because he was someone who was reliable, he was someone who I could turn to. But I'm super fortunate in that one of my sisters lives here, and I'm very close to her, and she's someone who's always super supportive. And I have an uncle who is also very supportive who I'm close to, and the larger family is amazingly supportive. They're the kind of family where they show up. Something happens, everybody's there. There was a surprise birthday party for one of my aunts. I think I was the only one who [00:23:00] didn't go. And lots of people in the extended family show up. So that's like a blessing. That's a blessing for me.

Moving now to the sort of estrangement thing. For me, I think the real rupture with my adoptive parents happened around the birth of my first son. At the time, I made the decision to add my biological father’s name to my name. This was a religious decision. I'm Muslim, and interestingly enough, there is a story in Islam about adoption, about the prophet. He had someone...This is bad. He was his slave, but yeah, okay. But he ended up adopting him because he didn't want to go back to his father even though the prophet said, You can go back to your father. He said, I want to stay with you and he changed his name to the prophet's, the family name of the prophet. And there was [00:24:00] actually a revelation that said: Don't do that. Children, even if they're adopted, they need to keep the names of their family. And so he changed his name back. So you can imagine, as an adopted person, as someone who's found your biological family, how powerful that story is for you. So I made that decision through a lot of thought and trying to broach it in a way that would be good, but it wasn't. All hell broke loose in my adoptive family. My father literally had a nervous breakdown. He told me later that this was just one thing of it, that he felt, like he felt it coming on. I guess he's had episodes like this before. But it certainly seemed to be a spark for it. And, as a result, my sister and my mother closed ranks around him, and it was very much, You're a horrible person. Why are you [00:25:00] doing this? How can you do this? And everything I tried to do to explain it away, to explain why I'm doing it, that it wasn't accepted.

Haley Radke: And I just want to be clear: you added a surname.

Justin: Yeah.

Haley Radke: You weren't like, Oh, I'm completely removing your surname. You added an extra surname.

Justin: Yeah, and my sister had gotten married and changed her name, right? But this is societally acceptable, right? So anyway, my sister was actually also a Muslim and a convert as well. I'd actually come to the religion through her and through her family, and she completely cut me off. She even sent a religious authority to me to explain why I didn't need to do what I wanted to do, which was a horrible conversation for me because it's just this piling on of this thing that seems super important to me, and telling me: Well, you don't need [00:26:00] to do that. You should respect your parents and stuff like that. Things never have really recovered with my sister. We were living in the same city, and she wouldn't see me. We had our child. She didn't come, didn't do anything. Four months later she was actually pregnant, and I went to the hospital with my parents who I'd reconnected with, and she was so pissed at me, and even to this day is pissed that I came to be there when her child was born, when my niece was born. And then, we actually ended up leaving the country, and then by the time we came back to the country, they had left and my sister still lives overseas. So we’d see each other every couple of years but it's never really resolved itself in any way. My parents also made the decision to not come when my child was born, to come and see him. And I remember calling from the hospital after he was born, calling my mom to tell her, and it was [00:27:00] like talking to a stranger. She was just very much, "Oh, I'm very happy for you. That's nice for you." As though it didn't involve her. But my mom has this way–and I'll mention this later–of just putting up this screen of this unemotional face of I'm not going to give you, I'm not going to be vulnerable. You can say whatever you want, but I'm not going to be vulnerable. And it was that same voice that I heard on there. A couple months later they did come up and we did have a conversation about it, but basically in this time–and I'm sure that you can relate and a lot of people can relate to how this felt to me and how it would feel to a lot of people–I was petrified that I was going to be disowned. I really thought that I was going to be completely cut off from my family. And it was a [00:28:00] physical terror. Completely illogical terror. This body terror to it. So the need to reconnect was very, very strong with me. I don't know if you know about this experiment, but I remember in college reading about these monkeys that they tested. Do you know what I'm talking about? About the spiky monkeys?

Haley Radke: Yeah, it's Harlow's monkey.

Justin: Right, and that image of me, because it's been years of me going back and grabbing that spiky monkey, and it was that same kind of thing because it was like, it was death, right? It's survival or it's death if you get abandoned. It's like that. But anyway, we had a conversation with my parents and the agreement, I guess, that we came to or what they were willing to do is they basically said: The person that you were before this is dead. We [00:29:00] don't recognize you, the person you are now connected to that person that you were before. We're divorced. And so the way that we're going to move forward is afresh. So we're not going to talk about anything from that past, but we'll start over and we'll build from this. So it was basically–and this was my parents' kind of way of dealing with things–but it was basically like, We're done. We're not going to talk about that anymore. Let's move forward. And those were the terms on which we restarted a relationship of sorts. And it was basically what I went along with for 15 years of "Okay, I'm not gonna bring these things up. I'm not gonna bring any of these things up."

Haley Radke: Meaning you couldn't talk about your reunion at all.

Justin: It wasn't that. They didn't have an issue with my reunion. But I certainly didn't feel comfortable talking to them about it because anything negative that I would say–I have plenty of negative things to say about [00:30:00] my biological mother–but it felt like I don't want to share that with you because you're not being vulnerable with me. It wasn't so much that. It was just specifically in terms of the name and in terms of what happened at that thing, that they didn't want to talk about any of that.

Haley Radke: It's the name. All of it's the name.

Justin: Yeah. And it's interesting about my father because I learned this later on that people had said some things to him when they were adopting about "Oh, you're not going to have a son to carry on your name." And in the past 10 years my father has really gotten into genealogy. And I don't know. I think it's a proxy for something else. Right?

Haley Radke: It has to be because we've said it was like you're just adding a name. Like you're not even erasing the original name. I mean, they erased your original name. So, okay, basically, there's this falling [00:31:00] out over the name, and then they come back to you and they're like, "Okay, we'll start fresh." And then you said you went along with that for about 15 years.

Justin: Yeah. And then, this is where you enter the story.

Haley Radke: Okay. I don't usually do cliffhanger stories. Just so you know, if this is the first episode you're listening to, we don't usually do that. So in Part 2, next Friday, you can hear the rest of Justin's story. We'll wrap up and share recommended resources with you as usual. Today, I want to highlight something for you if you are American, if you live in the United States.

I'm Canadian, so I can't participate, but I can give some space to this. So if you remember Episode 147 of the podcast, Anissa shared her [00:32:00] story of why she was deported from the United States, a country she was brought to via adoption. The organization that she works with is called Adoptees for Justice, and they have been working tirelessly to have a bill passed in the United States that would grant all adoptees citizenship, full stop.

And there's an opportunity during 2021 for a new bill. Y'all forgive me if I make mistakes with this, because again, I'm Canadian, but the action that you can take is, you can go to adopteesforjustice.com/supportletter. And there's a really easy form for you to fill out. You fill out your name, your contact info, and what state you're in, and they will email your representatives for you [00:33:00] to show support for a bill that will protect all adoptees from being deported and, instead, grant full citizenship.

So I really hope that you take the time to do that. I'm going to link this in the show notes, but again, it's adopteesforjustice.com/supportletter. You can follow them for more details and updates. They are looking to get 18,000 people to sign this support letter and send out these emails to your representatives in order to make a huge impact and have other politicians and legislators be able to support this bill. So we're asking for your help.

I'm asking for your help. The adoptees like Anissa who have been deported are asking for your help, and it's a really quick, fast way you can support them. So please do that [00:34:00] today. And I hope to keep you up to date with some other ways you can get active in helping adoptee rights in various ways. This is a really important one, citizenship, adopteesforjustice.com/supportletter. And if you're like, Wait what are you talking about? Make sure you go back and listen to Anissa's episode and it will blow your mind that this is happening. All right. Thanks so much for listening. Let's talk again next Friday, where we'll be back with Part 2 of Justin's story.

173 [Healing Series] Estrangement Part 2

Transcript

Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/173

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Haley Radke: [00:00:00] You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. I'm your host, Haley Radke, and this is a special episode in our Healing Series where I interview therapists who are also adoptees themselves so they know from personal experience what it feels like to be an adoptee. Today we are continuing last week's conversation about estrangement. Let's listen in.

I'm so pleased to welcome back to Adoptees On, Pam Cordano. Welcome back, Pam.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Thank you. Hi to you and hi to everybody.

Haley Radke: So I gave you a hard time last time. We're probably still going to talk about hard things.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Probably since the subject is hard.

Haley Radke: Yeah. So we are talking about estrangement, and last time we talked about some of the deeper-rooted causes for estrangement and why we would choose that. [00:01:00] Why sometimes it's our adoptive parents that choose that on our behalf. I want to continue that conversation. One of the things you mentioned was that you had a two-year estrangement from your adoptive parents. What made you decide to go back and reconnect? How did that happen for you?

Pam Cordano, MFT: I had really good reasons for choosing the estrangement, and my reasons were good enough that they could have lasted for the rest of my parents' lives. I had enough reason to have a permanent estrangement with my adoptive parents but, oh, the truth is, it cost me a lot. For me personally. Being in a state of estrangement with them cost me a lot. It wasn't so hard with my dad. He wasn't much of a parent to me and I hated him, but my mom was a mixed bag [00:02:00]. She required a lot. It was hard to be her daughter in a lot of ways. It was exhausting in a lot of ways. But there was also a kind of generosity she gave me. Like I mentioned in our last session, I was bonded to her in a certain way. I came to them when I was six months old and she kept me alive, so there was something there in me connected to, attached to her. I remember being estranged for those two years and I hated that I was so uncomfortable being apart, being that far apart from them. I was like two people at once, and I think that's often how adoptees feel. Like there's two or more parts of us that are in a terrible kind of competition. So the older, principal part of me was like, I have every right to not be in a relationship with these people. And with my mom, it was because she was still in a relationship with my dad, like what he had done wasn't so [00:03:00] bad for her that she would leave him. So she, in my mind, was betraying me. So there's that part of me that felt older and more in my head, like more principled, more in my mind. But at this very deep, young core part of me, it was unbearable to have made a break like that with them. It's like in that place where there isn't language–the younger than language place–that part of me didn't have the language even for arguments, but just felt lost and alone and frightened and untethered. I already was aware I was untethered from my biological family, but then untethered from the only people that I had any kind of family relationship with. I had my adoptive parents and me, the only child, and my mom and dad were both only children also, so I didn't have aunts or uncles or cousins or anybody. So I was on this planet alone with no family. [00:04:00] They were my only family. So there was something I felt inside of me that felt like it was really hard to be estranged.

So I did a lot of therapy in those two years and I worked really hard and I grew, but I also at some point realized: Okay, fine. I want my mom back in some limited capacity and he comes with the package. So I got more grounded in what I can really expect from either of them. My dad, nothing. My mom, not much. So that's where I was more prepared to go back into a limited kind of relationship. Because it was when I had expected things to be right, that it didn't work out. And they weren't going to be right. So I made a decision to go back in where things were not right and they were not going to be right but I still wanted a limited kind of relationship with them. And I don't regret it, which is good to know. [00:05:00]

Haley Radke: So you had a period of two years where you were fully estranged. And then did you stay in relationship with them for the rest of their lives?

Pam Cordano, MFT: Yes, in a limited way.

Haley Radke: Limited way, yeah. So here's a comment, I mentioned before in our last episode that I had asked listeners to give me some comments on if they had ever considered estrangement from their adoptive families. And so here's another note from a listener: “I have a superficial relationship with my adoptive parents. We have long periods of silence, sometimes years. I've grown to accept it for what it is now, and I'm okay with “playing along” for their egos’ sake.” [00:06:00] So when you're talking about your relationship and seeing other adoptees who do stay in relationship, what's your experience with something like this? Saying that you have a superficial relationship? It sounds like this person is doing that to protect themselves in some fashion.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Right. And so I think. with everybody in our lives, getting clear on what's actually a reality and what's actually possible and what isn't, is fundamental. Because if we're confused about what's possible, like for me to try to get my dad to take some responsibility in the breakdown of our relationship from my infancy, for which he held me responsible, I'm just going to be exhausting myself, frustrating myself. I'm going to be out of touch with reality. He's not going to do that. He's not going to get it. And then trying to get my mom to get it in her role in the whole thing, she's not going to get it. Before I could reunite with them, I had to really get clear on what was not possible so that then I could only relate where things were possible. And I think a lot of times that's what we call superficial. Superficial relationships are where only a limited amount is [00:07:00] really possible in the relationship. And so that's where we stay because the cost of a full estrangement sometimes is too hard. Other times it's the only thing that's going to work.

Haley Radke: You expressed this to me before, and I don't think we were on record then, but that something needed to change. If it isn't going to be the adoptive parents' perspective, actions, behavior, all that, then it has to be us. We have to change. And so what does that mean?

Pam Cordano, MFT: Yeah. That really is about getting clear on what really is and isn't possible. Like if our parents or families, if anybody in our lives lacks capacity in some way, it really helps us to get clear that that's just the case, and then we can make new decisions about that. [00:08:00]

Haley Radke: Yeah. So I have this quote on the superficial relationship. I have someone else that said, which I thought was really profound actually: “I'm in contact with my adoptive parents but I'm emotionally estranged.” I thought, Man, that's a good line–emotionally estranged. And the buzzword we always say is the “boundaries.” So if you're still choosing to be in relationship but it's only going to be safe for you and look a certain way–like I only allow them access to my external life and not my internal feelings, etc. I have lots of experience and notes here. Here's what I'll share about my personal experience: my psychologists have coached me for many years in relationships with all kinds of people, saying which people are in which circle of your life, [00:09:00] right? And like the outside, you're only sharing what the weather is like with these people in the big circle. And then your smallest circle, your inner safe people, they can know that inner life for us, our feelings and thoughts and like the true Haley, right? So looking at those circles, is that what you're getting at? That knowledge of which level of circle can you safely be in with your adoptive parents?

Pam Cordano, MFT: Right, and I think the process of figuring that out can be complicated. I know a lot of adoptees who just keep hitting their head against the same wall, just trying to get their adoptive parents to change and get it. So I wanted my mom to protect me from my dad, from his rage and from his rejection and from his meanness. From the time I was four, I can remember arguing and arguing with my adoptive mom to protect me from my dad. [00:10:00] I was just angry with her all the time and telling her what she should have said, what she should have done, what she's not doing right, all the time. To keep doing that was awful. But as I got to be an adult, it was better at some level than just stopping the madness and feeling the truth. And the truth is, I grew up with a scary, enraged man who didn't protect me and with a woman who chose him over me in these situations. And what did that feel like? That felt terrifying and all these terrible things. That's the feeling that's going to get me out of the repetitive pattern of trying to get her to do this thing that she's never done.

So when you talked about the circles of who can you have close in and who can you have kind of in, and more further out? When we have confusion about that we have the wrong people too close in and the right people too far out to get clear on where people really belong [00:11:00] relative to us. If we keep repeating a pattern over and over again, probably we could stop and maybe with the help of a therapist go in and feel what the problem actually feels like. And by feeling that problem–this goes back to the end of our last conversation–by really feeling the place that we're suffering and that we've been suffering and that we don't know what to do about it and the helplessness of all of that, and the grief and everything else, that is like a doorway into the power of a new decision. Then we could have different boundaries that we could actually uphold or maintain because we're not avoiding this awful feeling. We've discovered that we can feel it and we can come through it in some other way.

Haley Radke: I think, gosh, it's so easy for me to be the adoptee and to be pointing at the other people to [00:12:00] change, and coming back to, well, most people don't change. That's just the reality. Just in general. In life most people stay stagnant. And I wouldn't say that's true of my listeners because a lot of you, I know, are in therapy and are working on things and you are constantly moving forward. And so then, when we're in relationship with people who aren't doing that and are staying stagnant, coming back to Okay well, I guess my next thing is strengthening my own person and being in a place where it does feel safe that I can hold those boundaries. I think what I've heard from adoptees is like, I'm so busy working on who I really am. I don't have the capacity to be holding those boundaries to protect myself. So that's when relationship is just off the table. It's not a safe thing.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Yeah, I loved how [00:13:00] you said “strengthening my person” because the cool thing about when we strengthen our person, then we can better support estrangement that feels right to us and we can better support not-estrangement if that feels right to us. If we can really direct traffic more clearly from that hard work of strengthening our person.

Haley Radke: Here's a couple more notes from people. “I'm not estranged, but I have limited contact”, so that felt good to them. And another said: “I'm completely estranged. It was my choice and I've never felt more free.” And then a third: “I haven't considered estrangement. They're not perfect but they're trainable.” I tell you, I cackled when I first read that one. I was like, they're “trainable!” And then the last one I'm going to share is: “I am distanced from both my adoptive parents and bio family [00:14:00] because I need space to grow my own family and to be myself.” Aren't those all expressions of the same sort of thing, like all of them?

Pam Cordano, MFT: Right. What makes me so excited is when I see adoptees filling out the space of who they are, whatever that means. Whether they're full of passion about something or whether they're full of rage about something, or hope or grief. When I see adoptees filling out their own space and being more fully who they are, then I just feel like they're on the right track. That's when they're on the right track, and we can feel it when we're around people where we want to shrivel in, we want to go into hiding and put on a false face, and speak with a false voice and say false things, and say “yes” when we mean “no.” Say “no” when we mean “yes.” And we feel what [00:15:00] that feels like; it's like this shrinking in. Anne Heffron and I are teaching these Flourish classes twice a week. We have got over 50 adoptees altogether in these classes. And that is such a theme: adoptees taking up space and risking saying things and verbalizing things, finding their own voices, and that's going to be supported and not offensive or hurtful or wrong and bad, somehow.

Haley Radke: So I know we are all in very different spots, but can you teach us a little bit about when would we know–if we are already estranged–that we could reconnect? If that should even be on the table? And then what are some things that we could see that this is a no-go zone? Like this is never going to work. [00:16:00] Can you speak to that a little bit? I don't want it to be prescriptive. Because we're all in so many very unique situations, I know this will be high level, but maybe some questions we could ask ourselves to assess, to figure that out.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Well, let's see. The people I know who are estranged felt so sick from their interactions. It was like drinking poison. So sick, like more sick than they could tolerate and bear, so sick that when they would get off the phone or get away from an in-person meeting, they would have to recover and it would be hard to do the daily functioning of their lives. Like really sick. And different things make us feel sick differently. So I think that if you–meaning listeners– are feeling [00:17:00] that the cost of a phone conversation or of an in-person time together is just so terrible to your systems. And if you find yourself just wanting to cancel every time you get together with or talk to anybody or making up excuses saying you're sick when you're not, or whatever. And it just may be something to think about. Either more boundaries need to be put into place. Maybe you need a therapist to help you do that and figure that out and how to verbalize it. And, how to work with your particular parents so that you can verbalize it in a way that's actually effective and gets through and maybe minimizes drama.

But also, sometimes people just know that the only way to save myself is to get completely out. I think there's a knowing there, and it isn't necessarily an objective situation like, well, if this and that and this and that, then definitely get out. It's not external. It's internal. We know that point where it's: Okay, either we're gonna die in this situation, [00:18:00] we're gonna get sick, we're gonna whatever, or we have to get out to save ourselves. And then you asked about getting back and how do we know when to get back? Sometimes if we're doing our own work during an estranged period and we start to feel a shift in us to like, You know what? I think if she does that again, I think I could handle it. If he does this or doesn't do that, I think I could handle it differently. Maybe it's worth checking out. If there starts to be an openness inside of us, that's a sign. Or if they're also doing their work, they're writing letters and saying, Look, we're thinking about this differently. We're seeing a therapist. We're thinking about what you've said. We're understanding you differently. We're not all the way there yet, but we'd really like to open up some communication even if it's the form of letter writing or some kind of compromise. Then, you know you've got people who are willing to go through some pain to grow and change and open to reunite with you. So that's something, maybe. It depends on the [00:19:00] family, of course. But that's something. So externally, there might be some signs that some work is being done and that there's a devotion in place that might be worth revisiting. Maybe only in a therapist's office, or with a third party, or something. Or maybe very slowly. Slow is good. Slow is really good.

Haley Radke: On purpose, I chose, based on requests from listeners, like many multiple requests to talk about estrangement from adoptive parents. On purpose, this series is about that. And we've covered so many times about reunions breaking down with first families. Like so many times. And so, it's like I have a handle on that. Like, guys, do it slow. It can be a rollercoaster. It's all like ups and downs. So to hear you flip it with adoptive parents, the reconnection, it's just like we know a [00:20:00] lot of these things, and yet it just feels like such a different angle. I don't know. That's what's going through my head.

Pam Cordano, MFT: That’s true. It is a different angle. It's so similar but so different at the same time. In some ways easier, in some ways harder, it seems. Meaning we can easily make this case that we're not even related to you anyway, so who cares? It's like this is all a lie. I've heard people say that. That may make it easier, but the harder part is that there was some measure of bonding when we were too little to even have a choice about it because we had needs and they met our needs enough that we're still alive. So that's in place inside of our bodies as a thing. We don't have that with our biological families the same way.

Haley Radke: And for so many of us that did grow up in the average, safe-ish, “normal” kind of home, those people are the [00:21:00] keepers of our memories as well, right? They have the pictures and the family home videos and all those kinds of things from our childhood. So sometimes estrangement can bring out a feeling of loss of all those things, even like physical artifacts. Especially when you're searching for identity, you want to cling. Cling onto that.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Yeah, I'll take anything. Anything.

Haley Radke: Gosh, yeah, so many layers to this. I appreciate it so much. You've given us so many good insights. Is there anything that I didn't ask you about? Anything you really think we need to hear? Anything else? And again, I don't want to say estrangement is the right thing to do, or it's wrong and you really should try and be reconnecting. It's not meant to be that. We're really just talking about this so you know you're not alone, so we're making wise choices, so we're not [00:22:00] stuffing the feelings down, even though I really like to do that. Anything else?

Pam Cordano, MFT: The last thought I have is that it's terribly uncomfortable, but also possibly real and true that when we are estranged or partially estranged or emotionally estranged, neither side feels comfortable. It isn't that estrangement feels good per se, it's just that it feels less bad than being in a relationship or fuller relationship. That's part of the cost of coming out of the fog, right? It's like this feeling, for maybe a long time sometimes, that nothing really feels comfortable. When I was in my twenties or thirties, who I was at that time, I might have wanted to feel good in estrangement. I tried to feel good during my two-year estrangement. Like I had to have it be black and white in that way. But [00:23:00] the truth is, it didn't feel good. But it was for those two years until it wasn't better than being in a relationship. So I think we have to be prepared to have both sides be uncomfortable, in and out. Again, it's the same theme, Haley. Because the thing is, if we think we're going to feel good when we're finally estranged, then we could be surprised by sudden terrible feelings and then feel really sorry.

Haley Radke: I just think you're in for a rude awakening. [00:24:00]

Pam Cordano, MFT: Yeah. You're in for a rude awakening. Yeah. And sometimes, I guess, the boat has to rock a while, right? Like, Phew, I'm so glad I'm outta that mess. Finally, I'm gonna have a party. I'm gonna get a cake, and make it my anti-adoption cake, or something. And then it's like the boat rocks the other way: Oh my God, it's Tuesday, 8:00 a.m., and I'm drunk and I've called in sick. And it's like, What happened!? And then, the boat rocks again. I'm just saying it's been hard for me. That neither side feels good. Even with my parents dying and the relief I felt, it still doesn't feel good because I still went through it all. So it's hard. I like feeling good, Haley, I do. I'm just saying, but I also don't like the sneak attack of I thought I had this, I thought it was solid, and then, oh my gosh, here I am not solid again.

Haley Radke: Oh, well, now, you all know Pam loves to talk about how you feel in your body. Okay. And when I say my stomach has been churning. It's true. It's always coming back. If you don't deal with it, it's always coming back. So thank you for challenging us.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Next time you have me on the show, why don't we do a light topic? Let's do a light one next time.

Haley Radke: Well, I can give you some [00:25:00] behind-the-scenes secrets. I can do that. I have been considering how to have a show that's all jokes. Now, we don't like people making adoption jokes, but adoptees, let's tell our own jokes. I don't know. That’s been on the whiteboard for a long time because I don't know how to do that.

Pam Cordano, MFT: That's a great one. I love it.

Haley Radke: So there you go. Next time Pam will be back and telling us some jokes. So Good. Where can we connect with you online so we can learn more from you? And please also tell us about your book.

Pam Cordano, MFT: You can find me at my website, pamcordano(dot)com, and my book is called 10 Foundations for a Meaningful Life (No Matter What's Happened). I published it last January, so it's been a year and a month ago, and that's been a fun journey, for sure.

Haley Radke: Thank you for walking us through this, even though it's hard.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Thanks for having me. I've been able to see your face [00:26:00] during this conversation in the cringes and the, yeah, I know.

Haley Radke: Hey! Don't sell me out.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Poker face.

Haley Radke: It's okay. Listen, it's the whole thing. There's all the feelings. So you're listening to this and having hard feelings? I'm with you.

Gosh, I'm so thankful. So thankful for the therapists that come and show up for us and give us so many interesting things to talk about, think about. Even if they're hard, even if they're asking us to do hard things, I think it's so important. So thank you so much, Pam and the other therapists who have been on the healing series, I really appreciate it deeply. They've taught me so much and sometimes when I'm re-listening to make notes to give to my editor, I'm just like, Man, was I there? Because I feel like I'm learning this all over again. So [00:27:00] I understand why some of you download these episodes a few times to re-listen. I get it. Me too.

I just want to ask a favor of you today. If you know of an adoptee who has been experiencing some challenges in relationship with their adoptive parents, I wonder if you would share these two Healing Series episodes on estrangement with them. And again, it's not a comment on, you should break up with your parents. It's not that. It's like looking at what is healthy for us and what can we do to heal a relationship, or when do we need to know when it's not the time? So if you know someone that's been struggling with that, I think this would be really helpful to share with someone like that. So if you think of that person in your head, maybe as I was talking, and you're like, Oh my gosh, I know exactly who I should share this with! Then you can [00:28:00] teach them how to download a podcast. Not everybody knows how and you know how. So if you are able to show them where they can listen, the podcast is on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, any podcast app people like to use. You should be able to find it there searching Adoptees On. It's also on YouTube and there's no video. But sometimes just sending a link to a YouTube video is easy if someone is not used to downloading a podcast in an app. So you can find it there as well.

I'm so thankful for those of you who share the show on social media or however you do it, one-on-one, with a friend or in your adoptee support groups. I hear a lot of you talk about these episodes with your support group and kind of unpack things together, which I think is so smart, so brilliant. I love to unpack some of the things I'm trying to learn when I'm doing these interviews, so thank you for sharing in that way. And [00:29:00] you're helping build the community when you do that. So I really appreciate it.

That's it. If you want to join Patreon and support the show financially, adopteeson.com/partner has all the details. And thanks so much for listening. Let's talk again next Friday.

172 [Healing Series] Estrangement Part 1

Transcript

Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/172

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Haley Radke: [00:00:00] You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. I'm your host, Haley Radke. This is a special episode in our Healing Series where I interview therapists who are also adoptees themselves so they know from personal experience what it feels like to be an adoptee. Today we are talking about estrangement. Let's listen in.

I'm so pleased to welcome back to Adoptees On, Pam Cordano. Welcome.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Thank you. Hi.

Haley Radke: One of our all -time favorite therapists, and I love bringing you on to talk about cheery subjects. We talk about anger and all kinds of hard things and today we're going to talk about estrangement. Hey, don't you love being that cheery person to come and tell us about estrangement?

Pam Cordano, MFT: Oh gosh. It's a big topic.

Haley Radke: It is a big topic. It is. [00:01:00]

Pam Cordano, MFT: No way to make it simple.

Haley Radke: No, it's so true. It's so painful and I'm joking about it and I'll probably joke about it later and laugh about it because it's awkward, it's painful. We both have experiences with this and so it's personal. There's lots of feelings and we're just going to do our best.

Pam Cordano, MFT: So all we can do is do our best with a messy, complicated topic.

Haley Radke: I have heard from lots of us, lots of adoptees, that they are estranged. And today we're specifically focusing on estrangement from our adoptive families. Can you talk a little bit about that? I know you're in the community. I know you've heard from tons of us, myself included. You've been on the other end of that phone call.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Yeah, it's a big topic and I think that when adoptees come out of the fog and they start to become disillusioned with what's happened to them and what their own adoptions have cost them as far as [00:02:00] losing their lineage, losing their birth family, losing a culture, a country, the terms of the adoption, things they might not have been told, lies, coverups, whatever. And just to learn more about the adoption industry itself and corruption and things like that. I think that's a place where the relationship with their adoptive family can feel more unsolid and in danger than it's ever felt before. At least, it can be very stressful for their relationship with their adoptive family. But often what I hear about is much more than the word stressful. It's feeling disgusted or betrayed. These are strong words, I shouldn’t even say them, but feelings of disgust with their adoptive families or feeling betrayed by them, enraged with them. Just really needing to embark on their own journey of finding out who their first family is and possibly visiting a country that they might have been born in or been from but they've never been to before. Or just really going out and [00:03:00] embarking on this self-discovery journey to find the truth and to get grounded for the first time in a new way in who they really are and always have been, at some level. And that can just really throw a lot of chaos into their relationship with their adoptive family. So that's a point. And then of course there's a reunion where we find our birth parents and the stress and strain that can put into the relationship with our adoptive families. And it just seems like it can get very complicated and dangerous for the relationship.

Haley Radke: I've heard those things too. Those are big pain points for people and the first one you expressed, so coming out of the fog and we're learning to look at our adoption, like the real impact it's had on us and looking at it from a point of grief and loss and trauma and all those things.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Anger.

Haley Radke: Anger, yes. And then imagine expressing that to the people [00:04:00] that adopted you and thought they were doing the right thing and probably had no idea of all these external factors. We're talking to adult adoptees here from a broad range of ages. You know adoption's history. People would say things have improved. I don't know if I agree with that or not, but years and years ago adoptive parents had no idea. Maybe adoptive parents today have maybe a little bit of a better idea of ethical issues in adoption. Maybe they don't. That's a debate for another day. But imagine expressing those feelings to the people who participated in this industry.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Right. And in some ways, it can be easier to focus on the factual pieces like “What made you want to do it this way?” or “Why didn't you ask these questions?” These pieces of the story that we might talk with our adoptive parents about. But I think that the really hard thing is the underneath stuff that we don't even have [00:05:00] language for about what it has been like for us to lose our lineage and to not be with them. Most of us, all of us have a profound feeling in ourselves of being unwanted and there being something wrong with us and trying to say that to people who did everything that they could to make us feel the opposite. This rude awakening that's so deep in our own systems, and I'm sure in a way in the systems of our adopted parents too. How do we even navigate the feelings? We come out of the fog and things start to get shaky. Like how do we even navigate that with people who aren't adopted? Who could possibly understand what it's like? And so even when everyone has the best of intentions, it just puts this barrier in place. I think trying to work this out with our–I'm gonna say this: “parents.” This is part of the estrangement, right? That [00:06:00] there's a point where we can put quotes around parents. Well, which parents? And suddenly what was just a given is now a question. Are these my parents? Are these my “parents”? Are these people that I can disentangle myself from? Do I have a real parent somewhere else? Am I going to get better care and love from them? Are they going to get it more than my adoption parents do because they went through a loss with me? And wouldn't that be amazing if we could join there and my whole being could be understood and received and I could finally settle down and relax a bit and feel safe. That's like the wish, the dream. But how are we supposed to find that when everything's gone into upheaval?

Haley Radke: And then addressing that with the context of search and reunion. Adding that layer. From what I've seen, people wrote in to me and said, “Actually, I searched and reunited, but my adoptive parents were so mad. They're the ones that cut off contact.” And so I know that's not true for everyone, but [00:07:00] those feelings are so big. I think of that feeling of, “Well, now I'm really being replaced by my adopted child's first family.”

Pam Cordano, MFT: Right. And for us, we're like, “Boohoo, our whole life has been this.” Is this comparable pain? For adoptees it's often we feel like: Grow up and be parents. Be steady for us. Don't be children, be parents so we can finally get down to the truth of the pain we're in and find a way to try to start addressing it differently.

Haley Radke: In your experience, do you think we are actually having these conversations with our adoptive parents and it's leading to a strain and perhaps eventually to estrangement? Or are often these things, the unsaid things, that lead us to the path of estrangement? Because I tell you, I have had many conversations about this and I ask what was the breaking point? What was the thing? What was the [00:08:00] last thing? A few people have been like, “Oh, we had this big fight about such and such, but really it was all this buildup.” Or some people will just be like, “There was no big fight. That was it for me.” I don't know. What are your thoughts on that?

Pam Cordano, MFT: I think the same for me. I hear about big conflicts where finally there's a point in time where the heat comes out about everybody's upset about this or that, or “you never–” and “you always–.” And finally the stress and strain really just come out and shows itself in a way that feels irreparable. But normally, I think that there's just so much that isn't said or that's said in a twisted-up kind of way or in a partial kind of way. In a way that's how adoptees often grow up, not really saying the whole truth. And we're trying to stay safe and be loved. Even the adoptees I know who were the “angry adoptees” like I was and were rebellious and troublemakers. [00:09:00] We were also still making sure we had a place to sleep and food on the table. Maybe some of us get sent away to boarding school or something, but I didn't. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that so much is unsaid in the adoptee, in almost all cases that I know of, so that when things get so stressed and strained, whether it's because of reunion or whether it's because of some other event–like who knows? It could be anything–that often there isn't a practice inside of us adoptees or in our families of talking through things in a really thorough, grounded kind of way. So the explosions are much more like partial communications about things that are really important, but really charged. It’s just totally messy.

Haley Radke: So I asked on Instagram a few weeks ago when I started releasing episodes about the estrangement series. I asked listeners if they had ever considered estrangement from their adoptive parents. [00:10:00] And some of the answers were really heartbreaking to me and fascinating. I think we can learn a lot from them. One person said: “I've seriously considered it but I can't do it. Must be grateful. Face palm emoji.” Seriously considered it. So what would make people seriously consider it? We've talked about these relationship dynamics that are very hard and very painful, especially when we're finally exposing our true identity, I think.

Pam Cordano, MFT: What I hear from adoptees is that adoption feels like too much you, not enough me. Like the experience of being adopted itself: it's too much you and not enough me in the relationship. And even when adoptees are rebellious and angry, they're still organizing to this you. Their life is about rebelling from this you, or when they're being compliant and [00:11:00] grateful, they're very attentive to the you. And so when we grow up and we start getting healthier or the cost of being you-centered starts to weigh on us in different ways–we get sick or we have other kinds of problems that show up from being too you-centered in our lives– then pretty much we either get worse or we start to heal because there's a crisis there with however it's showing up. And so when people get a little healthier and they get more filled in with what's me? What do I need? There's an I in here that needs to feel seen and understood and respected and loved and cared for. When we try to bring more of our own true selves into the relationship with our adoptive parents and if it doesn't go well in various ways that's where we can feel like, “I can't do this. This is toxic for me. These people are toxic for me. I can't be comfortable in my skin when I'm around these people.” And that's what I [00:12:00] hear about a lot from adoptees with how they feel when they start to bring the range of their true selves into the relationship and where it's not received or the parents feel threatened or they're judging them in some way and not getting what's trying to be expressed. And then the adoptee can just feel like, “I'm better off without this.” Although that's just part of the picture because then there's a tremendous cost for us, also. This is opening up another related subject, but even when we leave painful or unhealthy relationships, especially with family members, it costs us a lot as adoptees. The leaving, the breaking, the ending has got its own whole host of problems that come from reliving that experience of a broken relationship. The cost of that is tremendous on us.

Haley Radke: Estrangement can seem from the outside, maybe, like an easy “quick fix.” [00:13:00] Right? Fine, that's it. I'm just ending it. But there is an intense cost, is what you're saying.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Totally. And it often comes after the adrenaline and the mobilization of “I'm outta here. I'm just drawing the line.” And calling your friends to say I drew the line. I'm done. I'm out. Yay. Good for you. I'm changing my name. Good for you. And by the way, I'm a fan of changing the name right now. I'm all about that. I'm very excited about that. I'm not knocking that at all. I'm just saying that there can be this mobilization of energy to save ourselves from this toxic situation where we don't exist enough in the relationship, but then that gets followed by a cost because–and that's not a reason not to do it–it's just to try to be thorough about the whole picture. I think that it takes a big toll on us. How could it not? Like we have the most profound experience of a broken set of relationships you could possibly have as a human being: to lose your lineage, to get separated away, [00:14:00] cut off from your lineage. So every cutoff from that point on, whether we're in first grade and we break up with a friendship or romantic breakups or whatever, they take a lot out of us adoptees because those breaks reverberate back to the beginning. And it's just like with grief, like when non-adoptees lose somebody, every grief after that brings back the first grief. That's just how we are as humans. They're all linked. They all link together.

Haley Radke: So I'm going to read another note that I got from an adoptee about this, and this is going to feel really strong. This is strong language. This is what people are really thinking on the inside and probably wouldn't say out loud. Okay.

“I wish I could leave them behind and never look back. I feel obligation only. I'm biding my time until they die, and that makes me feel overwhelming guilt. But I might be able to live my own life when they pass away.”

Pam Cordano, MFT: Yeah, [00:15:00] I hear that. I hear that from so many adoptees. And this is so taboo. We're not supposed to say these things.

Haley Radke: Can I tell you, reading that out loud made me feel guilty. I'm tearing up. I know adoptive parents listen to this podcast and I'm like, “Oh my gosh, I don't wanna hurt anybody's feelings.”

Pam Cordano, MFT: Well, the thing about guilt like what you're saying now and what that person said in what you read–what's hard is that the adoptees who I hear say this are good people. They're good people, and they're just trying to find a way to be able to breathe in their skin and in their life. They're trying to find a way they can feel like they are more comfortable in their life and in their skin. Two things are in conflict. One thing is: I need to feel comfortable in my skin. I need to feel like I belong somehow to the life I'm [00:16:00] living in a way that is not so compromised that it's just choking me and suffocating me. But the point isn't to be mean to the adoptive parents and to kill them off or to not even care when they die. That's not the point. The point is the existence as an adoptee, with so much being underground and misunderstood or un-understood, the pain of that is so hard that to imagine a time when we don't have to suck ourselves into ourselves so tight that we're not even really there to interact with people. We're just longing for that relief. So it's these two things. We feel guilty for what we're saying, but we also know that there's like a liberation that comes from–. I hate talking about this publicly. I have and I will and I hate it just because of what you just said about how you felt reading that statement. But I had such relief when my adoptive parents died. It was eight years ago that they both died close together. I'm an only child and I felt like the [00:17:00] charade is over. I am now free. I don't have any adoptive parents. Like I could say, in a way, I'm not an adoptee, I'm a person. I still am because it still affected me and it's informed my life in every way. But I was free of it and I had this feeling as if I'd been swimming across this giant ocean for 40 something years and finally I got to shore. That's how I felt when they died. Because finally I felt like a real person, like the real me. Like I was a person that wasn't eclipsed by this adoption thing that I didn't even choose for myself or want. It was liberating. But that's more about me and my own internal suffering than, “Oh, my adoptive mom was so bad.” “My adoptive dad was so bad.” It is just less them. And so the problem is if we say something like this in a mixed crowd, we can look like we're just hating on our adoptive parents. And maybe we kind of are. But I [00:18:00] really think that the point is we need to feel comfortable inside and sometimes requires a full being away from through death or through estrangement to find, “Oh, this is just me here and this is what it feels like to be just me. Like I can breathe for a second. Wow.” And then we can learn from that freedom.

Haley Radke: I appreciate what you said just there, because I think now I'm seeing a much bigger spectrum of estrangement. It's like there's some people that choose it just so they can be themselves. And there's people that choose it because of obvious abuse and horrible behavior. And then in the middle, there's the people–I don't think I've released this interview yet but someone expressed to me that it's like his adoptive parents were really good people and really good about certain things. And then they were also really horrible about certain things. Like the “both.” And so it's okay to [00:19:00] see them as both, and it just wasn't safe to be in relationship with them anymore. So this is a huge spectrum.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Yeah. My adoptive parents were not bad people. If I had been their biological child, I'm sure it would've been fine. But to not be their biological child, and then with all the complexity, my trauma, their unawareness. It was a kind of a disaster, a disaster inside of me.

Haley Radke: Let's go towards the middle of that spectrum. So yeah, your parents are good people, pretty fine, whatever, but there's things that they do that are just like eating away, I would say. So boundary crossing, things that looking back on it, you're like, “That's not great.” There's some things that are just eating away at you. How does somebody come to the point where they're like, “You know what, [00:20:00] I'm kind of done with this.” How do you come to that point? I think I've said this a couple times in this series too: I don't want to just advise everybody that they break up with their families. I'm not advocating for that either. I just want adoptees to feel like they're free to be themselves and they feel like they're in healthy relationships. Is that so much to ask?

Pam Cordano, MFT: Right. You and I want ourselves and all adoptees to feel like we have a say, that we have power in our choices, in our lives, and that we're people first, and we're adoptees second, meaning our duties–if we perceive we have duties as adoptees–those are second, or those are maybe 3,000 in the list. That we, ultimately, are people. We are humans, and we get to make choices like everybody else does. We're not servants, we're not second-class citizens. We may feel that way, but we're not. So how [00:21:00] far do we have to go? What does it take to free ourselves of feeling that other people are more important than we are? And I think that the pattern that tends to explode an adoptive family into estrangement has something to do with, well, from the adoptees I know, of them feeling like they just cannot make enough space for themselves, their authentic selves in the relationship somehow. Their needs, the depth of their feelings, their pain, the things they haven't liked, anger, all those things. If it's hard to make room for that in the adoptive families, there's jeopardy there.

Haley Radke: So another adoptee shared: “I chose estrangement because they would not respect my boundaries.” And I wonder if that's expressing what you just said there.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Yeah. Because when we don't respect someone's boundaries, we're saying that my needs are more important than your needs. I'm more important than you. That's what we're saying. So it's healthy then [00:22:00] to say that this is not working for me. So either we change something or I’ve got to step back even further. And then we have another chance to change something or I step back even further, maybe to no contact if it comes to that, if it proves to be too impossible to be heard and respected.

Haley Radke: How do I know when it comes to that point? How do I know to choose me because we're not familiar with choosing me first.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Exactly. It can really help to have a therapist involved when getting to that point of trying to discern how much distance do I need? Is this relationship threatening? Might I need to get out of this entirely? Or am I not communicating as clearly as I could be? Or am I not honoring my own boundaries as well as I could be? Or am I not speaking my own needs as clearly as I could be? How much of it is that we haven't built those skills because maybe our families [00:23:00] weren't a place where we were building those skills? Or we weren't people who were building those skills for whatever reasons? And how much of that is that this is an unworkable situation here? It's impossible for me with these people to be respected or understood or seen or cared for the way I need to be. And it's too painful.

There's that expression with alcoholism. Like when do people stop drinking? It's when the worst day sober is better than the best day drinking. There's some way that the scale tilts; there's a tipping of the scale. So it's like using coffee for this math equation, but the best day being in relationship is worse than the worst day of being out of relationship. That's when the scale has tipped and then an adoptee is just going to say I cannot handle this anymore. I need out, forget it. Done.

When I was in grad school for Psychology, I had this really amazing family therapy professor and I [00:24:00] just idealized him and I thought if anybody could help me and my adoptive parents it is him. And I convinced them to go with me to a family session, and we got in the room and my adoptive dad told this guy that the trouble in our relationship was a hundred percent my fault because as a baby I had rejected him. And the therapist spent three sessions trying to get through to my dad, just baby step by baby step. And it went nowhere, and the therapist fired us. That was when I knew I had to fire my parents. So I fired them for two years. I was a hundred percent out for two years. And then I had to change; I had to get grounded in: “Wow. That's him. It's not gonna change. That's the best he could give. And with all that help, that's the best he could give. Whoa, this is my life. This is real, right? I gotta get grounded there and cultivate some other ways of feeling connected in the world.” And then two years [00:25:00] later, I decided to go back in. I was picturing myself having a snorkeling suit and a helmet: Go back in!

Haley Radke: Okay. I want to put a pin in that because we are going to talk about that next time.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Okay.

Haley Radke: As we wrap this Part 1 up, we've talked about this overwhelming guilt. Oh my gosh, can we do this? Can we do this? I hope you can speak to this. I feel like if we are on purpose choosing and thinking through this, like we've expressed over our time together today. And we're really choosing it with an intent and purpose of taking care of ourselves. Can we alleviate some of that guilt? Because it's like: “Okay. I am putting myself first.” Because you've expressed this a couple [00:26:00] times: “Okay, that's it. Done.” And maybe for some of us, the decision is made in a split second like, “That's the last straw.” But I don't think it's that way for everyone. What are your thoughts on that as we wrap up this Part 1?

Pam Cordano, MFT: That's a really good question, Haley. Even with the adoptees I work with who are the most confident and grounded in their decision to permanently leave their relationship with the adoptive parents, families, that guilt does still linger. And they might get a call from an extended family member who tells them “Oh, your mother's in the hospital. She would really this, or she would really that.” There's still that cord connecting to this sense of it's complicated–and it's not, I don't think, just a sense of that adoptee obligation like we were saved so we have to then be grateful and devoted to the people who saved us. You know, that narrative. But also, there was some bonding. We were babies [00:27:00] and we were fed and cared for enough that we stayed alive. I talk in my book about call and response, like we called, they responded enough that we're still here. And so that in and of itself is a kind of bonding. We may say, “Oh no, I'm not bonded.” But no, there is a kind of bonding that happens when we're so young and little and we're asking for care. Even if our parents have mental health issues or are not good for us to be in relationship with, there's still enough that happened that we're alive. So it's in us in some way that it’s really hard to feel clean, to feel free and clean, really. So even the clearest people are still struggling with that.

Haley Radke: Okay. I had a big sigh because I was hoping you would give us a nice tidy answer, but fine.

Pam Cordano, MFT: No, but wait, I'll give a tiny, I do have a tiny answer. It's a hard answer, though, and I think that's going to make sense. If we do make that decision in a careful way over time and we feel like it's the right decision and we [00:28:00] still have those feelings of guilt, what we tend to want to do is like, “Ugh” and change the channel really fast, drop the guilt like a hot potato because it's so painful to feel that kind of guilt. But what we actually need to do is to lean into it because that guilt holds a lot of information for us about who we are, that we're loving people, we're caring people. We care even though we are making a decision to separate. We have hearts; we're loving people. And also that there may be a pattern that's been in place forever about being so over-responsible for the other person, for the you. But that pattern dominated us for so long. And the guilt, in a way, is also part of that too. Like it's so hard for me to put down the worry about you, to put down the anxiety I feel about what you’re feeling about my decision because I'm so you-focused. And the way to become not you-focused in part [00:29:00] is to get aware by leaning into it of how much that's dominated us and how yucky it feels. It's like going through the fire rather than trying to avoid the fire. Does that make sense? Do you get me?

Haley Radke: It makes sense, but I'm a little bit irritated with you. Not going to lie. Because putting feelings away is a little bit nicer feeling than leaning into learning what the deeper feelings mean.

Pam Cordano, MFT: I know. You know what? I was an expert at putting feelings away and thinking I could get away with it and, well, I don't believe that anymore. With my most beloved clients, I'm really working hard with them to lean into those hard places. Not to be trapped there, imprisoned there, but to get free that way. To me it's like the quickest way out of it rather than unnecessary torture.

Haley Radke: Okay, well, I guess I appreciate the challenge you're [00:30:00] giving. I'll get to a place of appreciating the challenge. Thank you for your wisdom on this. It's not easy to hear. I'll tell you the truth, it's not easy to hear.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Did you ever hear the phrase: What you resist persists?

Haley Radke: Oh, geez, yes. I'm just going to double-down like that. Okay.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Oh gosh.

Haley Radke: How does it feel to be the bearer of bad news all the time, Pam?

Pam Cordano, MFT: Very familiar. Very familiar.

Haley Radke: Oh my gosh. Well, if we want to hear more wisdom from you and maybe some hard things that we need to hear…

Pam Cordano, MFT: It'll be a year before I'm on here again. Sorry. (Laughter)

Haley Radke: No. We'll hear from you next week and then we'll see. Where can we connect with you online? And please also tell us about your fabulous book. If I had more than two thumbs, I would give, like, however many stars to your book as well.

Pam Cordano, MFT: My website is pamcardano(dot)com [00:31:00]. You can email me at pcordano(at)comcast.net. Yeah, I published my book a little over a year and a month ago, and that's been fun. Yeah. So that's how you can connect me.

Haley Radke: And what's your book called?

Pam Cordano, MFT: Oh, it's called 10 Foundations for a Meaningful Life, No Matter What's Happened. And it's a lot about being adopted and trying to find ways of healing, but it's not just about adoption. But adoption is in there from page one.

Haley Radke: It's fantastic. And we got to do a Book Club with you over on the Adoptees On Patreon, which was also top-notch. But that's behind a paywall. This is free. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it even if I give you a hard time.

Pam Cordano, MFT: Yes. Thank you. I'm so happy to be here, thank you.

Haley Radke: I am so thankful for all of the therapists who have been willing to share their time with us on the show and their wisdom and expertise. I just [00:32:00] think it's a really huge gift to the adoptee community, and I am excited that I can provide these episodes to you. You can listen again and again. There's a whole library of podcasts. This is Episode 172. So there's hours and hours of Healing Series episodes that I hope will help you feel supported in some way.

I know therapy is just not accessible for everyone, and so this is just a part of the way that I hope to provide resources to the community that are accessible in as much as a podcast could be. Even that, I know, is a stretch there. I was just talking to someone the other day about this and it's like it's a free resource and yet not everybody has access to the internet or some digital device to listen on. So I understand that even that has limitations. I digress.

Thank you so much for being here. I want to say [00:33:00] thank you to my Patreon supporters, this collective of 200 people that support the show monthly and that pay for so many of the behind-the-scenes costs of running the show and producing this resource for you. And so I'm so thankful for you guys. You know who you are. I try not to name names because some people really want to keep their privacy. And I've had quite a few of them on the podcast and that's been really special to hear more of their stories in depth.

So if you want to keep Adoptees On going and growing and reaching more adoptees around the world, I would encourage you to go to adopteeson.com/partner. You can find out more details. There are some fun behind-the-scenes things that you can have access to, like a weekly podcast where me and a co-host talk about adoption and lots of other personal things that I probably wouldn't share on the show. That's available to every single Patreon supporter. And then there's different levels. [00:34:00] There's a private Facebook Group. There's other little things here and there that you can have access to, including our Book Club that's available to every Patreon supporter. The audio recording is up for our last two episodes already, and they were really fantastic and insightful. So I try really hard to make the main feed show awesome and also for the Patreon stuff. You can support the show out of your generous heart and also get some rewards, so it's like both/and.

Anyway, I couldn't make the show without you. Thank you so much for showing up for me in that way, and I will continue to show up for you. Next week we will have Part 2 with Pam Cordano on estrangement. Thank you for listening. Let's talk again next Friday.

171 Dr. Susan Branco

Transcript

Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/171

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Haley Radke: [00:00:00] This show is listener supported. You can join us and help our show grow to support more adoptees by going to adopteeson.com/partner.

You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Episode 171, Dr. Susan Branco. I'm your host, Haley Radke.

Dr. Susan Branco is with us today, and she is a force for good in our community. She shares an overview of her story, and we get a chance to deeply focus on topics that she's done an incredible amount of work and research on. These include how counselors of color deal with client microaggressions and ensuring adoption themes make their way into the core curriculum for future social workers and therapists. Dr. Branco shares more with us about her case study of the Colombian Adoption House, which includes firsthand experiences of Colombian adoptees and what happens [00:01:00] when they find out their adoption was illicit or black market. Her passion for family preservation is evident when we go down the list of systemic problems in the adoption industry. We wrap up with some recommended resources and, as always, links to everything we'll be talking about today are on the website, adopteeson.com. Let's listen in.

I'm so pleased to welcome to Adoptees On, Dr. Susan Branco. Welcome Susan.

Dr. Susan Branco: Thank you. I'm glad to be here.

Haley Radke: I would love it if you would start by sharing a bit of your story with us.

Dr. Susan Branco: I was born in 1972 in Bogota, Columbia, and I was then adopted by North American, US parents, and I grew up outside of Philly in Pennsylvania. And I relocated to the Washington DC area for college, and I've been in this area ever since. I am recently in [00:02:00] reunion. And I dedicated most of my life to being a licensed professional counselor. I'm still a licensed professional counselor. For a long time, I had an independent practice working mostly with adopted people, families, of which. I would say, the majority ended up being transracially adopted people. Around 2012 or so, I decided to return back to school for my doctorate in counselor education and supervision. And then from there I gradually stopped clinical practice and entered the world of academia. So right now I'm a full-time Clinical Assistant Professor with the Family Institute at Northwestern University. It's an online clinical mental health counseling program. And I still practice, however, right now I'm practicing exclusively with persons who identify as immigrant populations and who speak Spanish.

Haley Radke: That's amazing. So we talk [00:03:00] a lot on this show about the need for therapists who are, we used to call them, adoption competent. Most of my community started talking about adoptee-competent therapists, and it sounds like you're the person who can train therapists in how to do that.

Dr. Susan Branco: I try. I'm an affiliate instructor with Rutgers University. They have a post-adoption certificate program, so particularly during the tele-mental health boom when everything became an online situation, I've been able to do virtual training. Prior to that, I was doing it old-school, traveling to New Jersey from DC to do the in-person workshops. So that is quite important to me. I have worked with other adoptee and transracially adoptee counselors, and we frequently talk about competency and sensitivity, as well as having our voice be heard, while also being very clear about our credentials because our stories are [00:04:00] important. But we do still need to have the skills and the credentials and the training to be able to provide quality mental health services. And there's many things that go into that.

Haley Radke: I have seen an uptick in “coaches.” So I think it's really important that when you're looking for a therapist, you are making sure you are getting someone who is qualified. I'm sure you would agree with that.

Dr. Susan Branco: I do.

Haley Radke: Okay.

Dr. Susan Branco: I've seen the coaching progression and there can be a place for coaching. What concerns me about coaching is the lack of across-the-board regulations sometimes that helps people to provide a certain standard of care with coaching. And I also think it's confusing for clients to understand what the difference is between coaching versus counseling and psychotherapy. [00:05:00] So sometimes that could be problematic and hopefully quality coaches are able to discern the difference and refer people to counseling as needed.

Haley Radke: So if it's like a partnership, you could have a coach and a therapist, and there's different reasons for both.

Dr. Susan Branco: Correct.

Haley Radke: I was listening to another interview you were giving earlier today, and I found it so fascinating. So I know you've done some research on this topic and, as I said before, we're always looking for trained adoptee-competent therapists. And you mentioned you've worked with lots of transracial adoptees, and I find that a lot of the therapists that I know and that are in our community are white. So I thought it was really fascinating how you explained that there is–I'm going to have to ask you to explain it, I think, because I'm not going to be [00:06:00] able to get it right–but just pairing a person of color, likely we're looking at a transnational, transracial adoptee going to a therapist who is a white person, already there's a dynamic, a power dynamic there. It’s possible they're not going to get the help that they're looking for. Can you talk a little bit about that? And then where can an adoptee find a therapist that can provide them the help that they need?

Dr. Susan Branco: Sure. When we're talking about cross-cultural counseling or therapy, I use those terms interchangeably. I'm thinking about how do we look at our positionality. So we're always as the counselor or therapist in a privileged position, really, because the hierarchy in that relationship, no matter how much we try to flatten it, the counselor's always in a role with more power. So this is why we have to pay great attention to ethics and things of that nature to ensure [00:07:00] that we are being as fair as possible to our clients. But add on top of that different racial and ethnic identities and even socioeconomic statuses, and you're looking at even more layers of power differentials. So in addition, when we are thinking about cultural and cross-cultural counseling, we also have to be mindful of understanding that in order to really fully think about an experience of someone of color, perhaps, and I'll only speak of the population I'm most connected to, which is a transracial adoption and myself identify as a Latinx transracially adopted person with an indigenous background. And I'm thinking about my experience and how I've experienced white adjacentness, how I've experienced racism or microaggressions, and I'm using that experience to then be able to widen my perception to how [00:08:00] people of color may have also experienced those things with the awareness that there are some experiences that will be entirely new to me because I didn't walk that same walk.

And so all of what I'm describing is a phenomenon or a term that we call “cultural humility.” And this is a term where we're talking about going into a relationship with complete humbleness, an openness. In other words, we're not going into a relationship with a predisposition that any one way, in this incident culture, is superior to another. And that sounds easy. It sounds like what most of us strive to be, right? Because none of us want to say that we have any superiority over anyone else. But what makes that really hard is that we all come to everything with years and years of experience and bias that takes careful examination, challenging ourselves, maybe others challenging us to de-tangle [00:09:00] and de-layer. And that's especially important to do as a counselor. So sometimes that can be something that might happen more organically between a counselor of color and a client of color because they may have, not the same of course, but they may have some level of shared understanding and experience of what it means to be a person of color in whatever environment they're living in. It is not impossible at all for a non counselor of color or a white counselor or therapist to also develop cultural humility. In fact, I know many that have and work quite hard. Same with counselors of color. It doesn't mean that because you're a person of color, you don't have to do this work also. So I do think that there may be a propensity, though, for particularly transracially adopted people to be pulled towards [00:10:00] counselors of color because, as we know, many transracially adopted people are raised by white parents, so they may feel inherently, perhaps, safer with a counselor of color. They may feel less burden to not share certain things out of risk of offending, perhaps, a white counselor. And that burden may be from feeling that way with their adoptive family. It's not impossible, however, because I've certainly heard of and have seen white counselors working quite well with transracial adoptees. However, I think it does ultimately benefit clients to have more options, particularly clients of color, to see counselors of color. There's still not enough of us in the field. It's growing, but we still need so many more. It's still a white-dominated profession across all of the helping professions. We're still trying to [00:11:00] build that number in the field. I hope that answered your question about what you heard me say before in the interview.

Haley Radke: It totally did. Thank you. Do you have any advice for people who are looking for a therapist and they want to find someone that has similar experiences as them?

Dr. Susan Branco: In the United States we do have a list of counselors of color who are also transracially adopted. It's not a huge list, but there is such a list with certified and licensed counselors throughout the country who can see transracially adopted people. However, knowing that those people are few and far between, some suggestions I've always offered to people is, when you are searching for a counselor, certainly you can do a web search, like Psychology Today, just check and see if they are talking about what their background is in their profile. They should be. [00:12:00] Check to see if they've worked with other clients of color. If they indicate that they do multicultural counseling. I think it's always appropriate to have an initial screening where you can ask about that as well as their experience with adoption. So finding those two mixed is hard, but it's good to ask because it gives counselors a chance to say, “You know what, I don't have those two things, but I do have ample experience working with clients of color. I'd be willing to learn more.” And that's what you want to hear because what we don't want is to have a person who's adopted having to be the sole instructor of all things adoption. Similar to we don't want a person of color to have to be the sole information conveyor of all things about persons of color to their therapist or counselor.

Haley Radke: I think a lot of us can identify with needing to seek out some mental health [00:13:00] supports and having to educate our therapist and bringing them books like, “Hey, have you ever read The Primal Wound?” Or “Have you ever heard of –?” And it can be really frustrating. So I like that reminder that you can ask your therapist questions, you can interview them, you can interview a couple, you can go a couple times. And if you don't fit, you can pick someone else. I think, not all adoptees, but a lot of us are people-pleasers and we want to just go through and do what the next thing we think we should do. But I really want people to feel empowered. You have a choice, and especially you're paying someone, and you said there's this power dynamic in the relationship, but you still, as a client, have a choice when you're looking for a good fit for a therapist.

Dr. Susan Branco: I agree entirely. And keeping in mind that I train counselors-in-training, people who are trained in a master's degree program get a really good, [00:14:00] solid foundation on how to be a helpful counselor. But they don't know, and nor do I, every single potential issue that comes our way that people bring to us. So what you're really looking for is someone that's welcoming what you're bringing, and that's going to demonstrate cultural humility by saying, “I may not know all that. I'm going to find out. It's not going to be your entire responsibility.” And they are willing to do extra work. I have students in my program who are working with supervisors who have demonstrated this many times over by saying, “This is new for me. I'm going to take a CEU on this so I at least get some basic understanding of what this client is bringing. I'm going to look up what are some good, peer-reviewed articles that talk about this particular issue, so that way I'm not going in not knowing anything.” Certainly everybody's experience is unique, and you want to always be open to those nuances. But it's incumbent on your counselor or [00:15:00] therapist to do the bulk of the heavy lifting with that. So you can always ask, “How open are you to learning more about this on your own?” And that will be some out-of-session time. Many of us do out-of-session research to find out how we can best serve our clients. So that's another great question to ask.

Haley Radke: That's a good tip because how many people have I heard say, “Oh my gosh, I had to tell her 30 minutes about all this adoption stuff and I only had 20 minutes left to talk about what I was here for.” Oh, that's good. Okay. I didn't know you could do that. That's great.

Dr. Susan Branco: You can.

Haley Radke: That was a great tip. Wow. Okay. I'm curious, what are you seeing right now as some of the most important things when we're talking about training counselors and things especially related to adoption? Are therapists interested in learning more about that? Are they [00:16:00] becoming more competent? Are there more offerings? You were saying you give some courses on that. I’m curious about that.

Dr. Susan Branco: I often will say that it is my mission to infiltrate every course I possibly can infiltrate to talk about adoption. So part of that mission was about two or three years ago I wrote something about our core curriculum in counseling. There's a core curriculum we have to follow to meet our accreditation standards so that every counselor-in-training who graduates with a counseling degree of some sort will have the same basic training. So I looked at what those core classes were and I used research from some of my colleagues in the field who've done some great work and I developed how we can incorporate in every single class at least some mention of adoption and transracial adoption. And I find that students are becoming more [00:17:00] interested because when they get into their fieldwork, almost universally, they end up working with someone who's either adopted or connected to adoption in some way. And they will come back and say, “I have no idea where to even begin because we did not learn this in any of our core courses.”

So part of my mission, particularly at the program where I am now, is to do online lectures that are prerecorded that then become asynchronous material where I'm doing a lecture on something related to adoption. For example, I did a lecture on the adult attachment interview, the circle of security protocol and how that relates to adoption to give people an overview of how they can maybe do assessments if they're working with someone connected to adoption. Recently, myself and some graduate assistants did a CEU training for all of our students [00:18:00] and supervisors who were interested in Adoption 101, the basics of working with adopted populations and the adoption constellation. And we reviewed the updated seven core issues from the 2019 updated book. Many people were thrilled to have that information because they see a lot of these clients and they had no idea. So my mission is to somehow get in every course, to be able to have people finish the course knowing at least one thing that they may not have known before. Because I know, and we know, that we have a higher rate of mental health seeking behaviors, for very good reasons. But for this reason, we need to have more training in grad programs. So I see it more in counseling in general. I know it is part of social work training programs. I believe it's starting to [00:19:00] make a rise in marriage and family therapist programs, but programs like the Rutgers program, and there's some other adoption postmasters training programs, seem to be flourishing, so that gives me great hopefulness. There's still not enough, of course. We have a long way to go, but I do see more interest also because people are hearing about it more in the media. So certainly there's popular shows that have adoption themes, for better or for worse. Some are better than others. As adoption is always a hot topic in a movie or in fairytales, in TV shows. So I think people are thinking about it a little differently than maybe they were before because of some of the better programming that's out there. And I think, especially for at least the students in our program, they're seeing it more in their field placements.

Haley Radke: That's fascinating and I love that you're talking about weaving it in [00:20:00] throughout because we, my show, and most of my listeners, look at adoption as a trauma: you're separated from your family of origin. And, of course, when you're training mental health professionals, you're talking about trauma and how do you deal with that? It's like teaching, adding that if you've had an experience with being separated from your family of origin, that is a traumatic event. Those kinds of things. It's like stating the obvious, but it's not obvious to everyone.

Dr. Susan Branco: That's correct. Even today, one of my course topics was assessing for suicidality. And last week we were talking about multicultural competencies. So we had a chance to talk about transracial, multicultural adoption competencies that have been endorsed by our professional body. And then this week I was able to make the segue to risk factors in suicidality and we talked about many populations, but I was able to bring up that adoption is a risk factor based on the [00:21:00] research we know about that. So there is a way to include it in most course content if you have an awareness, just like everything else.

Haley Radke: Good. You're good. I like that. Now, I know you have done a lot of writing; your publications list on your website is extensive. And I was just reading in Adoption Quarterly, “The Columbian Adoption House: A Case Study,” which you published in 2020. As I was reading, I thought, oh my gosh, we just need more of this. It's proof of so many of the things that we talk about: the problematic elements of adoption, especially international adoption and the corruption, and all of these wild and crazy things that happen that are so shocking that lots of people wouldn't believe it. And we tell personal stories [00:22:00] sometimes and are told, that's a one-off. But how did you come to decide to write this and focus in on your country of origin, as well? Why did you think it was important to have a case study on something like this? I think it's really important for us to learn from. But I'd love to hear your motivations for writing that.

Dr. Susan Branco: A lot of it had to do with the literature search that I did. I found that there really wasn't a lot specifically about Columbian adoptees. We know that Columbia's adoption program is one of the older international adoption programs. It's often cited as a model program for other Latin American countries. And when I did my lit review search, I did not see much outside of something else I did about Columbian adoptees back in, I want to say, 2007. That was a book chapter and it was a very small [00:23:00] study at that time. I also co-wrote something with a colleague about conceptualizations of different types of adoptees from Latin America, so not just country specific. And I felt like I was hearing more and more conversation within our community on various social media sites where people were consistently presenting evidence that indicated there was something not right about their adoption facilitation. In 2016 Vice News in an exposé on some people whose adoption information was found to be fraudulent from Columbia. So I decided that it was really important that our voices be heard in a research way because, like you were mentioning, it is important to hear everyone's story, but oftentimes, particularly in the adoption professional community or the academic community, [00:24:00] if you don't have a legitimate research study, you are often told that you're not credible and whether that is right or wrong that seems to be my experience with those realms. So I felt it was important to have something that was peer-reviewed, that had institutional board review or review board approval, that methodologically had a set of steps and rigor. So I took all these pieces of news I had heard over the years from the New York Times back in the eighties, from El Tiempo, a popular newspaper in Bogota, that talked about legitimate child trafficking that happened in Bogota. I found some other literature, particularly a case study that was quite well done from the [00:25:00] 1990s, and I put together all these pieces while interviewing some brave people that were courageous enough to tell me their story on the record about their experiences with figuring out that what they've been told has been a lie, and their attempt to reclaim their right to identity is completely thwarted because they don't have accurate information. So I put all those pieces together to develop a story that I hope is readable to people who may be completely new to this topic. And I paired it with ethics and codes of ethics that were clearly violated in this process with the hopes that we will never return to that. We all know that that clearly was not the case because we've had many instances, I think of Guatemala, I think of Ethiopia, Vietnam, the list can go on where countries were found to be corrupt in their [00:26:00] practices and eventually shut down. So the timing of when the article came out coincided with somewhat of a movement in Columbia to change adoption practices and be more accountable, not, of course, to the degree that we're hoping eventually, but being more accountable to prior practices.

Haley Radke: It's Haley from the future popping in: I wanted to let you know that right after I recorded this episode with Susan, she sent me the government report from the Netherlands, which cited her academic article as one of their sources for halting all international adoptions at this time. We are recording this in February of 2021, so remember how we talked about how important it is to have these kinds of academic articles. There is your proof. Okay, let's get back [00:27:00] to the show.

Haley Radke: So some of the people that you interviewed were reporting back to you things like: “These files don't make sense.” “There's obvious lies.” “Someone said, my mother died, but when I asked for the death certificate, they can't give it to me.” So you've worked with a lot of adoptees in your career, I can imagine. Can you talk about what the impact is on someone who finds that out about themselves? I'm a closed adoption, born in the eighties, adopted provincially. I have access to my records because my province is open. I remember getting some identifying information that wasn't exactly accurate, but it wasn't this grand scheme to prevent me from ever finding out any truth. And while there are some challenges to my identity just being an adoptee, but for an adoptee whose literal [00:28:00] file is a big old lie and finding that out? What does that do to someone?

Dr. Susan Branco: It's incredibly painful. It breeds a sense of complete betrayal by your, in some cases, adoptive family members, by your country of origin, by members who hold power positions in your country of origin. And it can be devastating to learn that the narrative you created based on what we call micro-fiction in adoption, this false narrative that was often given to adoptive parents because it sounded good and it filled in a need at the time of giving a story, finding out that what you thought was true is in no way true, and that you may never have an answer can really [00:29:00] cause you to question what is true in general. Who can you trust? How can you know that you can trust someone? It can really create a lot of turmoil. So it's not surprising that many members of the community do struggle with things like anxiety or depression or maybe feeling challenges to trusting people because their entire beginning was created through a lie or false information. However, I always want to pair that with, our community is incredibly resilient. Because even despite all that, despite knowing I might never know, I have seen members of our community and other communities thrive, survive that, do other things to reclaim their culture and their narratives, move beyond. Not to dismiss or to demean anyone who's [00:30:00] struggling in that place of despair but I've seen people move beyond that through a lot of hard work. It's not one day you wake up and you can move forward, but I've seen people reclaim what's theirs and that looks different for every different person. So I do think we are incredible survivors that we've been able to take these circumstances and use them to make meaning of our narratives now. It doesn't mean that we're not angry sometimes, that we don't fall into that hole sometimes, or that we don't, on occasion or on many occasions, struggle with trust in systems, in others. But I have seen it happen for the majority of our community.

Haley Radke: What struck me was the perseverance of truth and [00:31:00] hiring private investigators and DNA testing and all of these things, even though knowing this may not give you an answer at the end. I think I see that in a lot of people who are doing their search: that perseverance, like there's something in you that says, “I just have to know.” And especially when you're living a country away, a world away or maybe you don't speak the language or so many barriers. God, the resilience really does stand out to me. You've got this proud, smiling expression on your face. I love that. I loved how you talked about your community and there's just like this beaming pride when you were speaking about them.

This is a little bit of a stretch, so maybe a thought experiment: Of course, Columbia is not the only country that has had these terrible, corrupt practices. And in recent years we've heard [00:32:00] lots of other things. Marshall Islands had this big thing blow up in the last year and all these things have been uncovered. So we're talking about adoptions where there's still young children. What are your thoughts on that? If an adoption has been uncovered to be gray or black market, some sort of child-trafficking situation, what I see is, “Oh my gosh, we gotta punish the powers that be that let this happen.” But I never see talk about how to reunite this child with their family of origin? How to reconnect them with their community? I'm curious about that because that's the first thing I think of. In all my years of doing this–which is not that long, it's five years–I've only heard of one adoptive family that [00:33:00] found out that their adoption was truly an illegal situation and they returned the child. I've only heard of one. Do you have thoughts on that?

Dr. Susan Branco: What of course comes to mind first, for me, is what we've seen transpire shamefully recently in our country in terms of the brutal practices of parental separation. And in something like that case that was so broadly seen, there is a spotlight on that situation, and yet we're still trying to figure out how we're going to reunite those children with their families. So with adoption and transnational, transracial adoption, I'm always thinking about those [00:34:00] situations. I agree with you. Those children should be reunited with their first families when it was an illegally trafficked adoption because that's who they belong with. But we know the system that's created that circumstance does not have similar viewpoints about who children belong to. Children are often commodified, and we're still operating under false assumptions about what is better for a child, particularly based on the idea that European white, Westernized culture is a better culture to raise a child. So for those reasons, I think we only see that one example of a child who was returned to their community because people in power, for the most part, still believe that children are better off [00:35:00] not in their original communities. And that thinking is completely born out of colonialism, racism, and terrible bias about what is best for a child. I don't agree with it. I agree with you that those children should be immediately returned to their families, and, I know I'm not alone in this and nor is this a unique idea to me, but we should be looking more at ways of having children stay with their first families, rather than having poverty be the number one reason why a child can't stay with their first family.

Haley Radke: Family preservation is so important to me, and when you're describing the adults in the situation, the adult adoptees who, that's their story, 30, 40 years ago and all the problems that have come out of it and the mental health issues that we [00:36:00] struggle with, as you said before, higher suicidality, all of those things. Gosh, it feels so big. This is systemic, all those things that you said. It just feels so big. It's heavy. It's heavy to feel like you're up against this huge system and I thank you for explaining that so succinctly and very powerfully. I think it's important for people to hear that those are the reasons this still is happening.

Okay. I've asked you so many different things. You're an expert in so many different things. Is there anything I didn't get to yet that you want to talk to adult adoptees about? Anything that you think is really important for us to know? Things that you're passionate about that you really want to share with us?

Dr. Susan Branco: Sure. Currently I'm doing research on adult Columbian adoptee first family reunions because that's another area in the [00:37:00] literature where I have actually seen some literature from transnationally adopted adults reuniting with their first families. But I did not see anything specific to Columbian adoptees. And this was another area where I was seeing a lot of anecdotal information about it on social media and just through groups. So I thought we need to have a study about this so that we can offer our community some guidance as to what this may look like on the other side of this, as well as give practitioners, counselors information about how to better support someone who's going through this process. So I'm doing that research now. I'm doing interviews with some amazing people who were willing to be participants and one thing that has really struck is that the participants range in age. So I have some participants who are around my age–I'm in my late [00:38:00] forties–and then I've had some participants who are in their early twenties. And I know in this field I've been doing this kind of work since the early 2000’s, and I have some colleagues who’ve been doing this way before I was, and one of the things we tend to circle back to is we've done so much work trying to educate adoptive parents, adoption agencies about how important it is to be able to offer cultural socialization to your children. So that means not living in an environment where they are the only ones of color, integrating your whole family, not just the child, but your whole family into a community with people that reflect your child. Not just doing culture campuses, wonderful as those can be, but really having your entire family be considered a multiculturally [00:39:00] humble family. And we–the collective we of so many of my amazing colleagues and practitioners and people in academia–have been doing this for years. So when I'm interviewing people and they're in their early twenties and they're sharing with me that they did not get any exposure to their culture growing up. That they remain the only person of color in their community, I can't help but feel demoralized that it's still happening. I still saw it happening even when I was in practice with younger children. And I'm not entirely sure the complete answer as to how we prevent that and how we really get serious about the importance of cultural socialization and raising your children in the community that reflects them so they're not [00:40:00] isolated and carrying that burden by themselves. But it does strike me–it has improved, don't get me wrong–but that there's still so many of us out there that are struggling in isolation. And that really gives me pause. And at the same time, it invigorates me to keep going. And I think that invigorates a lot of our community members to just, we're going to keep doing this so we can reach more people so that people know you are not the only one. Even though it feels that way right now. You are not. You're not alone.

Haley Radke: Have you seen the impact of not having that cultural socialization on the reunion process with their Columbian family of origin?

Dr. Susan Branco: The impact that is starting to emerge based on some of the interviews I've [00:41:00] completed suggest that not having that was one among many other very valid reasons that people wanted to search and reconnect with their first families. And that reconnection, people are describing it as allowing them to discover who their true self might be, allowing them to reclaim some of the culture they have lost. And allowing them to alter their narratives so that it's not this narrative exclusively focused on loss and grief. Not dismissing that, of course, but also being filled with an alternative ending that they've been empowered to reclaim.

Haley Radke: Again, there's that resilience, right? There's something so powerful about that. That's really fascinating. I am wondering, [00:42:00] I'm not sure exactly how to ask this. I know an adoptee who would identify as Latinx and also say they are white-passing and has gone through a journey of trying to do cultural reclamation. Do you have thoughts on that? I think, for me, watching their journey, it was beautiful to me and fascinating and it looked to me like it was empowering for them. I wonder if you've seen that or if you can talk a little bit about that?

Dr. Susan Branco: Throughout our talk, I've been thinking about one of my favorite models for transracial and transnationally adopted persons’ identity development. And one of my favorite models–and I maintain it's one of the best models–is called the reculturation model. And that was a model developed by Dr. Amanda Baden and [00:43:00] colleagues back in 2012. She is a huge name in the adoption field, wonderful academic and practitioner. And this was a model looking at how we reclaim our identity, how we reculturate, because we're not acculturating, that's different to what our unique circumstances are. And we are not enculturating, because that's also a bit different. We are reculturating; we're reclaiming our past. So the process that you described with your friend is a very common process that many people will start to engage in maybe late adolescence through emergent adulthood all the way throughout adulthood to reclaim what was lost for them and to work through determining what is my identity.

Now, speaking about Columbia, I can tell you that that identity is something that I don't believe is unique to [00:44:00] adoptees. From my visits to Columbia and from my reading about the country as a whole, we certainly are a colonized country ourselves, and there is a sense of lighter skin being held at higher value from the Spanish colonizers. However, most people, many people in Columbia, are considered mestizo: we are indigenous as well as European. So it presents a whole host of wonderful diversity. We also have a large Afro-Caribbean influence in Columbia; we have a Middle Eastern presence. So it's really a biodiverse country and diverse in its people. But that process of determining where do I fall? And particularly in a country like the United States where there's not a lot of room to have anything that falls outside the [00:45:00] census boxes that we often have to fill. And I have seen many people in our community having, out of survival, quite frankly, and out of this piece about not being culturally socialized, being able to pass as white sometimes. It doesn't work all the time, but sometimes. And really that's out of survivorship if that's going to be something that helps you to get through life because that's how you're being accepted, then it makes complete sense to me that people might go in that direction. Often, it’s some sort of pivotal moment when people start discovering I am not just that. I may be part European but I do have this other part of me. DNA testing has certainly opened a lot of people's eyes about, “Wow, I do have these different parts of me, and what does that mean? What does that say about who my ancestors are? How do I connect with my [00:46:00] ancestral heritage? How do I explore that? Part of me that I didn't even fully know existed because no one had shared that with me. No one had exposed me to that possibility.” So as adults, I see a lot of people really digging into that and leaning into that part of who they are and reclaiming it.

Haley Radke: Thank you so much for explaining that. I wrote down a lot of new phrases from you that I'm going to have to read more about and I love the concept of cultural reculturation from Dr. Baden. She's a superstar in our community, for sure. This was so amazing. I'm so glad we got the chance to talk.

I would love it if we could do some recommended resources now. I usually start, and it's not going to be any surprise that I'm going to recommend to everyone that they make sure to check out some of your writing, Susan, because it's so important. And I've [00:47:00] talked about this a little bit lately, but you guys can read academic publications. You can do it. So I know sometimes it's really hard to get your hands on some of these articles, but what I found out is lots of the authors of the studies, even though they might only be accessible if you're part of a university or something and you go to your library and you can get access. But sometimes the authors of the studies will email you a copy of the article. So would that be okay, Susan, what do you think?

Dr. Susan Branco: Definitely. I'm more than happy to provide copies of articles, and people email me all the time to ask. I'm always honored.

Haley Radke: Beautiful. I love that. And I especially want you guys to check out “The Columbian Adoption House: A Case Study” from Adoption Quarterly, which is what we were talking about earlier. I thought it was really interesting and, of course, I thought it was cool that you did in-depth interviews with adoptees, because I feel like I do a little tiny piece of that every week. [00:48:00] But it was really fascinating to read pieces of their stories, and there's direct quotes from fellow adoptees in there. So I think you guys will really find that fascinating. And again, just like Susan told us, this is real research that you can show to someone and they will take it more seriously because it's peer-reviewed in a journal for all the academics that it is important to. It's legit. And it's very well written. I learned a lot from it. So thank you so much for that. That's what I'm going to recommend. What about you? What would you like to recommend to us?

Dr. Susan Branco: I am a huge fan of the Rudd Adoption Center at Amherst University. They host in-person, and this year virtual, conferences that always address something new and unique to our community. This year the topic happened to be the journey of adult adoptees, I believe. I might be getting that name slightly wrong, [00:49:00] but they are offering free YouTube videos with conversations with different panelists from the conference. And they also offer accessible white papers that talk about certain issues in adoption so you don't need to go through the peer-reviewed journal process or you are able to access that from their website. So I find that a wonderful resource because it's all things adoption and very good research.

Haley Radke: I have been watching some of those on YouTube and they're really well done. Lots of people that you guys probably already know. So I definitely second that. I didn't know that they had some white papers. That's fantastic. I'm going to have to check that out. Thank you so much for recommending that. I think the more we support what we want to see more of, it's just that circle, I think. So yes, I love that. That's so good. Thank you so much. I really enjoyed hearing from you and about your [00:50:00] expertise. Just so generous. Thank you.

Dr. Susan Branco: Thank you for inviting me. I'm just honored to be here.

Haley Radke: You can find Dr. Branco's website at drsusanbranco(dot)com, where there's a contact form if you'd like to request access to her Columbia House article. She's also on LinkedIn and on Twitter at drsusan (underscore) branco. I have links for you in the show notes to all of those spots. I am so grateful that I get to share these amazing conversations with you, thrilled to be reading academic papers to find the gems of humans to bring to you so we can learn more from experts. Thank you again, Susan. I'm so thankful that you shared with us.

And, guys, this podcast is not possible without listener support, and it [00:51:00] continues. My listeners are paying the bills and it's amazing. Thank you so much to all of my supporters. I have almost 200 on Patreon. We're just about there. So exciting. Adopteeson.com/partner has details of how you can support the show, help keep it sustainable, help keep paying all the costs for my editor and all the extra things it takes to have this podcast out into the world.

So if you love Adoptees On, if you want it to continue, if you want us to reach more adoptees who maybe are feeling alone and not connected into community, I would encourage you to go to adopteeson.com/partner if that's something that you're able to do. If not, another amazing way you can support the show is, literally, just tell one person about this episode. Maybe you have a friend who loves reading academic journals and they just really want to learn more [00:52:00] about adoption, and they would probably find this conversation fascinating. So share the show with just one person. That's a huge gift.

We are coming back to the Estrangement Series. Don't worry, we'll be back with more episodes focusing on estrangement and, of course, our regular episodes and more Healing Series episodes. Lots in the works for you for 2021. Thanks so much for listening. Let's talk again next Friday.