171 Dr. Susan Branco

Transcript

Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/171


Haley Radke: [00:00:00] This show is listener supported. You can join us and help our show grow to support more adoptees by going to adopteeson.com/partner.

You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Episode 171, Dr. Susan Branco. I'm your host, Haley Radke.

Dr. Susan Branco is with us today, and she is a force for good in our community. She shares an overview of her story, and we get a chance to deeply focus on topics that she's done an incredible amount of work and research on. These include how counselors of color deal with client microaggressions and ensuring adoption themes make their way into the core curriculum for future social workers and therapists. Dr. Branco shares more with us about her case study of the Colombian Adoption House, which includes firsthand experiences of Colombian adoptees and what happens [00:01:00] when they find out their adoption was illicit or black market. Her passion for family preservation is evident when we go down the list of systemic problems in the adoption industry. We wrap up with some recommended resources and, as always, links to everything we'll be talking about today are on the website, adopteeson.com. Let's listen in.

I'm so pleased to welcome to Adoptees On, Dr. Susan Branco. Welcome Susan.

Dr. Susan Branco: Thank you. I'm glad to be here.

Haley Radke: I would love it if you would start by sharing a bit of your story with us.

Dr. Susan Branco: I was born in 1972 in Bogota, Columbia, and I was then adopted by North American, US parents, and I grew up outside of Philly in Pennsylvania. And I relocated to the Washington DC area for college, and I've been in this area ever since. I am recently in [00:02:00] reunion. And I dedicated most of my life to being a licensed professional counselor. I'm still a licensed professional counselor. For a long time, I had an independent practice working mostly with adopted people, families, of which. I would say, the majority ended up being transracially adopted people. Around 2012 or so, I decided to return back to school for my doctorate in counselor education and supervision. And then from there I gradually stopped clinical practice and entered the world of academia. So right now I'm a full-time Clinical Assistant Professor with the Family Institute at Northwestern University. It's an online clinical mental health counseling program. And I still practice, however, right now I'm practicing exclusively with persons who identify as immigrant populations and who speak Spanish.

Haley Radke: That's amazing. So we talk [00:03:00] a lot on this show about the need for therapists who are, we used to call them, adoption competent. Most of my community started talking about adoptee-competent therapists, and it sounds like you're the person who can train therapists in how to do that.

Dr. Susan Branco: I try. I'm an affiliate instructor with Rutgers University. They have a post-adoption certificate program, so particularly during the tele-mental health boom when everything became an online situation, I've been able to do virtual training. Prior to that, I was doing it old-school, traveling to New Jersey from DC to do the in-person workshops. So that is quite important to me. I have worked with other adoptee and transracially adoptee counselors, and we frequently talk about competency and sensitivity, as well as having our voice be heard, while also being very clear about our credentials because our stories are [00:04:00] important. But we do still need to have the skills and the credentials and the training to be able to provide quality mental health services. And there's many things that go into that.

Haley Radke: I have seen an uptick in “coaches.” So I think it's really important that when you're looking for a therapist, you are making sure you are getting someone who is qualified. I'm sure you would agree with that.

Dr. Susan Branco: I do.

Haley Radke: Okay.

Dr. Susan Branco: I've seen the coaching progression and there can be a place for coaching. What concerns me about coaching is the lack of across-the-board regulations sometimes that helps people to provide a certain standard of care with coaching. And I also think it's confusing for clients to understand what the difference is between coaching versus counseling and psychotherapy. [00:05:00] So sometimes that could be problematic and hopefully quality coaches are able to discern the difference and refer people to counseling as needed.

Haley Radke: So if it's like a partnership, you could have a coach and a therapist, and there's different reasons for both.

Dr. Susan Branco: Correct.

Haley Radke: I was listening to another interview you were giving earlier today, and I found it so fascinating. So I know you've done some research on this topic and, as I said before, we're always looking for trained adoptee-competent therapists. And you mentioned you've worked with lots of transracial adoptees, and I find that a lot of the therapists that I know and that are in our community are white. So I thought it was really fascinating how you explained that there is–I'm going to have to ask you to explain it, I think, because I'm not going to be [00:06:00] able to get it right–but just pairing a person of color, likely we're looking at a transnational, transracial adoptee going to a therapist who is a white person, already there's a dynamic, a power dynamic there. It’s possible they're not going to get the help that they're looking for. Can you talk a little bit about that? And then where can an adoptee find a therapist that can provide them the help that they need?

Dr. Susan Branco: Sure. When we're talking about cross-cultural counseling or therapy, I use those terms interchangeably. I'm thinking about how do we look at our positionality. So we're always as the counselor or therapist in a privileged position, really, because the hierarchy in that relationship, no matter how much we try to flatten it, the counselor's always in a role with more power. So this is why we have to pay great attention to ethics and things of that nature to ensure [00:07:00] that we are being as fair as possible to our clients. But add on top of that different racial and ethnic identities and even socioeconomic statuses, and you're looking at even more layers of power differentials. So in addition, when we are thinking about cultural and cross-cultural counseling, we also have to be mindful of understanding that in order to really fully think about an experience of someone of color, perhaps, and I'll only speak of the population I'm most connected to, which is a transracial adoption and myself identify as a Latinx transracially adopted person with an indigenous background. And I'm thinking about my experience and how I've experienced white adjacentness, how I've experienced racism or microaggressions, and I'm using that experience to then be able to widen my perception to how [00:08:00] people of color may have also experienced those things with the awareness that there are some experiences that will be entirely new to me because I didn't walk that same walk.

And so all of what I'm describing is a phenomenon or a term that we call “cultural humility.” And this is a term where we're talking about going into a relationship with complete humbleness, an openness. In other words, we're not going into a relationship with a predisposition that any one way, in this incident culture, is superior to another. And that sounds easy. It sounds like what most of us strive to be, right? Because none of us want to say that we have any superiority over anyone else. But what makes that really hard is that we all come to everything with years and years of experience and bias that takes careful examination, challenging ourselves, maybe others challenging us to de-tangle [00:09:00] and de-layer. And that's especially important to do as a counselor. So sometimes that can be something that might happen more organically between a counselor of color and a client of color because they may have, not the same of course, but they may have some level of shared understanding and experience of what it means to be a person of color in whatever environment they're living in. It is not impossible at all for a non counselor of color or a white counselor or therapist to also develop cultural humility. In fact, I know many that have and work quite hard. Same with counselors of color. It doesn't mean that because you're a person of color, you don't have to do this work also. So I do think that there may be a propensity, though, for particularly transracially adopted people to be pulled towards [00:10:00] counselors of color because, as we know, many transracially adopted people are raised by white parents, so they may feel inherently, perhaps, safer with a counselor of color. They may feel less burden to not share certain things out of risk of offending, perhaps, a white counselor. And that burden may be from feeling that way with their adoptive family. It's not impossible, however, because I've certainly heard of and have seen white counselors working quite well with transracial adoptees. However, I think it does ultimately benefit clients to have more options, particularly clients of color, to see counselors of color. There's still not enough of us in the field. It's growing, but we still need so many more. It's still a white-dominated profession across all of the helping professions. We're still trying to [00:11:00] build that number in the field. I hope that answered your question about what you heard me say before in the interview.

Haley Radke: It totally did. Thank you. Do you have any advice for people who are looking for a therapist and they want to find someone that has similar experiences as them?

Dr. Susan Branco: In the United States we do have a list of counselors of color who are also transracially adopted. It's not a huge list, but there is such a list with certified and licensed counselors throughout the country who can see transracially adopted people. However, knowing that those people are few and far between, some suggestions I've always offered to people is, when you are searching for a counselor, certainly you can do a web search, like Psychology Today, just check and see if they are talking about what their background is in their profile. They should be. [00:12:00] Check to see if they've worked with other clients of color. If they indicate that they do multicultural counseling. I think it's always appropriate to have an initial screening where you can ask about that as well as their experience with adoption. So finding those two mixed is hard, but it's good to ask because it gives counselors a chance to say, “You know what, I don't have those two things, but I do have ample experience working with clients of color. I'd be willing to learn more.” And that's what you want to hear because what we don't want is to have a person who's adopted having to be the sole instructor of all things adoption. Similar to we don't want a person of color to have to be the sole information conveyor of all things about persons of color to their therapist or counselor.

Haley Radke: I think a lot of us can identify with needing to seek out some mental health [00:13:00] supports and having to educate our therapist and bringing them books like, “Hey, have you ever read The Primal Wound?” Or “Have you ever heard of –?” And it can be really frustrating. So I like that reminder that you can ask your therapist questions, you can interview them, you can interview a couple, you can go a couple times. And if you don't fit, you can pick someone else. I think, not all adoptees, but a lot of us are people-pleasers and we want to just go through and do what the next thing we think we should do. But I really want people to feel empowered. You have a choice, and especially you're paying someone, and you said there's this power dynamic in the relationship, but you still, as a client, have a choice when you're looking for a good fit for a therapist.

Dr. Susan Branco: I agree entirely. And keeping in mind that I train counselors-in-training, people who are trained in a master's degree program get a really good, [00:14:00] solid foundation on how to be a helpful counselor. But they don't know, and nor do I, every single potential issue that comes our way that people bring to us. So what you're really looking for is someone that's welcoming what you're bringing, and that's going to demonstrate cultural humility by saying, “I may not know all that. I'm going to find out. It's not going to be your entire responsibility.” And they are willing to do extra work. I have students in my program who are working with supervisors who have demonstrated this many times over by saying, “This is new for me. I'm going to take a CEU on this so I at least get some basic understanding of what this client is bringing. I'm going to look up what are some good, peer-reviewed articles that talk about this particular issue, so that way I'm not going in not knowing anything.” Certainly everybody's experience is unique, and you want to always be open to those nuances. But it's incumbent on your counselor or [00:15:00] therapist to do the bulk of the heavy lifting with that. So you can always ask, “How open are you to learning more about this on your own?” And that will be some out-of-session time. Many of us do out-of-session research to find out how we can best serve our clients. So that's another great question to ask.

Haley Radke: That's a good tip because how many people have I heard say, “Oh my gosh, I had to tell her 30 minutes about all this adoption stuff and I only had 20 minutes left to talk about what I was here for.” Oh, that's good. Okay. I didn't know you could do that. That's great.

Dr. Susan Branco: You can.

Haley Radke: That was a great tip. Wow. Okay. I'm curious, what are you seeing right now as some of the most important things when we're talking about training counselors and things especially related to adoption? Are therapists interested in learning more about that? Are they [00:16:00] becoming more competent? Are there more offerings? You were saying you give some courses on that. I’m curious about that.

Dr. Susan Branco: I often will say that it is my mission to infiltrate every course I possibly can infiltrate to talk about adoption. So part of that mission was about two or three years ago I wrote something about our core curriculum in counseling. There's a core curriculum we have to follow to meet our accreditation standards so that every counselor-in-training who graduates with a counseling degree of some sort will have the same basic training. So I looked at what those core classes were and I used research from some of my colleagues in the field who've done some great work and I developed how we can incorporate in every single class at least some mention of adoption and transracial adoption. And I find that students are becoming more [00:17:00] interested because when they get into their fieldwork, almost universally, they end up working with someone who's either adopted or connected to adoption in some way. And they will come back and say, “I have no idea where to even begin because we did not learn this in any of our core courses.”

So part of my mission, particularly at the program where I am now, is to do online lectures that are prerecorded that then become asynchronous material where I'm doing a lecture on something related to adoption. For example, I did a lecture on the adult attachment interview, the circle of security protocol and how that relates to adoption to give people an overview of how they can maybe do assessments if they're working with someone connected to adoption. Recently, myself and some graduate assistants did a CEU training for all of our students [00:18:00] and supervisors who were interested in Adoption 101, the basics of working with adopted populations and the adoption constellation. And we reviewed the updated seven core issues from the 2019 updated book. Many people were thrilled to have that information because they see a lot of these clients and they had no idea. So my mission is to somehow get in every course, to be able to have people finish the course knowing at least one thing that they may not have known before. Because I know, and we know, that we have a higher rate of mental health seeking behaviors, for very good reasons. But for this reason, we need to have more training in grad programs. So I see it more in counseling in general. I know it is part of social work training programs. I believe it's starting to [00:19:00] make a rise in marriage and family therapist programs, but programs like the Rutgers program, and there's some other adoption postmasters training programs, seem to be flourishing, so that gives me great hopefulness. There's still not enough, of course. We have a long way to go, but I do see more interest also because people are hearing about it more in the media. So certainly there's popular shows that have adoption themes, for better or for worse. Some are better than others. As adoption is always a hot topic in a movie or in fairytales, in TV shows. So I think people are thinking about it a little differently than maybe they were before because of some of the better programming that's out there. And I think, especially for at least the students in our program, they're seeing it more in their field placements.

Haley Radke: That's fascinating and I love that you're talking about weaving it in [00:20:00] throughout because we, my show, and most of my listeners, look at adoption as a trauma: you're separated from your family of origin. And, of course, when you're training mental health professionals, you're talking about trauma and how do you deal with that? It's like teaching, adding that if you've had an experience with being separated from your family of origin, that is a traumatic event. Those kinds of things. It's like stating the obvious, but it's not obvious to everyone.

Dr. Susan Branco: That's correct. Even today, one of my course topics was assessing for suicidality. And last week we were talking about multicultural competencies. So we had a chance to talk about transracial, multicultural adoption competencies that have been endorsed by our professional body. And then this week I was able to make the segue to risk factors in suicidality and we talked about many populations, but I was able to bring up that adoption is a risk factor based on the [00:21:00] research we know about that. So there is a way to include it in most course content if you have an awareness, just like everything else.

Haley Radke: Good. You're good. I like that. Now, I know you have done a lot of writing; your publications list on your website is extensive. And I was just reading in Adoption Quarterly, “The Columbian Adoption House: A Case Study,” which you published in 2020. As I was reading, I thought, oh my gosh, we just need more of this. It's proof of so many of the things that we talk about: the problematic elements of adoption, especially international adoption and the corruption, and all of these wild and crazy things that happen that are so shocking that lots of people wouldn't believe it. And we tell personal stories [00:22:00] sometimes and are told, that's a one-off. But how did you come to decide to write this and focus in on your country of origin, as well? Why did you think it was important to have a case study on something like this? I think it's really important for us to learn from. But I'd love to hear your motivations for writing that.

Dr. Susan Branco: A lot of it had to do with the literature search that I did. I found that there really wasn't a lot specifically about Columbian adoptees. We know that Columbia's adoption program is one of the older international adoption programs. It's often cited as a model program for other Latin American countries. And when I did my lit review search, I did not see much outside of something else I did about Columbian adoptees back in, I want to say, 2007. That was a book chapter and it was a very small [00:23:00] study at that time. I also co-wrote something with a colleague about conceptualizations of different types of adoptees from Latin America, so not just country specific. And I felt like I was hearing more and more conversation within our community on various social media sites where people were consistently presenting evidence that indicated there was something not right about their adoption facilitation. In 2016 Vice News in an exposé on some people whose adoption information was found to be fraudulent from Columbia. So I decided that it was really important that our voices be heard in a research way because, like you were mentioning, it is important to hear everyone's story, but oftentimes, particularly in the adoption professional community or the academic community, [00:24:00] if you don't have a legitimate research study, you are often told that you're not credible and whether that is right or wrong that seems to be my experience with those realms. So I felt it was important to have something that was peer-reviewed, that had institutional board review or review board approval, that methodologically had a set of steps and rigor. So I took all these pieces of news I had heard over the years from the New York Times back in the eighties, from El Tiempo, a popular newspaper in Bogota, that talked about legitimate child trafficking that happened in Bogota. I found some other literature, particularly a case study that was quite well done from the [00:25:00] 1990s, and I put together all these pieces while interviewing some brave people that were courageous enough to tell me their story on the record about their experiences with figuring out that what they've been told has been a lie, and their attempt to reclaim their right to identity is completely thwarted because they don't have accurate information. So I put all those pieces together to develop a story that I hope is readable to people who may be completely new to this topic. And I paired it with ethics and codes of ethics that were clearly violated in this process with the hopes that we will never return to that. We all know that that clearly was not the case because we've had many instances, I think of Guatemala, I think of Ethiopia, Vietnam, the list can go on where countries were found to be corrupt in their [00:26:00] practices and eventually shut down. So the timing of when the article came out coincided with somewhat of a movement in Columbia to change adoption practices and be more accountable, not, of course, to the degree that we're hoping eventually, but being more accountable to prior practices.

Haley Radke: It's Haley from the future popping in: I wanted to let you know that right after I recorded this episode with Susan, she sent me the government report from the Netherlands, which cited her academic article as one of their sources for halting all international adoptions at this time. We are recording this in February of 2021, so remember how we talked about how important it is to have these kinds of academic articles. There is your proof. Okay, let's get back [00:27:00] to the show.

Haley Radke: So some of the people that you interviewed were reporting back to you things like: “These files don't make sense.” “There's obvious lies.” “Someone said, my mother died, but when I asked for the death certificate, they can't give it to me.” So you've worked with a lot of adoptees in your career, I can imagine. Can you talk about what the impact is on someone who finds that out about themselves? I'm a closed adoption, born in the eighties, adopted provincially. I have access to my records because my province is open. I remember getting some identifying information that wasn't exactly accurate, but it wasn't this grand scheme to prevent me from ever finding out any truth. And while there are some challenges to my identity just being an adoptee, but for an adoptee whose literal [00:28:00] file is a big old lie and finding that out? What does that do to someone?

Dr. Susan Branco: It's incredibly painful. It breeds a sense of complete betrayal by your, in some cases, adoptive family members, by your country of origin, by members who hold power positions in your country of origin. And it can be devastating to learn that the narrative you created based on what we call micro-fiction in adoption, this false narrative that was often given to adoptive parents because it sounded good and it filled in a need at the time of giving a story, finding out that what you thought was true is in no way true, and that you may never have an answer can really [00:29:00] cause you to question what is true in general. Who can you trust? How can you know that you can trust someone? It can really create a lot of turmoil. So it's not surprising that many members of the community do struggle with things like anxiety or depression or maybe feeling challenges to trusting people because their entire beginning was created through a lie or false information. However, I always want to pair that with, our community is incredibly resilient. Because even despite all that, despite knowing I might never know, I have seen members of our community and other communities thrive, survive that, do other things to reclaim their culture and their narratives, move beyond. Not to dismiss or to demean anyone who's [00:30:00] struggling in that place of despair but I've seen people move beyond that through a lot of hard work. It's not one day you wake up and you can move forward, but I've seen people reclaim what's theirs and that looks different for every different person. So I do think we are incredible survivors that we've been able to take these circumstances and use them to make meaning of our narratives now. It doesn't mean that we're not angry sometimes, that we don't fall into that hole sometimes, or that we don't, on occasion or on many occasions, struggle with trust in systems, in others. But I have seen it happen for the majority of our community.

Haley Radke: What struck me was the perseverance of truth and [00:31:00] hiring private investigators and DNA testing and all of these things, even though knowing this may not give you an answer at the end. I think I see that in a lot of people who are doing their search: that perseverance, like there's something in you that says, “I just have to know.” And especially when you're living a country away, a world away or maybe you don't speak the language or so many barriers. God, the resilience really does stand out to me. You've got this proud, smiling expression on your face. I love that. I loved how you talked about your community and there's just like this beaming pride when you were speaking about them.

This is a little bit of a stretch, so maybe a thought experiment: Of course, Columbia is not the only country that has had these terrible, corrupt practices. And in recent years we've heard [00:32:00] lots of other things. Marshall Islands had this big thing blow up in the last year and all these things have been uncovered. So we're talking about adoptions where there's still young children. What are your thoughts on that? If an adoption has been uncovered to be gray or black market, some sort of child-trafficking situation, what I see is, “Oh my gosh, we gotta punish the powers that be that let this happen.” But I never see talk about how to reunite this child with their family of origin? How to reconnect them with their community? I'm curious about that because that's the first thing I think of. In all my years of doing this–which is not that long, it's five years–I've only heard of one adoptive family that [00:33:00] found out that their adoption was truly an illegal situation and they returned the child. I've only heard of one. Do you have thoughts on that?

Dr. Susan Branco: What of course comes to mind first, for me, is what we've seen transpire shamefully recently in our country in terms of the brutal practices of parental separation. And in something like that case that was so broadly seen, there is a spotlight on that situation, and yet we're still trying to figure out how we're going to reunite those children with their families. So with adoption and transnational, transracial adoption, I'm always thinking about those [00:34:00] situations. I agree with you. Those children should be reunited with their first families when it was an illegally trafficked adoption because that's who they belong with. But we know the system that's created that circumstance does not have similar viewpoints about who children belong to. Children are often commodified, and we're still operating under false assumptions about what is better for a child, particularly based on the idea that European white, Westernized culture is a better culture to raise a child. So for those reasons, I think we only see that one example of a child who was returned to their community because people in power, for the most part, still believe that children are better off [00:35:00] not in their original communities. And that thinking is completely born out of colonialism, racism, and terrible bias about what is best for a child. I don't agree with it. I agree with you that those children should be immediately returned to their families, and, I know I'm not alone in this and nor is this a unique idea to me, but we should be looking more at ways of having children stay with their first families, rather than having poverty be the number one reason why a child can't stay with their first family.

Haley Radke: Family preservation is so important to me, and when you're describing the adults in the situation, the adult adoptees who, that's their story, 30, 40 years ago and all the problems that have come out of it and the mental health issues that we [00:36:00] struggle with, as you said before, higher suicidality, all of those things. Gosh, it feels so big. This is systemic, all those things that you said. It just feels so big. It's heavy. It's heavy to feel like you're up against this huge system and I thank you for explaining that so succinctly and very powerfully. I think it's important for people to hear that those are the reasons this still is happening.

Okay. I've asked you so many different things. You're an expert in so many different things. Is there anything I didn't get to yet that you want to talk to adult adoptees about? Anything that you think is really important for us to know? Things that you're passionate about that you really want to share with us?

Dr. Susan Branco: Sure. Currently I'm doing research on adult Columbian adoptee first family reunions because that's another area in the [00:37:00] literature where I have actually seen some literature from transnationally adopted adults reuniting with their first families. But I did not see anything specific to Columbian adoptees. And this was another area where I was seeing a lot of anecdotal information about it on social media and just through groups. So I thought we need to have a study about this so that we can offer our community some guidance as to what this may look like on the other side of this, as well as give practitioners, counselors information about how to better support someone who's going through this process. So I'm doing that research now. I'm doing interviews with some amazing people who were willing to be participants and one thing that has really struck is that the participants range in age. So I have some participants who are around my age–I'm in my late [00:38:00] forties–and then I've had some participants who are in their early twenties. And I know in this field I've been doing this kind of work since the early 2000’s, and I have some colleagues who’ve been doing this way before I was, and one of the things we tend to circle back to is we've done so much work trying to educate adoptive parents, adoption agencies about how important it is to be able to offer cultural socialization to your children. So that means not living in an environment where they are the only ones of color, integrating your whole family, not just the child, but your whole family into a community with people that reflect your child. Not just doing culture campuses, wonderful as those can be, but really having your entire family be considered a multiculturally [00:39:00] humble family. And we–the collective we of so many of my amazing colleagues and practitioners and people in academia–have been doing this for years. So when I'm interviewing people and they're in their early twenties and they're sharing with me that they did not get any exposure to their culture growing up. That they remain the only person of color in their community, I can't help but feel demoralized that it's still happening. I still saw it happening even when I was in practice with younger children. And I'm not entirely sure the complete answer as to how we prevent that and how we really get serious about the importance of cultural socialization and raising your children in the community that reflects them so they're not [00:40:00] isolated and carrying that burden by themselves. But it does strike me–it has improved, don't get me wrong–but that there's still so many of us out there that are struggling in isolation. And that really gives me pause. And at the same time, it invigorates me to keep going. And I think that invigorates a lot of our community members to just, we're going to keep doing this so we can reach more people so that people know you are not the only one. Even though it feels that way right now. You are not. You're not alone.

Haley Radke: Have you seen the impact of not having that cultural socialization on the reunion process with their Columbian family of origin?

Dr. Susan Branco: The impact that is starting to emerge based on some of the interviews I've [00:41:00] completed suggest that not having that was one among many other very valid reasons that people wanted to search and reconnect with their first families. And that reconnection, people are describing it as allowing them to discover who their true self might be, allowing them to reclaim some of the culture they have lost. And allowing them to alter their narratives so that it's not this narrative exclusively focused on loss and grief. Not dismissing that, of course, but also being filled with an alternative ending that they've been empowered to reclaim.

Haley Radke: Again, there's that resilience, right? There's something so powerful about that. That's really fascinating. I am wondering, [00:42:00] I'm not sure exactly how to ask this. I know an adoptee who would identify as Latinx and also say they are white-passing and has gone through a journey of trying to do cultural reclamation. Do you have thoughts on that? I think, for me, watching their journey, it was beautiful to me and fascinating and it looked to me like it was empowering for them. I wonder if you've seen that or if you can talk a little bit about that?

Dr. Susan Branco: Throughout our talk, I've been thinking about one of my favorite models for transracial and transnationally adopted persons’ identity development. And one of my favorite models–and I maintain it's one of the best models–is called the reculturation model. And that was a model developed by Dr. Amanda Baden and [00:43:00] colleagues back in 2012. She is a huge name in the adoption field, wonderful academic and practitioner. And this was a model looking at how we reclaim our identity, how we reculturate, because we're not acculturating, that's different to what our unique circumstances are. And we are not enculturating, because that's also a bit different. We are reculturating; we're reclaiming our past. So the process that you described with your friend is a very common process that many people will start to engage in maybe late adolescence through emergent adulthood all the way throughout adulthood to reclaim what was lost for them and to work through determining what is my identity.

Now, speaking about Columbia, I can tell you that that identity is something that I don't believe is unique to [00:44:00] adoptees. From my visits to Columbia and from my reading about the country as a whole, we certainly are a colonized country ourselves, and there is a sense of lighter skin being held at higher value from the Spanish colonizers. However, most people, many people in Columbia, are considered mestizo: we are indigenous as well as European. So it presents a whole host of wonderful diversity. We also have a large Afro-Caribbean influence in Columbia; we have a Middle Eastern presence. So it's really a biodiverse country and diverse in its people. But that process of determining where do I fall? And particularly in a country like the United States where there's not a lot of room to have anything that falls outside the [00:45:00] census boxes that we often have to fill. And I have seen many people in our community having, out of survival, quite frankly, and out of this piece about not being culturally socialized, being able to pass as white sometimes. It doesn't work all the time, but sometimes. And really that's out of survivorship if that's going to be something that helps you to get through life because that's how you're being accepted, then it makes complete sense to me that people might go in that direction. Often, it’s some sort of pivotal moment when people start discovering I am not just that. I may be part European but I do have this other part of me. DNA testing has certainly opened a lot of people's eyes about, “Wow, I do have these different parts of me, and what does that mean? What does that say about who my ancestors are? How do I connect with my [00:46:00] ancestral heritage? How do I explore that? Part of me that I didn't even fully know existed because no one had shared that with me. No one had exposed me to that possibility.” So as adults, I see a lot of people really digging into that and leaning into that part of who they are and reclaiming it.

Haley Radke: Thank you so much for explaining that. I wrote down a lot of new phrases from you that I'm going to have to read more about and I love the concept of cultural reculturation from Dr. Baden. She's a superstar in our community, for sure. This was so amazing. I'm so glad we got the chance to talk.

I would love it if we could do some recommended resources now. I usually start, and it's not going to be any surprise that I'm going to recommend to everyone that they make sure to check out some of your writing, Susan, because it's so important. And I've [00:47:00] talked about this a little bit lately, but you guys can read academic publications. You can do it. So I know sometimes it's really hard to get your hands on some of these articles, but what I found out is lots of the authors of the studies, even though they might only be accessible if you're part of a university or something and you go to your library and you can get access. But sometimes the authors of the studies will email you a copy of the article. So would that be okay, Susan, what do you think?

Dr. Susan Branco: Definitely. I'm more than happy to provide copies of articles, and people email me all the time to ask. I'm always honored.

Haley Radke: Beautiful. I love that. And I especially want you guys to check out “The Columbian Adoption House: A Case Study” from Adoption Quarterly, which is what we were talking about earlier. I thought it was really interesting and, of course, I thought it was cool that you did in-depth interviews with adoptees, because I feel like I do a little tiny piece of that every week. [00:48:00] But it was really fascinating to read pieces of their stories, and there's direct quotes from fellow adoptees in there. So I think you guys will really find that fascinating. And again, just like Susan told us, this is real research that you can show to someone and they will take it more seriously because it's peer-reviewed in a journal for all the academics that it is important to. It's legit. And it's very well written. I learned a lot from it. So thank you so much for that. That's what I'm going to recommend. What about you? What would you like to recommend to us?

Dr. Susan Branco: I am a huge fan of the Rudd Adoption Center at Amherst University. They host in-person, and this year virtual, conferences that always address something new and unique to our community. This year the topic happened to be the journey of adult adoptees, I believe. I might be getting that name slightly wrong, [00:49:00] but they are offering free YouTube videos with conversations with different panelists from the conference. And they also offer accessible white papers that talk about certain issues in adoption so you don't need to go through the peer-reviewed journal process or you are able to access that from their website. So I find that a wonderful resource because it's all things adoption and very good research.

Haley Radke: I have been watching some of those on YouTube and they're really well done. Lots of people that you guys probably already know. So I definitely second that. I didn't know that they had some white papers. That's fantastic. I'm going to have to check that out. Thank you so much for recommending that. I think the more we support what we want to see more of, it's just that circle, I think. So yes, I love that. That's so good. Thank you so much. I really enjoyed hearing from you and about your [00:50:00] expertise. Just so generous. Thank you.

Dr. Susan Branco: Thank you for inviting me. I'm just honored to be here.

Haley Radke: You can find Dr. Branco's website at drsusanbranco(dot)com, where there's a contact form if you'd like to request access to her Columbia House article. She's also on LinkedIn and on Twitter at drsusan (underscore) branco. I have links for you in the show notes to all of those spots. I am so grateful that I get to share these amazing conversations with you, thrilled to be reading academic papers to find the gems of humans to bring to you so we can learn more from experts. Thank you again, Susan. I'm so thankful that you shared with us.

And, guys, this podcast is not possible without listener support, and it [00:51:00] continues. My listeners are paying the bills and it's amazing. Thank you so much to all of my supporters. I have almost 200 on Patreon. We're just about there. So exciting. Adopteeson.com/partner has details of how you can support the show, help keep it sustainable, help keep paying all the costs for my editor and all the extra things it takes to have this podcast out into the world.

So if you love Adoptees On, if you want it to continue, if you want us to reach more adoptees who maybe are feeling alone and not connected into community, I would encourage you to go to adopteeson.com/partner if that's something that you're able to do. If not, another amazing way you can support the show is, literally, just tell one person about this episode. Maybe you have a friend who loves reading academic journals and they just really want to learn more [00:52:00] about adoption, and they would probably find this conversation fascinating. So share the show with just one person. That's a huge gift.

We are coming back to the Estrangement Series. Don't worry, we'll be back with more episodes focusing on estrangement and, of course, our regular episodes and more Healing Series episodes. Lots in the works for you for 2021. Thanks so much for listening. Let's talk again next Friday.

170 Alice Stephens

Transcript

Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/170


Haley Radke: [00:00:00] This show is listener supported. You can join us and help our show grow to support more adoptees by going to adopteeson.com/partner.

You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Episode 170, Alice. I'm your host, Haley Radke. Alice Stephens, author of Famous Adopted People, joins us today. I was honored to hear her describe her childhood, which included years in Botswana.

Of course, we talk about writing in her book reviews. If you ever need a book recommendation for an adoptee-focused look at adoption, Alice is an expert. She even shares a piece of her story I didn't know about her search in Korea for biological family. We wrap up with some recommended resources, and, as always, links to everything we'll be talking about today are on the website adopteeson.com. Let's listen in. [00:01:00]

I'm so pleased to welcome to Adoptees On, Alice Stephens. Welcome, Alice.

Alice Stephens: Thank you, Haley. I'm so pleased to be here.

Haley Radke:* I can't wait. Would you mind sharing a bit of your story with us?

Alice Stephens: Sure. So I was born in 1967 in South Korea. My mother was Korean and my father was an American soldier in Korea. I feel like I was adopted at a very crucial point in adoption history because it was the sixties, late sixties, and it was in the era where adoption was coming out of the closet, so to speak. People were becoming more and more aware that adoption is not something that happens in every family. And in the sixties, the Korean adoption movement that began in the fifties, right after the Korean War, was growing. And we were the first big group of transnational adoptees into the United States. [00:02:00] And when you have a transracial adoptee–somebody who does not look like her family–then everybody in the world knows you're adopted. And again, it cannot be hidden. So a lot of people were becoming more aware of adoption. They were seeing these Korean adoptees or other transracial adoptees and gears were going off in their heads. And so the narrative of adoption was slowly changing. I actually had a newspaper article written about me, and I know I'm not the only one, the only Korean adoptee, who had newspaper articles written about them. The whole emphasis is on how do-gooder it is to adopt these children. How it is a benevolent thing, a self-sacrificing thing even, that they say about my parents. They were [00:03:00] healthy, young, and successful. They had their own children but they selflessly decided to adopt another child. And if you just look at the language in this article that was written in 1969, it is just a fascinating document about the language that surrounded adoption at that time and the way that they were changing the whole concept of adoption. Okay, so I'm getting off track here.

So I was adopted into my family in 1968. I arrived at nine months old. My adoptive family is white. I have three siblings who are the biological children of my parents. I am the youngest. We were this family of three blonde-headed children and me, and we attracted interest pretty much everywhere we went. We lived in Philadelphia for four years. And then after that we moved to Gaborone, Botswana, which is in Southern Africa. And that was a [00:04:00] wonderful experience for me because childhood: it was a land without any TV, without any stoplights. We lived in one of the only two-storey houses in the city. It was a city, it's the capital of Botswana, but at the time it was actually 15,000 people. So it was a small town. I had a really golden childhood just running free. But, in Botswana there were probably about five East Asians, five people who looked like me in the whole town. And so I never saw people who looked like me. And the natives, the people who lived in Botswana, they hadn't seen people who looked like me either. So there would be people who pointed at me and talked about me, pulled their eyes, all that sort of thing. So even though I belonged, I always also knew that I didn't belong and that there was something about me that was really different.

Then we moved back to America when I was in fifth grade. [00:05:00] We moved to the suburbs of Washington, DC, which is actually where I live now. I went to public school, fifth grade. Again, I was the only Asian kid in my class. Another thing about the time that I was adopted was in 1965 immigration laws had changed. Before that basically black and brown people were kept out of America, and it was only the “desirable” European immigrants that were allowed in. They changed that in 1965 and so up until then there were Asians in America but most of them had come before the laws, which for the Chinese were established in, like, 1880 and for the rest of the Asians it was, like, 1925. So for that long period of time, there were no Asian immigrants into America. So when I came to the suburb, [00:06:00] there was hardly any sign of Asian cultural life even though I lived in the nation's capital, which has all sorts of cultures that come there as part of the seat of government. So I grew up really divorced from my genetic cultural background.

My parents are very progressive, very liberal. Of course, they always told me that I was adopted. I always knew my story. I always had access to my adoption file. They had some books about Asian people for young children. One was called The Chinese Next Door, written by Pearl S. Buck. And the way that they depicted Asian people was really as a very different other. And so that kind of affected me, too, as I was growing up, but, like many adoptees, I just didn't realize it. That conflict in my mind was something that I [00:07:00] ignored, but it also affected me terribly. I hated to be singled out as an Asian. I hated the prejudice that I got. It made me really angry. The older I got, the less self-confidence I would have because people would pull their eyes at me, make fun of me. And I grew up in a white world and I thought I was white. And when you get this sort of pushback, “No, you're not white,” it's called cognitive dissonance. And it is a pretty big problem for a lot of transracial adoptees, and it manifests itself, I think, most in adolescence when you're exploring your place in the world, other people are exploring their places in the world, and people like to tell you don't belong in your place. So my teenage years were pretty rough. I had very low self-confidence and I just [00:08:00] basically became a juvenile delinquent and defied everything. Defied the stereotypes about Asian people, defied the stereotypes about adopted people. I was just a bad kid, but I had a very strong family structure around me and I had all that love and I had a lot of information about the world, education, reading, all those things. They gave me all those tools to build my own identity. The only thing they didn't give me was the understanding that it was okay to feel different things about being adopted.

We never talked about adoption as like, how do you feel about it? What do you know? How does it affect you? What's it like for you to be the only Asian person ever in a room? We never talked about it, and even my mother says today, “I don't think of you as Asian.” [00:09:00] And this is very common for transracial adoptees. Your parents tell you, “We don't see your race.” Which is a beautiful sentiment, but it doesn't work in the real world because everybody else does see a race and everybody else tells you about it. And in America, in the Western world, race is one of the biggest defining characteristics, right or wrong. And the more tools that you have to deal with that, the better. And as an adoptee, I didn't have any of those tools.

I did have tools from my parents about getting in touch with my Asian side. My mother majored in Chinese in college. She had a big interest in China. And so in high school I started to study Chinese and I started to get more interested in Asian culture. At the time, there was really [00:10:00] no evidence of Korean culture, and I'm talking about the late eighties now. So the dominant cultures were Chinese and Japanese, and those are the ones that I started to explore. I went to study in China when I was in college. I lived in Japan. But I didn't really think very much about how I was Korean. I thought about how I was Asian because that's what Americans told me: I was Asian or Chinese or Japanese. But I didn't really think about the Korean part. I got married, had kids, still thinking about adoption, but really more like thinking about it in order to ignore it than thinking about it in order to think about it.

And my mom said, “Why don't you look for your Korean mother?”, when I was in my mid-twenties. And I said, “Oh, okay.” And more for her, I wrote a letter off to the agency and they said, “Oh, we can maybe help you for $500.” [00:11:00] And I said, “No. I'm not gonna do that.” And then I moved on. Also, in those years, I really had to find out who I was and I had to be comfortable with the person that I was. I had to break the bad habit of the person that I was when I was younger and become a better person. I had to look at myself and ask why was I not kind of a good person when I was younger, and I just had to figure my shit out, and so I did. It took me a long time. I think a lot of adoptees are slow bloomers. I think a lot of us come to things late. So it took me a long time. I had my own kids, first time I ever saw my flesh and blood was with my son, and that was like wow. And so I was just concentrating on my kids, myself, my family, my career, just life. And then [00:12:00] when my kids were in high school, I had a lovely job and then the 2008 recession came and I was fired. I picked up some other work around that, but I thought to myself, what I really want to do is be a writer and now is the time to start doing it. And so I started to get serious about writing. I'd always been serious about writing, but serious about being a published writer and growing that persona of a writer, being a writer, living as a writer, which means writing. A lot of people don't realize that writing is you actually have to sit down eight hours a day, or whatever, and write.

Haley Radke: Yes. I'm sorry, I'm laughing because there's so many of us that are like, “Oh my gosh, wouldn't it be great to have a book? But we don't really wanna sit down and write.”

Alice Stephens: Yeah, it's like any, anything. You have to practice, practice, practice. You can't just [00:13:00] sit down and write this magnum opus. It takes a lot of time. So I was really fortunate and I had that time, I had that support, and so I started writing. I started with book reviews and I got a column about writing.

Actually, I have to go back. I did start a novel when I was living in Japan, and I wrote this novel. It's a really good novel. When I got fired, I was like halfway through it, so I finished it. After that, I got an agent. I got another agent. It never got picked up. And then I said, “Why don't you write what you know?” That's what they tell you to do. Write what you know. And I said, “Okay. I know adoption.” There are no adoption books–fiction books–out there that I could find. There were very, very few authentic adoption fiction books. There are a lot of novels written about adoption that are not written by adoptees and that mishandled the whole subject of adoption. [00:14:00] So I said, “This is what I'm gonna do.” I wrote the book very quickly. Like nine months, which is very quick for a book. And then I tried to sell it and nobody would pick it up. So it took five years to sell the book. Five years. And I got more than 60 rejections

Haley Radke: For Famous Adopted People?

Alice Stephens: Yeah.

Haley Radke: Wow.

Alice Stephens: Yeah, so it was a really big wake-up call and a really big eye-opener about how the publishing business works.

Haley Radke: Can I ask you a personal question about that?

Alice Stephens: Yes.

Haley Radke: When you said 60 rejections, my stomach flipped. For me, and I know lots of adoptees, rejection–our beginnings start with a rejection. So how was it getting those? Were you taking it very personally because this is the thing you know, you're writing about adoption. What was that like? [00:15:00]

Alice Stephens: Yeah, well, rejection is a huge part of writing, which yes, as adoptees, we hate rejection. And the biggest irony is that I'm in one of those businesses where you have got to have a really tough, thick skin because rejection is the norm. Acceptance is not the norm. Rejection, rejection, rejection. How did I deal with the rejection from the publishers? Actually, they made it easy because the things that they said were so ridiculous. They'd say, “Oh, this is a good story.” Or, it was, “Yeah, I read it. I read it in one night.” But then they'd say things like, “Americans don't like to read about foreign countries.” “Americans don't like characters with foreign names.” “Americans don't like dialogue.” It was all about the foreign and all about how people [00:16:00] couldn't connect and, to me, it spoke of them being afraid, like of them. Nobody said, “This is a pile of crap. You can't write. Give it up. Go home.” They were–not all–but most of them were what we call “good” rejections. There was encouragement in there. There was “This is a good book, but it's not for me.”

The thing about being an editor is you have to totally fall in love with a book. You have to know it. You have to understand it in order to champion it. Who are the people who work in publishing? They're not generally people who are going to look at adoption from a critical point of view. My idea is that the people in adoption are the type of people who adopt children, or the type of people who know people who have adopted children or have adopted transracial children. And that makes them like, “Well, she's trying to tell a different kind of a story. And we can't tell a different kind of story. [00:17:00] America knows one story and why are we gonna try and change the subject? People aren't gonna buy it. There's no market.” So that's what they told me. So I didn't take the rejection personally, and I kept on going. My agent left. My agent, she actually did a great job. She has an adopted, Chinese-born child. She actually did a really good job in representing me. She went over and above, but eventually she said, “Nobody's touching it. I've done everything I can.” So then I went out on my own, and I was sending out cold, and a miracle happened. It's really a miracle that I sent my cold slush file without an agent to The Unnamed Press, which is this amazing indie press in LA, and they picked it up and it was just like, wow.

So anyway, while writing the book [00:18:00] and then in preparing to publish it, I began to get more aware of the adoption community out there. Up until then, I had no idea that there were all these people like you who have been going on for years and years making this community, these communities, and actually organizing on the ground and getting adoptees together. And it's really been so wonderful for me to find out that there are all of these adoptee organizations out there.

Haley Radke: I'm curious because you were saying that you had written part of your novel and then after you got laid off you finished the rest of it and you had this thread of “Oh, maybe I'll look for my mother because my mother said I should.” Where's coming out of the fog in that process for you? Because there's lots of things in the book. When the Adoptees On Patreon group read it as a Book Club book [00:19:00], we found so many themes in it. We were like, “Oh, this is like that.” We were picking all these things out that I would identify as being metaphors for being out of the fog, understanding the adoptee experience at a deeper level. So how about that? Can you talk a little bit about that, like your mindset and things about adoption, while writing?

Alice Stephens: As I said before, I wanted to write a book that refuted the other books that had come out about adoption that were written by non-adoptees, and there are a lot of them out there. I've reviewed some of them. So I wanted to turn those tropes upside down. And I think when I was writing Famous Adopted People, I was writing out all the things that I'd been thinking about for all these years but that I just didn't have an opportunity to articulate because I wasn't sitting down to write a formal book or essay or anything about adoption. [00:20:00] Previous to that, the book that I wrote when I was fired was actually a historical fiction novel. So it didn't really occur to me to write an adoption novel until it did, and then I just sat down and everything that came out of me was things that had been churning around in my mind. And by getting it down on paper, I was able to figure out all those different threads. Writing is about revision, revision, revision. So it wasn't like I just put it all down there and then it all made sense. I put it down there, it was a big ugly mess, and then slowly started unbraiding it and then re-braiding it and making it into a coherent hole. I was also very lucky with my editor, Chris Heiser, at Unnamed Press. The manuscript that I submitted to him was different. He gave me a lot of good pointers about how to make the story more exciting. Like [00:21:00] he said, “You have to have Lisa, the protagonist, at least try to get out.” In my first manuscript, she didn't try to get out of her imprisonment. So anyway, he just helped me make a better manuscript. And then while I was revising and revising, ideas are congealing in my mind. Like I'm being able to see things more clearly.

I think that a lot of adoptees are creative and that by using their creative whatever, whatever that impulse is inside them, they are working out all those emotional and mental things that are within them. By using that creative expression, they're able to articulate their feelings in a way that they might not be able to just sitting down with their friends, or whatever. And by doing it through their art form, that then helps them to be able to articulate with their friends and their family those more basic expressions. [00:22:00]

Haley Radke: There's so much processing that we do throughout our lifetimes. So I love how you're talking about getting this all out and, really, you're probably discovering some more things about yourself and your true opinions by writing. I love that. That's so fascinating.

So you do book reviews for the Washington Independent. I was reading through multiple of your reviews in preparation for our conversation today, and this line stuck out to me and I would love for you to talk about this in your work–you've already addressed it–but now talking about it from a reviewer point of view. You say, “As an adoptee and book reviewer, I greet each new book about adoption with trepidation and hope.” That is gold. What a good line, Alice.

Alice Stephens: Thank you. Well, if [00:23:00] it's an adoptee-written book, then I'm all open. All for it. But if it's a book that is not written by an adoptee, chances are good that they are taking this subject in a predatory manner because it's a subject that can be milked for lots of human drama and it goes down to the very basics of our civilization: the family union and genetic tribes and that sort of thing. I think for maybe, I don't know, the last 30 years, the adoption narrative has been dominated by non-adopted people. You see that in a lot of the books that are offered. And so, as a book reviewer, I started to review whatever books that I found that were about adoption. One of them is The Tea Girl of Hummingbird Lane by Lisa See, or [00:24:00] Good People by J.D.? I don't remember her last name. But they were both using adoption as a vehicle instead of as the theme. They were riding the vehicle rather than trying to be the vehicle. I don't know if that makes sense. They were just not invested in adoption as a real story. They were using it for their own purposes and making a narrative that, for one, follows a pattern that is the same in many of the same books which is the adoptee gets rescued, and does not rescue herself, and the adoptee is just lost and waiting for somebody to come. Whether it's the adoptive parent to come and take them to their forever home, or whether it's their birth mother or father coming to show them who they really are. [00:25:00] The adoptee, I say, is the object of the story rather than the subject. And what the adoption story should be about is the adoptee and her journey and not about somebody else, the savior who comes to save the adoptee. So many books are the adoptee is the object and not the subject of the story. And whenever I see a book by a non-adopted person, I say it is most likely that person is using the adoptee as the object and not the subject. The object to be acted upon, not the subject who saves herself.

Haley Radke: Thank you. I think it's really only in the last few years I've been hearing that term “own voices” and to apply it to adoptee authors as an own voice, I think is important. And you're sharing mostly with adoptee listeners right now. [00:26:00] What would you say to us about our reading habits or the ways we consume or give reviews or any of those kinds of things? How can we influence publishing to hear more from adoptee authors like yourself and read the kind of stories that we do want told to be mainstream?

Alice Stephens: Yeah, I think it's just by raising your voices and being heard. I mean, by writing book reviews yourself. It is so important that adoptees write book reviews about adoption books. But again, it's like there's this big sort of barrier to it. I've tried to get into the New York Times or the Washington Post to review books about adoption, but it's hard. They don't answer my call and they don't seem to feel like there's a need to have [00:27:00] adoptees review books about adoption. Whereas there is now a movement to have people who write black books be reviewed by black writers and that sort of thing. But the adoptee thing, and I think it's because maybe, I don't know. My mission is to have more adoptees write. I try to encourage adoptees to become writers because I think that's really the way. Adoptees are writing; adoptees are speaking up. And it's got to grow. The movement has to coalesce and grow and become a little more unified maybe. But definitely, adoption is becoming a lot more of a topic of concern, a lot more of a fashionable topic, and not just from the adoptive parents’ (view), but they're starting to listen to adoptees more. [00:28:00] It is slow. But anyway, what can you do? I think that adoptees can write reviews like on Good Reads, Amazon and that sort of thing. Saying: I'm an adoptee and this is adoptee-approved and articulating why this is a good book or this is a bad book. Especially, bad reviews, I think, are pretty important too: I'm an adoptee. This book is harmful to adoptees. This book is [censored] and don't read it. So I think that just being more vocal and letting people know what we think.

Haley Radke: [00:29:00] Okay. I have always encouraged people to make sure they're doing the reviews for adoptee authors, but I love that idea, too, of making sure we're giving critical feedback to the books that are making us into tropes. And I wanted to just circle back just to talk about your reviews and how you've pitched to some bigger publications and they don't want to hear from adoptee voices. I was just talking with one of my friends and comparing and contrasting your review of American Baby by Gabriel Glaser from an adoptee perspective versus the New York Times review. And we were like, “We need to hear Alice's. That's what people need to hear.” And so I'm cheering you on. We are going to hear more from you. More from you about adoption-related books in future, I'm sure.

Alice Stephens: Thank you.

Haley Radke: Another thing I wanted to ask you about is from another one of your articles. You were writing about the original cancel culture. I've heard you express before that publishing is so white and it's very hard for people of color to really break in. And one of the lines where you were talking about this [00:30:00] is “White gatekeepers favoring white voices that cater to a white audience.” Can you speak to that, please? I think it's very important for us to understand that.

Alice Stephens: So, as we said before, most of the people who are in high places in publishing are white, and there's been a lot written about it. Just recently, some changes have been made, I'm talking about just the last few months, and some people of color have been put in charge of a few publishing houses or have been made into editors with power. But it's a very slow process and there is incredible resistance to it in the publishing industry because culture has always been white in America. That's always been the way that culture has been defined, and the people who tell you what culture is have always been white. [00:31:00] That's the way it's always been and it's very resistant to change. I work at a bookstore and I work in outside events where we do events that are outside the bookstore. And I am one of maybe 18 people who work on that staff. We all work there because we love books. I'm the only one who's a person of color and there are only two men. So they're basically older, white women. And I see the way that they read, what they read, what they're told to read. They read what the book reviews tell them to read. “Oh, did you see that Ron Charles loved this book? I'm gonna read it.” And they put it on their list. “Oh, the New York Times said this book's lovely.” And so they're going to read it. All those people, they read what the publishing industry tells them is the biggest, latest book. And while there are a lot of writers of color out there who are making it onto those lists, they're basically, I think, still [00:32:00] dominated by what I would call a lot of mediocre white writing. And it's just a group-think of what you're going to read next, which is dictated to you by the book reviewer who gets it dictated to them by the publishing company.

So I think we've heard about American Dirt, which was a novel that was published, I think, by Grand Central. It was given like a million-dollar publicity budget and the cultural purveyor said, this book is a great immigration novel. And it turned out to be written by a white woman who has a grandmother who's Puerto Rican. But there was a lot of controversy about it because she totally wrote it from a white person's point of view even though it was supposed to be about a Mexican woman and her son. In [00:33:00] reaction to the pushback that people of color gave to this author, you see white cultural critics come out and defend, they get very defensive about it. And people literally said, “I'm just gonna go out and buy this book because people tell me not to.” And I see that as tribalism. I see that as people getting very scared that the white viewpoint is no longer the dominant viewpoint. When they're told that maybe a book that they loved as a child, like Little House on the Prairie, has lots of racist things in it, they get defensive. They don't want to hear that. It just seems to me like there's such a white mindset that, even when it is liberal and open, is actually very closed and very defensive and very self-centered, very privileged. I don't know how to break that. But I [00:34:00] think the best way, really, is to stop having people who write reviews be white people talking to white people, and just be people talking to readers.

Haley Radke: Thank you. I keep bringing out some of my old childhood books to read to my kids at bedtime, and I'm really shocked by some of the things. I've had to skip entire chapters because I don't reread it before I start reading to them. And I think, “Oh my gosh, this is what was filling my head as a child.” And I'm in my late thirties so it wasn't all that long ago. And so yeah, we haven't come very far. But I appreciate that the challenges for us is we need to be reading with our eyes open, as well, and choosing and not just having the [00:35:00] so-called gatekeepers being the ones to tell us what to read. And I think you very much challenged us as well, not necessarily just in this interview, but with your work as a book reviewer. Reading so many great reviews you've done, I'm like, “Oh, I think that book would really stretch me.” So I really appreciate that. I think it's really important.

Alice Stephens: Oh, thank you. If I could just add one thing about book reviews. I make it my mission to review the lesser-known books. When I first started out, I wanted to review all the big books, but now I don't have much interest. There are many people who are going to review those books. Those books are going to get all the publicity they want. I want to bring attention to the smaller books, maybe the more challenging books, or the off-kilter books, to let people know that they're out there too.

Haley Radke: That's perfect. I think some people have [00:36:00] looked at who I interview on the podcast and been like, “Oh, we really wanna hear from this famous person or this famous person.” And I'm like, “Well, they're already famous, I wanna highlight adoptees with all different stories. We wanna hear all the real stories.” And I don't know about you, but sometimes I think, what if I did land a big interview, Alice with some big name, who knows? Are they really going to come on and tell us their real feelings about adoption? I don't know. Probably not. Anyway, that's just my aside if you're ever wondering why I haven't tried to get some super famous person on–just because the name of your book keeps staring at me, Famous Adopted People.

Before we recommend resources, is there anything else you want to share with us about your story or about your work? I just really want adoptees to hear from your heart so is there anything I missed asking you about that you want to get to? [00:37:00]

Alice Stephens: You didn't miss asking about it. I just didn't get to it. I just want to say that I am looking for my Korean mother. I went back to Korea with a group called Me & Korea and I went back on the Hapa tour. So we were all mixed-race Korean adoptees. And the woman who runs it, a lovely woman–Minyoung Kim– has nothing to do with adoption, but she's made it her life mission to get Korean adoptees reacquainted with Korea and she runs these tours. She took me and my husband one day just to search the neighborhood where I was born. We had a picture of my birth mother, my birth father, and we went to this neighborhood where older Korean women who used to live around the army camps lived. We knocked on their doors. We showed them the photo. None of them knew, but pretty soon we were like a [00:38:00] little parade of people going door to door, and all of them hoping for me. That just really, really touched me. We did find where I was born, which, for me, that's like my only connection to that time in my life. So it was very, very moving.

Also, I have found my half-brother through DNA. I found my birth father’s family through Ancestry. I got the results back that said: this person's your first cousin. It took me about six months to decide to contact her because I was very nervous about it, and once you open that box, you can't close it back up. But I did, and she right away knew who my birth father was. He is now deceased. But I have a half-brother. I have two half-siblings, and the half-brother and I are in close contact. He's a nice guy and we text a lot. And so that's been [00:39:00] great. And someday I hope to go to California where his family is from. And, it turns out that I'm a total mutt besides my half-Korean part. My birth father was Mexican-American. So I am like 15% Native American, 25% Spanish, Portuguese. I have some Northern European, I have 2% Ashkenazi Jew, 2% Congolese African blood. Oh, and I have 2% Neanderthal genes! So I'm just like all over the place.

Haley Radke: Who are they matching up with the Neanderthal genes? Sorry. We just did an episode about DNA testing a couple months ago. It's all very fascinating. Thank you for sharing that. I wish I could ask you more about it, but we have to do our resources now. Maybe next time. [00:40:00]

No one will be surprised that I will recommend your novel, Famous Adopted People. What a page-turner. It was a wild ride. There are some very uncomfortable things that happen. And when we, as a book club, dug in and were looking at all the symbolism and things, it was just very mind-opening. And I have this note to myself to remind me to mention this: There are some really stirring passages about adoptee rights and advocacy topics. I just felt it very comforting when I came across those because I'm always like, “Okay, if a normal (I don't know why I call 'em that) someone who's not connected to adoption, so not an adoptee, reads some of those things, I'm like, “Okay, hopefully they'll get it.” [00:41:00] So anyway, I really appreciated that and it is, like I said, a wild ride. I really enjoyed it. I was surprised how much I enjoyed it because, as you said, there's not too much adoptee fiction and so I literally had no idea going in what it was going to be like. And it was really great. I loved it. There was one part–I don't want to spoil anything. I'm not going to spoil it, but we did do a Book Club on it and if you're on the Adoptees On Patreon, you can go and hear that. It's so good. Loved it. And, I said I spent all this time reading your book reviews on the Washington Independent. I think people should go check those out too, because their reading list is just going to get filled right up. So thanks for that.

Alice Stephens: Thank you.

Haley Radke: Is there anything you want to tell us about your book? Or you can just go ahead and recommend your resource?

Alice Stephens: Okay, I thank you very much for that lovely talk-up of my book. I think you said everything that I'd want to say. I'm so glad that you liked it and I was so glad to be part of that Book Club. I've done a lot of book clubs before but I've never done an Adoptee Book Club, and it was just amazing to be able to [00:42:00] talk to people and not have to explain everything and not have to be the spokesperson for adoption. And I think one problem with my book is that people, adoptees and non-adoptees, approach it like this is going to be The fiction book about adoption. It's just one book. There's so much more to be said and it's such a huge topic, so complex. I just hope that a lot more adoptee writers can get published. I know there are a lot of them out there. One thing I want to quickly mention: this is very preliminary, but I'm hoping to start an adoption literary festival with Marci Calabretta Cancio-Bello. We are in the preliminary stages of trying to organize an adoption literary festival for adoptee authors only. So hopefully we're going to do that and you'll be the first to know if we do.

Haley Radke: You let us know because we'll tell [00:43:00] everyone all about it. Alright, watch for that. Okay, what did you want to share with us today?

Alice Stephens: My resource is called Side by Side. You can find it at sidebysideproject (dot) com. And it is the project of Glenn and Julie Morey. Glenn Morey is a Korean adoptee and a filmmaker. He has this project where he interviewed a hundred Korean adoptees. It just so perfectly showcases how we are all so different and all the same. It's just a subsection of adoptees, Korean adoptees. Even within that subsection there is this huge array of stories. He interviews Korean orphans who never got adopted, and so everybody from Korean orphans to [00:44:00] people who got adopted, and just the stories are amazing. It's just the interview and the person speaking; it goes from maybe 10 minutes to an hour. And I am fascinated by every single minute. I'm going through it slowly because I can't just sit down and watch a hundred at a time. And I also like to have time in between to think about the stories and to also differentiate the people. But there is every adoption story there from the most horrific to the most fairytale. And there's every emotion, but every single person has that pain, that adoption knot that they had to either work through or that's still sitting there really tight in their chest. And so it's just amazing to see. And the validation that it's okay to [00:45:00] feel that way. It's okay that I felt this way my whole life. They did too. It is really great.

Haley Radke: That power of not feeling alone. Holy-moly, that's huge. It's so huge for us. The other thing I just wanted to mention, because most of us love listening to podcasts, Side by Side is also available on Audible, if you want to hear the stories. I think they announced that towards the end of last year. And it's now an Audible Original.

Alice Stephens: Oh, that's great.

Haley Radke: Yes. Very cool.

Alice Stephens: One thing about watching it, though, is that a lot of the adoptees are from other countries so another great thing is that you don't just get the American adoption story. The adoptees are from Denmark and France and so you get all of these adoption stories and different cultural approaches to the adoption. Though, they're all pretty much the same [00:46:00]. All the approaches to adoption are pretty much like: “You're adopted into this family, and that's it.” But yeah, it's just a fascinating document and I'm so glad that they did it.

Haley Radke: Awesome. I'm sure lots of people will be heading over there to check that out, and we will link it in the show notes. Speaking of, where can we connect with you online, Alice?

Alice Stephens: I have a website which is very convenient and easy to remember. It's famousadoptedpeople (dot) com.

Haley Radke: Perfect. And all of Alice's links will be in our show notes so you can follow her and all the places and the links to that are on her website as well. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I so enjoyed our conversation.

Alice Stephens: Thank you, Haley. Thank you so much for everything that you do for the adoptee community. I'm just so impressed by people like you who've been out there, and you getting your voice out there and gathering up all the other adoptees and giving us a place to come and feel like [00:47:00] a part of a community and feel like we're not weird and strange and unlovable and all those things. I really appreciate it and really admire you guys for doing this.

Haley Radke: My honor. Thanks so much.

Alice sent me one more link she wants you to know about. It's her piece recommending four novels that get adoption right. I've got it linked in the show notes for you. It'll help you find your next read after you finish Famous Adopted People.

As I mentioned briefly in my chat with Alice, she joined me and some of my Patreon supporters for a Book Club conversation about Famous Adopted People, which was stunningly insightful. I enjoyed it so much. If you'd like to access that or any of the other bonuses, I have for Patreon supporters, head to adopteeson.com/partner for more details. Without supporters like you, I can't sustainably make the show. I'm so grateful for those of you that are able to help keep it going. [00:48:00] One free way to help the show is to share this episode with just one person. Perhaps you have a friend that's a voracious reader and they may like to get a few suggestions from Alice.

Thanks for listening. Let's talk again next Friday.

169 [Estrangement Seires] Leigh Bailey

Transcript

Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/169


Haley Radke: [00:00:00] This show is listener supported. You can join us and help our show grow to support more adoptees by going to adopteeson.com/partner.

You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Episode 169, Leigh. I'm your host, Haley Radke. Today I get to introduce you to Leigh Bailey. This is another episode of our Estrangement Series. Leigh shares about her reunion and how it started to be about her adoptive family's experience instead of her own.

We talk about how trying to put up safe boundaries can be exhausting and how you decide if estrangement is called for in the situation. Spoiler alert: we can't tell you what's right for you. We wrap up with some recommended resources and, as always, links to everything we'll be talking about today are on the website adopteeson.com.

Let's listen in. [00:01:00]

I'm so pleased to welcome to Adoptees On, Leigh Bailey.

Leigh Bailey: Hi. Hey Haley. Thank you for having me.

Haley Radke: Okay. Your accent, I just have to say it, it's just, it's delicious to listen to. I've told you that before and I'm really excited to hear even hard things from your lovely accent.

Leigh Bailey: Thank you. You're so sweet.

Haley Radke: Well, would you start in by sharing a bit of your story with us?

Leigh Bailey: Yes, I would love to. Thank you. So I was born in January of 1975 in a small town in southwest Georgia. And I was given up for adoption at birth, and three days later I was placed with my adoptive family. My birth mother actually lived in the area where I lived and grew up in. It was a private adoption. Four years after I was born, my parents who had struggled to have their own children ended up getting [00:02:00] pregnant with my sister. And so I have a sister who is biological to them who's four years younger than me. She and my mother are twins. She and my adoptive mother are twins. And I think that was always hard for me growing up because I just felt this disconnect. I was just different. I was just a different person than they were. And my daddy was so sweet. We were outside folks, my daddy and me. And my sister and my mom, they were like shoppers. And I would rather take a beating than be shopping. But growing up I spent a lot of time outside with my dad, and I think he recognized how much alike they were. And just kind of tried to keep me with him.

And so anyways, we never really discussed my adoption. I remember two times where it was discussed: once my mother told me that the doctor who had delivered me told her my birth mother had moved away from our area. I just really [00:03:00] always thought that I came from folks that were lesser than my adopted family. Just having that in the back of my head affected my confidence. I just really always felt like I wasn't up to the same level. I wasn't at par with my adoptive family. I was in the fog until probably about five or six years ago. My youngest daughter is so sweet and she was curious about my adoption. Every now and then she would mention things about my adoption. And then one day I was sitting on the sofa in our den and she came and sat next to me and she said, “Mama, I bet your parents are really sweet, your real parents.” And I said, “That's sweet of you to say.” And I said, “What makes you say that? I'm curious.” And she said, “Because you're sweet.” And I said, “Thank you.” And she goes, “And it's okay if your real daddy's in jail.” And [00:04:00] I thought to myself, “I had that same thought myself; you know, good people don't give kids away. He probably is in jail.” But then I said, “That's really sweet of you to say. I appreciate that.” But then it occurred to me my being adopted and not knowing my biology is about more than just me. It's about my girls, as well, because my biology is their biology.

So I got my husband to do the dirty work. I got him to call the person who would know my biological mother's name, and he made that call and he came back to report what he had learned, and it was not at all the narrative I had had in my head my whole life. My birth mother was actually married and in her early twenties when I was born, and I just could not wrap my mind around a [00:05:00] married couple in their early twenties giving their kid away. I thought maybe she had to have been like 16 or 17. And the parents didn't want her stuck being a parent at that young of an age. That scenario was in my head. And I really just couldn't get my mind around that. So I searched and searched for her, and I finally figured out who she was and realized that she lived, at the current time, real close to where I grew up. She had apparently moved back.

So I took the Ancestry DNA test to see what I could learn about my genealogy and my biology, and I was blown away at what I found. It actually paired me from the very beginning with my birth father, but I couldn't figure out who he was, though. His name is pretty generic. There's a ton of names. It's not like John Smith, but once you Google it, there's like a bazillion of them. So a really good friend [00:06:00] of mine, who's an adoptee as well, her name's Ann Rickert, and she's a friend of the show. She listens to your show and she doesn't mind me saying her name. She helped me figure out who he was, and the reason I couldn't figure him out is because he goes by a nickname. So I had to stalk him on Facebook and Instagram and get a feeling like I felt like these were good people and I wasn't entering into a psychoville type situation. And I reached out to him and it took a while for him to respond. In my mind, since he'd already done the test, I thought maybe he was looking for me. He had no idea I was in this world. He had no prior knowledge of me. So he had lots of processing to do. He was in shock. Fast forward, we speak on the phone for the first time and he asks if he can meet me? And I was elated. I thought, probably, he was going to talk to me on the phone and realized it was too much. He couldn't handle this. Nobody knew about me. How was he going to tell everybody? So he came to visit, [00:07:00] and, Haley, when I tell you, it was like somebody unfogged the mirror for the first time. It was literally like looking at a one-foot-taller-than-me, male version of myself. It was like looking in my own eyes and at my own hands. Our mannerisms were the same and our sense of humor was the same. And for him to have not had any handle in raising me and for us to have such similarities. So my husband asked him during his visit, he said, “I need to know that you're not gonna hurt her. I need to know that you're not gonna go away.” And he said, I remember exactly how he said it, he said, “My wife doesn't know about this and my kids don't know about this, and I can't tell you how they're gonna respond, but I am my own man and I will have a relationship with Leigh.”

Anyways, the last person we ended up telling [00:08:00] about this birth father situation was my adoptive mother. I had shared this whole situation with my adoptive sister the whole time. And she and I, both, just knew that my mother wouldn't handle it very well. My adoptive father was in a memory loss unit with Alzheimer's, and she had a lot going on with his situation, but we really knew, Haley, that there would never be a good time for me to tell her I'd found my birth father.

Haley Radke: How old was she at the time? Because you said your dad was in a memory loss unit.

Leigh Bailey: Yes, my adoptive mom would have been 73 at the time. So I tell her, and she seems to be okay with it. I told her that my birth father was coming for a visit and she said, “Okay, so I would like to have a little get-together at my house for my friends to meet him.” [00:09:00] And I said, “Okay.” That felt like acceptance so I was excited about that. And so he spent the weekend with us and then we all drove down to my mother's house. And it felt like a sip and see, like when you get married and you have all your wedding gifts on display and everybody comes and looks at them, eats some hors d'oeuvres and has some drinks. I remember standing in her place: the men are in one group, the ladies are in another group. My birth father is talking to all the men, and I'm kind of on the periphery of them, and I'm looking over in the den at my mother and her friends and, Haley, it was almost reminiscent of the after the funeral gathering, like when everybody comes back to your house and they're supporting and surrounding you with love. And I thought to myself, “I don't really know how much of this is about me right now. I don't need this. I don't need this stare-at-my-dad party. [00:10:00] This is for her. And that's when I think I started losing control of the reunion, and it started being about how it affected others and not me.

Then about a month or so later, he invited my family and I to come down to his house down in Florida where he lived and meet his family: my birth father, sister, and brother. We had a lovely time. It was a lovely weekend, and he had a little gathering at his house, too. He had some friends over and he had some family over. And I remember one of his siblings walking in with a balloon that said, “It’s a girl!” I really wasn't sure how I felt about that. I think she was trying to be funny and light. [00:11:00] I don't think there was any malintent, but I just remember not knowing. I just was very ambivalent about how that felt for me. The one thing I do remember that struck me is that I'd spent 43 years knowing I was adopted and I thought, I have thought of everything about how adoption feels. There's no way there's anything else left for me to feel or think about, until I started looking around their house and seeing pictures of the four of them together. On trips, holidays, just family gatherings, the beach. And I just remember this huge sadness coming over me, thinking I missed this. I never thought about feeling like this. These people just went on with their life and I was given away and he went on to.

I need to tell this part about it. When I talked to my birth father for the first time, he explained to me that he had been married before I was born. His wife died six months to the date of their marriage, their wedding, very unexpectedly. [00:12:00] And the next three or so years after that he just lived life like that day was his last day. He just had a really wild time. And so I was a product of a one-night stand during that time period. And then he went on after. And then, in this meantime, I'm born. He knows nothing about it. He meets his second wife, marries her, and has two kids. And I'm just looking around at all these pictures and thinking, how did this happen? It just felt tragic and I never ever anticipated that. So we left and went home and as we drove home, it was almost like my adoptive sister, who has a seizure disorder, and there's the progression of a seizure. There's this [00:13:00] buildup at the beginning before the seizure. Then there's the actual seizure, and then there's this postictal state afterwards where you're catatonic and your body's kind of gearing down. I felt like I was in a postictal state on the way home. I was just gearing down from what had just happened that weekend, trying to process it all, take it all in.

After that, I felt like the most popular family member around. All of a sudden, my adoptive sister wants me to be at everything she's got going on, and she lives almost four hours away from me. And then of course, I'm getting invited to do things with my birth family, and I'm trying so hard to keep the playing field level and give everybody their appropriate time. The last thing I wanted was for anybody to say, “Okay, great, here he's in the picture and now we're getting slighted.” So I'm spreading myself thin and running myself ragged, trying to keep everybody happy. [00:14:00] And I'm at my sister's–I can't remember what the occasion was, but I went for something–and somehow my birth family came up and one of her friends said to me, “Just make sure that you don't forget about your family that raised you.” And when I tell you I thought I was going to scream, that's putting it mildly. I thought to myself, “You have no idea what it's like to be adopted. You have no idea what it's like to finally get this chance to know your birth family, and you're gonna throw that in my face?” It's like telling somebody with cancer how they should feel when you've never had cancer. You just don't do that.

So then, I decided I would invite my birth father and his wife to Grandparents' Day for my daughter's Grandparents' Day celebration at her school. And of course my adoptive mother was coming. I'd invited them all to stay at my house. I had it all planned; it was going to be great.

Everybody was going to get to spend some low-key, casual time together in a very relaxed setting at my house. And my adoptive mother said, “I'm not staying in the house with them. They're gonna have to get a hotel.” And in an effort to accommodate her and keep her happy, I had to uninvite them to my house and ask them to pay for a hotel. [00:15:00]

And I remember another time being at the beach, and my husband and I were in the parking lot with my sister discussing my birth family and my sister said, “But you're my sister.” It was like that Steel Magnolias moment where they're just having that meltdown after the funeral. She was having the Steel Magnolias meltdown in the parking lot at the beach. And my husband tried to explain to her, as did I: “Look, you have always known your biology. You have never not had a mirror to look into when you look at your parents. Leigh has never had that. And she has been everything y'all want her to be all these years, and this is her chance to know her biology. This is her time.” And she just responded with, “But she's my sister.” [00:16:00] And I knew right then and there, they weren't going to ever hear it. They were never going to hear it. It was always going to be about how it affected them. They could never pause and have empathy for the situation or to just stop and say, “You know, it must have really been difficult going through life not looking like us and playing along with the narrative that we are her people, going to family reunions, holidays, and aunt so-and-so’s.” There was none of that. There was just no way. And I thought to myself, “I just think there are some people that can't do this. They just can't hear these things.” Maybe it's a predisposition. Maybe they're narcissistic. I don't know what it is.

So I entered into therapy not long after–there were multiple [00:17:00] blowups of that same type–and it just was very clear to me that this was about how it made them feel. Nobody wanted to hear my side. So I entered into therapy, and my therapist immediately identified that I bore guilt for everything. She said, “You just feel guilty for all this stuff that you have nothing to do with, Leigh.” But it was all I knew. And I didn't even realize that it stemmed from originally feeling guilty for wanting to know who I was my entire life. You know, ever since I've been in reunion with my birth father, my mother loves to tell people, “I always told Leigh that we would help her find her real parents if she wanted to.” However, I have not one memory of her saying that to me. And my husband says that in the 22 years he's known me, in the 21 years we've been married, he has never heard her say that, never heard me say that. I think sometimes–and we are all guilty of it–we tend to rewrite history in a way that makes us be able to sleep at night. [00:18:00]

So I entered into therapy and I began discussing do I want to figure out how to set healthy boundaries with them? Or do I want to talk about becoming estranged from them? And I'm all about family preservation. I am, even in my adoptive family’s situation. But when in every encounter I have in person with them or on the phone with them, I have to remember my keywords and I have to remember to set the boundaries, respond with a question. It is exhausting. This is as exhausting as it was for me to go around as a child: every time I enter into public, I look around to see who looks like me. And so I thought to myself, “I just don't know that I can keep this up.” And then I found myself celebrating when my biological father and my adoptive mother would be around each other at the same time. [00:19:00] And she would leave and we would celebrate that she didn't act too bad. It's like, what a thing to celebrate, you know? And you make all these concessions. You don't talk about this, and you try to keep it light and casual, and nobody discusses adoption. There's never been one time when my adoptive mother has thanked my birth father for having me, or my birth father has thanked my adopted mother for raising me. We've never had that conversation. I don't think we ever will. So then, I just felt like she really just wanted the whole thing to fall apart and she was just waiting on the reunion to go south.

So then fast forward to about a year and a half ago, my birth father and his wife decided to divorce. I felt like somebody was divorcing me. I wanted them to stay together so badly. [00:20:00] I don't think I slept the entire summer during that time. He gave me all these reasons why they were divorcing, and I knew that there had been issues when I first met him, but I couldn't help but think, had I not entered the picture, this wouldn't happen. And I thought, “God, why couldn't y'all have just gotten this outta the way before I met you?” But I remember where I was standing when my mother and I were on the phone one night, I was in my driveway and she said to me–and she got this really sweet tone in her voice and I knew something was coming–”Let me just ask you this one question and then I'll leave you alone. Does his wife blame you for the divorce?” I thought my head was going to blow off my shoulders into the stratosphere. I thought to myself, “There is no way under the sun I would want either of my two girls that I love so much to assume that level of guilt.” [00:21:00] And a couple of days later, I called my sister and I told her about it and she said, “I know, she told me she said that to you.” And I said, “Why would she do that? Why?” And she said, “I don't know. I said the same thing to her. I said, ‘I would've never said that to her. I can't believe you said that to Leigh’” and she said “Maybe I shouldn't have.” But she didn't feel sorry enough about it to apologize and she never has. And since then, for some reason, whenever I'm around her in person, she has this line of questioning that feels like it's designed to lead me down a road of this is why you should have never pursued a relationship with your biological family. If you'd have just stayed ours; this wouldn't have happened. [00:22:00] I've just never understood why it's so hard for them to understand my wanting to know my biology, that it seems like the only thing that they can feel or think is that I'm supposed to be grateful that I was pulled from the fire of those who are unfit to care for me. No matter how I say things, no matter how I write things. I've tried writing. I've tried catching everybody at a good time. It just falls on deaf ears.

So my adoptive father passed away of Alzheimer's. He actually ended up with COVID and had to be in the hospital in restraints for 25 days, which you can only imagine caused a tremendous amount of atrophy to his body. And about three weeks after he was released from the hospital, he passed away. A couple weeks after his funeral, I was down at my mother's helping her sort through some stuff and my oldest daughter calls me and says, “Mama, so-and-so just told me that her mother just told her out of the blue that she was adopted.” [00:23:00] And I was like, “What? Who tells a 15-year-old! What?” And she said, “Mama, she wanted to FaceTime us and tell us that on FaceTime.” And I thought, “Thank you, Lord, that that didn't happen.” Because I know my jaw dropped and my face would not have been the face to be looking at. And so I hang up the phone and I tell my mama that. And I'm like, “Can you believe that?” I said, “Y'all did it so right. I always knew I was adopted.” There was never that sit down. You're not who you think you are. There was never that moment. And she said to me–this is the first time she's ever asked me this–she said, “Did being adopted bother you?” [00:24:00]

Just a little bit.

Haley Radke: Sorry, I can't get over that. What is that? Is it really not understanding whatsoever? Is it just completely ignoring any of those little mentions you made here and there? What is that?

Leigh Bailey: Yes, that's exactly how it felt. It felt like, “Have you been so disconnected from me my entire life?” And so I said, “Yes.” I said, “Mama, it embarrassed me that I was adopted. I wanted to be yours. I wanted to be the same thing my sister was. I didn't wanna be adopted. I didn't wanna know I was given away and not wanted.” I went on and on to talk about how I had joined these Facebook groups and I had a community now, and that I was in therapy and I was trying to repair a lot of the damage that had been done as a child. [00:25:00] And I thought she was really hearing me, right up until she wasn't. And she said, “Was there anything positive about being adopted?” I wanna just grab my person and leave. And I said, “That's not the point. That's not what I'm telling you.” It's like they could only love and accept me in the form of the person they wanted me to be. It's like buying something you have expectations of working a certain way. And you're all happy with it when it does, and then one day it stops working that way and you're not happy with it anymore. It's, “Wait a minute, I don't really want that anymore. We need to go back to when it was working this way.” [00:26:00] And I thought to myself, adoption trauma is such an easy concept. It really makes more sense that it would affect us and affect our brains than for it not to affect us. It's just not rocket science. It's really that simple. And if you are in my life and you love me and you're empathetic towards my feelings, how can you not ever just take a minute and say, “You know, we didn't make her, someone else did, and so maybe we should celebrate that her dark hair came from her birth family and not try to pretend that it came from one of us, and maybe we should celebrate her talents and interests that differentiate from ours, and say, golly, it'd be really neat to know who that came from. [00:27:00] And I think it's great that you are who you are.” But, you know, I was just theirs.

And, my friend that I referenced earlier, she's been so amazing during my journey. She had a totally different situation. She had an adoptive mother that actually saved a little piece of paper that had her birth mother's name on it and held it for her until she knew the time would come when she would ask who she was. And she showed it to her and she shared the journey with her and helped her find her biological mother. So while we're both adoptees, we feel very differently about adoption because of that very difference, those different scenarios.

One of the hardest things for me in reunion–other than like constantly having to battle [00:28:00] everybody that really wanted it to fall apart–is that the only way, at 43, I can have a relationship with my biological father is as an adult. I will never know what it's like to be held in his arms as a baby or put in time-out as a 3-year-old. He will never see me graduate high school. He will never walk me down the aisle to get married, and he didn't know me during the times of my two daughters’ births. And the only relationship I can have with him is that an of an adult. And I think that threatens all the preexisting folks, all the people that exist. And I have had to learn to try to separate myself from that guilt-ridden pleaser. To say unto myself, “You know what? This is a [00:29:00] gift from God, and I'm sorry if it bothers all these people and they feel uncomfortable and they feel threatened, but I'm not because he's my dad and I'm not going to not know him and not have whatever relationship that's healthiest for us to have just because all these other people don't want it or don't like it or it doesn't make them feel a certain way.” I heard Lesli Johnson say on your show one time, we have to learn to sit with the discomfort of those who disagree with us. I don't need you to agree or like my decisions. This is not open to a vote from you.

But I think as adoptees, so many of us have a hard time managing reunion because of those that we have to sort of battle. And I hate to say “battle,” but those who can't hold space for us. [00:30:00] My oldest daughter is 16, she was 13 or 14 at the time I met my birth father, and she said, “Mama, I don't know why everybody's acting so ugly. You'll never have 43 years with him. He's 69 years old. You'll never have 43 years with him. Think about what they've had with you and they need to step back and let you have your time. You've been their time.” It was a very profound thing for someone that age to say. I thought, “Golly that's a movie line, but you'll never have 43 years of him.

I have contemplated estrangement many a time, and it ain't ever yet. It ain't over yet.

Haley Radke: Okay. Wow. I need to get myself together. [00:31:00] I've been crying quietly here as you've shared the last few minutes. I identify so much with your story. Even your daughter, it is so profound, missing 43 years. And it's like I'm not going to get the next 43, so give me what I can have now. And I don't know about you, but I have certainly felt this need to make up for lost time. And it's really mind-boggling to me that other people can't understand that when we've said yes to them for so long and then, now, you're choosing to say yes to yourself and that's so painful for them. And yeah, wow.

Leigh Bailey: Yeah, it feels very selfish.

Haley Radke: It does. So you talked about going to therapy to suss [00:32:00] this out, like do I just need stronger boundaries? Do I need estrangement? Can you talk about that? What makes you choose to stay in relationship? What makes you think, okay, is this it? What's that like for you navigating?

Leigh Bailey: So for me, during the thick of it, my father was still alive and every day was a different problem with him and his memory loss unit. And I was constantly helping my mother with that. And I felt like I can't leave her now. I can't do this to her now with him and I can't do it to him either. So then when he passes away, she's older now. She's 76, I think, and she's not in the best of health. And when I see her, Haley, it's so hard because when I go down there and I visit her and I see her feeble-looking, I just feel sorry for her. [00:33:00] And I have empathy for her situation and that she's alone now. But then I drive away and that 3% of the time that I actually feel that way about her goes away. And that 97% of the time that I feel the total opposite for her comes back. And, literally, I feel like I talk about the same things over and over in therapy. I rehash things over and I make progress, and then I digress and we have to go back to where we were. And then I make some progress, and then something else happens and I digress. My problem is that I just don't live very far away; I live about an hour and a half from her. And I'm very much still a part of the community and her friends, and I feel like if I become estranged from them that I'll become estranged from all these other people. And I don't know if I'm okay with all of that yet. [00:34:00]

I listened to a podcast–and I can't recall the podcast–and they talked about narcissistic parents and estrangement, and the lady was a doctor so-and-so on the podcast, and she said, “The question you have to ask yourself is: If I walk away from these people today and never see, never hear from them again, never interact with them ever again, how does that make me feel?” How do I feel about that? And there are times when I'm so disappointed in them that I just want to do that. But then I just feel sorry for her because, I guess, that's how my daddy raised me to be, to have empathy. He used to preach “the least of these” to us all the time. That which you have done to the least of these. And when I see her in her home, falling and [00:35:00] having health issues I just think, “Gosh, if she's the least of these and I'm not getting over myself to just ride it out, then maybe that's shame on me. I don't know.

Haley Radke: And what about your relationship with your sister?

Leigh Bailey: It's definitely been strained. She's been a lot better about my reunion with my birth father than my mother was. But we've had some very strained moments over the last six months. We text and send pictures of the kids but I'm just very guarded. I'm very guarded. And I know that they know the Leigh from before I did all my work, all my therapy. Like my therapist said to me one day, she said, “Leigh, here's the deal. You're doing all this work. You're here. You're toughing it out every week. So now you're in this circle over here, and all [00:36:00] these people who aren't doing their work, they're over here in this circle. And your supporters, your husband, your birth father, your kids–everybody that supports you–they're in this circle over here with you.” And it made a lot of sense. That's who I need to focus on. So right now where I am is: I'm focusing on the supporters, dealing with the non-supporters, and I'm trying to keep my boundaries set in a manner that makes things healthy for me.

You have to set boundaries with those who aren't on board with you. This would be my advice. Only discuss things as you wish. Even when you enter into reunion, you get excited. You've learned all this stuff, and you do, Haley, you said it right when you find your birth father and he's 69 years old, you're like, “Oh my God, he's old. I gotta pack this in.” And you jump the clutch on the reunion. You're just like full-steam ahead 'cause, Lord, his family is going to be like, “Okay, I don't think we like her so much anymore. We're gonna have to cut this off.” Or somebody may die. You don't know. [00:37:00] And it's just, “We gotta get this weekend planned and this weekend planned.” You get excited and you start sharing it with everybody. And then, all of a sudden, they're like, “Wait, I don't know how this makes me feel.” So then it becomes about how they feel. So you have to hang on to your reins. Don't lose your reins. You let go of your reigns and everybody starts slowly but surely making it about how they feel. You have to go back to the nucleus of the story. And in the middle of the story, it's the baby that was given away and the birth father that made her. And that's the basis of reunion. Reunion doesn't occur because of all these side people. And you can't let the jealousy of others alter how you enjoy your reunion. It would be awfully easy for you to find yourself making concessions because so-and-so's not real comfortable with this, and “We didn't realize you were going to know him this well. We just thought you were going to talk to him every so often. I don't know how we feel about that.” Here's the deal: It doesn't matter [00:38:00] because it's not your dad. It's mine.

Haley Radke: One of the last things that put me over the edge–I don't know if I've shared this before–but I got asked: “When is this gonna go back to normal?”

Leigh Bailey: Yeah. This is the new norm.

Haley Radke: Exactly. This is it.

Leigh Bailey: So you're going to need to get on board. This is the new car. This is the new ride around.

Haley Radke: I'm curious how you feel choosing yourself.

Leigh Bailey: I struggled with it at first. I just kept digressing in my choice of myself. I would choose myself and I'd feel all high and mighty. I'd use my words, I'd set my boundaries, and then I would start feeling guilty, but, “Gosh, how does it make them feel?” And then you just really have to stop and say, “How did I feel 43 years separated from my [00:39:00] biology? How did that make me feel?” I have spent my whole life being theirs. It's like there were all those boxes that they needed checking. I had boxes that needed checking; they had boxes that needed checking. They needed a child. I needed a home. Check. Check. Wipe the slate clean and move forward. I think that's how they think it works. The fact that there's a lifetime of residual trauma and pain, it's lost on them, completely lost on them.

Haley Radke: Oh, I keep going back to that. You are having this huge conversation with your adoptive mom, you're explaining all the impacts that adoption has had on you. And then at the end it's: “Wasn't there anything good about it?” It's like talking to a wall. Nothing's getting through. There's a tiny window and the only thing that fits through it are the nice things. “Tell me the nice things I did for you.” [00:40:00] Yeah, that's tough.

**Leigh Bailey:**Yeah.

Haley Radke: Wow. I thank you so much for sharing the hard stuff with us. I think a lot of us can relate to reunion putting a great deal of pressure on our current relationships. And, as you said, there's pressure on your biological father's relationships. Like reunion exposes the cracks everywhere, I think. In my experience that's what it's been. I am so impressed when people persevere and really look for help and support and choose themselves. That is so impressive to me because a lot of adoptees–I won't say all–but we've just bent to the will of others our whole life. That was like our purpose, yeah? [00:41:00] And so to be like, “No, I'm choosing me, choosing my family.” I found so much of your story interesting because I've experienced similar things and my psychologist sounds very much like your therapist. So I feel okay. I think we're getting good advice. I think we're learning good things. Choosing yourself.

Is there anything else you want to say before we do recommended resources? Say to someone else who's like you. Do I keep this up? Can I manage just being the boundary enforcer? Or do I need to take a break and say that to someone who is in your same imposition?

Leigh Bailey: When I would dread calling my adoptive mother just to check in with her and I would get this right below in the middle of my stomach. I would get this feeling in my stomach [00:42:00] like, “Oh, please, just don't even mention my birth father. Please just don't bring anything up. Please, let's just talk about something benign.” That's when this isn't healthy. This isn't good for me. And if I'm not healthy, I'm not good for my husband and I'm not good for my kids. And I have the most supportive husband in the world when I tell you he is a rockstar about reunion and adoption and all the mess I've been through in the last few years. He is a rockstar. If you can set those boundaries in a way where you can pick that phone up and answer the phone or have that visit in person. Not have your stomach in knots and it be so painful and you're just dreading the conversation and like looking at your notes before you walk in the door: “Remember, say this.” You know, when it doesn't consume you like that, I think you can carry on as long as it feels healthy to you. But when it affects you, it affects those around you. And that's no good. [00:43:00] That's no good.

Haley Radke: Well said. Okay, my recommended resource is along those lines, so I'm going to go first. I had a friend recommend this book to me very recently. I'm not even finished reading it. And it's so good that I wanted to bring it to you all because she and I both have had some extremely challenging relationships going on, and when she told me the title of the book, I immediately ordered it. It's called Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy and it's by Lindsay C. Gibson. And she is a psychologist. It's so good, and you mentioned the word narcissism in our conversation, and I think lots of adoptees will be like, “Oh yeah, there's a narcissistic parent ….. [00:44:00] And, we're technically not supposed to go around diagnosing people with a personality disorder. But this is so interesting because it's not necessarily talking about narcissism, but emotional immaturity. Dr. Gibson's little abbreviation for that is “EI.” So want to read that? That's Emotionally Immature. Okay. I'm going to read from the back: “This guide offers powerful tools to help you heal and break free from the coercive control of EI parents and other EI people. You'll learn practical ways to set boundaries, validate your feelings and gain emotional autonomy in all your relationships.” And I was like, “Yes, please.” So far, I haven't seen anything necessarily about adoption, but when she describes case studies of how parents are interacting with their adult children and just the really unhealthy things, I'm like, “Oh boy, have I seen that?” And I'm not necessarily just talking about my own situation, but, you know, how many adoptees I've talked to. [00:45:00] And the really neat thing in this book that I really like is she gives lots of tips on setting boundaries and things and you can find that all over the place. But at the back, she has a bill of rights for adult children of emotionally immature parents. I feel like for adoptees, I think this is a really helpful thing. The right to set limits. And she goes through more specifically what that means. The right to choose relationships. The right to put my own health and wellbeing first. And there's a whole list. There's 10 of them. And I'm like, yeah, we don't have to put up with these things, just as you were saying, Leigh.

And the other thing I was on her website, it's drlindsaygibson(dot)com. I was just checking it right before we hopped on, and she has a Q&A from readers. And the very last question–when we're recording this anyway-was: “Dear Dr. Gibson, How do I know if it's best to cut off contact with emotionally immature parents?” [00:46:00] And her short answer is: “It's best to cut contact when you feel like you've had all you can take. No. It's “all you want to take,” not “all you can take.” All you want to take and that's very different. So anyway, I recommend reading that little article on her website. I'll link to it. If you're where Leigh is, you might want to talk to a therapist about that and guide you through making that decision or whatever. And this book is so good. It's Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. And also, thank you to my friend for sharing that with me. She knows who she is.

What do you want to recommend to us today, Leigh?

Leigh Bailey: Okay, so I know everybody mentions Anne Heffron, but Anne is my writing coach, and I'm in the process of writing my book. Just writing my story, even if it's only for me to read. Getting it out of my head and into print. [00:47:00] Sometimes I'll write a ton of stuff and I'll go back and reread it, and I'll say, “Okay, so I got it out. I said it. I don't have to have that on there anymore, and I'll keep this part.” But just reading Anne's book and seeing that this is our truth. Feeling like you identify with people. Sarah Easterly, I know, I'm not going to go through a litany of all the adoptee books. There are so many good ones out there. Sarah Easterly’s Searching for Mom was a great read, too. It was really nice to connect with people like that and to know they've been there, they've walked in your shoes. Because really, that’s the rub we have with those that don't get us. They've never walked in our shoes.

Haley Radke: Well, when you talk about your story and when we're on this journey of what does it look like when we're interacting with the other people in our lives who maybe have not behaved–what's the line about writing a memoir? [00:48:00] About if they didn't want me to write about them in this way, they should have behaved better. I'm butchering that phrase, but it's like if you're feeling guilty, if you have cut off contact or whatever, you can go back to what you've written and also remind yourself, “Oh yeah, remember they did this really challenging thing. I don't really wanna revisit that.” So you also have a little bit of proof for yourself.

Leigh Bailey: You hate to think about taking your kids away from their grandparents. But you just have to look at the situation as a whole. And right now, I'm fine with them, I'm handling it well. But there's been a time when, like I said, I thought, “I can't do this anymore. Cannot do this anymore. It's no good.”

Haley Radke: Sorry I cut you off there. Did you have a last thought on your writing?

Leigh Bailey: No. Just how cathartic it is and it is for me. And I think it could be for everybody too. Anne always says we cannot die with our stories inside of [00:49:00] us. That's my approach.

Haley Radke: That's a pretty good job. Anne's getting a real workout on this show the last couple weeks!

Leigh Bailey: I know. I know.

Haley Radke: No shame. I think when you read another adoptee's memoir, just like you and I just had this conversation, it's very real. We're not trying to sugarcoat anything for anybody. It's freeing. You're like, “Whoa. She could say that? Maybe I could too.” And like you said, if it's just for you and maybe no one else will see it. Or maybe it'll be a best-seller. You don't know.

Leigh Bailey: And I was literally listening to your podcast the first time I ever heard of her book, Haley. And I remember when, I think it may have been Lesli Johnson, said the name of her book. I think it was that episode. And she said, “You don't look adopted.” I erupted in laughter. I laughed so hard out loud. I thought, “Oh my gosh. Who does?”

Haley Radke: Yes. It was a good title. Thank you so much. [00:50:00] I would love for you to share where we can connect with you online.

Leigh Bailey: I'm on Facebook. I have my whole name on there: Leigh Willis Bailey. I am on Instagram (at)LeighB75, and then I have a blog: alwayslooking(dot)blog. I named it that because I've always been looking. I've always been looking for familiar faces in the last five, six years I've been searching for biological family. I get a high from looking for my family. I don't ever want the search to end. I never want not to search. I always want there to be some more folks to be looking for.

Haley Radke: That's a good title too. Wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing with us, Leigh. I really appreciate it and I know that there'll be lots of people listening that feel very connected to your story and will be like, “Oh, I'm so glad someone else said it out loud, so maybe I can too.”

Leigh Bailey: Thank you so much for having me, Haley. I've so enjoyed this. [00:55:00]

Haley Radke: Guys, this stuff is so hard. I thank you for listening and honoring Leigh's story and my other guests’ stories. I just want to encourage you if you are feeling lonely or confused or trying to navigate some of these really, really challenging relationships to seek out support. I know therapy is not always accessible but if it is, I would encourage you to find an adoptee-competent therapist. And there's lots of lists online where you can find those. There's advice for interviewing your therapist. I have a Healing Series episode way back on that. And I just encourage you to seek out support and community. And, I want to thank my community for supporting the show and keeping it going. There's been some ups and downs lately, if you know what I'm talking about. But if you don't, that's fine. I really [00:52:00] appreciate your financial support. It pays for editing and hosting and all kinds of things.

And, if you want extra bonuses, there's Patreon. I have an Adoptees Off Script podcast that's weekly. We're doing a Book Club right now with adoptee-authored books, which is really wonderful, and we'd love to have you join us. So adopteeson.com/partner has details. And a free way to help support the show is just to share this episode with one friend who you think would either relate or another episode that you think they would benefit from.

Thanks so much for listening. Let's talk again next Friday.

168 [Estrangement Series] Kirsten Weatherford

Transcript

Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/168


Haley Radke: [00:00:00] This show is listener supported. You can join us and help our show grow to support more adoptees by going to adopteeson.com/partner.

You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. This is Episode 168, Kirsten. I'm your host, Haley Radke.

We are starting a short series on the topic of estrangement. I think some of you know that I'm experiencing this myself and it's something I've wanted to talk about and learn about, but it's just been too close to home. So I want to acknowledge that just as many of our conversations here on the podcast are deeply personal, emotion-filled, could be activating or challenging for both you and me to hear, this again will be hard. It's really interesting to me that even after this conversation with Kirsten, I felt heavy and sad with my own grief and also the knowledge that there are so many of us who have dealt with the same and way worse, way worse. [00:01:00] This series isn't meant to be a how to undo estrangement or how to break up with your family. It's once again in the space of hoping to let you know you aren't alone. I see you. I acknowledge how hard and lonely this can be. With that, let me share what you're going to hear from our guest, Kirsten Weatherford.

We talk about how a memorable trip, a pilgrimage, helped Kirsten come out of the fog, how reunion with her first mother likely accelerated her estrangement from her adoptive parents. And we also wrestle with what it would take to even broach the subject of reunification if that was ever on the table. We wrap up with some recommended resources, and, as always, links to everything we'll be talking about today are on the website adopteeson.com. [00:02:00]

Let's listen in.

I'm so pleased to welcome to Adoptees On, Kirsten Weatherford. Welcome, Kirsten.

Kirsten Weatherford: Thank you. I'm happy to be here.

Haley Radke: I would love it if you would start and share your story with us.

Kirsten Weatherford: All right. I was born in Pennsylvania to a single mother and immediately relinquished in January of 1971. I spent three months in a private foster home before being placed with my adoptive parents. I was raised an only child, center of the world at all times.

Haley Radke: Me too. You just said “center of the world” and already I was like, oh my goodness, I hear you.

Kirsten Weatherford: Yeah. It's a thing, isn't it? It's a big deal. We moved across the country from Pennsylvania to Oregon when I was four. We moved again from Oregon [00:03:00] to Colorado when I was five. I spent most of my childhood in Colorado and I kind of grew up there. We moved to Montana when I was a freshman in high school. And other than one year of college back in Colorado. I have been here ever since then. I have been married for 30 years. My husband and I have five children together, ranging in age from 10 to nearly 30.

As far as my adoption journey, I started coming out of the fog in January of 2010. I took a pilgrimage trip with my husband and some other folks from our church in April of 2013. That was a big deal. That's where I found the pit of my soul and my journey really took off from there. I came home from Scotland knowing I had to search and try and find my birth mom. [00:04:00] We found each other. I found her. It took until February of 2017. And we started communicating. She was actually located about six months prior to that, but it took us until February of 2017 to start communicating. I traveled to Pennsylvania that summer, July of 2017. We met for the first time in person. Six weeks later they came to Montana to visit my family on our turf, and we have been in reunion, continue to be ever since then. My last exchange with my adoptive parents was about a year after the reunion with my first mom. In June of 2018 there were some letters exchanged between us. And the last face-to-face conversation was in August of 2018 when I walked out of their home for the last [00:05:00] time.

Haley Radke: Thank you for sharing that. There's a lot of different ways we could go. So you've been in reunion with your first mother for a few years. And you lit up when you were talking about her and so I get the sense that is going well. I'll let you say.

Kirsten Weatherford: It is more than I ever expected. I have a very large first family on my maternal side and I was welcomed home by all of them with open arms, and they are amazing and incredible and gracious, wonderful people that helped me find my way back home to myself, not just to them, but to the center of myself as well.

Haley Radke: That's profound. Oh my goodness, I got goosebumps. Okay, so I asked you to come on because we're going to have this really hard conversation talking about estrangement [00:06:00] and so I'm sad that we're not going to dive into your beautiful reunion and how you did it and all those things. But I think you mentioned this before we got on and I've experienced the same. I've heard from so many people, so many adoptees who are estranged from their adoptive families. And it's wild. It's wild. It's something I never thought was going to happen to me either, and I'm experiencing that with you as well. So I'm curious, as you've talked to other adoptees and as you look at your own situation, yours happened during the beginning of your reunion, and do you think that had an impact or what have you unpacked there?

Kirsten Weatherford: I think if you asked my adoptive parents, they would lay blame on the reunion as a defining event that broke our relationship. [00:07:00] In all honesty, it had been probably 30 years in the making. We really struggled as I became an adult and tried to establish some independence as my own person with my own family; those boundaries were not honored. It took me a long time to even place any boundaries with them. I received unsolicited advice, not really advice, meddling and directives as to how we were raising our family and choices we were making. There was little to no autonomy in our relationship but, as I mentioned, I think they would blame the reunion. I would credit the reunion with giving me enough strength in myself to place those boundaries. [00:08:00] I had spoken to you about that. That allowed me to say, “No.”

I even placed some boundaries as I was in reunion. I didn't even tell them that I was searching. When I was actively searching for my first mom, I didn't even tell them because, for me, it felt like it was my story and my journey, and I didn't want them to invade that–that was mine. It was something I had ownership over and I suspected they would twist things to make it about them and how violated and hurt they were. Which eventually is what it came around to, was that I had hurt them and I was no longer grateful for all they had done for me.

Haley Radke: Oh dear. Okay, so I want to frame these questions and just say, we are not just going to bash our parents the whole time. [00:09:00] That's not what this conversation is about. I'm not saying that to you, I'm talking to our listeners so you guys know, we're not just going to complain about all the things our parents had wrong. But I'm curious for you, when you talk about this was 30 years in the making, and you had tried to become your own autonomous person as an adult and build your own family and make your own decisions, do you remember some things along the way? Things that they did or a certain event or anything like that, that you were like, “Whoa, like you are really stepping over the line.” Or is it more like you're looking back on it now and seeing that, “Oh, that was really over the line.”

Kirsten Weatherford: I think that there was some ability at the time to recognize it. Certainly now in a more reflective state I see it much more clearly. [00:10:00] In preparation for recording this, I went back and read those last letters that were exchanged between us and I'm seeing them even differently now than at the time I received them. So yeah, there were definitely moments where, specifically – and this doesn't necessarily speak to a gun/non-gun issue. I am in Montana. We hunt here; we're outdoors people. My husband grew up hunting. I was raised around guns just as a target practice–those types of things–but I did know how to use firearms. I'm not an anti-gun person by any means, but I'm also not gun-toting; I try and walk in the middle. I guess that is where I'm at. But my parents had asked if they could give our oldest son, who was six at the time, a .22 and we said, no. [00:11:00]

Haley Radke: For those people that don't know what a .22 is, can you just explain it to us like we're six?

Kirsten Weatherford: It's kind of the initiation into a small rifle. It's easy to handle, a first gun for a kid, so to speak, beyond a BB gun, a step into a first actual firearm. They asked if they could get him one. We said no and assumed that would be honored. It was not. Our son received a .22 from my parents with a gleam in their eyes and almost a “Ha, ha, now what are you gonna do?” kind of attitude, which left especially my husband in a position to take away something that had been gifted by grandparents. [00:12:00] It left us to be the bad guys, which is often how it felt, like we were put in the us versus them, what are you gonna do about it now? kind of situation.

Haley Radke: Oh boy. You don't want to be the bad guy but, yikes, that's total overstepping: to ask ahead of time and then completely not respect that. That's shocking to me.

Kirsten Weatherford: It happened a lot.

Haley Radke: So okay, when those things happened, did you have conversations with them about it after? Were there fights?

Kirsten Weatherford: No. I wasn't in a place to have those conversations at the time. Again, a lot of what I can talk about now was not what I could talk about in that time and in that space. I was not comfortable enough in myself that I could say, “Absolutely not.” Especially in the moment I couldn't stand up and say, “No.” We said no, you can take this back.” It just wasn't possible. [00:13:00]

Haley Radke: I understand so much because just having the conflict and having to try and stand up for yourself. And especially in the moment – goodness, yikes. I don't think I would be able to do that.

Kirsten Weatherford: Especially when it involves your kids.

Haley Radke: Oh yeah.

Kirsten Weatherford: That just made it feel exceptionally violating.

Haley Radke: So did there come a time prior to the reunion and just the last few years where this all kind of came to a head? Did there come a time earlier than that where you were like, “Okay, I'm seeing some bad patterns of me not being listened to. I really have to start doing X, Y, Z with them to make sure my family and my feelings are respected.” Like where you set out some boundaries whether or not you told them but just had them in your mind. Did there come a time like that?

Kirsten Weatherford: Oh, absolutely. It was probably mid 2013-ish. So I was back from our trip to Scotland. [00:14:00]

Haley Radke: And you would call that a pilgrimage?

Kirsten Weatherford: Yeah, definitely. The island of Iona, Scotland, is often regarded as a holy place. It's a very small island in the Outer Hebrides. It's credited with being the birthplace of Christianity for Scotland. It's this incredible, quiet, small place that really gives you the opportunity to do some reflection. And yeah, it was honestly an experience I still, this many years later, can't appropriately give words to. It's where I found the pit of my soul. It's where I really began to understand what being a child of adoption meant for me. I broke down. [00:15:00] I just recently was able to put some phrasing to it and say that I tried to call, crawl into the loneliest part of myself while I was there, and, like I said, came home.

So we had been home from Scotland, not even actively searching really yet. 2013, we would've still had four kids at home. We had gone out to dinner with my parents and as had often taken place when we would go out to dinner something would go wrong. Somebody's food wouldn't be right, or the service wasn't appropriate, or something of that nature. And that night in particular, my dad unleashed a personal assault on the server who really had no control over the situation and he was doing the best he could. They were quite busy. He was the only guy on that side that was working. [00:16:00] Things were taking a while but, you know, we try and be understanding people. However, my father was not understanding and just verbally assaulted this poor waiter. And I was seated there. It was a large table because it was my husband, myself, our four kids: at least one plus one, and my parents. So it was a pretty big table and my husband and I were at opposite ends of the table. And I know I physically slumped over and I just had this sickening feeling in my gut. My husband at the other end, I think we were telepathically communicating with each other. Had we been able to make eye contact or had I chosen to do that, I believe in that moment we would've gotten up and left. It was embarrassing. I did not want to ever, I never did. That was a defining moment. I never subjected my kids to going out to dinner with them again. I don't believe that service workers [00:17:00] are at all deserving of the treatment they often get. And that was such a personal attack on a stranger who was just trying to do his job. That was a pretty defining moment though. So that was a big boundary; we decided then and there that we would never go out to dinner again with them.

Haley Radke: So what happened the next time they asked you? Did you just say no? Did you always just put it off and say no, or did you tell them?

Kirsten Weatherford: I think they knew. That was so bad. There was very little conversation the rest of that meal. And as was the typical pattern after my dad would blow up and make a scene, the following day my mother called and wanted to apologize and gloss things over and smooth the waters in the hopes that we would forgive and forget, and there just was not any going back from it that time. We were done. [00:18:00]

Haley Radke: Oh my goodness. So going back to this experience you had in Scotland, which sounds incredibly profound to repeat the word I said before, but then you decide to search and things but you said you were keeping that to yourself because it wasn't maybe safe to share with them. Probably wasn't safe to share with them.

Kirsten Weatherford: No, it was not something I even considered mentioning to them. I had no hope that they would understand that it was something that I needed. It was no reflection on the difficulties of my relationship with them. It was very much about me and what I needed, and what I felt very deeply as something I needed to try and solve. Maybe not solve, but find peace with and find answers to. It was just this deep longing [00:19:00] for the unknown. And, I also came to a place where I really wanted to know and have a different story that maybe I could tell myself versus what I had believed to be true fundamentally about myself. I wanted to be able to get to a place where I could understand myself and accept myself as a more positive entity in the world versus something somebody had discarded.

Haley Radke: Oh, I feel that too. Okay so, I don't know, are you okay with this? Do you want to walk us through what happened? Did you try and set up some boundaries and they weren't respected? What were the last kind of things that happened before it was like, “Hey, the letters and we're done.”

Kirsten Weatherford: Yeah. One of the last defining moments: My husband and oldest [00:20:00] son and son-in-law were coaching the youngest son's baseball team. So, you know, these are little kids–they're like six, seven years old at the time. So it's an entertaining free-for-all for the spectators to be watching these kids. It's a happy environment. My oldest son had brought his dog with him, as he often did, and the dog was sitting near my father-in-law and was perfectly content. She was a real sweet, gentle dog. And, my mother came up and made a comment and coddled over the dog about how she couldn't get anywhere and everybody was being mean, and she very much believes that she's the only one that treats animals well enough. Nobody else does it [00:21:00] well enough. She's the only one that cares for them enough. And so the comment of “Oh poor Jazz, you just aren't being taken care of.” My oldest son was there and he said, “Why don't you just take care of it? Nobody else ever does it right.” And that made her angry. That made my father angry. My father-in-law, the poor guy, just sat there dumbfounded, didn't say anything. I also didn't say anything. I let it happen. It was a boundary that was put up via my oldest son, who at that point is an independent adult himself as well. So I let it happen, and they went and watched the rest of the youngest son's baseball game from their car and didn't talk to anybody else after that. They stopped coming to the games. [00:22:00] They didn't interact with us near as much after that. There was one phone call about what had taken place. I was put in a position to maybe defend myself and my lack of reaction And I wasn't willing to give in. I wasn't willing to back down into the sheepish role of still being their small child.

And that was the last defining thing that then led to the letters that were exchanged. After the baseball thing probably took place in like April or May, I had placed a phone call to them to invite them to the Mother's Day brunch that we were going to be going to with husband and I and our five kids and my in-laws, we all live in the same town. [00:23:00] We're all here. It's all very local, and I called to invite them to that as well. And I received, I think, what I've called a verbal assault and a go-to-hell message from my dad on that phone call. And it's really the last time I've spoken to him directly. There was never any other conversation between the two of us after that.

Haley Radke: First of all, I'm sorry that happened. That sounds really painful. And just when you're describing it, just the event, at the baseball field or whatever, it doesn't feel like that kind of big of a deal. And yet from the stories I've heard from other people, and something from me too, it's: that's the last straw, you know?

Kirsten Weatherford: Oh, for sure. Yeah. The event with the [00:24:00] dog was in the grand scheme of things minor, but it was like the last time we wanted to be diminished.

Haley Radke: Can you talk about having your son be the one to be giving his grandma a little sass? What did that feel like for you as a parent because you know he's grown up with her?

Kirsten Weatherford: Yeah. And I was actually proud of him. Honestly. He grew up with the most influence from them for the longest period of time of all of our children. He has spent time in therapy as well, and he created those hard boundaries before I could. And so I really have to say that I was proud and I learned a lesson from him in that healthy boundaries are [00:25:00] necessary and need to be respected. And when they're not, when those boundaries are violated, that's a clear message.

Haley Radke: Yeah, it definitely sounded like, especially just his words, he was just like really calling her out on something

Kirsten Weatherford: I cleaned it up for broadcast here, there were some choice words, some colorful words that were exchanged. It was pretty clear.

Haley Radke: Oh, that's too bad. My editor loves beeping things.

Okay, I wonder how you're feeling now. You just said you reread the letters that you exchanged, and you even have a different perspective on it now, and you're a few years out from these events and having contact with them. What does it feel like for you?

Kirsten Weatherford: I don't miss them. I don't miss them. I don't miss the constant [00:26:00] turmoil that it caused in my own household. I miss the idea of them, but them specifically, I don't miss. I'm saddened by the fact that for them it became an either/or they couldn't do both/and. They met my first mom the first time she came here and it was cordial. My dad was able to have some conversation with my stepdad. Everybody's from this small little community back in Pennsylvania and so there are common people they know, some of the same people, and those conversations were good. And what could have bonded my adoptive dad and I in a deeper way because [00:27:00] once I had visited, we could have conversation about these locations and it's where he had grown up as well. And so we could have had this deeper connection over place that we were both from. And instead of that we now have basically no connection. It didn't have to be an either/or. That was their choice, and I think it was their inability to see it from my perspective and see it as what I needed that had little to no reflection on them at the time.

Haley Radke: As an adopted person, how hard has it been to even know what you needed?

Kirsten Weatherford: [00:28:00] Well, let's see. I started coming out of the fog in 2010, and I have much clearer vision now. But at the same time, things will catch me off guard in a moment. It's right below the surface. Being an adopted person is always brewing right below the surface, and sometimes it catches me off guard. And so yeah, to know what I needed or what I wanted or even being able to communicate maybe what that was for me was something I struggled for a long time. And I'm still a work in progress. I think I always will be.

Haley Radke: You said, “I don't miss them.” And when you hear me say that back to you, what is that? Do you feel anything inside? Are you like, “Oh boy, what if they hear that?” Do you have [00:29:00] any of that stuff, or can you confidently say, “No, you know what, I know what I feel now and I don't miss them and I've reflected on this.”

Kirsten Weatherford: I can confidently say that I don't miss them. I don't miss the constant – yeah, it's a repeat of what I said earlier. It was just such a constant state of turmoil for my own household that it's much more peaceful without them in our lives. And, as I said, they live less than two miles away from me. I had somebody asking me the other day like, “Aren't you worried you're gonna see them at the store?” And I used to be. I haven't seen them out and about, which is okay. I did probably two weeks ago. I am pretty sure I saw my dad in Walmart, but he didn't see me. I kept on walking. He was in line checking out and [00:30:00] I just kept on a walkin’ because I'm not willing to go there.

Haley Radke: So correct me if I'm wrong, it seems like you both are just like, “Yeah, I'm not gonna reach out.” Seems like they're very angry, too. It was like a big blow up. You're nodding your head. Okay. So, where am I going with this? As I said, this is my first conversation about estrangement and we're going to do a little series on it, but what are your thoughts on reconnection and reconciliation and if that's even something you would want? What would need to happen for you to even consider that? Or is that something that you're like, “Nope, I'm not even gonna go down that road. I don't even wanna talk about it.” And even just asking the question, I feel a little bit like I don't want to bring it up like we're having this conversation and the point of it is, at some point, we all just want to be reconnected and fix the relationship and that's the goal. I'm not saying that. I'm curious about your thoughts. [00:31:00]

Kirsten Weatherford: I am not willing to reengage with them unless and until they're willing to do some work on their part. I would like them to have some ownership of how we got to where we are today instead of it being a bunch of finger-pointing. I would love to see them have some openness, an ability to see their part in how things ended up. Realistically, we're talking about people who are in their late seventies, early eighties, and my 50 years of experience tell me that they're not going to do anything differently. It's not in their makeup of who they are. [00:32:00] So I think I've gotten to a place, for me, where I can say it wasn't about me personally. Whoever landed in their home as the kid who won the lottery and ended up placed with them, it would've been the same. It was about who they were. It wasn't about who I was. It was who they wanted or needed or expected me to be. When I tried to live out my own person as my own person, instead of the reflection of who they hoped I could be for their sake, that's when things fell apart. And so I just don't know that they have it in them to see it any other way. They have no other lens other than their own.

Haley Radke: I think. I don't know. [00:33:00] Here's my two cents, and it's just the same as what this podcast cost you to listen to: it's free. I love how you express that so beautifully. So many of us work to discover who we are. A lot of you that are listening especially, we have been going through therapy and finding our identity and just becoming. A lot of the times that includes just becoming a better human. And what I see just in the grand scheme of things in the world, when you have a human who's going through therapy and improving themselves and you're moving further and further away from the people that are just staying stagnant and aren't willing to change and improve, the tension just keeps building as you find more of yourself.

So I'm really happy for you, Kirsten, that you are able to see things that way. [00:34:00] I feel like it sounds like you're coming from such an empowered place in that decision, in that you don't have to feel like, “Oh shoot, what if I would've said this, but this would've held us on a little longer.” Or those kinds of little regrets that some of us have.

Kirsten Weatherford: Sure, yeah. Of course, leading up to this, my husband and I had been talking about defining events in that relationship and he reminded me of the first and last time he saw me really stand up and defend my position as a mother and our position as parents in relation to our middle daughter who we struggled with tremendously. But we worked through a really difficult situation, not just in our relationship with her. We were trying to help our own kids navigate their relationships with each other, but we tried to do it in a [00:35:00] respectful way and allowed them to navigate that space, and we wanted to have our ability to navigate that space, and everything's good now. At the time that I stood up, my mother was insistent that I should do this and I should do that, saying “you should make him talk to her and here's what you need to do.” And I just said, “No, let us do this. Let us figure this out. If we're not doing it the same way you are, that doesn't mean it's wrong. Respect us enough.” I don't know. I'd like to say at this point that we weren't navigating things wrong because it's all come back together and we're all in good space with each other. But her interference was unwelcomed, unnecessary, and it was damaging at the time. Keith looked at me and he said, “Wow, she might wish that she was dealing with her husband instead of dealing with me.” [00:36:00] Because it was the first time that I really stood up to her. And he had corked off a few times before with her as well. But it was really the first time that I unleashed and opened the file and verbally vomited all over.

Haley Radke: I don't know. How does it feel? Like even thinking back you look like you sat up a little bit, like you just looked empowered and it's like, “I'm an adult now.” Because I think so many of us are still stuck in powerlessness because of our adoption. We had no choice in it. And then we didn't get to pick the people who took us and all that. It's like, “Okay, I'm an adult now, so what are you going to do?”

Kirsten Weatherford: Yeah. It was about no longer being that kid who was afraid in the corner and standing on my own two feet as [00:37:00] an independent autonomous adult and making choices for myself and for my own family. Right or wrong, give me the space to do it and figure it out. I don't know if it was like this preventive mode, that she was going to protect us from everything or try and prevent bad things from happening. Let me figure that out. And we've tried really hard to do that with our kids, too. Respect, respect each other enough to allow autonomy and space.

Haley Radke: Thank you. Okay. Before we do recommended resources, I just want to give you a little space to give us advice or say what you'd like to say to other people who might be in a similar situation. And I don't know what that looks like. Do you want to talk about it? You had mentioned to me, I don't know if it was in the recording or in a different conversation we had, but you said, “It was a long time coming, maybe this should have happened sooner.” [00:38:00] Is there something like warning signs of things like “If I had set up these boundaries earlier,” or “If I had done this or that.” I mean hindsight, whatever. I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to ask, but I want to help other adoptees stand up for themselves, but I don't want to have things break down either. It's like this really confusing kind of space talking about estrangement.

Kirsten Weatherford: Yeah, I wish I'd had the ability to create those boundaries sooner. Truth be told, it couldn't have happened any sooner. I can say that, in reflection, I wish it had happened sooner. I can say that because of where I'm at today, but there's no way it could have happened any sooner because I was not confident enough in myself and my space and the ownership of who I am to be able to do it any sooner. [00:39:00] I know it's a huge balance. There's this whole societal messaging of being the good adoptee or the ungrateful adoptee–one I hate even more–or that the only adoptees who search are those who have had a bad experience with their adoptive parents. I don't think that's fair messaging, but it's the reality of the world we live in as adopted people. We're usually the last ones thought of.

As I said, I don't miss them. I have no regrets other than I wish it could have happened sooner. I wish I could have come into myself sooner and had more time to live into this person I feel like I am now. I wish it could have happened sooner, but, you know, midlife is what it is. And I had a friend tell me that 40 was a magical number and I thought [00:40:00] she was talking crazy talk, but now at 50, I can tell her, “Oh man, you were so spot on.” There were so many things that happened in my forties that really brought me to where I am now. And I just don't think I had the strength or the ability to do it any sooner. It's not an easy space to walk, but for me, it's been so worth it.

Haley Radke: I am so happy for you.

Kirsten Weatherford: Thank you.

Haley Radke: I want to just interject a little thing before we do recommended resources. So, Kristen and I said the word “boundaries” like 30 times, and I could have asked her what she meant by that or her specific things, but I didn't on purpose because boundaries can be any sort of line that is personal to you. Maybe we don't want input on [00:41:00] how we parent or on my personal appearance or physical health or any of those kinds of things. I don't want any input or conversations on my search or reunion or lack thereof, et cetera. It can be anything that's not safe for you to engage with them about. So insert as needed as you look at your own relationship and think about boundaries, not just with your adoptive parents, but with anybody in your life. They're so personal to you and what's safe for Kirsten might not be for me, et cetera. So anyway, that's my little insertion.

Do you have thoughts on that before we do recommendations?

Kirsten Weatherford: Boundaries are important, and creating and establishing those boundaries, for me, was empowering and it helped me believe that I have value. [00:42:00]

Haley Radke: Yes, that's so good. So good. Okay, we're going to do recommended resources. And I told Kirsten ahead of time that I was going to make fun of her because when we do this guest application process and all the things, I'm like, “OK, make sure you pick something new.” And she didn't. So she's going to talk about something she loves and she wants to talk about it so much. We've talked about it before on the show, but now you're going to hear why Kirsten thinks that you should check this out. Okay. Go ahead.

Kirsten Weatherford: Well, shout-out to my now friend Anne Heffron and her book You Don't Look Adopted. I had her book for quite a while and was honestly afraid to pick it up. I wasn't sure. What I was going to find.

Haley Radke: Really?

Kirsten Weatherford: Yeah. I had it and it sat on my shelf because I just wasn't sure what was going to be in there. I was trying to do some of my own writing at the time, and [00:43:00] I didn't want somebody else's voice to come through in what I was working on, and I just had to get to a space where I felt comfortable picking it up. It was one of the best windows into my own soul as well that I could have read. I would sit there and just shake my head and, “Oh man, me too.” And I was in awe of finding words that I had struggled to find. They were right there on those pages. So, very recommended. I know a lot of people do that, but for me that book is self-love.

Haley Radke: Oh, that's so good. That's so good. I love Anne. I talk about her a lot too, so that's okay. I'm so glad you did that. The other thing I'll plug is Anne and Pam Cordano–who's a therapist who's been on the show before as well–they are doing some weekly classes called “Flourish” and they're live. [00:44:00] You might see Kirsten in there, I don't know. They're live; they're not recorded, so you have to be there. And they do some writing prompts. There's some discussion. I was able to attend one. I really enjoyed it. And if you follow Anne or Pam on Instagram or Facebook, you can find out how to sign up for those. But I am going to take us in a totally different direction because like last year was a whole thing and we're not going to go down that rabbit trail. But I very much enjoyed on Off Script, which is the Adoptees On Patreon podcast. And Kirsten's been a supporter for a long time. Thank you. So many of you listening are and I really appreciate it. That's how the show continues and. My co-host on that, Carrie Cahill Mulligan, and I were reading all these adoptee-authored books last year and I really tried to find [00:45:00] more books from people that aren't like me so that I can learn, especially from people of color, because I really wanted to learn more about racial injustice and how I can be an ally and I was very challenged and it's good. It's really good for me to be challenged.

So I want to just recommend to you an author that I loved reading. Oh my goodness, you have to follow her on Twitter. Her name is Shannon Gibney. Her Twitter handle is (at)gibneyshannon. I read two of her books. The first one is See No Color, and it is about a transracial adoptee and it's a YA novel. I really loved it. It's got baseball and race and there's siblings and it's not your typical adoptee reunion kind of a story. I really loved it. It's so good. And I also love Shannon's novel that has nothing to [00:46:00] do with adoption: Dream Country.

I don't know if you've read either of these, Kirsten, but when I read Dream Country, I learned so much about Liberia. I had no idea. I'm Canadian so I don't really know a lot about United States history. I know Canada. But I learned so much. It's this huge epic story of different families, different time periods, and she just weaves everything together so beautifully. I loved it. So Shannon Gibney. She's a fellow adoptee and a wonderful author and I really recommend you follow her. And gosh, this book, it's not about adoption, but it's great. The title is Dream Country. Check out that cover! It's so beautiful.

Kirsten Weatherford: That is beautiful. We have a “book problem” in our house, so I'm going to add, well, some people would say it's a problem. We have books all the time and they're coming in almost daily sometimes. So I will add those to my list for sure.

Haley Radke: Yeah. [00:47:00] I'm describing the cover for the audiobook, that's great. But if you color code your bookshelf and you need more red books, it’s got a red spine with some blue on it. That's very, I don't know, that felt like a 2020 reference, like when you were bored in quarantine, you color code your bookshelf, I dunno.

Kirsten Weatherford: Yeah.

Haley Radke: Anyway, where can we connect with you online, Kirsten?

Kirsten Weatherford: I am on Facebook as Kirsten Weatherford. I'm also on Instagram as No More Misfit, that is from my blog page by the same name, No More Misfit. There is one blog entry entitled “Misfit” that kind of explains where the no more misfit handle came from. So yeah, I would love to have people reach out, connect with me wherever they're comfortable.

Haley Radke: I really enjoyed reading your blog. I especially like the one entry that's called “Claimed.” [00:48:00] And you wrote, and it was especially meaningful to me to read this before we talked about estrangement. There's a line in here: “Our adoptive families certainly made every attempt to claim us, make us 100% theirs. The problem with that is we adoptees know better.” And you go on from there. But yeah, if you want to hear more about Kirsten's story, I definitely recommend you check out her blog: nomoremisfit(dot)com.

All right. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I just had such a great time talking with you even about such hard things and thanks for being willing to talk about the hard stuff, the real stuff.

Kirsten Weatherford: Thank you, I really appreciate you giving adoptees the space to speak and have voice. It's been a lifesaver for me, so thank you. I appreciate you as well. [00:51:00]

Haley Radke: This is heavy stuff, you guys. It's just heavy, heavy stuff. So thanks for hanging in with me and listening to Kirsten's story. This is a first: I actually cried before we did the interview instead of during. So I was pretty proud of Kirsten and me for holding it together and just trying to talk facts. So just know, if you're like, “Oh, Haley wasn't super emotional.” I was very emotional before and after, but managed to hold it together for you during.

Anyway, I'm thankful that you're here. If you're experiencing estrangement or some other really challenging things, I hope that you are able to get connected into community–whatever that looks like, even if it's your in-real-life friends and not adoptee-specific. It's really important for us to be talking about this and getting support about it. I know from personal experience what stuffing all that stuff down does to you. So I'm really good at it. And that's not anything to brag about. Yeah, it's heavy. [00:50:00]

I want to thank Kristen again. She's one of my Patreon supporters, as I mentioned, and without her and my other supporters, I wouldn't be able to keep podcasting. So I'm so excited that I get to make the show for you every week and that it's free, you can listen wherever, whenever and feel like you're with other adoptees as you listen and feel supported in that way. But I can't do it without people like Kirsten that are willing to financially support the show.

So if you want to join Kirsten and some other really incredible people, you can go to adopteeson.com/partner to find details of what you get when you support the show. There is a weekly podcast that's called Adoptees Off Script, and we're in the middle of doing a Book Club. Middle? We're starting Book Club this year. We just had a really fantastic chat with one of our Book Club authors, which was really fun. [00:51:00] And so there'll be more of those throughout the year. If you want to join us, again: adopteeson.com/partner for the details. Thanks so much for listening. Let's talk again next Friday.

166 [Healing Series] Navigating the Holidays

Transcript

Full shownotes: https://www.adopteeson.com/listen/166


Haley Radke: [00:00:00] This show is listener supported. You can join us and help our show grow to support more adoptees by going to adopteeson.com/partner.

You are listening to Adoptees On, the podcast where adoptees discuss the adoption experience. I am your host, Haley Radke, and this is a special episode in our healing series where I interview therapists who are also adoptees themselves, so they know from personal experience what it feels like to be an adoptee. Today we are taking your questions all about navigating the holiday season. Let's listen in.

I'm so pleased to welcome back to Adoptees On, Lesli Johnson. Hi Lesli.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Hi Haley. How are you?

Haley Radke: Good. I feel like I should have a chart up on the wall and every time you come on, we'll just make another tick mark. I feel like you're our most requested adoptee therapist, so-

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Oh, that's [00:01:00] really nice to hear. I love being on the podcast and talking with you. And even though nobody else can see our faces, I can see yours and I always enjoy that.

Haley Radke: Me too. Sorry guys, it's not a video. I am so glad you're here. We are entering a holiday season again, and this has become a tradition that you answer some of our listener questions and steer us through some tricky conversations with boundaries and literally give us some language to bring to our hard conversations. But I'm going to start off with a general question for you because we are in unprecedented times, as they like to say. When we're recording this, we are almost a year into living this pandemic life. And what goes along with that is we have listeners who are all over the world who have different restrictions imposed on them, and it [00:02:00] follows that some of our listeners have family in different areas who may be taking this seriously or who may not be. Maybe their state has restrictions and some countries have none and so they're navigating those boundaries. And in holiday time we're talking a lot about visiting and do we travel there or not. So I'm curious how have you been advising some of your clients on how to navigate these things in pandemic times and do you have some conversation starters for us to say, Hey, we're not gonna be there for this holiday dinner this year because of COVID.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Right, we definitely are. And that phrase “unprecedented times,” it's definitely that. I'm talking a lot with my clients, and in the groups that I have, it seems to be the thing we're talking about right now. And in terms of [00:03:00] adoptees, I'm trying to help my clients gain their voice and try things differently and give themselves permission to do things differently. And I think that some of the restrictions that different states have and different countries have are helping reinforce that, helping reinforce boundaries if people are deciding that they don't want to travel, if they don't want to split their time between their adoptive family or their birth family. So I think in some ways, if people are struggling with that, the guidelines are offering kind of a cushion there.

Haley Radke: Wait a second. Wait a second. Are you saying we can blame the pandemic for the reason we don't want to go to our: insert whichever family there.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: I don't think I’d use the word blame, but it can offer a little bit more reinforcement around that decision. But then there's also people who are, I have a lot of clients who are new in reunion and were really planning to travel this year [00:04:00] and see birth relatives. And so this pandemic situation is really creating a lot of grief and loss for those plans and those visits and those connections.

Haley Radke: Yes. I have spoken to a couple of different listeners who had planned a reunion visit and that's been canceled and postponed and postponed, and the disappointment is so real. It's so real.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: It is.

Haley Radke: All right. We had a whole bunch of questions submitted. Here's a question from Lauren: “I'm in Reunion and realize that my biological family and my adoptive family have very different expectations around the holidays. I need help finding my way.”

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: That's a good question. I need help finding my way. Yeah, so again, the word conditioning comes to mind or just living with this belief that we have to go along, right? The adaptive adoptee, the good adoptee. [00:05:00] We can't disappoint people. And I think as adults and coming into our own, coming out of the fog and recognizing, wow we can actually make decisions that feel right to us. So finding that balance. So how does she make her way? I would ask Lauren, what do you want to do? What feels best for you and your family? And can you give yourself permission to maybe do something different this year? Create a new tradition that feels congruent with what she wants to do. And again, I said congruent, so creating something new that feels right for her. And that's not to say that's not going to feel uncomfortable, but just because something feels uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong. I think people mistake if they set a boundary and then they get some pushback from family, they might be quick to think, oh wow, this isn't right. But that's not necessarily true. Creating change and creating [00:06:00] healthy boundaries doesn't always feel comfortable. In fact, it rarely does, but that doesn't mean it's not healthy.

Haley Radke: It's so interesting that you were like what do you want? Because that sounds so simple, but Lesli, how many of us have literally never thought about that or have shoved it down and have just bent to the will of anyone around us to make them feel comfortable.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Yep. That's so true. I was talking to someone yesterday and we were talking about that exact same thing. You know, what do you want? Like how the person is someone who just goes along and has a hard time even identifying what he wants to eat for dinner, right? So practicing finding small things. What do you want? I want this for dinner. And it sounds silly, but that's where we start. We start identifying what we like, what we don't like, and then expand on that.

Haley Radke: This question really goes along with it. It's from Chris: “We talk a lot about finding our authentic voice. [00:07:00] How can I begin to be more comfortable asking for what I need, especially during the holiday season?”

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Yeah. And again, starting small, right? So really tapping into do I actually like this, or is it just something that I'm used to doing? Is this tradition something that I really enjoy? Or is it just something I'm used to doing because my family has done it our whole life? So questioning some of those things that have just been obligatory go-alongs and seeing if they still fit.

Haley Radke: I've seen a lot of families do this pandemic-wise. Towards the end of November, people were writing out okay, what do you really want to make sure we do this holiday season? Because many of our things that we rely on, maybe having that big family meal is not an option for us where we live right now. And I see the moms asking their kids like, okay, what's two or three things you really want to do? And that could be like, [00:08:00] oh, we really want to watch this movie and we really want to make this Christmas treat and we really want to go walk this street to see these Christmas lights or things. Are you suggesting that maybe adoptees could do that? Like it's pre-planning out to make sure you have your special holiday thing that actually is important to you and you maybe didn't realize it?

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: I think that's a great idea. Why not? So again, if we use this, and you and I have talked about this on an earlier podcast, but this idea of coming out of the fog and recognizing what's working, what's not? How have I gone along or adapted into my adoptive family that isn't healthy or wise for me anymore, and how can I make these small changes that suit me? And a lot of times people say that sounds so selfish, or that I could never do that. Okay, but that's where the work is right? To stretch some of these things where you think, oh, I can't, I could never do that. I'm going to hurt my adoptive parents or [00:09:00] that's just not how we do it in our family. And I guess that's how I really work with my clients. Is that still working for you? So part of coming out of the fog is understanding and uncovering which adaptations or coping skills or coping behaviors were necessary during childhood and adolescence, but which ones are outdated, that are no longer serving the person and maybe they're actually interfering with relationships and them living their most healthy life.

Haley Radke: Okay. I have another question that's really a challenging one. Some of these are anonymous, just so you know. I wanted to honor people's privacy, especially when we're talking about really hard things-

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Of course-

Haley Radke: “As if 2020 weren't hard enough, I have fully stepped out of the fog this year. I'm 41 and it's been a long time coming. Along with the other issues we're all facing, I'm drowning in uncertainty it seems on every front. My anxiety is sky high all the [00:10:00] time. And now with the holidays here, all I want to do is hide from everyone and everything. Things I loved to do in years past hold no interest for me now. And I definitely don't want to plan or lead these family traditions. How do I take a step back but not withdraw completely?” And so that's the end of the question, but I just want to let you know that I did message this person a little bit just to make sure they had some supports in place. Some of the language in there, again, I'm not a psychologist, it sounded a little bit like depression, some of those kinds of things happening, which are really serious. And what I was really impressed by is that they recognized it and acknowledged it. Okay. I'm going to go ahead and let you share your thoughts and answer her question.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Yeah, I agree with you and I appreciate you reaching out to this person and checking in. It shows your thoughtfulness and concern. And I think the holidays are often difficult for adoptees and non-adoptees too, right? So there are all these expectations of [00:11:00] how we should feel or what we should be doing and when that isn't our felt experience, that can even add to more despair. So I would say to this person, again, can you give yourself permission to, not necessarily, she or he says they don't want to withdraw completely, but can they lower their expectations of themselves? Can they give themselves permission to take a few steps back and let this year be different, right? It's already going to be different, likely anyway, but can they let it be different than years past as they're coming fully stepped out of the fog. And that's a difficult process in itself, right? Recognizing these both/ands of adoption, right? That grief and the loss that's inherent in separating a child from their biology and all the other things that come along with it. So I would say be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to do something different and step away from those [00:12:00] things that are creating pain and anxiety,

Haley Radke: What advice would you give to someone who mentions she doesn't want to plan or lead these specific family traditions? It sounds like a heavy weight. Do you have advice about that? I know it often will fall on the mom or whatever traditional kind of family/gender-norm kind of things. And if that's just too much, how do you ask for help and what are the steps you could do to pass off some of this stuff?

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Yeah. Part of the question doesn't talk about this person's support system and does she have family and friends that she could be really honest with. I'm struggling. I've come out of the fog this year and I'm doing some really hard work and I just am not up to leading the holidays this year. And that could change, right? That could change as things settle, but I would encourage this [00:13:00] person to reach out to the support system that she has. And a lot of people, I'll mention this too, don't have a good support system, right? So I'm constantly encouraging people in our community to seek the support of our community. Adoptees On has a great support network around it. Adoptees Connect, other support groups, where they can really find people who are struggling as well, or it doesn't always have to be connecting around struggle. But in this case it sounds like that could be a really helpful support for this person.

Haley Radke: Yeah. And I think, I'm going back to the mom thing when Yeah, everything kind of lands on you. I think there's a lot of things we can do to be like, you know what? We're not doing it this year. And again, you mentioned there's a lot of things we're not doing this year. And so if you are asking the members of your family, like what's really the most important to you? There's some things that we do every year, Lesli, that nobody likes and nobody even [00:14:00] wants to keep doing. But we don't know that until we ask them. Like one of the things that's really changed in my family is holiday baking stuff. I used to make Christmas cookies. I used to do all kinds of things and believe me, the importance of sweet foods for my family has not changed. However, now I've diagnosed celiac and Christmas baking is not the same. It's a lot more challenging baking gluten-free. I'm still learning all that. And so I'm like, you know what? I'm just ordering from the gluten-free bakery and I'm not spending all that time and all that. And what is important to my kids is they love decorating something at some point. So if I buy a store-bought gluten gingerbread house kit, that's fine. They can make it in the basement with their dad and they can have that experience without me.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Yeah. So then I would say to you, so that's exactly it, right? You gave yourself permission to do [00:15:00] something differently and then what do you get from that? Time to do something different, something else, something that fuels you or connects you with someone else. But I think that's exactly it. That giving yourself permission to do something differently.

Haley Radke: The other thing I wanted to say is gift giving will often fall on one family member to gather it up for everyone. And that really could do with a conversation about community support, I think.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Exactly. And it's just funny how we learn these things. So baking was also a huge deal in my family growing up and it's something I really enjoyed and something I still do enjoy, but I'm much more deliberate about what I'm making. It doesn't have to be the 17 different kinds of cookies and where it's not even enjoyable. It's like I would just be on autopilot. Oh, I have to get these done. I have to get these done. Why? For who? I think that another [00:16:00] suggestion is to maybe allow this season to be one where you allow yourself to come off autopilot and really be intentional about the things that you want to do, which is exactly what you're saying, intentional about what you're going to bake, what dishes you're going to make, what traditions you want to continue, which new traditions you want to implement, who you want to see.

Haley Radke: I love that. Come off autopilot. Yes. Yes. And again, the pandemic, I guess we can thank that to really make us make these choices.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Coming off autopilot and really slowing down. I think that the pandemic has definitely caused or created the opportunity to be more intentional and be more deliberate and slow down.

Haley Radke: All right, here's our next question: “I have a very difficult relationship with my adoptive mother. She's elderly and relies solely on me to remain [00:17:00] living independently. Yet I feel I've always been a disappointment to her and don't measure up to the biological daughter she should have had. So I often try to disassociate and perform the home healthcare worker role, but it hurts and I find myself not wanting to be around her. With the holidays coming, she will join just my immediate family for those days, and I'm dreading it. How do I make it through without ruining the holidays for me and my family?” Ooh, that's really heavy.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Yeah, that is really heavy. And it sounds like this person has done a lot of work around recognizing the relationship with her adoptive mom. And she says she feels like she's always been a disappointment, doesn't measure up, and yet it sounds also like there's an obligation to have her mom come be there for the holidays with the family. So I guess my first thought is recognizing [00:18:00] there's going to be a beginning and a middle and an end to the visit, and what can she do during the visit to really take care of herself. Can she also enlist the support of her immediate family members, not her adoptive mom, but the other people in her family that maybe also recognize that she struggles here and how can they also be there to support her? But I would just really stress the importance of taking care of herself during this time.

Haley Radke: And there's another question that came in from Cindy that says, “I find myself sabotaging the holidays. Almost like I don't deserve to be joyful or happy. Why?” Woo. Self-sabotage. That's not a thing we do, is it? I don't-

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Again, if this was someone I was having a long conversation with, I would want to know, is this a theme in other parts of your life? But I think the self-sabotage or sabotaging the holidays, I wonder if that comes [00:19:00] from the core sense of self I think that some adoptees have, or many adoptees have, that just I don't deserve good, or there's something wrong with me. Again, those beliefs that develop from the early separation loss, early separation trauma of adoptees. Many adoptees share the core beliefs of I'm not lovable, I'm not worth it, good things can’t happen to me, it's not safe to trust. And how do those bleed into our lives, right? So if that's what's happening, if there's that core sense of I don't deserve to be happy, or I don't deserve to have fun over the holidays, that would be something to explore further if the sabotage is not just around the holidays, but around just life in general.

Haley Radke: Is there something that you do see adoptees doing or just people in general, around big moments like this? [00:20:00] For someone to recognize like, oh my gosh, you know what, I just always feel terrible at Christmas because everybody wants everything from me. And you go in having that attitude, and then it is awful and you just dread it. And every day sucks and it's all on you. And it's almost like the self-fulfilling prophecy kind of a situation. So how do you unhook that? How do you stop that from happening?

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: I think that it's similar. If that's the lens that you're looking at something through, right? That it's just, ugh, the holidays suck, or, everyone wants something from me. If that is the lens that you're looking at the holidays through, Yeah, more likely your focus of attention is going to be on those things that don't go wrong. Are there also things that are more neutral or positive? And can you bring your attention to those things? That can work with the brain in creating new experiences, right? Noticing I have these beliefs, but are there any parts of the holidays that have a more [00:21:00] neutral or positive feel? And can I bring my attention to those? It's really hard for the brain to hold something really negative and something positive or neutral to the same degree at the same time. So it's not about playing the GLAD game, it's just about noticing that our brain has a negativity bias. That doesn't mean that a person is negative. It's just based on our ancestors who had to constantly remember which animals were predators, which berries were poisoned, and they had to have that stick in their mind. And we don't have to do that anymore, but our brains don't quite know that yet, so we have to really work hard to notice that there are also a lot of positive and neutral things in our environment as well and intentionally bring our focus to them.

Haley Radke: Can you do that ahead of time or is that more like an in the moment kind of thing? Like you're, in the day and you're like, oh man, and you notice oh no, I'm being negative. Or is it more a plan ahead of [00:22:00] time?

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: I think there are ways to promote resilience in the brain ahead of time that allow for that flexible adaptive ability to notice when that negativity bias is present and then be able to shift attention. It's not about everything is rainbows and unicorns. It's just about working with our brains and so the thing that you could do ahead of time to promote resilience is, I'm a big fan of mindful awareness. Either formal practices or informal practices of intentional focused attention to promote the resilience and that flexible adaptive way of thinking and being.

Haley Radke: So could you plan ahead then either by setting a timer and being like, okay, when that timer goes off, I'm going to make sure to go out for a walk and have a recharge. Or if you're in the moment and you're like, oh I remember Lesli said something about focusing in on the moment and like [00:23:00] enjoying whatever. If you're at the meal and you're enjoying a certain food and you've coached us through some mindful things before. It sounds like there's a couple of different ways we can bring that in by planning ahead and maybe scheduling a couple of reminders or, oh yeah, I remember I listened to that podcast and Lesli said to do this-

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Yeah. I think also going back to the coming off autopilot, so sometimes if I'm expecting that, oh, this holiday, it's going to be this and that. And our brain is just looping in that sort of mindset of looking at it through the lens of this is, ugh, people are going to expect things from me. It's not going to go well. We're too far ahead in the future, planning what might happen. Or thinking about past years, yeah, that happened and so we miss any opportunities in the present where things might be a little bit different. So recognizing when we're too far in the future, lamenting the past, and can we bring our [00:24:00] attention just to something that's maybe neutral, just right in the present. And it doesn't have to be super positive, it can just be, oh, right now I'm really enjoying this cup of coffee, but right now I'm really enjoying my conversation with Haley.

Haley Radke: I like that you said it could also be just neutral. Especially because sometimes we are talking about someone who is really experiencing depression and having a really hard time and sometimes that's what we can summon up in ourselves. Okay. So this one, it's a short question, but it is a big one, and I think we're just hitting the tip of the iceberg on this one. So this person is a late discovery adoptee, and they're asking, “How does a late discovery adoptee even begin to get over the anger of being a kept secret?”

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: That is a very big question. A very important question. [00:25:00] And I would go back to, I guess the first thing I would offer would be to find community. Find other late discovery adoptees that can validate your experience, that can validate and share how they've navigated their experience. There's so many themes for late discovery adoptees that are similar to other people who were adopted, who grew up knowing they were adopted. But there are so many different themes as well. So I would say work with a therapist and also find community. You just did a great interview with Bernie who discovered very late in life that he was adopted and I think that conversation is going to be helpful to a lot of late discovery adoptees.

Haley Radke: Yeah, that was episode 161 and I've had several late discovery adoptees really connect with that. And they're really finding themselves online, building a community of [00:26:00] LDAs who, I don't get it, right? Like as adoptees, we kinda get a piece of it, you and I, Lesli, but there's a whole other realm to that.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Yeah, just the sense of betrayal and trust and yeah it's so multi-layered.

Haley Radke: And then, now this wasn’t asked, but I'm just going to make some inferences that a few late discovery adoptees I follow on Twitter especially have been talking about lately. Leading up to the holidays, and this has come out maybe a year, maybe a few years ago, and there's still this feeling of this kept secret and some anger underneath. And then there's probably still some expectations of connecting with family at the holidays where you may have some resentment of, rightfully so in my opinion, that they have kept this from you. So what do you think about that? Do you still go to those functions or do you still connect with people [00:27:00] out of obligation? I don't know, but I feel like navigating that is really challenging.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Yeah, of course, with awareness comes clarity. As you connect the dots of your story and you start to have more awareness and this clarity, this coming out of the fog, then you can decide. This is going to be uncomfortable, right? I really don't want to go to this gathering. Weighing the pros and the cons and maybe sometimes people will say they'll make the decision, they'll give themselves permission to not attend. But other times people will go knowing, yeah, this is going to be uncomfortable, but I'm doing it intentionally. So I know why I am doing this. I know why I'm going. It is going to be uncomfortable, but I'm doing it off autopilot. I'm doing it. I don't necessarily want to go, but I'm going to do it. I know I may feel A, B, or C, but right now this is a decision [00:28:00] I'm making. So it's not always deciding I'm not going to go because sometimes we do have to do things that are uncomfortable. And I think that's life, but it's doing it in a way like, I know I'm doing this because I feel obligated. It doesn't feel right. I'm still working on this. I'm still a work in progress. But that's what I've decided to do this year. So it's not always not doing something, but it's just doing something with clarity and awareness.

Haley Radke: Alright, the next question I have is: “My question is about extended adoptive family members. I'm just not very close with any of them, and my adoptive, paternal grandma's health has been declining over the last couple of years. How do I explain to my adoptive parents that large family events, they are online right now, but in person when we're not in a Pandemic, the large family events are triggering for me and that I don't have much of a connection with my extended family in general, so I likely [00:29:00] won't be attending any events in the future post pandemic?”

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: So when you read that question, I was thinking that this person wants, almost is asking permission it sounds like. So how do I explain to my adoptive parents that these events are triggering and that I don't have much of a connection and I won't be attending events in the future? I think this person is saying it very clearly right there and this person doesn't need permission, right? This person doesn't need permission from their adoptive parents. And this may be an uncomfortable conversation. They may ask questions why, but this is very clear to me, this is a very clear stance.

Haley Radke: Can we do something a little bit unconventional?

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Yeah, of course.

Haley Radke: Okay. So you pretend to be the letter writer and you're telling me, I'll be the matriarch who's not really impressed with what you're going to ask me, because I think the letter writer really [00:30:00] would love some language around this. And isn't the fear that the mom's going to come back and is going to say, What do you mean you're not coming to family events in the future? You can't just make this blanket statement like, you're not going to be coming. What? You can't do that.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: I don't know this family but that's why I said it sounds like this person wants permission that it's okay to say this to his or her adoptive family. And I'm saying of course it is. And again, we're talking about that setting a boundary isn't necessarily going to be comfortable, but doing something different sometimes means we have to sit with that discomfort. So there might not be an easier way to say this. And I think also what just came to my mind is oftentimes when we say things to, let's just say our adoptive family or our birth family, and we don't get the feedback or the validation [00:31:00] that we're hoping for, we think that we've said it wrong or we haven't said it clearly, or we need to say it differently. So it's because we're not getting that validation like, oh, okay, that makes sense. I understand that you feel you don't have much of a connection with your extended family, so that makes sense that you wouldn't want to continue. That would be soothing and reassuring, right? That we said this the right way? But when we don't get it, I think it's a mistake to believe that we need to say it a different way or we aren't being clear. That's something I hear so often. I must not have said it right, I must not have explained it right, or I need to figure out a different way to say it. And I don't think it's the message or the messenger. I just think that it's the person who's receiving the message doesn't want to hear that.

Haley Radke: So what would you say then in that moment? You've expressed your feelings, they are not having it, and then you [00:32:00] say, I appreciate that's how you feel. This is the decision I've made or what is the language? If we were role playing, what would you say to that? Just to stand firm and not go down some argument rabbit trail, but-

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: And again, I think that there's so much we don't know in terms of the family dynamic, but I think, I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry that you feel that way, which is not an apology, by the way. It's, I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is the decision I've made. This is what is going to work for me moving forward. I can't keep going along with the expectations that don't feel right for me.

Haley Radke: Okay, that's good.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Again, I'm making this sound really easy and, believe me, I wholeheartedly know these conversations are really difficult.

Haley Radke: And then at some point during those, I'm assuming lots of these are happening by phone or I don't know, God forbid, another zoom [00:33:00] call, but you don't have to stay in the conversation. You've expressed yourself and especially if there's disrespectful things coming back or things that really are hurtful for you, you can be like, you know what, I'm all done now. You don't have to stay and keep having the fight when you've expressed what you need to. And I think there's a lot of fear in hanging up or saying, okay, I'm all done talking about this, but you are worth not being abused.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: And I always tell people there's no good information that's exchanged when people are at a 7, 8, 9, or 10. When they've flipped their lid, no good or positive information is going to be exchanged then. So yes, of course it's okay to say, I've said what I need to say and I'm going to go outside now, or I'm going to hang up now. And that's taking care of yourself. None of what we're talking about is easy or seamless or one size fits [00:34:00] all, but I think that the main theme is recognizing the places where adoptees, because of their early trauma, have just gone along and been conditioned to go along, to not create waves. And again, where there is that awareness of that tendency or that theme and the clarity around that and then being able to try things differently so that they're creating a different future for themselves.

Haley Radke: Well said. I really keep thinking about what you said, “With awareness comes clarity. The question to ask ourselves is, is that still working for you?” All of those things I think, answer a lot of the questions. And maybe you have some questions for Lesli, and they weren't necessarily represented here, but I think with some of the advice that she's given, you can really drill down to those questions and is that still working for you? And what do you want your holiday season to look like? I think it's okay for you to spend 10 minutes. It doesn't have to be [00:35:00] like this whole big thing and get out your journal. Just 10 minutes. What do I want to do this year? And then implement as you can during the pandemic year. Thank you so much for your wisdom, Lesli. I really appreciate it. And I know there's a lot of people going through challenging times in general and especially in our community right now. You have some really cool things coming up. So do you want to share with us a little bit about where we can connect with you and this really neat thing I'm taking part in starting in January?

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: Sure. And I just want to thank you for your wisdom and for your wonderful support and what you bring to our community. I think I've told you this before, but so many of my clients, the first thing they say is, oh, I heard you on Adoptees On, and Haley is so amazing and I've listened. I have someone I know that has listened to every single [00:36:00] podcast, and more than once, she's like on round three, which I think just speaks to what you're doing for our community. And I'm so grateful for you. And I always like talking to you. So I'm so excited that you're going to be part of, during the pandemic I was trying to think of ways that I could connect with more people than just one-on-one, and what I created was a virtual healing course for adults who are adopted, and it's called Come Out of the Fog: Rewiring Your Brain for Resilience and Joy. And it's a six week virtual course that is a combination of self-study with opportunities to meet on a weekly live Zoom call, and also connect in a private online, not Facebook, but a private online community. And I launched the first course in September and it was just a really incredible experience for me to see, primarily the community that was [00:37:00] formed. So that's a passion project for me right now. And our next course will begin Monday, January 18th, 2021. And you can find that information on my website, which is www.askadoption.com. So that's a great way to connect with me. Instagram: @askadoption and Facebook: Ask Adoption and Twitter: LesliAJohnson.

Haley Radke: Wonderful. I look forward to connecting there in January and thank you so much, Lesli. I get chill bumps sometimes when I talk to you because I'm like, wow, that is so smart. I’ve got to remember that forever.

Lesli A. Johnson, MFT: You don't have to remember it forever. You can just reach out.

Haley Radke: Perfect. Perfect. Thank you.

All right my friend. This is our very last episode for 2020. I want to thank you for [00:38:00] listening to adoptee voices along with me. It is a pleasure to do the show for you. I'm so honored that you want to hang out with me every Friday morning or whenever you're listening. I know I always say, Let's talk again next Friday, but I know you're listening on different days. But I have so many of you that do choose to hang out with me Friday morning. It's part of your routine and I'm so grateful for that. I want to let you know we are back with brand new episodes starting January 22nd, so we'll have about a month break and I am just honored that I get to do that and spend that time with my family. But in the meantime, if you are feeling like you might need a little more holiday support, I would encourage you to go and find the other couple of episodes I did with Lesli around the holidays. We have episode 126, and all the way back, you're gonna scroll back a long way to find episode 14, and both of those have some really helpful [00:39:00] tips for navigating the holidays. I especially love Episode 14, she gives us some very practical strategies of ways to take care of ourselves during some stressful situations, and so I'd really recommend that you check that out.

Okay. I want to let you know a couple ways you can continue to keep in touch with me. I am active in the Adoptees On Facebook group, which is accessible for Patreon supporters. So if you go to adopteeson.com/partner, there are details of which level gets the Off Script podcast and then the Facebook group and then a call with me. There's a bunch of different things you can access so you can check that out at adopteeson.com/partner. And I am on social media sometimes, and so if you look for me @Haley Radke or @adopteeson, you can find me there. Also, if you're holiday shopping, you can go to adopteeson.com/shop and find Adoptees On [00:40:00] merch, which is brand new and I'm really excited about it and proud of it. And I used a really amazing adoptee artist to make our winter graphic which has this beautiful bird on it, and I'm really pleased with how that turned out. So that's what I'll be drinking my coffee out of this holiday season. I again want to extend my thanks to all of you who have supported the show in many ways, whether it is by finances or by literally just telling one other person about the podcast. I appreciate that so much. It's a free way to help share the show. And if you want to give me a holiday gift this year, I would love it if you would leave a review for me in Apple Podcasts or wherever you like to listen. You can even leave a review for me on my Facebook page if that is helpful for you. That just helps other people find the show and yeah, it's a gift to me to read your words. I read all of them, nice or not. I read all of them and I appreciate so much your kind words. [00:41:00] Alright, so 2020 is a wrap. Thank you so much for connecting with me, listening to me, listening to my guests. I’m just honored to come into your ears and hang out with you. Thanks so much for listening. Let's talk again soon.